Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Skellington in the Suburbs

First posted on October 11th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          And welcome back to Coast-To-Ghost AM, and as always I am your host, Rhett Kahn. All month, we’ve been presenting a series of personal supernatural encounters. Tonight we have the owner of the Terror Trees Haunted Attraction and paranormal investigator Guy Elliot. He is the author of the new true life horror best seller “Mr. Unlucky”. I want to remind everyone that our sponsor tonight is Claymation Brand Werewolves! when you need werewolves fast and you need them to be doughy, cartoonish and un-intimidating! And now, let’s get to our guest.

R: “Hello Guy, how are you?”

GE: “I’m good, Rhett. I’m good and you?”

R: “Always doing great, Guy! And speaking of great; I’ve been reading Mr. Unlucky and it is absolutely riveting and you say that its completely real?”

GE: “Rhett, I swear this entire story is true.”

R: “It’s just that it really is fantastic but please, go on…We’re ready to believe you!”

GE: “Oh, okay. Thanks…Okay, well it all started out on Halloween night…I know that sounds a little bit cliché but it’s the truth. See, I run what they call a haunted hayride. It’s actually a pretty big deal in that part of Kentucky during October! We get about 5,000 customers a night and cover an area stretching across about 3 acres.”

R: “—Wow! That definitely does sound pretty impressive! I think we all enjoy a good haunted house, or in your case hunted hayride.”

GE: “Yeah, I know I do! Anyway, we had just completed a huge night and had even had a live broadcast from Jonathan Johnson and Rabid Badger of Rotting Flesh Radio…It was amazing! So it was about 3 o’clock in the morning and I was walking the entire haunt path, sort of reveling in my triumph you could say. Of course I had my Fisher Price Super Ghost Detector with me as I normally do if I’m out somewhere on my own. It’s an incredibly sophisticated piece of equipment and is sensitive to the wandering lost souls…spirits so ancient that mortal man cannot even name them. It can also play AM and FM radio and the whole thing runs on just two AAA batteries! So anyway; I was just passing the part of our little show we call the Halloween Tree when I heard a funny noise.”

R: “A noise?”

GE: “Yeah…well it sounded a little like a combination of a breaking tree branch and a creaking door. And a door is exactly what it was…There was a door opening right in the trunk of the Halloween Tree. A door in a tree! It was the damnedest thing!”

R: “—But the tree, you said it was part of your haunted attraction?”

GE: “Yeah. It was part of the tour but it was an actual tree. It’s huge! About six feet around and one of the creepiest looking trees you could ever see. We actually rerouted the path so that the customers would have to walk past it….So a door starts to open in this thing and the wind suddenly kicks up and this figure steps out of it…”

R: “A figure…what was it?”

GE: “That’s a good question; a monster?…A ghost?…All I know is it looked like a skellington, I mean skeleton…Super thin, and unnaturally tall. A skull for a head, bone hands and an black pin-striped tuxedo.”

R: “A tuxedo?”

GE: “Haha! Yeah, it was wearing a sort of tuxedo black gothic-ky outfit. I don’t know what it looked like exactly…The whole thing scared the living *expletive* out of me!”

R: “So did you run? Did you get out of there?”

GE: “Hell no! I had to find out what was going on! I mean it’s so rare that a paranormal investigator actually encounters the uh… the paranormal. And to have a haunted experience in an actual haunted house?!. Wow! That’s the kind of stuff they make terrible horror movies about! I had to follow the creature and see where it was going.”

R: “Yes! And maybe keep it from harming anybody?”

GE: “Uhhhhh Yeah…Sure… Protect people. Anyway, I started trailing this guy, this thing and it was acting very weird….It walked through the little bit of field and the highway that separated us from the town that borders our haunt, and to be honest I was having trouble keeping up. It wasn’t that he was necessarily walking quickly but he took huge steps. His legs alone were nearly as tall as me and they were stick thin; it was almost like watching a giant spider walk. So picture this…by this time it was 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning and I’m chasing behind this ten foot tall gigantic stick thin skeleton wearing a tuxedo. Everyone’s out and about doing what you do on a Saturday morning but no one seems to be noticing this craziness…It actually seemed like I was the only person that saw him. So I’m freaking out and he’s walking around like he’s in an amusement park; analyzing everything and acting like he’s never been in the suburbs before! He inspecting storm drains, picking weeds, taking the license plates off of cars.”

