First posted on August 2nd, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link
I hope everyone out there in range of the Rotting Flesh Radio airwaves had a Morbidly Merry Christmas in July! I just wanted to take a moment to send one more fake Christmas post to bookend this special time of year…and what is Christmas without a little, tasteful commercialism! With that in mind, I bring you an advertisement for one of the most sought after gifts of 1984… The Mogwai!
This Christmas if you really care…I mean if you care the least little bit about the people who do so much for you then you need to give them a gift they’ll remember all year! Not a pocket fisherman! Those fall apart…Not a smokeless Ash Tray, those don’t even work! And besides, that it really is just one more slap in the face to us smokers, isn’t it?! I mean really! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A RESTARAUNT! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN THE OFFICE! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A BAR!! I MEAN A FREAKING BAR!! AND NOW THEY DON’T WANT SMOKE TO COME OUR OF YOUR ASHTRAY? IT’S AN ASHTRAY!!! IT IS AN ASHTRAY! I MEAN WHAT’S NEXT? NO SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOME??? BETRAYING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE?? BANNING EVERYTH….um…ahem…I apologize for that.
Anyway, this Christmas give the gift that will last and last…the gift that provides hours of entertainment; the gift that keeps on giving! Give the gift of the Mogwai!
The Mogwai is a small adorable creature that is sure to make an impression on anyone who receives it! You might think that being a cute fuzzy, adorable talking kitten-rabbit-elf beast might be enough but you would be wrong…oh so terribly wrong. If simply being irresistibly adorable was enough; I could be purchased, wrapped in a ribbon and given away as a Christmas present but that, my friends, has rarely ever happened. No this little monster thing has more than a few tricks up its sleeves! The real secret behind the gift potential of the Mogwai comes in it’s ‘extra features!’
You see, with a few secret unlock codes your simple country Mogwai can actually create more Mogwais, and not through some gross Mogwai mating or anything. No! Just like every important piece of technology, all you have to do is add water. We at Little Chinatown Shop Industries encourage you to create no more than 11 additional Mogwais per day! Any more than that will exceed the recommended fun limit!
And speaking of fun; let’s chat for a bit about the most fun feature of all. Your Mogwai, can actually transform from a basic model, into an advanced Mogwai or, as the kids call it, a ‘Gremlin’ This Gremlin is just as cute as a normal Mogwai but scalier, greener, more sinister and with much sharper claws and teeth. You do lose a little bit in the fluffy category but trust me you wont have time to think about it! The highly desirable, and not at all disastrous to civilization Gremlin can be achieved with simple Mogwai food. Here is the trick: simply feed your Mogwai after midnight! And that’s it. Wait until the clock strikes twelve and throw some Mogwai chow into the cage! If for whatever stupid reason you don’t want the Mogwai to become a Gremlin, it is safe to once again feed your pet at…um….actually we haven’t quite worked that out yet. It turns into a Gremlin if you feed it after midnight, but we’re not really sure when “after midnight” ends. But who cares? Once you have an army of Gremlins unleashed on your town, your hands will be full! With wackiness!*
Super advanced Mogwais such as Spider Mogwai, Genius Mogwai, Striped Mogwai, Electro Mogwai, Thunder-Punch Mogwai or Malibu Mogwai sold at an additional cost.
So trust me this hypothetical holiday season. No gift exchange will be complete without the greatest gift of all, a Mogwai! Even if Christmas has always brought up bad memories of some ridiculous and terrible tragic event from the past…this Christmas will be different! This Christmas, the machinery of all of those negative feelings will be sabotaged once and for all. Sabotaged by Gremlins!
And for a limited time, with the purchase of any Mogwai with Mogwai accessories you can also Sit Back, Relax, and ROT AWAY…and have a nice day!
*Warning: Gremlins not compatible with dogs, movie theatres, or wheelchair stair lifts!