Wild Shot! Ugly Shot! My adventures in NBA Jam!

First posted on May 28th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          My life has always carried with it one continuous theme. My love for things that I happen to be a failure at. The list is practically endless…

          Wanted to be in a band in high school but I had no musical talent (it turns out steering wheel drumming isn’t enough…) so my friends and I would just declare that we had a band, give it a name, maybe make a cool logo and then occasionally hang out and listen to music! All in all, I suppose it was a pretty sweet setup!

          Wanted to be a skateboarder. I mean, I listened to alternative rock and sometimes ska. It seemed logical that I would be good at kick-flips and ollies and…umm…other skateboard moves…? Besides Max and PJ made it all look so easy on Goof Troop I was absolutely sure if I built a half pipe in the backyard id be doing that sweet move where you roll down one side, up the other hold the skateboard up in the air then put it back under your feet and roll back down! Not only could I not skateboard to accompany my grunge music listening, I couldn’t even play hacky sack! I was a terrible hippie grunge kid!

Among some of the other things I seem to be incapable of are:

• Carrying on a phone conversation without sounding like an idiot. (I’ve done a lot of stage acting and public speaking with no problems. I get terrible stage fright on the phone. I once worked in customer service. It was a total nightmare)
• Playing chess
• Learning a card game…any card game
• Figuring out the rules to RPG’s It’s supposed to just be cool fantasy stories and neat monsters. Not hobbit math problems!

          Haha! Well, I could go on forever talking about things I’m not good at (and cry myself to sleep…again) but I’ve really only come here today to talk about one thing. Basketball.

          I was into basketball or “Ballin” or “Hoops” or “B-Ball” or “That game I don’t know how to play” Don’t get me wrong, I can shoot and I was a fairly decent shot, but that’s about where it ended. When I would hang out with friends I would ask if they wanted to “shoot around” which was, for me, another way of saying; “Hey buddy! I’m clumsy, slow and about three apples high so let’s play basketball in a way that won’t highlight the many physical and talent-based disadvantages that I have!”

          Back in the day, I even had a favorite team! And that team was The Charlotte Hornets.

I loved the Hornets for the obvious reasons that all other sports fan guys did. What? No. Who are Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson? No, I like them because they had a cool color scheme and the team logo (which I loved) was drawn by Cheryl Henson Daughter of the Late Great Jim Henson (Pictured here with Carrol Spinney, puppeteer of Oscar the Grouch)

I’m a huge Henson fan and a sucker for a good cartoon mascot…not to mention the fact that I look great in turquoise and purple. That isn’t why everyone else like Charlotte? Well, anyway, I had lots of merchandise; Hornets shirts (even a sweet Looney Tunes shirt!)…

          … a couple caps, even Charlotte Hornets Pencils!
          My favorite way to enjoy basketball was to lead my team: Muggsy Bogues, Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson into the brazen basketball battle known as NBA Jamjamjamjamjam! Tournament Edition!

          When I say “lead” my team, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. While I was bad at playing basketball, I absolutely SUCKED at NBA Jam! When I think back on the countless full court brawls between my Hornets and The Dallas Mavericks (the first team in the lineup) I would play for hours, occasionally I would be “heating up” and sometimes even “on fire!” But I would never beat the Mavericks…I started to wonder maybe this was some kind of goofy backwards game where they actually make you play the hardest team first. I couldn’t beat them to save my own life even if I used The Cheat Code to play as Hugo Hornet!!

          The audience was always incredibly polite. Only cheering at the appropriate times (boomshackalacka for instance). The rest of the time they would sit in complete (and sometimes uncomfortable) silence, sitting in their seats raising and lowering their fists, often in a very inappropriately looking way… The stadium was so quiet you could hear everything on the court from the swooshing sound that a player’s arms make when he moves the ball to the sound of feet squeaking on the court (which always sounded like crickets to me). Yeah the fans were polite, which was more than I could say for the Dallas Mavericks. Those guys were outrageous! I would try to make a shot and they would jump up and keep the ball (or, “rock”) from going in the hoop (or, “hoop”). They would take the ball from me while I was trying to dribble down the court! Sometimes when I tried to see if I could get the ball from them they would swing their elbows around and knock me down!! On purpose! The ref never called any of it and they didn’t even take it easy on me when I was Bill Clinton!

          I’ve been meaning to try to start brushing up on NBA Jam again and it’s gonna be different this time! Finally I’ll be good at the game, maybe take up basketball again too! Real basketball! After that it’s a matter of time before I possess all the skills that have always eluded me!

