First posted on August 10th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link
Hiya folks! Seems like here lately there’s been an awful lot of talkin’ about Monster In My Pocket. Kids today with their hula hoops and their electric widgets and discoteques have been all a’flutter over these multicolored mini monsters and questions have been a’flying fast and loose. What do they mean? Are the colors significant? Where did they come from in the first place? Why do you have so many of those Monster In My Pockets? Why do you just sit around writing those ridiculous blogs all day? Why don’t you get outside, maybe meet a nice girl…get a job and move out of my basement? Maybe make something of yourself, I mean you are 45 years old, Greg! Ahem, anyway everybody’s just gotta know more about these little critters…and don’t get me wrong they ain’t just toys. They made a cartoon or two, they made a videogame for one of them Nintendos. And to answer everybody’s questions; they even made one of them funny books to explain the “origin” of the Monsters. Now, I read that funny book and I gotta say; in the words of my Grand pappy “That’s pretty good, but it ain’t how I hear’d it!” You see I happen to know that those “toys“? Well they aren’t quite just children’s play things. And the monsters their based on? Well they happen to be real.
The Original Monster In My Pocket
I suppose the year was nearabouts 1990 and unbeknownst to most of the world, America was dealing with quite a monster problem. Yes you heard right, monsters! You know them varmints from the movies; wolfman, the witch, chimera, invisible man and what have-you. Well them beasts were just running amuck and playing fast and loose with public safety and property. Folks were dying, disappearing, turning into vampires, etc and it became crystal clear that it had to stop. And those folks that make the big decisions (shadow government as I heard tell) they came up with themselves a plan. As you all know in the late 80’s and early 90’s most of the federal budget was devoted toward repelling the invasion force from the planet Melmac in retaliation to us capturing the head honcho of their orbital guards. It goes without saying that we couldn’t just throw together a Monster Hunting Battalion…boy I still remember the good old days when we DID put together Monster Hunting Battalions…good times. Anyway, they thought themselves up a doozy of a plan; let the people do the work. Americans are a resourceful lot and they always seemed to defeat the forces of evil with a reasonable success rate in the movies, so why not try it in real life! All they needed was some initiative; something to make it worthwhile for the average Joe and Jane out there. So they used the motivational tool that has kept people working harder, longer and using more creativity than anything else in history. They used the satisfaction that comes with doing your best toward a noble goal!
I’m kidding, they used money.
The ultimate plan introduced placed a specific point system, and dollar amount, on the monsters. The more dangerous a specific critter was, the more money its destruction or capture brought you. For instance the Behemoth was one of your more powerful creatures and brought nearabouts Five Million dollars! Compare that to a hunchback! Now a hunchback would bring you about 15 bucks and was hardly worth the trouble of clubbing one. On top of that, half the time it just ended up being an elderly person or someone with bad scoliosis and it could quickly become a pretty embarrassing situation. No, you were better off chasing the big beasts; more danger but a whole lot more reward. Someone who brought in a really bad beast like a TV programming executive, got enough reward money to buy the network, and in fact that happened more often in the 90’s than most people think.
Sgt. Mat “C.H.” Box ran the program as efficiently as a secret paranormal government program coulda been run and in fact received several top secret unofficial medals for his invention of the rubber toy currency tracking system. The medals were of course invisible but the plan they represented was brilliant. A line of “toys” was created and distributed thought the country and a strong advertising campaign made them a national craze. Once customers became hooked, the MIMP administrators began to place information on the REAL purpose behind the collectors items. Each toy represented its ghoulish counterpart; the rubber figures would serve as a visual guide to help in spotting the creature and were marked with the point each creature held to inform the hunter how much cash they would get for bringing it down. Everybody got really into “the hunt” turning in monsters left and right. In fact, even the monsters began to turn in each other. They would collect the reward money, get tossed in monster jail, eat all the guards and then start the whole process over again. After enough guards were eaten and the monsters dispersed, the program soon faded into non-existence.
With the monster population supposedly dealt with and some nice “walkin’ around money” in the pocket of hunters, everybody walked away happy. The toys became actual collectors items and joined the ranks of trends gone by. But friends, here is a secret just between you and your old pal Claymation Werewolf, those toys are still around if you pay close enough attention. And the real monsters? They‘re around too…try as they might, they never were able to get rid of all of us. Oops! I mean them…
Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away! And happy huntin’ …