First posted on April 27th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link
Cobra is the finest military industrial organization to ever rule the world and I will continue to be its loyal servant until the day comes that I am chosen to be a part of the monthly Death Lottery. But while Cobra is at the height of its dominance and glory now, things weren’t always so great. In fact, there was a time when Cobra was handed regular defeat at the hands of the long since defeated GI Joe. Though all the “Joes” have since been brought to justice or recruited into the ranks of Cobra, the memories are still fresh in our minds. It may be difficult to relive Cobra’s darker days, but recently a document of amazing historic significance arrived on my desk. I now present, unedited, the original notes from Cobra Commander’s 1986 address to the Cobra rank and file.
Notes for “speech to the jackals‘- 86’
(wear clean uniform, w/ dress hood…casual yet smart)
First of all, thank you Destro, for that great introduction and I want you to know that you are STEEL the best partner to CHROME along in quite some time!
(Pause for laughter…)
In all seriousness, I would like to take the opportunity to thank each one of you. As 1986 comes to an end, I think it’s important that we all take time to reflect. It has been a rough year for Cobra, I won’t sugar-coat that. In March, our finances took a big hit due to an enemy raid. We were left bankrupt and had to layoff, meaning kill, hundreds of loyal troops. The few of us left did our best to build Cobra back up. I tried to get a loan through a bank: I was refused! I tried to get a government grant and was almost arrested by the FBI…
(Pause for emotional effect here. Maybe look down, thoughtful, emotional… really work the heartstrings)
Eventually, I was nearly beaten up trying to borrow money from a midget in a bar. It finally dawned on me. Get the four most worthless people I know, form a fake rock band and use subliminal messages to enslave the world!
“Cold Slither” succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. Unfortunately the GI Fools were able to break the spell we had over the world, and it resulted in the Dreadnoks retiring from international terrorism to take up being an 80’s band full time.
We were able to salvage one small victory however. When the top Joe soldier “Scarlett” went undercover to try to stop Cold Slither she ended up becoming a huge fan, then groupie and finally left GI Joe for good. Zandar and Scarlett are to be married this spring! Our former Dreadnok will not be getting out of the weapons business altogether, however. If I’m not mistaken, this wedding may have a shotgun involved, if I you know what I mean! Am I right people?!.
(big laugh here.)
Sure, we may have stumbled along the way. Spending 400Billion dollars to turn a 17th century fortress into a giant funhouse may have been a bit misguided, but I have always believed no success ever comes without the risk of failure. We should not settle for mediocre results, we have to reach for the sky! And if that means losing millions of dollars and the lives of 3 technicians to develop killer jack-in-the-boxes that ultimately don’t accomplish anything, then that is what a good leader does!
In other unfortunate news, our continued program of laser tag warfare has met with mixed results. While as estimated, we have saved a considerable amount of money on bullets, we have also yet to kill a single Joe, even firing a seemingly endless amount of shots at close range. Also, the incredible amount of aircraft and other vehicles shot out of the sky or stolen has tended to offset our savings. Why we designed our war machines to be disabled by lasers, I have no idea.
With all of that being said, 1987 looks to be a much brighter year. We’ve got some great schemes planned this year, one of which will surely bring the world’s leaders begging for mercy.
(try not to be stiff, lots of arm movement, look loose and approachable.)
For instance, my top scientists have been hard at work designing cyber-animation computer chips. Once this technology is applied to the floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Cobra will command an army of giant gas-filled cartoon characters! We will instruct these rubber warriors to storm Wall Street and lift the World Bank off of its foundation and bring the riches of all nations straight to Cobra HQ! There is not a force on Earth powerful enough to stop rubber balloons filled with helium!
(maniacal laughter…they expect it)
I know all of you will agree that genius like this deserves celebration! So I have a surprise..
(pause for effect)
The Crimson Guard will be coming around to pass out brand new Cobra T-Shirts! Featuring the CLASSIC cobra logo on the front, and “Cobras do it in the grass” on the back! Just a little something the boys in marketing came up with.
(unbutton jacket to show I’m wear one of the shirts, ‘just one of the guys!’)
Pretty stylish huh? Take one as they come past. Luckily, all of wear exactly the same size! Additionally, as part of our Employee Loyalty Program, I hope everyone remembers to try out for the Cobra softball team. We did pretty well last season. But this year, I think we have a real shot at beating those guys from V.E.N.O.M.
In closing I just want to say that I hope next year brings you and your families all the happiness in the world. Im sure that through our combined effort, we will reach the financial goals, double our market share, and of course take over the world, crushing all of the pathetic fools that would dare to stand in our way!! We…Are…Cobra!!! Thank you and goodnight!
(Huge HUGE deafening applause!!!)
C. COMMANDER TO DO-LIST:
■start monitoring the tracking devises in cobra tee shirts.
■send Baroness to pick up pjs from dry cleaning.
■check on the progress of the genetically modified softball team.
■swing past Cobra commissary & pick up some more rats.