Monday, March 19, 2012

Time Machines, Open Box Reviews

First posted on March 18th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          Everybody wants to time travel. And who wouldn’t? I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t want to witness famous landmarks in our worlds history. They could see the actual set where the fake moon landing was filmed. They could hold a first edition of the first issue of Mad magazine, hot off the presses. They could even see the inaugural address by the first US president that was actually a Reptilian wearing a human suit! (Coolidge) Or, for that matter, inaugural speeches from every other president that was secretly a Reptilian (every single president since Coolidge.)

          And why don’t we have waves of people heading off to witness the auditions for the Beatles replacement for Paul McCartney after he was secretly killed? It’s simple. No one can find solid, reliable advice on what time machine to buy. You see, I’ve been told by my advisors that to people who aren’t obscenely wealthy like I am, the 4 billion or more price of a time machine can represent a significant expense; and not one that many go into lightly. Its difficult to believe that in this day and age people can turn on their electronical computer machines and call up side by side comparisons for cars, smart-phones, tablet computers and even video game systems (all products that no one even wants!) and yet there is no detailed product reviews for time machines. Well friends, this information drought ends today.

          I hereby present the Claymation Werewolf’s Time Machine Test Drives!

The Bill and Ted Phone booth (Wyld Stallyn Telecom.)

          When I first opened the Bill And Ted Phone booth I thought that someone had played a most heinous trick upon me. A bogus antennae on top was the only real sign that it had any real tech in it at all. And a phone both? The design of this was straight out of the highly uncool 1980’s convenience store parking lot collection! But then my trusted associate Phishbo3s and I stepped inside and it was a whole new story. This thing had more power than a mustang and a totally excellent series of features. Aside from it’s righteous ability to travel forward, backward and the five other directions in time; this gnarly looking machine boasts a most impressive amount of memory! In fact, we were able to fit Don Knots, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price and half of the Harlem Globetrotters and that was just in my Scooby Doo trip!

          Bottom Line: if you dudes and dudetes want to score a Tardis style time machine at a price that wont cost too much denero, look no further than the Bill and Ted Phone booth, by Wyld Stallyn Telecom!

The Time Turner (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Home Electronics.)

          The time turner is by far the most basic of all of the “time machines” In fact, rather than being an actual “machine” it is a piece of simple yet stylish jewelry. Running the old school Magic24 Operating system it is only capable of traveling an hour at a time rather than moving forward or backward into years and dramatically changing important historical events. With that being said, you may not be very effective in preventing political assassinations, communist revolutions or the Masters of the Universe live action movie but if you are in serious danger of missing your blog deadline, it is just the thing. While not the most physically impressive, the most powerful or even the most memorable…it is by far the most British.

          So if your regretting today’s outfit, this mornings breakfast burrito or your choices for the Cold Slither, Slither Madness Brackets, The Hogwarts Time Turner might just be the time traveling necklace for you.

The Quantum Accelorator (Project Quantum Leap LLC)

          Out of the box the quantum accelerator is by far the most visibly impressive of all of the time machines in this class. Sleek, pristine and very “now” Despite the fact that I had to spend three days shopping for a 3XL bright white spandex body stocking I was blown away with the Quantum Accelerator setup. Awesome wind effects, a smoke machine and some amazing 80’s music video lighting.
          The only drawback to the Quantum Accelerator is it’s actual operation. I was horrified to learn that you could only travel within your own lifetime…I was born in 1980, what was I supposed to do travel around the world touring with Devo? And not only that, each time I would “Leap” I would assume the identity of a complete stranger. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I woke up wearing women’s clothing! Not that I have anything against wearing women’s clothing on a regular basis, but some of those outfits were ridiculous. I mean, mixing plaids with florals? Oh Boy!

          Despite all of this and the fact that I spent 23 years uncontrollably leaping before I finally leaped home, I still recommend the Quantum Accelerator by project Quantum Leap LLC for anyone looking for flashy, high adventure time travel.

The Delorean (Emmet Brown Industries)

          I’m not going to put on a show and leave you fine folks in suspense. You know as well as I do that the Delorean is the absolute finest in time travel equipment that money can buy. An 8million horsepower, flux capacitor driven engine is rivaled in power, only by it’s killer stereo system. And with Huey Lewis and the news blasting through those speakers you’ll leave any Biff, stupid enough to call you chicken, staring down the twin flaming tire tracks you left behind. Yes it’s true Doc Brown has made a time machine, out of a Delorean, and you don’t have to think 4th dimensionally to see what a true bargain this is.

          Plus, it’s got those sweet-ass doors that go up instead of opening to the side. Who wouldn’t want one.

          So there you have it, my trustworthy and highly informed reviews of the best Time Machines on the market today. I thank you for the opportunity to use my vast and very impressive knowledge to the benefit of all of you loyal Cold Slither readers! You can now shop with pride for your families next Time Utility Vehicle. I’ll see you next week and thank you for your…ahem…time.

No comments:

Post a Comment