The Fearsome Five Revealed!

First posted as a Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

Later posted on June 15th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          I often receive letters from loyal coo-coo cola cult members asking

“CMW, how do you obtain such insight? So many behind the scenes observations on the characters we remember and love?”

          The rest of the letters we get can be pretty insulting so I’m going to focus on these. In short, I have spent a large portion of my professional life serving on the front lines of Gen-Y toons, actually living among these characters in the own worlds!

          To give my readers a better idea of what I mean I have decided to share the details of one assignment that has recently become de-classified. The two years I spent in Saint Canard embedded with The Fearsome Five were some of the most exiting I ever experienced.

          In 1992, hoping to cash in on the recent wave of individual villains joining forces to create super villain teams, Nega Duck embarked on a highly aggressive recruiting campaign to bring together the most feared criminals in and around St. Canard. I had long awaited an opportunity to perform research within the Darkwing Duck universe, and as there was an open call for despicable characters, there was never a better chance. Under the guise of the cleverly named “Clone Wolf” I gained the trust of the super villain team using my Claymation powered abilities to makes copies of myself I proved my criminal value to the team.

          As with all other cartoons of the era, any evidence of my presence was removed before being presented to the public. I sacrificed the wealth, and prestige I would have inevitably gained so that I could continue to bring you the un-filtered non biased frontline reports you have come to expect from every issue of the Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest. While I may have removed myself from the full report, one thing that does shine through is the incredible depth of character in the Fearsome Five. While the five, as a whole may have seemed like a Bloodthirsty group riddled with in-fighting. Individually they were so much more.

          The Liquidator or as he is know to the rest of the group “Showbiz”, is actually the cruelest of the team. Camouflaging his casual disregard for life with his hilarious puns and “infomercial pitch man” personality. In addition there is no one better at whipping up a great hot cocoa at three in the morning when you just want to have a quite talk, or even a good cry.

          Bushroot, a botanical genius was an understated and often misunderstood member of the team. Only those who really knew him, ever appreciated his ability to turn a simple hobby like murder into an art form.

          My favorite member of this team was always Mr. Elmo Sputterspark. Megavolt was not just a desperate mouse filled with hatred, self doubt, and thousands of volts of electricity… He was a desperate mouse who would stop at nothing to provide top notch slapstick comedy much to the amusement of his friends.

          Some may have seen Nega-Duck’s constant willingness to stab his team members in the back as a lack of leadership skills, but it was just tough love. Trying to kill them may have been a little excessively tough but what can you do? Plus the guy has his own evil mirror universe…and you have to enter it through a giant “stripper cake”! Honestly. How could you possibly judge a guy who has his own magic stripper cake portal.

          And What can I say about Quacker-Jack. Seriously. LEGALLY what am I allowed to say about Quacker-Jack. Unfortunately the wacky jokester member of this team genuinely is a raving lunatic. Prone to random act of intense violence, he is seldom aware of his surroundings, his evil toys barely even obey him. The acts that this madman committed are the only parts of my research that I was never permitted to repeat. Suffice it to say Mr. Banana Man was Disney’s last minute replacement for the severed head that he was actually carrying around.

          The members of the Fearsome five are amazing villains with powers that have long been the envy of evil doers, not only within the realm of Disney but cartoons in general, reaching heights as far as the Justice League of America. More important than being great villains however, the fearsome five were great people…err, great ducks, dog and um.. a mouse, or possibly rat. Regardless the fearsome five are the type of guys you can really trust. Who you can always turn to when things are bad. The times we used to spend burning down orphanages, and torturing helpless people are times that I will never forget. I not only documented their story, I came to know each of them better than I had ever imagined.

          While some may see the events portrayed in “Just us Justice Ducks” as an amazing tale of adventure, and a heroes triumph against staggering odds. Being an insider of the story I can see it for what it truly was, the tragic tale of a team, full of potential and brought to destruction at the very height of it’s glory. Handed a physically and emotionally crushing defeat, with total success just within their reach.

          Many questions come to mind when you consider the members of the FF. Does Bushroot consider himself a member of the plant world, or just it’s protector? How is Megavolt able to be electrocuted, when he already harnesses the power of electricity? And why is QuackerJack chewing on my leg? We may never know the answers to these questions. Perhaps……we were never meant too.

Happy Late Mother's Day.

