Thursday, June 30, 2011

Retroist, Rewound or “The Secret Origins of The Retroist”

First posted on June 30th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link


 
 
 
          Constantly sifting through volumes of nostalgia get you to thinking about your life and lately I’ve been doing just that. To be specific I’ve been contemplating my teenage years. In my teens I lived through the same troubles and rites of passage as any normal person. I remember getting my drivers license my first school dance my first job, the first time I discovered time travel, my…What’s that you say? You don’t believe that I traveled through time? You think that time travel is just something from the movies and that a person could never do it in real life? Well I once knew someone that thought just like you do…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning of the story.


          In 1985 during an in depth pop culture investigation (going to the movies) I witnessed something inspiring . A young man in one of the most thrilling (fictional) adventures I’ve ever witnessed. Blending action! Comedy! Romance! Science! And an amazing puffy orange vest! As I stepped from the dark theatre I thought about what I had just seen. That technology had to be mine! I had to have a time machine!…and a puffy orange vest. But I wasn’t a fool I knew one could not make a time machine out of some random parts thrown onto a DeLorean. No, my random parts would have to be thrown on to an El Camino. How else would I be able to make an awesome entrance, exploding out of nowhere leaving flaming tire tracks with my “La Cucaracha” horn blasting! An evil genius has to think about style!

          Shamefully it took me a full 5 years to turn that fictional account of time travel into a reality but nevertheless I had completed my own fully functional time machine. Just in time for the third installment of the “Back to the Future franchise, I was ready to make my maiden voyage. However, to do so I had to figure two things out. I had to decide where/when to go, and I had to choose an expendable lackey…I mean trusted assistant to help me to test my creation. I went to the most in-depth source of information on history that I could locate in these United States. I went to a B Dalton bookstore in a shopping mall in Eastern New Jersey. Every day I poured through the pages of books. I read books on the 30’s the 40’s the 1750’s and sometimes I read books of collected Garfield comic strips.

          The problem of finding an assistant seemed to solve itself. One day while conducting my research HE walked in. I had seen him before, his name was Bob and he was actually an employee in the mall. I knew by reputation that he was a kindred spirit. A steadfast researcher of pop culture and an expert on “emerging technology.” He was a truly wise and noble man. Ignoring the fact that he may or may not have been scoping-out the “adult” magazine section, I approached him for conversation. After some light chit chat; “don’t you work at the video store?” Etc… I eased into what had lately become my normal conversation opener. “So, do you like….Back to The Future?” To my delight he replied in the affirmative, and I began to test just how deep his appreciation ran.

          I could tell over the next few days that he began to grow weary of our constant BTTF conversations but they were a necessary evil. I had to know just how interested he was in time travel and I had to know I could trust him to be a loyal member of my team. After a week and a half of regular bookstore meetings the time had come. The next Monday all would be revealed and we would set out, on what was sure to become one of the greatest journeys in the history of mankind. To my disbelief, on that fateful day, he didn’t show. I waited quite some time and eventually spotted him a few stores down at a Just For Feet..hiding out. The disappointment hit me immediately. This guy was not the one, I would have to step into the world of time travel on my own. While my plans were delayed due to this setback I carried on and by Friday I was somewhere in time.

          From then on I had a blast, meeting my great great great grandchildren, inventing rock -n- roll, generally taking a tour of everywhere and every when. And then one day one year…a year not too far from our own I spotted him. I spotted Bob, and my heart sank. The young lad of the 80’s who was so full of promise had become a disheveled, wild eyed hobo standing in a park shrieking information about classic video games to no one in particular and violently hurling Rubics Cubes at anyone that made the mistake of wandering to closely. This could not be. I had to do something. After all what good was it to have power over time itself if I couldn’t use that power to set right what was made wrong. So, after an unknown number of years spent joyriding around the history and future I made the ultimate sacrifice…I went back to New Jersey.

          I decided to go back in time to one day after I was abandoned for a Foot Locker employee. I arrived seamlessly at the mall bookstore as if nothing had happened. Moments later Bob showed up and I was thrilled to see him, as he was, before it all went wrong. We commenced our tradition of talking about the Back to the Future movies, but this time as the days went on I slowly began to move the conversation to the subject of Bob’s other hobbies and interests. It turns out that he had begun to write about things. Lots of things. From video games to movies to television and toys and he desperately wanted the world to see it. He had hit on an idea as of late that he thought couldn’t miss. A fan newsletter discussing fun facts and useful information about the latest in pop culture and entertainment. He had decided to call his newsletter The Currentist.