          As far as The Charlotte Hornets? I’ve never stopped being a loyal fan. Every year I follow their every game and cheer them on to success! What? They Did?….New Orleans? The Bobcats? Damn it! Oh well…

          See ya next time everybody! Razzle Dazzle!!!!

Count Duckula. Now on google+!



This is a LoEB post~



In the latest assignment for the League Of Extraordinary Bloggers, we were asked to check out what a fictional character's social media account might look like. I decided to showcase one of my favorite cartoon characters. The Great, Count Duckula. In honor of a character who is a little less than alive, I decided to choose a social media site that shares those same qualities. The poor, lonely Google+ Things seem to be a little less than lively for our fanged fiendish friend! 

Have some tomato juice and enjoy!

Elsewhere in the fictional friending universe, the league loyal have been brewing up some great posts!

Ashley at life with the fandom gives us a hilarious glimpse into the world of Skeletor!
Memories of toymorrow shows us tweets from the always wordy snake eyes!
Brian at Cool and Collected also heads to twitter to show us some KING sized one-liners from Kong

Claymation Werewolf. True Confessions.

This is a LoEB post~

Warning.
The following blog post deals with subject matters of a graphically factual nature and may not be suitable for those with sensitive constitutions, allergies to shell fish or regular readers of the Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest. Please do not operate this blog while skiing, driving or participating in the physical act of love. If this blog lasts longer than four hours, then you are an incredibly slow reader.

It’s time to lay it on the line friends. I have tried, in my quest to be a highly respected geek, to keep certain things about me out of the public eye. Unfortunately forces beyond my control (this weeks League of Extraordinary Blogger topic) have forced me to once again reveal these dark truths. And so, with a sense of dread and regret, I present to you My Geek Confessions.



To begin with, I should get a big one out of the way. Comic Books:

I’ve been into comics my whole life. I collected them as a kid, I used to love them! And I still love…the “idea” of them. Unfortunately as ive grown older (and much, much cheaper) I’ve started to look at entertainment, with a “bang for your buck” attitude and at $4 dollars for about 5 minutes of reading the cranky old man in me starts yelling about what an outrage it is…what a waste of money! I know, I know comics are the perfect blend of art and story and the production of comics is an admirable and timeless art form…but come on, four dollars a piece?? I’ll be over there at the bargain bin, drinking some Ovaltine and listening to big band music.



As some of you may know I am a huge fan of Horror…especially slasher movies, growing up during “The Golden Age” of slasher films, I spent my childhood looking up to heroes like Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers etc… much to the confusion and uneasyness of my parents.

As OTHERS of you might know I am also somewhat of a “Brony” which is the cool, hip slang that is given to someone who is a fan of the cartoon My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. What can I say? I know the cartoon was originally created for girls and I realize that it doesn’t exactly fit with the expectations people have of me but I like quality and MLP is quality humor, quality writing, a quality cartoon. And they give A LOT of nods to their adult fans! Even had an episode with several Big Lebowski jokes (side confession: I HATE the Big Lebowski)

Anyway if you look at my online life like a big party…I spend most of my time trying to keep my family from enteracting with the Biker Gang that I also invited. It’s that constant struggle to reconcile the horror fan in me with the lover of cute funny cartoons, and in fact, that is one of the reasons I originally chose the handle The Claymation Werewolf.

While we’re talking about horror, let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse as the years go by. Each new “fad” in the industry takes it down a peg. There was the slick, overproduced, teenager era ushered in by Scream (loved scream, not a fan of all of it’s clones)

Then there were all the remakes of foreign horror (dark water, the ring, the grudge, one missed call, pulse and the uninvited) I have to admit I’ve never seen a single one of these movies and I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything.

But above all, the bane of my existence, the lowest common denominator of horror; The Torture Porn. Audition, Catch Me If You Can, Toristas, Hostile and of course Saw.

These movies have no story, no character development and no point. They’re popularity would make me fear for the future of one of my favorite movie genres if it weren’t for the popularity of a little movie called Trick r Treat.

The perfect Halloween film and an underrated treasure of an anthology, horror movie. I can only hope that it’s cult following will lead to quality films and an end to torture porn and constant TERRIBLE REMAKES OF 80’S SLASHER MOVIES.

Hollywood, Stop. It.



I’ve saved the most controversial for last. I want to talk about a few tv shows that tv could do without. First: Community.

