First posted on March 11th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
Friends…foes…I’m gonna be totally honest with you. It’s been no secret that I have been, painfully, excluded from the Cold Slither Podcast Slither Madness Brackets. My bracket choices were considered “unorthodox” by the CSP crew and after some pretty hostile e-mails it was decided that I would be removed from Slither Madness negotiations and probably fired. Luckily for me I still have access to the site and will use it to decide for myself the answers to some of the greatest pop culture rivalries I can think of. These will not be put up for vote because at this point it’s my bracket and my rules and to hell with the consequences.
With my first choice I have decided to choose one of the most controversial subjects I can think of. A musical rivalry, the likes of which has no equal It isn’t N’Sync vs. Backstreet Boys…Not Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany…not even New Kids on the Block vs. well, okay no one has or will ever rival the sheer musical power of NKOTB so it isn’t even worth bringing up. . No dear readers the pop culture battle I’m talking about today is Madonna Vs Cyndi Lauper. On the surface the less musically schooled among us might say “But CW! Madonna is way more famous! She constantly reinvents herself and is still big! In fact she’s so big she just played the Super Bowl.” To that line of thinking I respectfully say, sit down and shut up. I’m the one writing this post.
Now I’m sure most of you might be expecting one of those wishy-washy, present both sides of the argument, fair and balanced, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, kinds of posts. Well, if that’s the case, you’re all going to be a bit disappointed. As longtime readers of my articles can tell you, I don’t deal in opinion…I deal in fact. The fact is Cyndi Lauper’s career crushes the feeble poor excuse for the single named, pointy breasted, Marilyn Monroe wannabe “musical act” known as Madonna. For any of you who might disagree; please allow me to get your heads right on this subject.
To begin with Cyndi is a style icon. She took the fabulous female fashions made famous by Boy George and ran with them! Wild makeup, crazy multi-colored hair and clothes like an artist, hobo or possibly both. Cyndi Lauper’s look was about as eighties as you could get (that’s a good thing.) She wasn’t all just “amazing fashion sense” though. Underneath that glamorous surface was an artist with amazing raw talent. She could dance! (I’m fairly sure) and more importantly she could sing…and I mean actually sing not process her voice through some goofy singing robot machine like that OTHER eighties songstress.
Cyndi used those pipes to sing some of the greatest songs I’ve ever heard: True Colors, Time After Time (a personal favorite) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and of course She Bop…yes She Bop! Only Cyndi Lauper could create a hit song (and video) in the eighties that was all about female masturbation…a subject of which I have always been an avid supporter…you know, for artistic reasons. I can still picture Cyndi steaming up the windows of her classic car, rolling around and virtually reinventing the “bop” what a great video!
But then…what Cyndi Lauper video wasn’t great each one was like a mini movie full of humor, drama and some of the best terrible acting ever put to song! Madonna had videos that supposedly pushed the envelope…but in the long run WHO CARES! Cyndi’s videos had that certain something that Madonna’s videos could never have that X-Factor could be summed up in just three words. Captain Lou Albano. Albano and Lauper were the dynamic duo in the 1980’s. She appeared on the WWF, he appeared in what seemed like every video she made. The two were inseparable and America wanted it that way. I was always a huge fan of Captain Lou and he died way to young, on my 29th birthday. I still miss the big guy.
I’ve already said everything I need to say to prove that Cyndi Lauper is one of the greatest talents of our times but let me drop a few other facts into your lap and, as they say, seal the deal.
1. Cyndi Lauper appeared in animated form on the Simpsons. Granted it was in the tenth season when the show had already been past it’s prime but she did her best to save it and that’s something to respect.
2. Cyndi was on the WWF! I know I mentioned it already but come on a female pop star on the WWF can you picture your precious Madonna doing that? No. You can’t.
3. Cyndi did the theme song and the amazing music video for the iconic, childhood cult film The Goonies! Nostalgic Gold, and Cyndi Lauper, Helped make it happen.
4. Cyndi co-starred in “Life With Mikey” with none other than Marty McFLy and The Teen Wolf and, my personal hero, Alex P Keaton himself, Michael J Fox!
5. Cyndi guest starred on The Super Mario Brothers Super Show! They didn’t just take any nobody off of the street as a guest star. You had to be a celebrity of the caliber of Elvira or Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years to get on that show and Cyndi Lauper was that caliber star. And it wasn’t just any old episode it was “Captain Lou Is Missing“ Where Lou Albano actually guest starred as himself on a show starring himself a la Redd Foxx guest starring on Sanford And Son (also a great episode)
Man…I love Super Mario Brothers Super Show!
6. She isn’t desperately trying to cling to mainstream popularity by constantly “reinventing herself” she just naturally evolves. And like wine, music and 80’s cartoons…she just gets better with age.
They say that a picture is worth a thousand words and so far I’ve written just about 950. So instead of continuing to further this trivial debate as to whether Madonna could even hold a candle to my hero Cyndi Lauper, let me leave you with a picture that will put the issue to rest once and for all.
You’re welcome in advance.
The Claymation Werewolf.