The Claymation Werewolf: Dissect-An-Alien Autopsy

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Dissect-An-Alien Autopsy

First posted on October 19th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

The following transcription was recovered from the scene of a terrible “accident” at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories. Aside from the pictures taken during the events, all photos of the scene, after the fact have been removed from the report out of respect for the families of those involved. Despite the attempt to tone-down the graphic nature of this content, we recommend that only mature blog readers view the following post.

9:00am- What we have discovered here will ultimately change, not only the face of science…but the very threads of society. Actual solid proof of extraterrestrial life has long been the goal of everyone from astronomers to crackpots and everyone in between. Now, that goal has finally been reached.

9:22am- No photos or material from the wreckage of the spacecraft will ever be released as the government has redacted all knowledge of the geography and/or technology. In a public statement US official Stone Wahler had this to say “The difficulty in the nature of the..uh…something something weather balloon. Thank you” However, our crack team of artists here at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories have actually recreated what the craft must have looked like:

9:45am- So you can plainly see how much is riding on the results of this research. Over the next several hours I will be conducting an autopsy of the alien body found among the wreckage. My words will be recorded for later transcription and thorough photographs will be taken of the entire process. Unfortunately, all hopes of attaching our own instruments to the creature proved unsuccessful as a result of the its biology. On a side note the only instrument we actually had available was a key-tar and I can’t actually see what sort of purpose it would have served anyway. All of my work will be conducted with the most sensitive and advanced tools available to modern science.

10:00am- Thorough notes have been taken in preparation of the dissection. We have also made several wonderful diagrams and drawings of the creature. If the pages of our notebook are flipped through very quickly the alien actually tap dances and then does a back-flip ending in “Jazz Hands” but I don’t suppose that would add much to the serious nature of this scientific finding.

11:00am- Assisting with the alien dissection will be my new assistant
Phishtonia Phishington Bones. I am told that she graduated at the top of her class at Evil Minion State. She is one of the most quickly advancing experts in the field of paranormal biology. I am also told that she is positively, absolutely NOT an enemy spy.

11:08am- I now make the initial incision. With this small cut, I am advancing mankind to a further height than many of us ever thought that we could reach. The childish achievements that society made, up until this point will forever be considered the feeble accomplishments of a child. For instance, no one will ever again care about that whole “first man on the moon” thing. Anyway, I happen to know that the entire event was staged…it was just a set up farce with stage lighting and artificial props. The whole thing was fake. I hate that.

11:45am- Having broken through the outer surface of the skin and the fine inner membranes. I am now able to begin to really view this creature for what it is. Incredible. The skin of the alien is almost like rubber and is completely transparent. Inside, amidst the green fluids of the body cavity are organs of the most vibrant color. They defy imagination.

12:21pm- We are now looking directly into the open cavity of the torso. It is a view that we in the lab like to call “Alien Stew”

1:30pm- After several inspections of the tissue and fluid present inside the creature, we now begin the process of organ removal. Remarkably, the organs are in no way connected to the being itself. They float freely within the abdominal fluid. Each organ is it’s own individual color and all are extremely solid and lightweight; similar to plastic. The hard consistency of the organs has allowed my assistant to easily engrave coded numbers onto the organs themselves for later inspection and individual dissection.

2:50pm- I am finally completing the process of total organ removal. Before tackling the head I am going to make one final examination of the inside of the body. I will remove the last few organs and perform a detailed inspection of the system of nerves that I have noticed spreading like a spider web within the walls of the being. I simply have to…wait…..what is this? …………….. ……… It may be my imagination but I….but it seems as though something within the alien moved. I’m sure that….No. No the alien HAS moved! The organs have began to vibrate and it seems as though the muscles of the limbs have began to contract. However, we know nothing of the physiology of this creature and it is more than likely the result of some residual energy stored inside the organs and central nervous system of the monster.

3:00pm- This is incredible! What I though to be aftershocks of the alien’s death, now seem to be genuine animation! The movement has continued and….Wait! The entire creature is!…It’s moving! The monster is actually moving its… The entire body is shifting!! I can’t believe this….It has turned to face me…I…I genuinely don’t know what to do.

3:02pm- Ms. Bones has ran from the room, stealing my notes and slamming the door behind her! The alien is now standing, entirely on it’s own power. Its eyes are now totally clear and I see an immense intelligence in them. The thing righted itself so quickly I have had no time to react!….