Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Strength of the Bear!

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

          As a special treat to all of the Coo-Coo Cola Cult members out there. Tonight we bring you a living legend, one of the most famous animated peace officers of the 1980’s. I have been invited on a “Mosey Along” with none other than Marshall Bravestarr and his deputy 30/30 of the Intergalactic Marshalls Office. Almost nothing has been known about life on New Texas in the years since the Bravestarr reality show stopped airing. We now have a once in a lifetime opportunity to get updated news from this dangerous and exiting world.

3:00pm: Fort Keriumburg (Lower east side.) …

          I met up with the Marshal and his ever loyal deputy at the small apartment they shared on the east side of Fort Kerriumburg . Though the Marshall had left the limelight behind to focus full time on the noble job of cleaning up New Texas, I was curious as to whether they still had their old flashy style, I asked 30/30 for a demonstration of his famous upright horse, to trusty steed transformation.

          I stood back as the famous robo man-horse prepared to activate, and the whole thing took only a moment. It began with Marshall Bravestarr flicking the living room light on and off really fast while 30/30 strapped a saddle to his back. He then completed his transformation by bending over and getting on all fours. He threw his mane back and whinnied. Marshal Bravestarr proceeded to climb on his back and ride around on him. This always more impressive on TV. In reality it was impractical and even a little embarrassing but as we all know show business does tend to glamorize things.

          “Deputy Fuzz was part of an Intergalactic Affirmative Action Program. He was let go during reforms when it was revealed that he was never actually qualified to be a deputy in the first place. Since then it’s been just me and my BIG partner.” The Marshall and his deputy looked into each others eyes for several seconds and seemed to forget I was there. I cleared my throat and Bravestarr seemed to again become aware of his surroundings, he shook his head and continued to speak.

          “So you were asking about what happened to some of the folks from the show?” I hadn’t been… “well lemme see here. Ol’ Stampede was elected to senate based mostly on the fact that he was purely and irredeemably evil. So fer he’s been re-elected three times! Some of the others weren’t so lucky… All them years of breathing dirt and blowing clouds of dust caught up with Sandstorm, he died of silicosis about ten years ago. Sure was a shame…I used to love poundin’ on Sandstorm! Scuzz-Ball was clubbed to death by tobacco protesters since he was the only person on the planet who actually smoked. And as fer as Cactus head,” He chuckled, “You can see that has found a way to make himself a lot more useful nowadays.” The Marshall’s mailbox, which I had at first taken to be normal, was upon further inspection the grizzly twisted remains of the comic relief spy robot. I barely contained the bile that rose inside me, but I calmed myself with the thought that Bravestarr must have had a very good reason for such a savage act.

5:55pm: Intersection of ElectroElm St. and Galactic-Glenn Rd…

While stopped at a traffic techno-light Marshall Bravestarr spotted his old nemesis Tex Hex, or at least he claimed that he did, I do not have the Marshall’s power of hawk sight, but I couldn‘t see anything. He did not miss a beat in his reaction, with a mighty yell of “Speed of the Puma” he leapt from the back of his partner and began running, (at amazingly normal speed) into the darkness, several times he would changed direction, spin and then perform a flying tackle at nothing in particular. Afterward getting up, dusting himself off and starting the entire process over.


          “Why did I decide to be a lawman? Well I reckon it was to help people, you know give a little something back. See I had amnesia and couldn’t remember anything from my childhood, at least in some of the episodes, so I always felt like I had a greater purpose, and that purpose was to fight evil. And it went pretty good for quite a while, I had respect, great pay, all the free Sweetwater I could drink and I scored tail like you would not believe. Then things started to changing…”

          “After the prairie folk sold the mines and moved to that sex resort planet Risa, this place started falling apart real fast. Then for no reason they took away Judge JB’s judgly-ness just cuzz she happened to take part in the arrests of almost all the criminals she convicted…well that just rubbed me the wrong way. What’n the jeckfire is judicial bias anyway? Evil Tex Hex and his crew pretty much run everything now even the local government and the Kerium Mines… Who would ever have imagined that a giant multi-planet mining conglomerate could be turned into a greedy ugly thing.. Yeah they have their fingers in just about everything round these parts, now all you ever hear from the mayors office is the same dern thing.” The Marshall begins using a comically high pitched voice. “Bravestarr you don’t work for us anymore! That was 15 years ago! We have a real police department now…” “Ha! Real police department, with that sorry excuse for a chief of police, lousy pig!”