I know, it’s a darling of the geek world, and I realize I’m in the minority of this but I just don’t get it! It’s full of “memes” and geek references, but I think that might actually be what bugs me about the show…I feel like some people sat in a room and decided “alright, we’ve put all the necessary stuff in here! Now the geeks will have no other choice but to love it!” The end result feels formulaic, boring and predictable.

Speaking of boring, formulaic and predictable, community has a cousin in the animated world, and it goes by the name of The Regular Show.

“But, Claymation Werewolf!” You might say “The Regular Show is FULL of geeky inside jokes!! Constant references to the 80’s!…it‘s hilarious” Not to me. To me, I just see those same tv excecutives saying “Okay Bob, now let’s make another show, the same way…hipster geeky stuff. But starring a…uhh… a Blue Jay!…and a Racoon! It could be a Cartoon. You know, for kids!”

But what about the people who think that Regular Show doesn’t have quite enough inside jokes? The hipsters who think it’s too close to “mainstream comedy?” For the ultra hip cartoon fan who looks down on the unsophisticated swine who aren’t “with it” enough to get the special unfunny comedy in their animated entertainment of choice; allow me to recommend Adventure Time!

Now, just like with Regular Show, I’ve given it a chance. Watched several episodes…but I am truly at a loss! Please! Explain to me why this show is worth my time to watch. Maybe I’m just not smart enough to understand the advanced humor….wouldn’t be the first time.

And, for the record it isn’t that I just live in the past with cartoons and can’t stand anything new…Spongebob is great! I love Phineas and Ferb and I was a big fan of Chowder.

So maybe this poor simple country blogger just needs educated! Anybody?
And so, that concludes my self destruction of any popularity I had built in the geek blogging community (thanks a lot Brian!) I hope some of you stick around after the show for the party (it’s gonna be WILD!) and to the rest of you, get off my lawn! I wanna read my 50cent bin comics and watch the My Little Pony goes to Camp Crystal Lake marathon!

To witness other bloggers letting it all hang out, check out:

The Surfing Pizza's Princess was ALWAYS in another castle

Christopher Tupa! Any friend of Spongebob and MLP is a friend of mine.

Ashley at Life With The Fandom takes on Cosplay...but I still like him

Reis at the Lair Of The Dork Hord Doesnt like Dr Who or Fantasy Novels!

National Puppet Radio Interviews Super Grover

First posted on May 13th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          These days everyone is talking about heroes. Everything from powerless real world vigilantes, to big budget comic book superheroes, on the big screen. The costumed crusader is all the rage in America. But what about those that fall into the gray area? Heroes who are actually out there, on the streets making a difference and doing so with powers that most people consider the stuff of fantasy!

          Today I have been given unprecedented access to one such, real life super hero; that champion of Metro City, Super Grover. Reporting for National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

          After about an hour of Super Grover trying to assist me with things like crossing the street and buying a gallon of milk (all of which he did shockingly wrong) I was finally able to convince him that I was a reporter. The reporter. The one that spoke to him on the phone earlier…about the interview that I was trying to do. He stared at me in silence for about 5 minutes before he finally “got it” but after he did we were on our way.

          I ask him to explain a little bit about what he does…what it’s like to be a superhero

          “Well, you never really get used to it…the random interactions, the constant cries for help…even getting the strength to run through my paper logo every day, can really take it out of you. And in between everything else I have to make time occasionally to fight for truth, justice and the furry blue monster way!”

          “Every day, every night I patrol, handing out my own kind of justice to bad manners, forgetfulness and confusion whenever they make the mistake of crossing my path.”

          I tell him how much I admire his desire to help those around him…to overcome these problems.

          “No, no my friend. You see, this is not your precious real world, with it’s metaphors and abstract concepts. That is not how things work out here on the mean streets of PBS. What I mean is that hideous, monstrous, living embodiments of these things are out there; threatening to attack the proud citizens of Metro City and I, Super Grover! Am the only one who can stop them!”

          “The life of a sentry is not an easy one….even for someone as vigilant, fearless, ruthless and adorably furry and blue as me! This helmet isn’t just for looks kid. There have been nights when I absolutely got the stuffing beaten out of me, but I always won in the end. Justice…has to win.”

          I suggest that instead of speaking into the electric meter, talking into the microphone that I’m holding might allow him to be heard more clearly you know when he’s on the radio.

          Super Grover seemed taken aback. “You mean I, Super Grover! Am going to be on the radio??”

          I once again, explain to him that yes millions of people are excitedly waiting for him to be on the radio.

          “But you see this is quite impossible. There is no way that I could be on the radio, I am much to large and the radio would surely become broken…I could not live with myself if I broke your radio, and with so many people watching.”

