Why this, Not that?

The world plays favorites. There I said it; someone had to. There is very little reason in history why some things succeed while others fail. I know what you're saying, What about survival of the fittest?

Well, before you start spouting off the hair-brained theories of some weirdo on an island trying to make a name for himself, let me just nip it in the bud. Most of the time, the difference between becoming a legend and a loser is all up to the fickle hands of fate.

Ahem! I say, The fickle HANDS OF FATE!

Thank you.

I can see that a distinguishing blog reader like yourself is going to need a little further convincing. Well, I am happy to help. There are virtually endless examples of cultural "natural selection" selecting about as unnaturally as one could imagine!

How else besides sheer chance could you explain how two barely lingual man-beasts like Stallone and Schwarzenegger

become Hollywood royalty, while a talented (and brilliant) male specimen of Adonis proportion like Mr Miles O'Keeffe is regulated to being a mere footnote in cinema history!

Why Does Circuit City close while Best Buy remains open (...at the moment anyway)? They were virtually the same exact store! Do people just prefer blue to red?

Ponderosa and Bonanza were both huge players in the competitive "Below average steak/buffet places named after the western television show Bonanza" market in the 1980's. Somehow Ponderosa remains a thriving place where seniors can have a steak, baked potato and then finish off a buffet meal with a piece of pie from a rotating pie-fridge.

While Bonanza is a place they can only remember doing those things in.

Rally's lives, Daddy'o's goes bye-bye.

Arbys is still around but Rax says "see ya later, alligator"

There were once THREE chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box but now only one still remains. Why?

...Okay to be fair the grey haired guy killed the other two but I think my point still stands.

They still make trading cards of just about everything on earth but do you see POGS anywhere? Do you???

Comedy legend Chevy Chase bombs with his show on late night TV but a walking cure for joy like David Letterman is in his 86th (approximate) year!? What gives?

The Star Trek property seems destined to last forever while great new sci-fi shows like Farscape and Firefly get unceremoniously kicked to the curb!

Why does Count Chockula deserve to be on store shelves year round, when Boo Berry and Franken Berry (no relation) are only around during Halloween? Even worse, Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy stop getting made altogether!

                                                        Illustration, courtesy of Tom Krohne (Monster Fink)

Why does My Little Pony get to have the fiercely loyal adult following? Why not Littlest Pet Shop?

 

Mad Magazine and Cracked Magazine were both personal favorites of mine as a kid. Today, Mad is still just as Mad as ever! Alfred E Newman still isn't worrying and those fold pictures still rule!

 

 

And What became of Cracked? It went from a funny magazine to the worlds first completely list based pseudo humor website!

 

 

Sega and Nintendo shared a mutual hatred only rivaled in the corporate world by Coke and Pepsi. Apparently though despite all of its trash talk...

Nintendo was chosen. And where are we today? Well, Take a look.

This my friends, is not okay.

None of this is okay and none of it is fair.

Why BluRay over HD DVD?

Again, it must be our national preference of Blue over Red (aside from the whole Mario Versus Sonic thing I just mentioned...though, Mario wears a lot of Blue too and Sonic DOES have those giant red tennis shoes...)

Everybody said Beta max was better...why did VHS win (besides the whole porn thing I mean)

Speaking of the better man not winning, I don't know how many people I've spoken to in my life who brushed their scarf to one side, crossed their skinny-jean clad legs, lowered their fake, black rimmed glasses and said "CW, I hate Disney and I have always preferred the Looney Toons characters to The Disney Characters. They're better written and much funnier!" Apparently, none of these cartoon hipsters feel like putting their viewing where there mouths are though. Disney adds to their gold mine with each and everything they produce!

While over in Looney Toons world...

 

I swear every crazy attempt...

...at reviving the property...

is met with a bigger failure than the time before!

It's honestly like there's someone over at Warner Brothers holding Looney Toons by its ankles shaking it and saying "Darn it, I know there's some money in there somewhere!!"

..........