The problem was, that the public had so far not taken much of an interest and very few copies of his newsletter had been given out. It seemed that people in the 80’s weren’t to keen on a newsletter that obsessed over the 80’s I suggested to him that although his concept was very strong the people of his day weren’t the audience he should be aiming for. The people that would read his work would be the people of the future! He began to look longingly over to footlocker and cautiously asked if I was going to start talking about Back to the Future again. I dismissed his worries explaining that I wasn’t referring to time travel, I was merely talking about biding his time. I told him that he should continue to document every piece of information, every advertisement and everything he could learn about fads games and popular entertainment. What he shouldn’t do, I said, was publish. Not yet. One day there would be a thing called the internet. A thing people all over the world would use solely for wholesome enlightening purposes and not at all for porn! On this internet. nostalgia would be king, and the information he gathered today would be enjoyed by millions tomorrow. Furthermore, if he documented these things now, as they were happening, in the future it would make it look like he had an almost photographic memory of nostalgia and old pop culture! I even told him to keep track of his own life experiences especially those that involve the pop culture items he catalogued. The public, after all, eats those human interest stories up! Bob asked what he should do if he didn’t actually have experience with a certain thing but still wanted to write about it. What should he do then? I told him one of the most important things I’ve ever told anyone. Bob, I said, if you don’t know what to write about…Just make it up.












          The problem was, that the public had so far not taken much of an interest and very few copies of his newsletter had been given out. It seemed that people in the 80’s weren’t to keen on a newsletter that obsessed over the 80’s I suggested to him that although his concept was very strong the people of his day weren’t the audience he should be aiming for. The people that would read his work would be the people of the future! He began to look longingly over to footlocker and cautiously asked if I was going to start talking about Back to the Future again. I dismissed his worries explaining that I wasn’t referring to time travel, I was merely talking about biding his time. I told him that he should continue to document every piece of information, every advertisement and everything he could learn about fads games and popular entertainment. What he shouldn’t do, I said, was publish. Not yet. One day there would be a thing called the internet. A thing people all over the world would use solely for wholesome enlightening purposes and not at all for porn! On this internet. nostalgia would be king, and the information he gathered today would be enjoyed by millions tomorrow. Furthermore, if he documented these things now, as they were happening, in the future it would make it look like he had an almost photographic memory of nostalgia and old pop culture! I even told him to keep track of his own life experiences especially those that involve the pop culture items he catalogued. The public, after all, eats those human interest stories up! Bob asked what he should do if he didn’t actually have experience with a certain thing but still wanted to write about it. What should he do then? I told him one of the most important things I’ve ever told anyone. Bob, I said, if you don’t know what to write about…Just make it up.


           In the end my plan was a success and Bob became the Retroist that you all know and love today. A master of nostalgia, sitting atop Retroist Industries and leading a high powered and highly paid team of the most skilled bloggers ever assembled. He even managed to recruit VicSage, a shadowy but influential voice on the subject of days gone by. And lest I forget, the incredibly prolific Meta Girl. This especially interested me as meta was one of those words I had always heard but never knew the meaning of. I had the opportunity to ask MG what meta meant and as it turns out it means “something that creates layers of abstraction or that is largely self referential” one example would be a blog post about the actual blog site that the post is featured on. Which, if you ask me, is a pretty interesting concept.

          In the end my plan was a success and Bob became the Retroist that you all know and love today. A master of nostalgia, sitting atop Retroist Industries and leading a high powered and highly paid team of the most skilled bloggers ever assembled. He even managed to recruit VicSage, a shadowy but influential voice on the subject of days gone by. And lest I forget, the incredibly prolific Meta Girl. This especially interested me as meta was one of those words I had always heard but never knew the meaning of. I had the opportunity to ask MG what meta meant and as it turns out it means “something that creates layers of abstraction or that is largely self referential” one example would be a blog post about the actual blog site that the post is featured on. Which, if you ask me, is a pretty interesting concept.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Transformers? More than meets the Lies…

First posted on June 22th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link




          Recently the subject of one of my cruel experiments and I got to talking. And (as it tends to) the topic soon turned to the Transformers. I was waxing philosophically about the nature of the transforming creatures and of their origin when the test subject had the nerve to try to correct me! As if I didn’t know the 80’s culture like the back of my iron fist! I destroyed him of course, but it got me to thinking. How many other people are walking around with crazy misguided ideas as to how their retro icons got their start. In the words of Marvin Clarence (MC) Hammer; “Sound the bell, school’s in sucka!”


