Avoid the Noid

First posted on January 23th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself. Hi, my name is Claymation Werewolf, and my areas of “expertise” are cartoons, puppets and horror! In 2011 I was able to slip through the cracks and hide amongst the elite in the retro blogging community.

Happily, I now find myself out of my league, posting my insane ramblings at the Cold Slither Podcast. I’ve seen the stranger side of nostalgia and I know the truth about the pop culture you think you remember. Prepare yourself…things are going to get weird!


 
It’s 1986. The sound of your alarm clock wakes you and you quickly cast off the safety and warmth of your He-Man blankets. Bleary-eyed you make your way down the steps. Pausing only once to gather some essential equipment, in the form of a bowl of Applejacks and a tall glass of Sunny Delight. These supplies will give you the strength you need for this morning’s adventures. The strength to face…EVIL!

Image courtesy of “Two for Flinching”

Parked in front of your television, you face the most menacing collection of villains ever assembled; the villains of cartoon! You sat helpless, watching these terrible titans commit their acts of animated aggression. There stood the mighty He-Man! His trusty steed Battle Cat, trapped in an impossible snare and our hero himself weakened to the point of collapse, and falling right into the clutches of the great and terrible magic of Skeletor.

Furiously you rushed to change the channel and find an even more terrible scene! The heroic forces of the GI Joes; scattered, stand unprepared for the onslaught of the unstoppable Military Might of Cobra. Surely if these real American heroes fall, the balance of power in the world would change forever.

 
 
Changing the channel again you stand witness to the Sword of Thundera, being knocked from the steely grip of Lion-O as a storm on the horizon spells the advance of the most ancient of evils, Mum-Ra The Ever Living and his vile horde of Mutants!

Just when it seems like there is no escape from the devastation; a beacon of hope shone through. A cheerful cartoon bumper telling you that “after these messages, we’ll be right back!” You prepared to enter what has always been a constant source of comfort to every TRUE American; the world of commercial advertising! Yet, in that place of refuge hid an even greater evil, a darkness that would bring even the proud Decepticon Warriors to their knees! It was a name that sent a chill down the spine of all those who heard it and that name was The Noid!

His mind twisted by years of sub-standard pizza, the Noid declared war on all that was good (and Italian) in this world. He lurked in the shadows of innocent pizza parlors seeking to destroy the pies that the Ninja Turtles swore to protect. Sticking cheese to the lid of the box, cooling every piping hot slice and ultimately ruining “movie night” for families everywhere. After all, not even all the soda and VHS tapes in the world could stand up to overpriced, lousy pizza.

As The Noid engaged in his claymation chaos, leaving a trail of stale sausage and peculiar pepperoni in his wake, the nation wept. Desperate for a hero. Someone, anyone who could defend them from this deep dish dilemma. That hero arose in the unlikely form of a friendly red white and blue box…and a dream. This hero, this “Dominos” stood for justice and stood to reign supreme (and sometimes Meat Lovers) above all as a symbol of eighties delivery goodness. Dominos dared to ask for change, to overcome the odds and to take its rightful place as king of all chain pizza! Most importantly Dominos declared that all who would do evil in this world would pay! (Unless it was over 30 minutes, in which case it would be free)

Dominos held off even the evil of the Noid with their superior pizza pie and current pop-culture relevance. They beat the masked menace at his own game and once again made the non-stop onslaught of advertising between cartoon segments, a safe place for all of us.

Sadly, today things have changed. We as a society no longer stand at the hopeful shores of a sea of Crystal Pepsi. We no longer live our lives by the wise and encouraging words of Max Hedroom. All of the 80’s ideals that we all held dear are gone. The arcades have gone dark and the video stores have closed. Even the mighty Dominos has become a shadow of its former self. With these institutions gone we are left with no defense against the evil around us. All the maniacal, cruel and dreadful things that wait in the shadows of this modern world, planning to destroy us all.

Unless we all turn to the lessons of retro pop-culture, all hope might be lost. There might one day be a time when we are no longer able to avoid the fate that we have created for ourselves.. When we are no longer able to avoid…the Noid.

Claymation Werewolf has an evil plan to bring about a Nostalgia Revolution for a time when cartoons were actually good. You can find more of his posts about toys, cartoons, puppets and horror on his blog at http://claymationwerewolf.blogspot.com/.