Friday, April 27, 2012

Earth Day with the Planeteers

First posted on April 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link


My Dearest Elizabeth,

Hiya, babes.

How is everything on the home front? Work has been goin’ steady but I already miss you and da kids terrible. Knowing that I’m gonna provide the money to help give all a'ya a better life is what keeps me going. So far this job has been a bit of a mixed blessing. Don’t get me wrong, the pay is great (why else would I have moved half way around the world for a job). The scenery is nice out here and the work is hard but fulfilling. Also my boss, Looten Plunder, has been great. He bends over backwards to create an open and rewarding work environment. It really is pretty rare these days to find a successful business man who really seems to care about his employees.

As anybody on this jobsite will tell you there are really only three things that have been bringing down moral on this job.

The heat… the bugs… and the Planeteers.

I don’t know if I mentioned them in my last letter but they are a weird, confused group’a kids. We got environmental protesters back in the states but the folks are in a league all of their own! And it’s pointless; Mr. Plunder runs one of the most environmentally-conscious companies I’ve ever seen! Everything has to be done by the book; we can’t even leave a plant outta place! Not to mention da fact that Mr. Plunder himself donates thousands a dollars a year to the preservation of nature.

But these goofy kids don’t leave us alone for a minute! Talking about the atrocities we’ve committed against the planet…. the plants and animals and mother nature in general. I honestly think they protest because we’re a big company and we work outside. Speaking of Mother Nature, she’s here too! This middle-aged lady that looks to be about 40 but sounds somewhere around 60! She’s like the ring leader of the group and for some reason walks around in a toga all da time. She’s beautiful, except for the ridiculous outfit; so it's pretty weird when she opens her mouth, she sounds like Whoopi Goldberg! Ha ha! I’m guessing she’s a pretty heavy smoker, at least a pack a day which is funny because she’s one of the most judgmental sanctimonious broads I’ve ever come across.

But enough about Whoopi Crazyberg; I gotta tell you more about these dumb Planetteer kids. They got this club or something and they all wear these matching t-shirts. They take their orders from the Mother Nature lady and they will not leave us alone…if it isn’t the rapping (yeah they rap… long story), they’re using their magic rings on us. Did I mention the rings? Yeah, see all these kids got these rings from the Whoopi Goldberg lady and they think the rings give 'em magic powers. One of them is fire, one is water and so on… so they think they can harness the elements and end our brutal attacks on nature.

The way it usually works is that they point one of their rings at us and then trick themselves into thinking it accomplished something. The other day I was taking some soil readings to find out the ore concentrations on some rocks we removed and this red-headed kid runs up and says “Time to warm this party up…Fire!” and then he takes out a butane lighter and a can of hairspray and catches the interior of my jeep on fire! It caused 13k in damage and extended my workday about three hours. It was a real shame. I loved that jeep.

The other day we were constructing a school for the local underprivileged children when "the Planeteers” struck again; they kept sabotaging our construction. This Asian chick grabs one of our irrigation hoses and starts spraying down the whole crew shouting “Water Water Water!” in her Japanese accent. (They all talk in strong accents like they’re gathered from across the globe, though I’ve heard them talk in private and they're all clearly from Brooklyn…I’m telling you, these kids are real oddballs). Anywho the planet-weirdos decide we pose too much of a threat and they decide to call their “secret weapon”, they gather in a circle point their rings in the air and take turns shouting out their elements (I seriously think there might be drugs involved here).

Then this guy who was hiding (very badly) under a blanket on the backseat of their van. So he throws the blanket aside jumps up and runs out (tripping a couple times) and yells “By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”. Then he just started running around the construction site. If it wasn’t so irritating, it woulda been hilarious! The dude is wearing shiny silver spandex, red gloves and boots and a bright green mullet! So this guy's acting like a huge spacecase (he’s supposed to be the combined power of everybody I guess). While the security team was trying to subdue him, he ran into a ladder, knocked a bucket of paint over and some paint splashes on his arm. This guy sees that paint got on him and he starts screaming like a woman, then he staggers and falls to the ground as if he got poisoned. After that, all the teens scrambled into the van and peeled out. We're trying to get “Captain Planet” the help he needs…

I really hope the project gets back on track. School is supposed to start in about 3 months and those kids haven’t been given too much in their lives… it could really change the face of the community.
So anyway babe, I hope everything is going great at home. Give my best to Hyacinth, Richard and everybody. I hope to be coming home to you sometime in the next few months. I just have to earn enough money to get Junior that personality transplant surgery and maybe get us enough for the down payment on the nice little place in the country. All of this is worth it to change our lives, even putting up with those environmental lunatic kids and their theme song! (I really can’t begin to tell you how bad the rapping is.)

Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ve heard there’s this new kid called Ma-ti who just joined the crew. His element is "heart".

Really. "Heart".

He points his ring at you, yell’s “Heart!” and nothing at all happens… I don’t think they put any time into figuring out what his power was actually supposed to be. I swear, these kids are gonna drive me to drinking.

As always, my dear, remember… the power is yours.
I love you.

Your Husband,
              Argos Bleak

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