 

 

And there you have it. I could go on and on with examples both blatantly unfair and/or simply puzzling but I think I've made my point. And besides, I have to get back to blogging. I have to try to stay on the bleeding edge of pop culture relevancy. I have no way of knowing when the curious hands of fate might come out of nowhere and make me just disappear.

 

...And neither my friends, do any of you!

 



Meanwhile, at League of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters!!!

Daniel at thirtyish year old boy does the unthinkable and DEFENDS JAR JAR BINKS! I for one admire his courage and will fondly remember him after the torch wielding geek mob are finished with their grim work.

Personally as a big kaiju fan, I give my full support to the awesome idea submitted by Newt at Infinite Hollywood: "War Of The Gargantuans" Action Figures!!

 While I may not fully understand the pictorial post submitted by Kal over at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool, I have to say that after seeing the name of his blog (amazing) then reading the blog description (hilarious) and the header image (indescribebly epic) I read some of the other posts and they are fantastic! Run, don't walk to this site!

John Cena's Rockin' Wrestling.

Mr Adams

Mr McMahon 

Mr Decker

Gentlemen:

I want to start by saying how personally excited I am to hear about the impending merger between World Wrestling Entertainment and Cool and Collected Holdings (In association with Underscoopfire Industries) I know that this will open up some amazing oppourtunites for everyone involved and cement the WWE's place in history, not only as the most succesful sports-entertainment venture ever devised, but as the greatest media empire the world has ever known.

The fact that you are reaching out further to the talented and driven members of your collective fanbases is a true testimant to the groundbreaking things to come. I truly believe that by soliciting "pitches" for new WWE programing, the world will be given some of the most fresh television they have ever seen. 

Attached please find the outline for my new series: 

John Cena's Rockin' Wrestling.

An american hero with unstoppable heart leads a team of loyal warriors against the forces of evil and greed."

Our series will follow the animated adventures of universally beloved wrestler John Cena who, after discovering a plot by a group of heartless wrestling stars who's plans to turn wrestling into a soulless corporation will not only damage the legacy of TV's most admired sports-art. It will set a bad example for kids everywhere and breed a generation of selfish, greedy Americans. 

Though Mr Cena has the heart of 20 men, he knows this is one mission he can't handle alone. Fortunately, during his years as a gladiator, he has met some of the greatest brothers in arms a guy could ever hope for. 

His Fantastic Faces include:

Rey Mysterio- A high flying, death defying, true man of mystery. Hailing from parts unkown this masked my may be small in stature but more than makes up for it with his enormous will to win. There is no adversary that can stand up to Rey Mysterio...including gravity.

Brodus Clay (Alias The Funkasaurus) Lovable, hilarious and as powerful as a Mack Truck! People of all walks are immediately charmed by the goofy antics of Brodus Clay except maybe the evil-doers who find themselves under the business end of this rump-shaking, rhythm loving warrior for truth and justice! If you think keeping up with his moves on the dance floor is tough...just try it in the wrestling ring!

Sheamus- This Celtic warrior definitely has the luck of the Irish ..though he probably doesn't need it. His ability to bounce back from the edge of defeat can be attributed as much to his years of brutal training as they can to the shamrock sorcery that has made his homeland great. Ready to take on any challenge, the only foe this fierce  fair skinned fighter runs from, is the sun.

Undertaker and Kane- Brothers Kane and "Taker" might seem like somber and sober fellows but when they want to, these Gloomy Gus's have more then their fair share of life in them. When they aren't dishing out beatdowns on bad dudes, they play their practical jokes on whoever they can find (sometimes each other!) Be careful, when the lights go out; when they come back on you could find yourself de-pantsed, wedgied or even worse!

Kaitlyn-This beautiful buff bombshell may seem like all brawn but this lady's brain is the teams true secret weapon. Able to almost instantly calculate the physics of any move and the outcome of any showdown, John Cena's Fantastic Faces wouldn't dare make a move without consulting this mathematic maven. 