          I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose in a classic (and hilarious) straight-man reaction shot.

          The rest of the interview continued on in this fashion and slowly I began to realize that this hero might not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Sure, we all owe him a debt of gratitude for his long public service and the responsible way that he roughs up two-bit thugs on a regular basis, but in terms of an interview he might not be what this reporter was looking for. After all, everyone knows that public radio and public television is staffed with nothing but the smartest and most sophisticated members of society and the people we feature need to be of that caliber.

          Snapping to attention Super Grover suddenly pointed behind me, shouting, “What is that! Why it is a giant, talking lobster!!”

          I quickly turned scanning the skyline in an attempt to spot the creepy crustacean but it was no use. Try as I might, I couldn’t see it anywhere. And when I turned around the super powered Muppet was gone. In his place was mild mannered, ace doorknob salesman Grover Kent a very un heroic furry blue monster, different from Super Grover in every possible way.

          And so, after buying a large order of doorknobs (he really was quite the salesman) I began to make my way home, proud to have been able to meet a hero such as Super Grover. And it is a comfort to know that somewhere out there, he watches…ever ready to spot crime and to stop it. Making the streets just a little bit safer for the rest of us. Unlike Grover Kent, who, when last I saw him was trying to sell doorknobs to a phone booth. What a weirdo.

          For National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

Evil's Castle. The Theatrical Trailer

This is a LoEB post~

Begin Theatrical Trailer...

We are presented with the familiar logo for the Quick Witt cartoon company as the soft sounds of a  music box slowly plays.

As the screen fades to black and then fades back to light, the music begins to take on an eerie and disturbing quality as a castle comes into focus. A beautiful and exotic castle. A music box castle under a gathering storm.

Eureeka, a young wizard, screams to her loyal dragon friend, over the howling wind.

“Magellan, there’s got to be something I can do. I must protect the castle. Must protect all of us!”




Flashback.



It seemed the deity that the inhabitants of the castle revere above all others, a formerly friendly giant has gone mad. The imagination that once kept the very heart of the castle beating has become twisted and insane; plagued by waking nightmares that are very real.

Because of the power the giant had over the castle, his nightmares came to life; in the form of unfamiliar creatures drawn across the land to the castle itself.

Those who lived in the castle believed in friendship; they believed in sharing, cooperation and caring. They believed in their hearts that they could reach out to these new creatures… they could help them to understand.

When the battered and lifeless body of the brave Sir Klank was thrown violently over the wall, they realized how fatally naïve these beliefs were.

The lifelong friends now joined together, toward the most important purpose they had ever faced. To defend the castle walls and save their own lives.


...It could not have gone worse.


The quirky character flaws that had once been so charming, now threatened the very existence of everyone in Eureeka's castle.

Magellan, the dragon inadvertently smashed the castle doo'sr support beam with his tail, allowing 3 nightmares to slip through the gates and terribly wounding two guards.

Batley’s near-sightedness failed him on the tower walls. And his arrows missed their mark but brought the life of Mr. Knack to an end.

Horrified and helpless, Eureeka climed to her room within the highest tower and begin to pour through the all of the magic tomes at her disposal. Finally settling her eyes upon a book she never thought she would have to touch…a book of incalculable evil. The Evil Book of Evil

And as her dragon friend held the nightmares at bay, she began to read. The wind rising in strength as her voice grew louder; reciting words that while foreign to her mind flowed easily upon her tongue as if they were spoken from the mouth of another.

At that same time in a land very different; a young man, battered and broken, shouted words of his own from a book just as evil. His single remaining hand clutching the leathery face stretched across its cover, he sought to banish the evil that took his girl, his friends, his hand and finally… his mind. Shouting the words in the book (incorrectly).

He opened a portal and was at once ripped blindly from the only reality he had ever known and dragged shrieking through a portal of darkness until he was slammed unceremoniously onto the ground. Within the walls, of Eureka’s castle.


Ash rises to his feet, dusting himself off with the hand that wasn’t a chainsaw. Before him stands Eureeka, Batley and Magellan. The young dragon stares in horror, towards Ash and begins to stammer "mmmm m-m-m-mmmMONSTER!!"

Ash holds up his hand. "Listen, you overgrown iguana, if anyone’s the monster here, it ain't m.."

His words are cut short as the Dragon blasts an immense ball of fire toward the new arrival. Ash begins to duck as the flames billow past him and engulf a shrieking hideous deadite, quickly reducing it to a smoldering heap.