        Okay here is the set up…there is this kid, right? His Mother has been dead for a couple of years and he lives with his father Gus, who drives a cab. The dad is overworked and struggling to balance raising a child with working enough to pay the bills. The father is lonely, and his child has been getting in fights at school, because Mother's Day is coming up and one of the other kids teased him for not having a mom to make a card for. In comes a woman that they believe is a nanny that cares about them, but who is in fact planning to kill them. If you guessed that this is the Mother's Day episode of the hilarious animated series “KissyFur”, then you are correct!
        Once we get past these minor characters we meet the real stars of the show; ladies and gentlemen, your villains and mine… the Swamp Gators! Floyd and Jolene are trying to catch something to eat and of course, failing miserably. You have to wonder how cartoon villains don’t all starve to death considering the fact that they never seem to eat anything. The “good guys” eat and often times they even eat meat but the bad guys keep the audience laughing at there desperate attempts to survive. If I wrote the cartoons, I think I would have thrown a few minor characters their way every once in a while, I mean really who’s gonna miss them.
        In their desperation, the gators find a trunk buried in a river sand dune, which contains: 1. A pair of high heeled shoes 2. White gloves and a ladies hat 3. A pink dress and parasol 4. A realistic bear mask.
        It was quite a struggle for me to pull myself away from wondering what kind of crazy fetish sex this gear was intended for, but I eventually did. (For now anyway.) After I got back to focusing on the all too common situation of male alligators dressing like female bears, I began to appreciate the subtlety of the show. In any NORMAL cartoon the bad guy would pretend to be the nanny and get to know the kids and family. He would still go through the motions of the plot to betray them but in the end, he would have a last minute change of heart and show them mercy. This is not one of those shows. He gets the trust of the family, and he and his lady gator trap the kids in a cage and try until the very end of the show to boil them alive.
        If all of this weren’t enough, we are treated to a anthropomorphic bear love triangle, focusing on the cub’s teacher Miss Emmie. Emmie has clearly been positioning herself to be Kissyfur‘s new mom. Her obvious attempts at impressing father and son, paired with her resentment of the new “nanny”, add a nice amount of romantic tension to the show. She radiates jealousy throughout this episode by insulting her rival, and throwing fits when she thinks Gus prefers the nanny. I haven’t seen enough episodes to find out if she ever becomes Kissyfur’s step mother but I think the odds are that she does. If nothing else I’m sure she occasionally gets some from papa bear… I mean, a lonely schoolmarm needs a little honey now and then, am I right?
        Between the murderous plotting, and the sexual tension it makes me wonder what kind of audience this show was geared toward exactly. The one thing I do know is that Kissyfur seems to be the quintessential 80’s cartoon. The drawing style is incredibly weird with unique character and background design. Even the wonderfully bizarre soundtrack music adds to the feeling that this cartoon exists in it’s own separate world. If I had known about this show I guarantee I would have watched the hell out of it when I was a kid. The quality of the animation and the writing make each episode play out more like a miniature animated film.
        The discovery of this show is better than any gift I could have gotten for Mother's Day… if I were a woman… and a mother… and… It’s just a really good cartoon okay! Now watch it. Watch it!!! Or I’ll give you such a guilt trip.

Dom

In memory of Dom DeLuise. An incredible screen, and voice actor. A truly unique man with great comic timing. He was a large part of the cartoon memories of my childhood that helped to make me who I am today. He will be missed.
-j

After These Messages...

        Greetings Humans... The First official issue of the Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest has hit the stands! Incredibly, I am already behind on my goal to write at least one issue a week. (I will of course always stay on schedule in the future . . . scoundrel’s honor!)
        What you are currently reading is a “bumper issue” which I will periodically post to keep you abreast on the latest in the land of the CMW. I will give you a heads up on upcoming issues, changes in format and all other gloomy tidings. Other special editions will include:

Holiday Specials - Such as the recent Easter, and upcoming Mother’s Day issues. These will be produced the week of each holiday.

Commercial Breaks - Will be a video and short essay about a retro commercial. I will post these issues at times when I want attention, but don’t want to make a lot of effort.

        There will be other special issues announced later, as well as the regular issues of Claymation Werewolf. Each issue will focus on a specific story, not cartoons or products as a whole . . . so if you find yourself thinking “I waited all this time for the Ducktales issue and all I got was a four paragraph rant about whether or not Launchpad was a licensed pilot?” Fear not citizens, we will make a return flight to Duckberg.
        I hope you have enjoyed what you’ve read so far in my ongoing attempt to bring something a little bit different to the world of Gen Y Nostalgia. I did say different….not better.
Until next time.