R: “Wow! So no one ever saw any of this besides you? That is hard to believe…Not that I would ever call a ghost hunter a liar but you must agree.”

GE: “Rhett, it would seem hard to believe if I hadn’t experienced it for myself. Fortunately for my credibility I was able to gather proof!”

R: “Did you catch the whole thing on video? Amazing!”

GE: “Well not actually on video, Rhett…As you might know; it is strictly against the bylaws of the International Ghost Hunters Association to capture any kind of irrefutable proof like clear video evidence or several respectable witnesses. Although we are allowed to capture blurry photographs or video that clearly shows random static-ky light orbs that look eerily like flashlights. We are also allowed to record audio! Most of the time this audio consists of garbled background noise interlaced with sounds that may or may not be people saying whatever we decide to write on the subtitles.”

R: “And those garbled audio tracks are always very compelling, but I understand you have something even stronger?”

GE: “that’s right, Danny!”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “That’s right, Rhett…You see a few minutes in to this creature walking around in childlike wonder, it actually began to sing about what it was seeing. I have the whole thing recorded! It gets a little rough in some spots but you can make out most of it.”

R: “And what proof do you have that it was an actual ghost and not just you or someone else singing and recording it?”

GE: “Anyway, Rhett, I would like if I can to play some of the audio recording for you and your listeners.”

R: “Well I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we would love to hear it.”

—-Begin Audio—

What’s this? What’s this?

There’s pavement everywhere

What’s this?

A shop that cuts your hair

What’s this?

I can’t believe my eyes

I must be **Unintelligible**

What’s this? What’s this?

There’s people cutting grass

What’s this?

The lower middle class

What’s this?

The streets are lined with

Steel and concrete storm-drains

Everybody seems so mundane

Have I possibly gone insane?

What is this?

What’s this?

There are children throwing litter

On someone else’s lawn.

And a place to take your valuables

That you might like to pawn.

There’s people doing taxes.

Though, I don’t know what that means

And I feel down but look around

To see suburban scenes…

Oh, look

What’s this?

They’re hanging yard sale signs, on poles.

Why they’re so poorly made, cardboard!

They’re putting letters in a box?


Oh look a stand for lemonade, how cute.

Now cops have shut it down.

And why?

They didn’t have a license, but

The cities got to get a cut.

They’ll ticket every car

That’s just a minute past its meter!

This looks grand!

This looks grand!

Oh, can I ever understand?

What’s this?

Oh my, what now?

A swimmer’s hair is green?

Their pool,

Has way to much chlorine!

No weeds, to ruin their perfect front lawns

Or stray leaves to fall and terrorize…

From nature they stay sterilized….

What’s this?

There selling soap door to door

That no one wants to buy.

And no one seems to even chase

That sweaty jogging guy.

I hear the screams of people

Watching sports on their TV’s.

It seems unreal that people place

Their hopes on things like these….

The drab! The plain!

Everything all looks the same!

I’ve never been quite this content!

Who ever could imagine I’d see so much white bread.

I won’t complain but it’s a shame I happen to be dead.

I want it, oh, I want it!

I’ve began to finally see

How unlucky

How unlucky

To be stuck in Halloween

Instead of this…


—-End Audio—

GE: “So you see, Tim…”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “So you see, Rhett…It couldn’t possible have been anything but a genuine paranormal experience. How else do you explain the word play and sophisticated rhyme scheme? This sighting has opened my eyes. Ghosts, goblins and everything that I’ve dedicated my life to is real…And all they want is what we already have! So I’ve decided to enjoy the things around me. The simple, the mundane…There is beauty in all of it and it’s time I learned to appreciate it. So I’ve decided to change my life! I’m leaving all of this ghost hunting behind. No more spirits, no more goblins and no more walking around at midnight in abandoned hospitals! From now on, it’s the plain life for me!”

R: “Are you also giving up running the haunt as well?”

GE: “No way! Haunted houses kick ass!”

          And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! A spine tingling tale of a life changing brush with “the other side”. And sadly, that’s all the time we have tonight.

          If you’ve enjoyed tonight’s show half as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you, then I’ve enjoyed it twice as much as you have. Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away…and have a nice day!

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