The dragon stands horrified. “What, what have I d-done?”

Ash steps forward, “Kid, ya' done good, that’s what ya done!” He stares at his new allies…. weirder than normal, but hell, he’s survived all kindsa weird. Weird was his life now. “Name's Ash Williams, Housewares.”

The young wizardess steps in front of her friends and finds her voice “And what are you? Another one of the giant's nightmares?”

"Listen lady, or whatever the hell you are, this whole thing is a nightmare. But I’m doing my best to clean it up… now you felt freaks can join me or get outta my damn way…. Either way, I’ve got some preparations to make. What do you stuffed animals got for weapons?”

Batley piped up. “We never needed any weapons and we don’t need no filthy, loud-mouthed weirdo telling’ us what to do!”

Ash quickly turned, drew his shotgun and shot a Nightmare that was clawing its way through the window.

“No need for weapons huh? Take a backseat, geek”

Ashly shook his head “Jeez, I'm supposed to save the world with some wizard-wannabe, a winged nerd and their idiot iguana friend?”

As time passes the team begin to hone their skills and begin to become as hardened and vicious as plush-lovable puppets can be. They began to fortify the castle and turn any machine or appliance that isn’t totally necessary into a weapon. After weeks of training, the denizens of Eureeka's Castle become nightmare-slaying machines and we are treated to a delightfully violent montage with Ash doing his Ash thing, and the puppets doing their best.


Magellan crushing three nightmares in one thunder-like smash of his tail.


Batley dropping from the shadows upon an unsuspecting Nightmare and savagely ripping into its neck.


Two Nightmares making their way across the moat until two mud-covered furry twin creatures arise from the bog and pull the intruder beneath the surface, tearing them apart.

Ash shooting a nightmare point-blank with his shotgun before cutting a second one in half with his chainsaw, sending blood and foam rubber everywhere.

As this crowd-pleasing violence unfolds, Eureeka stays hard at work devising some way to keep the hideous nightmares at bay and wake the giant from his insanity once and for all. Pouring through page after page of the Evil Book of Evil!!! A plan begins to unfold.


Finally, the day has come and she gathers all of her friends to the tower. She stands staring into the dastance, her arm clutched around the book of magic as she beings to speak the magic words

“Book of Evil hear my plea!”


“Sends these nightmares far from me!”

“Portal open and send our foes“”

“Far away and long ago!”

As she continues to speak, an immense portal opens behind her, swirling and pulling every loose object into its gaping maw like a black hole.


Eureeka shouts to be heard over the din. “Quickly, Ash! I need the second book to call the nightmares to me and be rid of them forever!”

Magellan moves to action. “It’s okay, Eureeka! I’ll get it!”

And as the immense dragon turned to fetch the book for his lifelong friend; his powerful tail, as it had done so many times before, swung. Ash was knocked across the room, slamming into Eureeka and the two disappeared instantly into the portal.


They fall (again) to the ground and Eureeka immediately shouts “Magellan. No! Ash we have to get back! We have to save my castle! We have to…to…”

Ash stared in terror over her shoulder. “Listen, you hairbrained hippy! Before we can worry about your weird music box house, we got bigger fish to fry. How about you think of a plan for saving our own skins!”

She slowly turns and looks up to see what Ash was staring at as two huge figures loom above them and suddenly the air is shaken by a booming voice.


“Francine, you’ve been neglecting your housecleaning…we’ve got vermin!”

Evil’s Castle. Fall: 2013.


also coming to a theatre near you...

Dex smuggles an awe inspiring movie pitch into the league! Indiana Jones VS Cybermen? Sold!

Saddle up with Brian for the ultimate western!

find out WHO the BORG are in this weeks life with the fandom!

Christopher Tupa works Tales of the Gold Monkey into his fantastic list of crossover ideas!

And Shawn Robare takes the world to the brink of dissaster in The Dagger Games Project

Where All My Old People At?

First posted on May 7th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          I have just made an earth shaking discovery guys, I don’t know if you’ve realized this but…..TV Sucks! I know what you’re thinking “CW you’ve gone too far this time! You don’t know what you’re talking about! There are many great shows on TV, such as: The Bachelor, Real Housewives, Dancing with the Stars, etc. There is an endless variety to American TV these days! We’ve got American Idol, The Voice, The X-Factor, The Singing Competitor, The Vocalist, The Songster…You know, something for everybody. How dare you say TV is bad? take it back! Take it back!”