          The chief of police was in fact Hog-Tie the civil war suited Pig-man, but the insult still seemed inappropriate.

7:30pm: Local eating establishment Cyber Donut…

          “Thank you for stopping at Cyber Donut can I take take your order?

          I immediately recognized the face and especially the voice of the clerk behind the counter, it was none of than the evil stuttering robot Thunderstick. Bravestarr clenched his fist and pounded it on the table.

          “I don’t know what kind of scheme your running, hanging out in this diner but I’m a aim’in to find out!… And when I do, yer gonna be in one heap-a trouble Thunderstick.”

          “Mr. Bravestarr we’ve gone gone over this already, you come in here here every night! I work at the Cyber Donut Donut..”

          “Strength of the bear bear bear!!!!” Shouted the marshal as he dove over the counter taking a swing at the robot, and succeeding only in knocking the chefs hat off of his head. It took two clerks and the manager of the diner to restrain the Marshall and remove him from the premises.


          After leaving the scene at the Donut shop we wandered across the street to what ended up being a strip club. The place was called the “Desert Bush” and it was one of the seediest places I had ever seen. Clearly the Marshall would have no trouble round up some ne’r do wells here. Surprisingly he chose a table near the stage and began watching the act, quietly mumbling “Eyes of the hawk, ahhhhh yeah! Eyes of the muthafuckin’ hawk.” Though Bravestarr wasn’t looking around the place I had already begun to and once my eyes started becoming accustom to the light I was amazed by what I saw. The place was a veritable Bravestarr cast reunion. Behind the bar was Handlebarr who had apparently closed his saloon and gotten a job at this dive. He had also started wearing normal clothing, and serving actual alcohol. I turned back to ask the Marshall about the famous bartender, when I noticed who was on the stage. Vipra and JB were engaged in a performance more entertaining than even the best episodes of Bravestarr. It seemed as if the two beautiful women had long ago set aside any differences they once had, and appeared that they were getting along extremely well now. I won’t go into the details of the show, or who we did or didn’t get lap dances from but I will say that, I was very lucky to have just been paid. And as far as everyone’s favorite red-headed judge goes…the carpet definitely matches the drapes.

10:00pm: the hood…

          We found ourselves in a very sketchy area of town and pulled up in front of an apartment building. There was a faint light shining through the boards on the windows, but that was the only sign that anyone might be living there. Bravestarr climbed off 30/30 looked around nervously and leaning in, began to whisper.

          “We’re gonna have to leave you out here for a minute, gotta go see the uh…Shaman, you know with the sacred flame and all that? Gonna get something to help me re-connect with the spirit animals, know what I’m saying buddy? Heh heh.” The final statement was punctuated with a harder than necessary elbow to my ribs. Sometime later after a dazed Marshal and Deputy returned from their apparent vision quest we were on our way. After a few minutes the song “more than a feeling” came on the radio (a radio that was tied around 30/30’s neck), and Bravestarr’s eyes lit up. Out of nowhere he shouted “Ears of the Wolf!!!!!!” then he said “What’s that?” and pointed randomly to the right….at the same time he smoothly reached down and turned up the volume on the radio. The next hour was filled with me staring bored into the darkness while the Marshal and his deputy swayed and bobbed their heads to a never-ending stream of 80’s power ballads.

12:00am somewhere on the edge of town…

          Bravestarr’s mellow mood has worn off and he appears to be growing more and more paranoid. A strange expression appears on his face and he begins to speak very fast.

          “Well pardners today I reckon we learned that while throw rugs might look scary no goat I ever heard of could climb a greased pole. THEY COULD NEVER CLIMB THAT GREASED POLE!!!! HAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” He then ran into a local shop, followed by banging, crashing and several loud screams

          The last time I saw the Marshall he was repeatedly shouting Strength of the Bear! While attempting to head butt two members of the Fort Kerriumburg Police Department, who were taking him to their patrol hover-car.

          No doubt our favorite Marshall was off to some new and amazing adventure. And we can all rest-assured citizens, that even if we might never notice it, there is a man named Bravestarr somewhere out there watching us, always watching us. And while his body may have the strength of the bear, his heart, yes the Marshal’s heart is even stronger.

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