Where All My Old People At?

First posted on May 7th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          I have just made an earth shaking discovery guys, I don’t know if you’ve realized this but…..TV Sucks! I know what you’re thinking “CW you’ve gone too far this time! You don’t know what you’re talking about! There are many great shows on TV, such as: The Bachelor, Real Housewives, Dancing with the Stars, etc. There is an endless variety to American TV these days! We’ve got American Idol, The Voice, The X-Factor, The Singing Competitor, The Vocalist, The Songster…You know, something for everybody. How dare you say TV is bad? take it back! Take it back!”

What passes for “Quality” TV today

          Okay, okay, before you go all hysterical let me just say yes reality shows and teen soap operas are definitely educational and enlightening. I also don’t think anyone would dispute how spiritually fulfilling these shows are. The only problem I have is that they leave something to be desired in the entertainment department.

          Have no fear though, I have not only figured out that TV sucks, I have figured out why! What we have here is a serious lack of old people shows. During the 1980′s, and 90′s this nation was treated to an extravaganza of sarcastic sharp-witted and usually crime-solving gray-hairs, and our television was never better!

          Let me give you the first example, a little show called Our House starring Mr. Wilford Brimley. A gruff, independent widower living alone until he’s joined by his recently widowed daughter and her two teenage kids. The kids have to adapt to life in California and to the new “my way or the highway” rules from Grandpa and they all end up learning from each other and teaching us what family really means.

          Later this show would be adapted to film in the 1987 movie, The Lost Boys in which a middle aged woman moves her teenage kids to California, to live with her widowed father and eventually take on the forces of evil in a bloody and terrifying (and hilarious) battle to destroy grotesque, blood-sucking vampires. The creators of The Lost Boys took a few liberties in adapting the show, however. In the movie, the mother only has two kids…

          Soon everyone got into the act. Middle aged women even tried to capture that sexy senior siren look! Mama’s Family ruled the airwaves and soon young women where showing up in floral print dresses and curlers at soda fountains and discotheques all over town driving the boys crazy!

          And do not get me started on Golden Girls, one of the greatest sitcoms ever imagined by man. Blatantly ripped off today by nearly every sitcom that has come along since. Golden Girls had writing that even now still holds up as hilarious, clever episode plot lines, and a cast made up entirely of sex symbols! Estelle Getty, Betty White, Rue Mclanahan, Beatrice “Bea” Arthur?

          What more could you ask for? A spin-off? You got it, How about ANOTHER show starring a stylish senior?

Dr. Harry Weston dominated the 90′s sweater game.

Murder, She Wrote… Produced, Directed, and likely Dolly Gripped as well!

          But don’t get me wrong, old ladies didn’t just sit around all day being laugh out loud funny and eating cheesecake! That would have of course been enough, but they were also expert sleuths. No modern day “CSI” could hold a candle to the crime solving powers of Mrs. Jessica Fletcher. Not even NCIS! No matter how red-hot Pauly Perrette is, Man did you see her in those opening credits? wow! Goth and goofy at the same time…such a sexy…umm.

          Ahem… uh anyway, On Murder she Wrote, Jessica traveled the world having dinner parties with friends holding book signings and solving the murders that seemed to weirdly pop up each and every place the woman went. A little old lady (and world famous author) from a quaint new England town traveling around solving crimes made for dramatic perfection. The only change I would have made is in the last episode I think it would have been awesome if it was revealed that Jessica Fletcher was actually just a serial killer who used her crime writing skills to frame someone after each of her kills.

          Old ladies weren’t the only ones solving crimes. A doctor played by Dick Van Dyke was an excellent detective sure he didn’t use the super cool mind control hoodoo that Jess Fletcher did, but we did a great job and didn’t even let all the patients he was losing bother him.

          Even a priest solved crimes and with the help of a wisecracking, street wise nun! Could you possibly think of anything cooler? If you respond to this post saying you can think of something cooler than Tom Bosley as a priest solving crimes with a wisecracking, street-wise nun, then I say that you sir are a liar and I will end all associations with you…unless of course those associations benefit me.

          After our senior sleuths brought them to justice, with minimal help from the bungling members of actual law enforcement (after all, doctors, priests and mystery writers really were doing the lion’s share of real detective work in the 80’s), our geriatric giants of the law would prosecute them. And the combined legal minds of Perry Mason and Ben Matlock would make sure those bastards fried! Even if all they had done was steal a car…the law is the law.

          All this was just television! In movies, the elderly were leading a sci-fi revolution! Swimming in alien swimming pools and becoming immortal….

