Sunday, December 18, 2011

Build...A Bear!!!

Friends, fiends, creatures of the night. As I transcribe this latest terrible tome from the realm of the Claymation Werewolf, I walk amongst…humans. Driven by the bite in the air of the approach of winter…gloomy skies, cold wind and of course Creepmas! Unfortunately I have ended up at a marketplace of sorts…what is known in common parlance as an outdoor shopping mall. Though this might not be my usual “haunt” I look at it with a sense of optimism entirely inappropriate for my personality. I might at the very least enjoy myself…feel the spirit in the air, see the shops decked out in their Creepmas best and visit Yankee Candle. Of course I might even… pick something up for…dinner, possibly a clerk at Yankee Candle! They always smell so good!

Everything has seemed pretty run of the mill so far; the candle store is selling “festive scented candles”, the gourmet market is selling “festive snacks”, the lingerie store is selling “festive g-strings”. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about. It’s enough to make any self respecting monster give up hope in the cattle…I mean, give up hope in humanity! But then I spot it from across the quaint cobblestone street of this “shopping village”. Something that brings a chill to my blood and invigorates my hope in human horror. There hastily scrawled on a sign are the words Build-A-Bear Workshop!! Could it be? Has humanity at long last embraced the forgotten craft of mad science? Immediately my dark heart is filled with dreams I thought long forgotten! Dreams of genetic splicing! And crimes against nature!

Like any good roving reporter I felt it was my duty to investigate (Plus building bears? That’s just awesome). So I made my way across the street to the facility in question and to my delight there was an enormous line! To make things better…most of the would-be scientists were children. Children ready to twist the elements of nature to their own insane visions! Who says there is no hope for the future of humanity? When I finally got into the building I see some adults and several children standing dutifully in line clutching what appear to be the empty dead husks of animals waiting for life to be unnaturally breathed into them! And yes! Behind them are entire racks of limp and lifeless animal shells of not only bears but dogs, cats and several other creatures. There are even articles of clothing, shoes and accessories though all of that seems a little bit…excessive.

All of this looks great but as I walk into the facilities I witness the apex…nay…the very nerve center of this operation. A massive tank swirling with muscle tissue, organs and in general all the innards that you could want to fill out your average lifeless husk. The body is crudely fastened to the machine and is filled with the gruesome stew… after the “stuffing” is complete each customer is allowed to activate a living heart and place it into the monster. The monster then comes gloriously to life and is immediately caged and taken away by its new master!

Awash with pride and curiosity I soon found my place in line. Ready to create my own bear. Prepared to take a step into a world that was finally ready for my unique views on science, on death and on ultimate power. I am now only moments away and I realize how every great villain has felt when they stood on the precipice of a culture that was finally willing to move forward. To the dark and wonderful future that it was capable of! It is INDEED a Merry Creepmas!

Upon further examination the bears are in fact material for making custom plush animals and are not the twisted results of man’s quest to meddle in a world they should have never trespassed on. It’s just a novelty shop for kids…I apologize.


  1. Disappointing, I know, but it's a great read!

  2. Claymation WerewolfDecember 18, 2011 at 1:57 PM

    Thank you sir!

  3. A merry Creepmas to the Claymation Werewolf! May the big guy deliver you that Stinkor scented candle I know you really want. ;)

  4. That is one if the funniest things I've ever read! Love it!

  5. Thanks Dee! I appreciate it. And a very merry (if belated) creepmas to you as well!