Thursday, March 29, 2012

Moron Madness Part 2! The Foolish Four

First posted on March 28th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
 Coverage has been intense for this years Moron Madness and I’m sure all the idiots in the contest would like to thank each and every one of you for cheering on your favorite dolt. While not everyone can be a champion all of our competitors are shamefully stupid in their own unique and wonderful ways. Now without any further pomp and circumstance I present part two of Claymation Werewolf’s Moron Madness Tournament!




Balki vs. Joey

There has been a lot of trash talk between these two highly trained competitors throughout this entire tournament and tonight, the rivalry was settled once and for all.

Joey’s opening volley of stupidity and confusion was truly breathtaking. Balki countered with idiocy of his own, paired with an astounding misunderstanding about how the world worked. Hurling insults that didn’t even make sense in his home country, Balki began to show the crowd why this simple, hometown boy from Mypos, was in the foolish four.

Midway through the game, Joey became distracted by his adoring female fans and the reporters from Tiger Beat and Seventeen Magazine. The young athlete began smiling and mugging for the crowd. Striking poses and trying to be cool he completely lost track of his idiot roots pulling what they refer to in the sport as an “Eddie Winslow.”

By the end of the third quarter he was desperately behind in points and started erratically throwing out “Whoa!” and “Whoa!” but it was no use Balki Bartokomous walks over Joey Russo like a sheep herder over a pile of mud.

 124-73 Balki advances to the “Chump”ionship




Dauber vs. Rose

The battle that everyone in the Midwest has been eagerly anticipating; the famed “War of Minnesota!” Both contestants came out strong Rose misunderstanding the referee’s opening instructions which resulted in hilarious wacky hijinks. Dauber countered with his trademark vacant stare and battle cry of “Uhhhh”

Rose began to work the finesse, tying in pointless stories with confused dumb blonde moments and self deprecating humor but Dauber was ready. Using his 9 years as a college athlete paired with his year as a coaches assistant; he quickly put together an amazing competitive strategy sure to completely turn the tides of the match!

Upon doing this he was immediately disqualified for excessive forethought and logic and Rose Walks away with the victory.

 88-68 Rose Nylund advances to the “Chump”ionship





Balki vs. Rose

Long-time followers of sitcom showdowns knew very well that this tournament was never going to end any other way than a showdown between Rose Nylund and Balki Bartokomous. These two masters of imbecilic endeavors steamrolled over everyone they faced and today, it all comes down to this. Their careers seem to rival each other as though it were scripted; both are fishes out of water, both have wacky and unbelievable tales of a strange, far away land. And both drive their roommates up the wall! Sadly, only one can walk away as the National Moron Madness “Chump”ion.

The game got off to an exciting start with both dimwits playing their hearts out. They met each other at every turn. Rose became confused by something, Balki Became more confused… Baki told a nonsense story about herding goats in Mypos…Rose told a nonsense story about owning a cow farm in St Olaf. Balki performed a classic misunderstanding of our American Culture and Rose was right there with a horrifying Viking Fish meal with an unpronounceable name! with 2 minutes left on the clock and Rose Nylund ahead by five points, a hush fell over the crowd. Balki put on a ridiculous looking outfit and Rose called a time out.

Upon returning to the court, with Balki behind by one point, the unthinkable happened. Out of nowhere, Rose began to soberly and with uncharacteristically intelligence deal with a serious social issue of the 80’s. As a result of this horrible slip-up, Balki was able to steal the momentum and drive down the court performing the greatest three point, “Don’t be ridiculous” of his career. The final buzzer blasts and Balki Bartokomous becomes the first Moron Madness “Chumpion!”

 89-87 Balki wins. (Final)

Despite the years I’ve spent as a famous sitcom athletic announcer, I never quite know how to sum up these moments of greatness. These great moments that bring joy to the hearts of a nation and inspire future generations of stupid sitcom stars. While I may not have the words to express the joy that we all feel in these moments, maybe…just maybe there are no need for words. I think it’s best to let our “Chump”ion celebrate in his own way…

The Dance of Joy!!!

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