          As anyone who is ANYONE already knows the transformers began as vehicles. To be more specific, they began as a semi truck. In the opening scene of the pilot episode, A truck driver hauling a heavy load for TFG1 industries decides to take a shortcut onto a road that is much rougher than he anticipated. Being that he is in the middle of the desert with no sign of civilization for miles and no spare on hand; he, of course, blows a tire. As he begins to walk hopelessly through the wasteland with hopes of a gas station or at least another traveler, he trips over something buried in the dirt, partially uncovering it. When he looks down to see the source of his tumble he realizes to his shock that the object appears to be a truck tire. He frantically digs out the remainder of the tire and is amazed to find that the tire is whole and in incredible condition, rim and all! As he inspects what he believed to be a brand new tire he realizes that although it is in perfect condition the tire appears to be old. Very old. Along the edge of the rim are strange ruins that seem to hum with an otherworldly aura. Despite all this the driver still decides to install the mystery wheel onto his truck. As he places the tire on the truck an amazing transformation takes place. What was once a large normal looking red and blue semi truck became a large normal looking red and blue semi truck with a mind! And a name, apparently; Optimus. This truck had became self aware and decided that he is a leader! That he is a hero! Leaving his driver stranded in the dessert, Optimus embarks on a journey to find his place in the world.





          For weeks after being given life by the ancient truck tire of lore, Optimus was driven by a sense of purpose, he knew that he must do good, and stop evil by whatever means possible. Being that he was only a semi truck, that mostly meant that he ran a lot of people over. He ran over murderers, pick pockets, jay walkers, and when he encountered drivers of other semis who were speeding, he would run them off the road sending them to a fiery explosion. Sure he stopped a lot of evil but he felt empty inside. After one week Optimus met a small car, a white Volkswagen Moth, ironically named Bumblebee. Bumblebee had always wanted to be a hero car but had until then been to cowardly. Optimus and Bumblebee soon became the best of friends. One day Optimus and Bumblebee were driving down the road looking for adventure when they pulled into what seemed like a normal looking gas station, but the gas station attendant was anything but normal. For this was the Sorcerer Mike who informed Optimus that he was no ordinary magic living truck. He was in reality Optimus Prime! Hero truck of Legend, and guardian of Autobot castle! He then produced an enchanted sword from beneath a pile of oily rags and place it onto Optimus’s fender. Optimus recited the words that in his heart he had known all along. “By the power of Autobot…I am Prime!” Suddenly Optimus seemed to unfold from himself and became an upright sword wielding robot. The most powerful semi in the universe! He then pointed his sword at Bumblebee (his fearless friend) sending a fabulous beam of energy and turning him into the mighty Battle-Bee! The rest as they say is history. Optimus Prime and Battle-Bee amassed an army of robot vehicle creatures through an aggressive online publicity campaign. Together they defended the secrets of Castle Autobot from Decepticons, a terrorist organization bent on world domination led by Megatron Commander. All the while the Transformers try desperately to blend into human society. Optimus Prime can, at will, change from robot to truck by simply touching his high tech earring and saying the words “Start your engines Synergy!”


          The driving plotline of the series was the concept that the good and bad robot cars would fight over a natural material that was incredibly plentiful on Earth. This material was called Energon and acted as fuel, food, and lifeblood to the Transformers. In every episode Optimus Prime and his brave army of robots would think of new suspenseful and entertaining ways to defend Earth and keep the Energon safe. To give you a little background on how Energon works I thought I would take a moment to describe the technical aspects for you. The fuel is harvested and then “digested” through an intense industrial process wherein each piece of Energon is drawn into the intake valve and rendered through the gears of the engine. It is then pulled apart by miniature arms inside the vehicle housing. The individual shreds of Energon are then seared by flame and liquefied in the Transformer’s acid tank. Energon (or translated into English “humans”) are a very important natural recourse for the Robots.