          … finding and repairing tiny flying saucer shaped aliens who in the long run helped them repair the very lives they were living….

          …and we all learned just a little something about ourselves along the way. At any rate we sure as hell learned stuff about Jessica Tandy!

          In short I think it’s high time that the seasoned citizens returned to their rightful place in the spotlight of American pop culture! I am sick and tired of the beautiful people! They have nothing original to say… all the shows now are based on the lives of 20-30 somethings and I will say this only once WE ARE BORING! Bring back the blue haired ladies and the cantankerous old men. I want muumuus hair curlers and canes.

          Where are all the damn old people at?

Moron Madness Part 2! The Foolish Four

First posted on March 28th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

 Coverage has been intense for this years Moron Madness and I’m sure all the idiots in the contest would like to thank each and every one of you for cheering on your favorite dolt. While not everyone can be a champion all of our competitors are shamefully stupid in their own unique and wonderful ways. Now without any further pomp and circumstance I present part two of Claymation Werewolf’s Moron Madness Tournament!

Balki vs. Joey

There has been a lot of trash talk between these two highly trained competitors throughout this entire tournament and tonight, the rivalry was settled once and for all.

Joey’s opening volley of stupidity and confusion was truly breathtaking. Balki countered with idiocy of his own, paired with an astounding misunderstanding about how the world worked. Hurling insults that didn’t even make sense in his home country, Balki began to show the crowd why this simple, hometown boy from Mypos, was in the foolish four.

Midway through the game, Joey became distracted by his adoring female fans and the reporters from Tiger Beat and Seventeen Magazine. The young athlete began smiling and mugging for the crowd. Striking poses and trying to be cool he completely lost track of his idiot roots pulling what they refer to in the sport as an “Eddie Winslow.”

By the end of the third quarter he was desperately behind in points and started erratically throwing out “Whoa!” and “Whoa!” but it was no use Balki Bartokomous walks over Joey Russo like a sheep herder over a pile of mud.

 124-73 Balki advances to the “Chump”ionship

Dauber vs. Rose

The battle that everyone in the Midwest has been eagerly anticipating; the famed “War of Minnesota!” Both contestants came out strong Rose misunderstanding the referee’s opening instructions which resulted in hilarious wacky hijinks. Dauber countered with his trademark vacant stare and battle cry of “Uhhhh”

Rose began to work the finesse, tying in pointless stories with confused dumb blonde moments and self deprecating humor but Dauber was ready. Using his 9 years as a college athlete paired with his year as a coaches assistant; he quickly put together an amazing competitive strategy sure to completely turn the tides of the match!

Upon doing this he was immediately disqualified for excessive forethought and logic and Rose Walks away with the victory.

 88-68 Rose Nylund advances to the “Chump”ionship

Balki vs. Rose

Long-time followers of sitcom showdowns knew very well that this tournament was never going to end any other way than a showdown between Rose Nylund and Balki Bartokomous. These two masters of imbecilic endeavors steamrolled over everyone they faced and today, it all comes down to this. Their careers seem to rival each other as though it were scripted; both are fishes out of water, both have wacky and unbelievable tales of a strange, far away land. And both drive their roommates up the wall! Sadly, only one can walk away as the National Moron Madness “Chump”ion.

The game got off to an exciting start with both dimwits playing their hearts out. They met each other at every turn. Rose became confused by something, Balki Became more confused… Baki told a nonsense story about herding goats in Mypos…Rose told a nonsense story about owning a cow farm in St Olaf. Balki performed a classic misunderstanding of our American Culture and Rose was right there with a horrifying Viking Fish meal with an unpronounceable name! with 2 minutes left on the clock and Rose Nylund ahead by five points, a hush fell over the crowd. Balki put on a ridiculous looking outfit and Rose called a time out.

Upon returning to the court, with Balki behind by one point, the unthinkable happened. Out of nowhere, Rose began to soberly and with uncharacteristically intelligence deal with a serious social issue of the 80’s. As a result of this horrible slip-up, Balki was able to steal the momentum and drive down the court performing the greatest three point, “Don’t be ridiculous” of his career. The final buzzer blasts and Balki Bartokomous becomes the first Moron Madness “Chumpion!”

 89-87 Balki wins. (Final)

Despite the years I’ve spent as a famous sitcom athletic announcer, I never quite know how to sum up these moments of greatness. These great moments that bring joy to the hearts of a nation and inspire future generations of stupid sitcom stars. While I may not have the words to express the joy that we all feel in these moments, maybe…just maybe there are no need for words. I think it’s best to let our “Chump”ion celebrate in his own way…

The Dance of Joy!!!