Look, I know nobody likes to hear about politics. Especially zombie, mummy and gill-man politics. I am also well aware that The Retroist is not the proper platform for an essay of this nature. As everyone knows, this site is supposed to be about…um…well okay, to be fair I don’t actually have any idea what this site is supposed to be about but I’m sure it’s NOT supposed to be about public funding for a school full of witches, ghouls and monsters. That being said this is my editorial article about public funding for a school full of witches, ghouls and monsters.
In a recent, and hard-fought, school levy battle; the correct side (ours) unfortunately suffered a minor setback, by which I mean we were crushingly defeated. We were shamefully unable to prevent the initiation of a 150% property tax increase. Despite calls for common sense and an argument few could ever see fault with.
Just in case you may not have seen our 24/7 political ads (and why anyone would ignore political ads, is beyond me) let me tell you the facts. Founded in 1990, Gravedale High immediately became a bastion of corruption. Through undercover investigations, we were able to find out some pretty interesting facts about this “center of education.” I hardly know where to begin; the school is perched on a rocky ledge in a town almost entirely made up of cemetaries! The school ground features a vast pond filled not only with toxic waste but with enormous, vile sea-creatures.
Art By: Bonnie Slashfiend
The lockers are nothing but recycled coffins, and most of the students are re-animated corpses! The school uses the local cemetery to pad their enrolment to garner more state funding, and when the population starts to lower from transfers or local torch wielding mobs, the biology teacher just ducks down into the laboratory and knocks out another 20 or so “student bodies.” Bondage equipment has been spotted in the teacher’s lounge.
If that weren’t enough, witnesses have seen evidence of vampire gang violence, gargoyle bullying and overeating among the student’s mummy demographic. The single only example the school can point to as “academic achievement” is Reggie Moonshroud, an extremely intelligent werewolf who, although he made it to the National Science Fair, he also brutally devoured 4 other contestants and 2 judges. If we need to invest more money into a program like this, then I fear for society.
Photo from Cartoon Photo Collection
After a lengthy ad campaign describing in incredible detail the amount of improvements this ghoul school would make with the increased revenue, what did the community end up getting as a return on their investment? Gravedale High invested your hard earned money into a new teacher. ONE new teacher. Well of course as all of you know this was no ordinary educator but a celebrity hired with the sole intent of getting corporate sponsorship so that the school board could fatten their wallets even more. This teacher was Mr. Rick Moranis; multi-national treasure and star of “Strange Brew” Number three on Turner Classic Movies Top 100 Films of all time, a cinematic masterpiece which lives stronger today than ever, in the consciousness of Mr and Mrs America (also Canada.)
During the election season I was accused of inherent bias against GraveDale, just because I happened to be the superintendent of rival high school. The fact is that Galaxy High is by far the superior school. The Galaxy High facilities boast the most highly advanced scientific equipment this side of Jupiter, the power, water, and garbage disposal all run 100% on green technology! Our newly improved Zuggle Ball team is hoping to go to Solar Systems this year! Our Shop Class and AV departments have all the droids you’re looking for and our Xenomorph breeding programs have won us several biology awards. With all of these achievements we should be a shoe-in for funding. Unfortunately, due to a technicality we don’t actually qualify for government grants or tax revenue. Because of a small oversight we only enrolled two students from our school district. In fact we only choose two students from earth, but in our defense, one of them is a jock and we should definitely earn some kind of credit for our rehabilitation of him.
Despite everything our school has had to endure living in the cold dark shadow of Gravedale High we have persevered. And if I had to be honest I guess their school isn’t so bad, they do try their best, and I guess they can’t help being dead. Besides, don’t we all have a soft spot in our heart for monsters? And speaking of hearts I long for the day when the sickly skinned, iron-fisted fox, Headmistress Crone will finally take notice of me. We could join our hearts, lives and schools in an everlasting union. With the powers of monsters and aliens combined who knows what we could accomplish! Of course Galaxy High will get top billing on the sign… Galaxy High! Galaxy High! Galaxy High!