          As if that amazing television premise wasn’t enough, a toy line was introduced in hopes to extend the Transformers popularity into the retail world. One could buy the characters in either robot form or vehicle form. Sales proved to be very disappointing until one day, toy designer Kevin Solo took his children to McDonalds for dinner and noticed the deep interest the kids took over the toys in their happy meals. The toys were the latest in the wildly popular Transfood series. They featured robot characters that could be changed (like a puzzle) into popular McDonald’s menu items; Egg McMuffin, Chicken Nuggets, Soft Drink Cup, Big Mac etc. Suddenly inspiration struck! What if the Transformer toys could actually transform! Kids would no longer have to make their “truck” Optimus Prime drive behind a box and come out a “robot” on the other side! From then on, the popularity of the toys spread like wildfire. Every kind of vehicle you could think of was given a robot counterpart and made into a toy. And each individual vehicle could then be connected together (each with their own “pilot“) to create one gigantic sword wielding robot to defend the transforming universe. An idea was offered up by one executive, that you could use robot animals instead of vehicles. But the idea of Beast Transformers was so ridiculous that he was immediately fired and banned from working in the cartoon or toy industries ever again.

          Transformers remained popular throughout most of the 80’s and 90’s. The property has had several incarnations over the years including a late 80’s sitcom where select Transformers played yuppie office workers at an automobile factory, and a mid-90’s animated series that took the transformers into the world of surfing, skateboarding and BMX! Although they constantly tried to re-invent themselves it was decided that in order to preserve the integrity and tradition of Transformers, there would never be a live action movie based on the Transformers franchise.

          And I hope that in writing this I have helped in my own modest way to preserve the memory of a fine pop culture institution. And I hope all of you have learned a little more about this thing we call “M.A.S.K”….or whatever I was talking about. Nevertheless I hope this clears things up, now if you don’t mind I simply must get back to my experiments. Please do close the door on your way out and…don’t mind the screams.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Nearly Forgotten Genre of Villain Rock!

First posted on June 8th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link





          History has given us some great musical acts. We all remember The Misfits, the Groovie Ghoulies, and of course Cold Slither, but hands down the hardest rocking band the world has ever known has to be SCHEIM. I thought this week I would take a moment to pay tribute to these masters of metal! Founded in 1980 by five college students at Lou Scheimer University, SCHEIM started as small party band. The members were Eddie Skeletor on vocals, Tex Hex and Bob Overlord on lead and rhythm guitar respectively. Rounding out the band were Primethy J. Evil on the keytar and Rene Hordak on drums. They all went their separate ways after graduation and went on to political careers (of varying degrees of success) but they never lost touch with each other.


          Finally in 1987 SCHEIM began its triumphant return. At first their record sales were boosted largely by the enslaved population of planets that the band members had conquered (and who had to purchase the album under penalty of death). However word of mouth soon began to spread and they were quickly headlining their own concerts and getting heavy exposure on television and radio. By the time I saw them in 1989 on their “Ink And Pain” tour, SCHEIM had exploded onto the Heavy Metal scene. I was lucky to get tickets (by luck I mean my status as a Very Important Villain) Even though the concert was in an enormous stadium, it did nothing to diminish the raw, in-your-face power of the band. That concert was the single most incredible live show I have ever attended and the t-shirt I purchased is one of my most cherished possession.

          If you can afford the tickets, and SCHEIM is going to be in your area, I highly suggest getting yourself to the show. And if not, grab one of their albums at your local music shop, climb into your Hero-Crushing Battle Tank and crank it up! Individually, they may sometimes be thwarted in their evil pursuits, but they will always rule the world of Rock.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

National Puppet Radio Talks with Bert

First posted on June 1st, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link




In this fast paced world of TV on demand, social networking, and the internet at your fingertips, it seems like we are all constantly chasing the nest great fad. And while hot trends may change as fast as the technology that delivers them, It keeps us all constantly trying to keep up. There is, however, an emerging group of people who have a very different outlook. National Puppet Radio’s own Rhett Kahn spoke with one such young person.