John Cena and his team will have to muster every ounce of their collective might if they want to stop CM Punk and his Heinous Heels: CM...a man once led by his virtue until fame twisted him into a cruel monster focused on nothing more than profit and merchandising he using his physical prowess and inerint ability to influence those around him to peer pressure the entire wrestling world! 

Can The Fantasic Faces defeat The Heinous Heels with such powerhouse villains as:

Jinder Mahal- Indian tycoon Jinder Mahal has made a fortune on the backbreaking work of others and eventually joined the forces of CM Punk to further his moneymaking potential in America. Every alliance he makes, an uneasy one and Jinder is genuinely curious as to whether he will meet someone truly worthy of his loyalty. If not, he will simply crush every lowly person in his way. 

Big Show- A giant of a man, this monster towers over nearly everyone else on earth, though the size of his mind may be a bit below average. 
Big Show often provides most of the humor among the Heinous Heels (mostly at his own expense) but is always there to pitch his considerable might behind their latest dastardly cause. 

Mark Henry- Mark Henry is the strongest man in the world. A man of (very) few words, he seems to have no sense of humor and no real personal incentive, Many speculate whether or not Henry is truly a bad guy or just someone patiently waiting until his own plan makes itself known. Time will tell. Until then the Faces certainly have their hands full each time they are forced to face this behemoth. 

Vickie Guerrero- A former librarian and author Vickie wrote the book on good manners (she literally wrote a book on good manners.) 
After being driven nearly mad by being an etiquette conscious lady in a world of uncouth hooligans she left the quiet life of books to face her fears of the extreme, in the loud bright and brash world of professional wrestling. 
She immediately took to the world and because one of the most cunning and treacherous managers in wrestling history. Believed by those in the know to be a better business man than even CM Punk she could very well be biding her time for a well orchestrated "corporate takeover." Either way, when this former MS Manners says "Excuse me" these days...watch out!

Dolph Ziggler- Ziggler considers himself the most beautiful man that has ever walked the earth. While a true physical powerhouse his personal ego, more often than not, gets in the way of his success. Unable to truly be a part of any team, it's a constant struggle for CM Punk to keep Dolph focused on anything more than grooming, looking in a mirror and showing off.

While the Heinous Heels are arguably more physically powerful and undeniably better connected, the story arc of the serious will see them consistently lose to the faces as a result of their in-fighting and their lack of "heart"

Several characters will be added over time as well as additional managers and other on-air staff. 

I also plan for the show to reflect the ever shiftiting heel/face landscape, something that the original Rockin' Wrestling failed to do (which many animated wrestling show experts consider the reason for it's cancellation) 

John Cena's Rockin' Wrestling will be a weekly 22 minute animated series aimed at the lucrative 11-45 year old marked. Though I have already developed several hour long specials including numerous holiday episodes.

The potential for Tee Shirts and other merchandise as well as video sales to current wrestling fans and nostalgic former fans alike is incredible.

I want to thank you all again for your time. I hope that this concept sounds as exciting to you as I feel it could be. I have additional series material such as an pilot and first season arc ourlines, universe treatment and some concept art available at your request.

It would be my honor and privilege to develop John Cena's Rockin' Wrestling as one of the flagship programs in the new WWE/CoolCollected/Underscoopfire entertainment empire.

Thank you for your time.

Rhett Kahn

Meanwhile..., At The League Of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters!!

Team Hellions plans to totally revamp the league including a Cena Heel Turn that would not only change the WWE but more importantly my new animated series! 

Keith over at Ringtim Pro Wrestling plans some wrastlin' programming that could turn the WWE ship around! 

.......................

In addition to these great blogs, I bring you some RAD, hand selected posts from some of my favorite online destinations! (also upstanding League members)



The Hits keep rolling out from Cold Slither put these podcasts in your earholes stat!

The Fiji Mermaid at Sideshow Cinema totally HULKS OUT with a great featured post.



Underscoopfire has a very interesting article on the view of Eternia from behind the Iron Curtain. GREAT READ!

Strange Kids Club discusses one of my favorite subjects, Movies Developed into Animated TV Shows. Here are the five worst.

