What a year…A leap year. Presidential election year…the one with Bill Clinton, George Bush (no, the other one) and H Ross Perot. An election that produced some of the best presidential election skits in the history of Saturday Night Live.
We sent the “Dream Team” (a group that I believed at the time to be the closest thing the world had to a real life Justice League Of America)
Wayne’s World, Aladdin, The Bodyguard, Batman Returns, Basic Instinct and Braham Stoker’s Dracula hit the theatre.
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More important than any of these things and in fact, the reason that we’re all here…In October of 1992, I turned 12 years old.
When I was 12, the weirdness that up untill then and been subtle, sleeping just beneath the surface, finally became the dominant force in my personality. In 5th grade, I created my first comic book with my friend Brandon. It was called Pizza Man! (pizza was pretty big in the early nineties, thanks Ninja Turtles!)
Pizza man was a lazy and carefree pizza cook working the night shift in a local pie joint. Next store to the pizza place is a bank which, on this night happens to be being robbed. The bank robber sets of explosives to blow the safe which causes an unforeseen chain of events, fusing our hero with the power of pizza. Flat and powerfull his head torso and arms were all made of pizzas and his fingers were pizza cutters! Pizza cutters… Anyway the explosion also shot the bank robber through the wall of the bank and into the pet store on the other side. Merging the criminal with a cat and creating the terrible villain Cat Man-Drew! Pizza Man and Cat Man-Drew would be forever locked in a comment with some kind of vague outcome that I never pinned down as it never got past issue one.
(A group shot of some of the memorable characters (what do you mean you don't remember them? created by the Quick Witt Cartoon Company.)
The following year I kicked my career up a notch by founding “The Quick Witt Cartoon Company! Acting on information (that turned out to not be true) I was inspired by the story of three teenage girls who created a fun cartoon and actually sold it to Warner Bros, creating Tiny Toon Adventures!
I thought “Claymation Werewolf…if they can do it, you can too!” And I set to work creating my own television animation masterpiece simply titled “Rover” It was about a Houdini dog that could escape from any leash, fence or yard. The story followed the lives of his owners and their interaction with their faithful escape artist dog. Once he inevitably got away, we would find ourselves in a brand new world full of talking animals…stray cats, a bully dog (owned by the female love interest of Rover’s owner) an extreme sports goose and a bevy of oddball animal characters. The show would constantly shift back and forth between these two worlds both existing at the same time.
(The Ever-Extreme Gary Goose...he's unstoppable!)
I didn’t just dream up this cartoon and walk away I put in some real work. Using the unique talents of several of my friends, we created character sheets with personality information…drawings of each character…background shots of commonly used scenes…everything!
I even got out my trusty cassette recorder and had individual voice recording sessions with my friends for each individual characters. This was the information I thought you had to put together to sell a cartoon to a major studio (as a 12 year old!) I was obsessed with the project and would put my friends to work every time we got together. I must have been a blast to hang out with!!
(*A never before seen copy of the doodle that inspired the Animated Series Rover! If some company would have come to their senses and bought Rover this picture would be worth hundreds of dollars!)
Besides my hardworking attempt to break into cartoon based showbiz (a dream I still havent been able to make myself give up) life went on. I developed a love for learning, especially creative writing I discovered a weird weird show called The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (the Rangers still exist…I can’t believe how much staying power that property has) and found some amazing books, from a new author by the name of RL Stine called Goosebumps!
In 1992 I also played matchmaker to my then best friend Vlad. He had his eye on a girl from “the other school” named Leslie. You see, in my school district the two elementary schools would merge when you entered middle school at 6th grade, so there would suddenly be all these strange and new students that you didn’t know.
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Anyway in between creating a super important animated series, I began to talk to Leslie and pass her notes from Vlad and occasionally take notes back from Leslie to Vlad.
My masterful skills as a cupid worked and soon they were “boyfriend and girlfriend” even going to the Halloween dance together. Our very first real dance! …I went alone.
(A young Claymation Werewolf. Believe it or not this guy went to the dance date-less! For bonus entertainment check out that awesome orange nylon lamp in the background complete with decorative pegasus!)
As the years went by, I became friends, and then best friends with Leslie myself and then we occasionally dated and finally started “going out” eventually, I would go on to marry this girl and this past April 3rd marked our 8 year wedding anniversary.
1992... What a year.
For some other dizzy leaps into our personal pasts, be sure to check out:
First posted on April 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
My Dearest Elizabeth,
Hiya, babes.
How is everything on the home front? Work has been goin’ steady but I already miss you and da kids terrible. Knowing that I’m gonna provide the money to help give all a'ya a better life is what keeps me going. So far this job has been a bit of a mixed blessing. Don’t get me wrong, the pay is great (why else would I have moved half way around the world for a job). The scenery is nice out here and the work is hard but fulfilling. Also my boss, Looten Plunder, has been great. He bends over backwards to create an open and rewarding work environment. It really is pretty rare these days to find a successful business man who really seems to care about his employees.
As anybody on this jobsite will tell you there are really only three things that have been bringing down moral on this job.
The heat… the bugs… and the Planeteers.