I caught up to Bert Wilson in a small diner next to a place called Hooper‘s Store. Bert is a tall, thin guy in his early 30’s with a small shock of black hair on top of his head. Wearing what I have to admit is one of the ugliest striped shirts I have ever seen.

Bert: “oh, you like the shirt huh? I saw it in a store and it was so delightfully plain, I had to have it!”


See, Bert has one thing that sets him apart from most people these days, he likes boring things. Our Mr. Wilson is a part of a small but growing group of people who love the mundane.


Bert: “For me it was never really a conscious decision, for as long as I can remember I have always been drawn to the drab, while other kids were buying video games and the coolest action figures I was starting to really get into rubber stamp carving, and Bottle Cap collecting.”


He chuckles to himself then.


“Yeah the Bottle Caps, I guess there are some things you never really outgrow.”


This is no exaggeration, Bert has brought along 5 binders completely full of bottle caps.


“This is just a small portion of my collection, sigh, I could just look at them for hours! There are blue ones, some really great green ones and a few with orange and pink stripes, overall though this one has to be my favorite.”


He opens a page that contains, at its center a single bottle cap. The cap is a non-descript grey, with the simple word “soda” across the middle.


“Is this not the most generic bottle cap you have ever seen in your life. A cap like this comes along once in a lifetime. I had to trade my entire ceramic turtle collection for this baby!”


With all of these eccentricities its hard to picture anyone quite like Burt Wilson, but they are out there. And there are more of them every day!


“I first started meeting other Mundaners through my love of pigeons. I saw a flyer at our local Dry Cleaners for a meeting of pigeon enthusiasts. At first I didn’t want to go, but in the end temptation got the better of me. The first time Bernice (Burt’s pet pigeon) and I walked into that meeting we were in heaven. All those people, all those pigeons. And from there the sky was the limit through pigeon friends I met all sorts of other groups. There is Linoleum Lovers on Thursday nights and we exchange polaroids of really great countertops go on linoleum scavenger hunts and what not… it’s the new Train Spotting! Last month I even met a girl… She makes the best oatmeal I’ve ever had. Just the right about of lumps Connie is a real keeper. Believe me it’s not as easy as it sounds to really connect with somebody. A lot of things could go wrong. What if she doesn’t like the letter W…what if she’s not into the number 11. You are really rolling the dice with the singles scene these days.


The forming of these groups would be much easier if any of them actually used the internet. But this movement seems to have shunned things like twitter and facebook for more old fashioned style communication. Flyers, newsletters and even HAM radio connect these folks.


It may not be as fast as most people would like but I think there is more than enough “fast” out there.”


When I ask if he gets irritated by people that do things the more accepted way he says he isn’t.


“I happen to live with someone who is the embodiment of the modern trendy life. My roommate Ernie loves all this stuff, electronics pop culture TV and music. ESPECIALLY music. Ernie never lets up, he isn’t just a music fan he is a songwriter too and he doesn’t ever stop singing. Most of the time he even sings in the bath. No, not the shower he actually sings while he takes baths. Worse still he is constantly trying to get me to sing along with him!”


I ask if he ever does sing along with Ernie, and he hesitates.


“That’s not important. What is important is that just because we don’t enjoy the same things as the “cool people” doesn’t mean were unhappy, we boring people like the way we live! Ernie is my best friend and I love spending time with him and sure, I may Occasionally get drawn into one of his ridiculous hair-brained conversations, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t also want to have some alone time too! You know, to do what guys do; organize your driftwood dust your stamp collection, that sort of thing. I mean how often can you listen to the Banana in the Ear Joke?”

 “I’m not a total weirdo. I’m made of the same felt and foam as everyone else, and I even watch TV, there are some really great programs out there. I saw a really great documentary about drywall the other day. And of course, I never miss the Lawrence Welk Show, it’s still as relevant as ever, and really good polka helps you know your alive.”


Bert looks down suddenly at two tiny wires that seem to be holding up and controlling his arms, he seems to be distracted for a moment but quickly gets back on track. We spoke for a little while longer and I was on my way.


And as I left I began to appreciate the simpler things in life. It was a sunny day, the air was sweet and everything in general seemed A-Okay. As for me I cant tell you how to get to the place in life where you can appreciate things like toasters and paper-clips, but I can tell you this. I gotta get myself a pigeon!


For National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.