Oscar Oscar Oscars!

In the early 1970’s, television was king and a young playwrite named Neil Simon -fresh off discovering that live theatre provided virtually no cultural enrichment to anyone…ever- wanted in.

While attending (serving at) a lavish Hollywood party, Simon lucked into a chance meeting with a man named Jim Henson. Henson was a puppeteer beginning to take the world by storm and determined to change the way that showbiz felt (FELT! Hah!) about his craft.

The two began to talk and soon discovered they had something in common; they both just knew they had a story to tell but weren’t sure how to break into the business. They decided that the one element they were each missing, was each other.

Neil Simon had to date, only created a single character; a half developed, slovenly man name Oscar Madison from his one man broadway show “The Odd Guy”

Henson on the other hand had created a virtual world filled with colorful characters. Each one more spectacular than the last and filled with more life than even your most realistically built actor. There was one character though that was destined for greatness. A green star in the making who would become as iconic as greats like Mickey Mouse! Bugs Bunny! Even Ed Grimley!! A character that would be forever tied to the legacy of Mr Henson. This character was, of course, Oscar the Grouch.

Simon had always wondered what his dialogue filled production about the interpersonal relationships of a recently divorced man trying to make his way in the world, would have been like with more than just one character…and thought that Henson’s lovable, trash can dwelling grouch might be just the guy to bring balance and stardom to his creation. After some quick television series development -which, as you probably know, is a very quick and smooth process, usually lasting only a matter of hours- A brand new, sure fire hit TV show was born! And on Tuesday September 24, 1974 viewers everywhere caught the very first episode of “The Oscars”

The show began with the following narration:

On November 13, Oscar The Grouch  was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from Gordon. Deep down, he knew that Gordon was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to his trash can. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can a divorced man and a furry green puppet who lives in a trashcan shaped portal to an alternate dimmension share an apartment without driving each other crazy? 

The setup had the potential to be entertainment gold. Two people who’s lives were turned upside down suddenly thrown together. One was a curmudgeonly grump who seemed to prefer living in filth living in his own garbage, who angrily rebuffed any outside attempts to better his hygiene or his attitude…and so was the other one! Could these two identically acting men ever learn to get along?

It turns out they could. They got along perfectly from episode one and their friendship grew as fast as the piles of garbage in their Manhattan apartment. The always bloodthirsty American TV viewers, after realizing that the show presented to drama or conflict whatsoever, soon turned on the show and after only seven episodes, NBC pulled the plug on “The Oscars”

However, out of the ashes a new show would be born. The idea was simple. Take the basic premise…two bachelors living together in a New York apartment. But make them different! One fun loving, one stuffy! One Messy, One Organized! Fill the show with conflict and the ratings would explode!

And explode they did As Burt and Ernie, the Odd Couple finally brought Jim Henson the stardom he was destined for!

Neil Simon, finally realizing that maybe this writing thing just wasn’t for him formed the Simon &Simon detective agency with his lifelong friend and failed musician Paul Simon

While not the respected script master he had hoped to become, Neil Simon had finally achieved happiness. Simon and SImon could often be seen, cruising the streets in their muscle car, solving crimes and blasting the latest single “Bridge Over Regular Water” By Rock Superstar Art Garfunkel! Their adventures were often punctuated by hilariously snappy dialogue, nearly half of which was actually improvised by Neil Simon!

It’s funny sometimes, how life turns out.

Meanwhile! at the League of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters (I really hope you guys read that in the voice I write it in)

Brian at Cool and Collected wants to know if they can go back and give Argo something called "Super Best Film..."

Shawn at Branded in the 80's corrects some horrible Oscars mistakes. In doing so he gives an award to Monster Squad (other than food, giving an award to Monster Squad is the fastest way to my heart) read this great post!

Victoria, The Henchgirl turns the 5 kinds of Oscar Winners into all kinds of good blog reading!

Tommy at Tophat Sasquatch Wins my award for post of the week with his very rad Action Figure Oscars!