First posted on July 13th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link.
Hi-ho Springfielders! Summer is finally here and I hope everyone has their barbeque grills running in tip-top shape! Mrs. DeCobray will be hosting her annual healthy eating class at the Community Center on July 1st. As usual I’m sure there will be a big turnout. Not that any of us seem to retain any of the information though!
Speaking of July everyone had better get their keisters downtown on the fourth for the annual parade. This year our sponsor Extensive Industries promises it will be a celebration that has no match! After the parade and the crowning of this years Springfield Baroness; everyone will head to the town square for a huge potluck dinner (no healthy eating here!). There will be good food, great friends, games and activities and then after the sun goes down we can feast our eyes on the Arbco Fireworks Display. It should be a night to remember!
While we are talking about nights to remember, I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the tragedy that happened last month. A man named Flint came to visit some family Jed and Diana Stone of 1422 Meadowlane Blvd. He apparently seemed uncomfortable the entire visit and went to bed very early. At some time in the night he awoke from a nightmare and found Jed and Diana to be missing. Now it’s obvious to all of us that they were with the majority of the adults in Hank Zartan Memorial Park working on this summer’s super special secret project, but Flint was not aware of this. Frightened at being alone in the house Flint became, and I don’t want to sound to harsh, but Flint became a little bit kooky. After searching the house he began to frantically roam the streets of Springfield searching for his missing cousins. When he finally managed to track them down in the park he was beyond reason. He started asking what we were up to and who was “pulling our strings” when we tried to explain that we were planning something big for the good of all Springfield. When we asked if he might want to pitch in he started screaming something about a Cobra conspiracy he made a phone call to someone called Lady J requesting backup and then ran away. Sometime later he went to the sheriffs office and began to explain that all the townspeople were kidnapped, then accused Sheriff Dearborn of being a shape shifter and jumped through the window. He then barely survived driving his car off of a cliff. To everyone’s dismay the backup that Flint called for actually showed up and our planning and building committee soon found itself under attack by tanks, helicopters and people in fatigues with laser cannons! It was a terrible night and several of the townspeople were injured. Also it was a devastating blow to the new recreation center we were trying to build. At the time of the attack we probably only had about 3 weeks of construction left and we had been able to create the entire thing without any of the kids in town finding out. It was going to be a great surprise and a wonderful place where families could get together, play sports and in general have some great wholesome exercise. The facility was a total loss. Tentative plans have been made to attempt to rebuild whenever we are able to eventually gather enough money for more building supplies. In the meantime, the children can continue to use the athletic facilities at Springfield High.
We contacted a representative of the army and as expected these “GI Joes” have no connection to the United States Military whatsoever. They are just a group of extremely troubled (and possibly lonely) individuals. We as a community wish these people the best and hope that someday they get the help that they urgently need.
On a much happier note, the Springfield High Cobra’s baseball team has finished first in their division! The team, led by Keith Commander has been tearing its way through every other team in its division. Commander has gone on record saying that his boys have been absolutely ruthless and are determined to rule the state finals! Their championship game was dedicated to Jimmy Bludd who up until the final game, was the teams loyal mascot Kevin Cobra! Unfortunately a member of the GI Joe hooligans viciously attacked Kevin at the final game. He shouted “I’m gonna pull your fangs Serpentor!” and rushed the field beating Kevin with an enormous fake gun. Herman “Bazooka” Bernstien was taken into custody but not before giving Jimmy several broken bones and a massive concussion. Jimmy is doing well at Tomaxamot Hospital and is allowed visitors before 5pm Monday through Friday. Stop on by or at least send a card to our own loyal Kevin Cobra so he can be back up and slithering for victory!
In the coming months, the founders day committee will be ramping up preparations for this years Founders Day Extravaganza. Mayor Dave Stro is promising that this will be a Founders Day we will never forget. I’m not going to give too much away but there is one secret that’s too hot to keep under my hat. This years keynote speaker will be none other than that famous Cover Girl, Courtney Krieger! She is said to be bringing a large group of friends for a big surprise and I’m sure were all exited and looking forward to a fun and peaceful Founders Day!
And from the bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you for your hard work, for your caring and for everything you do to make Springfield just the best little town anywhere! And I’m sure that dedication will be just as strong next year when we re-write the town charter and become a terrorist organization that will inevitably rule the world and slaughter all those who would dare try to resist our domination!
Have a great summer everyone!