First posted on February 12th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
By now, everyone knows about the Cold Slither Podcast. Since their meteoric rise to internet stardom, their every move has been covered by websites and trade publications. While their legions of listeners know all about the show, it’s origins have always been shrouded in mystery…until now.
In this article, I will bring you the (completely unauthorized) origin stories of the hosts and history of The Cold Slither Podcast.
H Classick Material:
Millionaire, playboy philanthropist, Classick rose from his roots in the mean streets of the Brooklyn comic book retail world to become a self-made titan of industry. Not satisfied with his domination of the corporate world, he began to expand his interests into technology, specifically the manipulation of human minds. He soon left the safety of his office high atop the Manhattan skyline, to travel the country in secret, searching for talent with which he could build an army. He demanded absolute loyalty from those he recruited… Those who refused to join met with a terrible fate, in the company of the shadowy and feared arachnid canine creature known as Spider-Dog. With his soldiers, he began to mold the world into the kind of place that was fit to lead. While combing through ancient archives, Classick discovered the story of a rock band named Cold Slither who rose to fame using an advanced form of mass hypnosis.
They came close to world domination, eventually falling at the hands of GI Joe; A global terrorist organization. While a bigger fan of old school hip-hop than 80’s rock from Australia, he delighted in the potential. Through his experiments in the southern United States, he began to study the use of satellite technology on this mind control tech. In one attempt, he inadvertently brought a meteor to Earth destroying eight city blocks in the heart of Atlanta, Georgia. Eventually he perfected the technology and created Cold Slither Industries recruiting the finest minds in the geek cultural world. Alongside his international supermodel wife, he continues his plan for Cold Slither to rule the world.
Evil, monstrous dictator…cruel master of torture…track and field enthusiast! There are so many ways to describe Eclectik Relaxation (aka Mister Sin-E-ster, aka Skel-E-tor, aka Mag-E-to!). “E” Rose to power in the mid 1980’s. Ageless, heartless, and unstoppable. He is believed by many to be the one who actually killed Optimus Prime, Robin, and Superman. He decided to only break Batman’s back because he “kinda liked the whole creature-of-the-night angle.” Amassing a horde of blindly following minions, he systematically destroyed everyone who opposed him on his own insane quest to takeover the world. At the height of his power, he and his wife, the Baroness participated in the hostile takeover of COBRA, Extensive Enterprises and all of its subsidiaries. …unfortunately, in 2003 the bottom dropped out of the evil overlord market and his industry came crashing down. Trading in his dictatorial throne for an office, he joined forces with Classick Material. In a press release following his hire by Cold Slither, Eclectik vowed to do his best, as second-in-command to Classick. …in the time-honored tradition of his malevolent managerial mentor…Star Scream.
Tim Dogg 98:
Discovered during a meteor strike in the heart of Atlanta, GA in 1998. He was found amidst the rubble of a comic book shop. He had no name and no memories of who he was. When the rescuers found him he said nothing but “Tim…Dogg..” before passing out. The following days at the hospital shed no further light on the identity of this mystery man who had come to be known as Tim. While he had no memory of his life, he displayed an almost encyclopedic knowledge of comic books and comic book history. Remarkably, he seemed able to recite on demand, even the most obscure facts and information about super heroes and the stories that surrounded them. Following his recovery he began to wander the world. Helping those he found, in any way he could (his help usually came in the form of Marvel comics related information.) In his travels, he never stopped searching for a woman to share his life with…for a place that he could call home. Desperate to find something to hold onto…and maybe give him a connection to this world. A world in which he never felt as though he belonged. His incredible powers drawing their interest, he discovered a home of sorts in Classick Material’s Cold Slither organization. Though now in the company of villains, his path remains unclear.
…In 2011, in a quest to bring their own way of thinking to the masses, Eclectik discovered a form of communication without boundaries. It was called podcasting. Soon Cold Slither transmissions were spreading like wildfire through the internet. It is only a matter of time before their destinies are fulfilled and everyone succumbs to the might of Cold Slither. Their company motto puts it best…
We’re cold slither. You’ll be joining us soon.