The Claymation Werewolf: I'm On A Boat, The Power of Kurt Russell.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I'm On A Boat, The Power of Kurt Russell.

This is a LoEB post~

Everybody knows that the life of Kurt Russel has been pretty gosh-darn epic! But few have ever sat down and thought about the single thing that had a bigger impact on his life and career than anything else…until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here today to discuss Kurt Russell’s butt.

Oh my gosh, my sincerest apologies! That should have, of course, read: “Kurt Russell’s BOAT.”

Washed up actor, struggling carpenter and amateur poor person, Kurt Russell began got his big break on a boat in 1972. Hired by actress Goldie Hawn to design a closet in her yacht that was capable of storing 8,000 pairs of shoes and her “sweet bippy”. After the work was complete, the two became entangled in a heated contract dispute and Russell attempted to murder the Hollywood icon by throwing her into the murky depths of the sea. As a result of the accident, she experienced amnesia and was abducted by Russell who used her for slave labor to cater to the every need of himself and the actors he had hired to play his children. As a result of the free time allowed to him by the relentless oppression of the beautiful blonde starlet, Kurt whiled away his free time on meaningless pursuits like designing miniature gold courses.

Incredibly, one of his ridiculous concepts was purchased and he became a miniature golf tycoon nearly overnight. Due to a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, Goldie Hawn agreed to marry him and the two lived for years in the lap of luxury provided by their enormous combined wealth. As time passed, however, Kurt began to grow restless.

Wanting the status symbol that comes with billionaires buying their way into careers they have no qualifications for, but too lazy for training in the space program; Kurt Russell forced an elite scientific expedition in The North Pole to allow him to be a volunteer employee. He spent most of these months being “edgy,” drinking, and learning to fly a helicopter his spare time was mostly taken up with battling and/or becoming an ancient and cruel alien shapeshifter. He eventually caused the death of every researcher on the compound, his own helicopter and two or three perfectly good alien monstrosities.

Stranded in the middle of a frozen wasteland, he did what many had done before him. He learned to play hockey. Quickly rising as a star in the Kurt Russell All By Himself League, he was eventually rescued by a pilot employed by Deus Ex Machina Airlines. He practiced hockey day and night and was eventually good enough to make it to the big times; playing against other people. Working (ie “buying”) his way up the ranks of the NHL, he became a hockey powerhouse at some position I don’t know the name of because I mean come on, it’s hockey, who cares? He eventually was chosen to coach the 1980 US Olympic team and they went on to humiliate Ivan Drago and his seemingly unstoppable communist hockey team.

Always a strong believer that you should quit any activity after you win a gold medal, Kurt Russell went on to the obvious next step; he became a firefighter. Partnered with fellow unqualified celebrity-firefighter William Baldwin. He fought incessantly with Baldwin but they where admired far and wide for their bravery and commitment to protecting the public

…until it was revealed that Kurt Russell was actually a lunatic, fire-obsessed arsonist.

Russell was finally brought to justice and thrown into a maximum security prison where he met Sylvester Stalone who was serving time for the 1982 slaughter of a sheriff's department in Washington State.

The two became fast friends and enjoyed action comedy misadventures and good-natured snappy dialogue before both were finally released for “celebrity behavior”

Without a career, a home or a wife; Kurt Russell inexplicably began wearing an eye patch again and became a drifter; traveling the United States and “escaping” from various cities until finally he began to hear a familiar call from the sea. Once again Kurt Russell found himself on a boat, serving as Captain for fellow actor Martin Short and his family as they engaged in a ocean vacation with hopes of bringing their family closer together.

Weeks into the voyage, Russell slept with Short’s wife, turned his family against him and left the actor/comedian so despondent that he refused to participate in a planned Three Amigos sequel. It was rumored that he no longer even made public appearances as the universally-beloved character Ed Grimley.

Feeling mildly guilty for ruining Martin Shorts life, Russell slept with his wife one last time and continued on his journey. Dedicating his life to public service, he ran for Mayor of New York; gaining the cities goodwill through his history as a firefighter. Totally ignoring the fact that his firefighting career ended in his conviction as a murderer and arsonist, he was elected in a landslide. His political career was uneventful and would make for really poor blogging material (if one were so inclined) and he eventually retired. In the twilight of his career he decided to revisit, one final time, the place where it had all began and he set out on a voyage…on a boat.

The New Year’s Eve voyage on the Poseidon was one of the most glamorous nautical year end celebrations to ever sail the North Atlantic and the guests came from all walks of life…mostly rich walks though. As all giant, disgustingly expensive ships full of wonderful rich people do; the ship predictably sank killing nearly everyone on board.

No one quite knows if Russell survived that fateful voyage or, if he did, what became of him but years ago I ran into a salt of the earth, rugged and witty truck drive named Jack Burton and he told me that he heard Kurt Russell was thinking about getting back into acting.