What passes for “Quality” TV today

          Okay, okay, before you go all hysterical let me just say yes reality shows and teen soap operas are definitely educational and enlightening. I also don’t think anyone would dispute how spiritually fulfilling these shows are. The only problem I have is that they leave something to be desired in the entertainment department.

          Have no fear though, I have not only figured out that TV sucks, I have figured out why! What we have here is a serious lack of old people shows. During the 1980′s, and 90′s this nation was treated to an extravaganza of sarcastic sharp-witted and usually crime-solving gray-hairs, and our television was never better!

          Let me give you the first example, a little show called Our House starring Mr. Wilford Brimley. A gruff, independent widower living alone until he’s joined by his recently widowed daughter and her two teenage kids. The kids have to adapt to life in California and to the new “my way or the highway” rules from Grandpa and they all end up learning from each other and teaching us what family really means.

          Later this show would be adapted to film in the 1987 movie, The Lost Boys in which a middle aged woman moves her teenage kids to California, to live with her widowed father and eventually take on the forces of evil in a bloody and terrifying (and hilarious) battle to destroy grotesque, blood-sucking vampires. The creators of The Lost Boys took a few liberties in adapting the show, however. In the movie, the mother only has two kids…

          Soon everyone got into the act. Middle aged women even tried to capture that sexy senior siren look! Mama’s Family ruled the airwaves and soon young women where showing up in floral print dresses and curlers at soda fountains and discotheques all over town driving the boys crazy!

          And do not get me started on Golden Girls, one of the greatest sitcoms ever imagined by man. Blatantly ripped off today by nearly every sitcom that has come along since. Golden Girls had writing that even now still holds up as hilarious, clever episode plot lines, and a cast made up entirely of sex symbols! Estelle Getty, Betty White, Rue Mclanahan, Beatrice “Bea” Arthur?

          What more could you ask for? A spin-off? You got it, How about ANOTHER show starring a stylish senior?

Dr. Harry Weston dominated the 90′s sweater game.

Murder, She Wrote… Produced, Directed, and likely Dolly Gripped as well!

          But don’t get me wrong, old ladies didn’t just sit around all day being laugh out loud funny and eating cheesecake! That would have of course been enough, but they were also expert sleuths. No modern day “CSI” could hold a candle to the crime solving powers of Mrs. Jessica Fletcher. Not even NCIS! No matter how red-hot Pauly Perrette is, Man did you see her in those opening credits? wow! Goth and goofy at the same time…such a sexy…umm.

          Ahem… uh anyway, On Murder she Wrote, Jessica traveled the world having dinner parties with friends holding book signings and solving the murders that seemed to weirdly pop up each and every place the woman went. A little old lady (and world famous author) from a quaint new England town traveling around solving crimes made for dramatic perfection. The only change I would have made is in the last episode I think it would have been awesome if it was revealed that Jessica Fletcher was actually just a serial killer who used her crime writing skills to frame someone after each of her kills.

          Old ladies weren’t the only ones solving crimes. A doctor played by Dick Van Dyke was an excellent detective sure he didn’t use the super cool mind control hoodoo that Jess Fletcher did, but we did a great job and didn’t even let all the patients he was losing bother him.

          Even a priest solved crimes and with the help of a wisecracking, street wise nun! Could you possibly think of anything cooler? If you respond to this post saying you can think of something cooler than Tom Bosley as a priest solving crimes with a wisecracking, street-wise nun, then I say that you sir are a liar and I will end all associations with you…unless of course those associations benefit me.

          After our senior sleuths brought them to justice, with minimal help from the bungling members of actual law enforcement (after all, doctors, priests and mystery writers really were doing the lion’s share of real detective work in the 80’s), our geriatric giants of the law would prosecute them. And the combined legal minds of Perry Mason and Ben Matlock would make sure those bastards fried! Even if all they had done was steal a car…the law is the law.

          All this was just television! In movies, the elderly were leading a sci-fi revolution! Swimming in alien swimming pools and becoming immortal….

          … finding and repairing tiny flying saucer shaped aliens who in the long run helped them repair the very lives they were living….

          …and we all learned just a little something about ourselves along the way. At any rate we sure as hell learned stuff about Jessica Tandy!

          In short I think it’s high time that the seasoned citizens returned to their rightful place in the spotlight of American pop culture! I am sick and tired of the beautiful people! They have nothing original to say… all the shows now are based on the lives of 20-30 somethings and I will say this only once WE ARE BORING! Bring back the blue haired ladies and the cantankerous old men. I want muumuus hair curlers and canes.

          Where are all the damn old people at?