I don’t know if I mentioned them in my last letter but they are a weird, confused group’a kids. We got environmental protesters back in the states but the folks are in a league all of their own! And it’s pointless; Mr. Plunder runs one of the most environmentally-conscious companies I’ve ever seen! Everything has to be done by the book; we can’t even leave a plant outta place! Not to mention da fact that Mr. Plunder himself donates thousands a dollars a year to the preservation of nature.
But these goofy kids don’t leave us alone for a minute! Talking about the atrocities we’ve committed against the planet…. the plants and animals and mother nature in general. I honestly think they protest because we’re a big company and we work outside. Speaking of Mother Nature, she’s here too! This middle-aged lady that looks to be about 40 but sounds somewhere around 60! She’s like the ring leader of the group and for some reason walks around in a toga all da time. She’s beautiful, except for the ridiculous outfit; so it's pretty weird when she opens her mouth, she sounds like Whoopi Goldberg! Ha ha! I’m guessing she’s a pretty heavy smoker, at least a pack a day which is funny because she’s one of the most judgmental sanctimonious broads I’ve ever come across.
But enough about Whoopi Crazyberg; I gotta tell you more about these dumb Planetteer kids. They got this club or something and they all wear these matching t-shirts. They take their orders from the Mother Nature lady and they will not leave us alone…if it isn’t the rapping (yeah they rap… long story), they’re using their magic rings on us. Did I mention the rings? Yeah, see all these kids got these rings from the Whoopi Goldberg lady and they think the rings give 'em magic powers. One of them is fire, one is water and so on… so they think they can harness the elements and end our brutal attacks on nature.
The way it usually works is that they point one of their rings at us and then trick themselves into thinking it accomplished something. The other day I was taking some soil readings to find out the ore concentrations on some rocks we removed and this red-headed kid runs up and says “Time to warm this party up…Fire!” and then he takes out a butane lighter and a can of hairspray and catches the interior of my jeep on fire! It caused 13k in damage and extended my workday about three hours. It was a real shame. I loved that jeep.
The other day we were constructing a school for the local underprivileged children when "the Planeteers” struck again; they kept sabotaging our construction. This Asian chick grabs one of our irrigation hoses and starts spraying down the whole crew shouting “Water Water Water!” in her Japanese accent. (They all talk in strong accents like they’re gathered from across the globe, though I’ve heard them talk in private and they're all clearly from Brooklyn…I’m telling you, these kids are real oddballs). Anywho the planet-weirdos decide we pose too much of a threat and they decide to call their “secret weapon”, they gather in a circle point their rings in the air and take turns shouting out their elements (I seriously think there might be drugs involved here).
Then this guy who was hiding (very badly) under a blanket on the backseat of their van. So he throws the blanket aside jumps up and runs out (tripping a couple times) and yells “By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”. Then he just started running around the construction site. If it wasn’t so irritating, it woulda been hilarious! The dude is wearing shiny silver spandex, red gloves and boots and a bright green mullet! So this guy's acting like a huge spacecase (he’s supposed to be the combined power of everybody I guess). While the security team was trying to subdue him, he ran into a ladder, knocked a bucket of paint over and some paint splashes on his arm. This guy sees that paint got on him and he starts screaming like a woman, then he staggers and falls to the ground as if he got poisoned. After that, all the teens scrambled into the van and peeled out. We're trying to get “Captain Planet” the help he needs…
I really hope the project gets back on track. School is supposed to start in about 3 months and those kids haven’t been given too much in their lives… it could really change the face of the community.
So anyway babe, I hope everything is going great at home. Give my best to Hyacinth, Richard and everybody. I hope to be coming home to you sometime in the next few months. I just have to earn enough money to get Junior that personality transplant surgery and maybe get us enough for the down payment on the nice little place in the country. All of this is worth it to change our lives, even putting up with those environmental lunatic kids and their theme song! (I really can’t begin to tell you how bad the rapping is.)
Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ve heard there’s this new kid called Ma-ti who just joined the crew. His element is "heart".
Really. "Heart".
He points his ring at you, yell’s “Heart!” and nothing at all happens… I don’t think they put any time into figuring out what his power was actually supposed to be. I swear, these kids are gonna drive me to drinking.
As always, my dear, remember… the power is yours.
I love you.
Your Husband,
Argos Bleak
Monday, April 23, 2012
Pittsburgh Comicon is over and we had a great time! I passed out some promotional merchandise for the blog: Window Clings...stickers and magnets and they seem to have gone over really well. If anybody is new to the site and found me through my PittCon freebies, feel free to give me a shout, I'd love to hear from you!
First posted on April 16th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
The year was 1984. Big Brother was watching over all of us…but what I want to know is…what were WE watching? Speaking for myself, I was a wolf pup of a mere three years old when the new bread of television programming arrived in September of ‘84.
Using a patented pop-culture research method, I have spent years cultivating I have found a way to literally look back in time to an age when TV was simpler. When fashion was much more corduroy and when people broke records, selling records. The year of Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Four.
Scroll down after the jump to read more and to listen to this week’s episode!
As I started to dig, I soon realized that the answers I found were more amazing than I could have possibly imagined! 1984 it would seem, was a year when the television industry was ready to take risks. Maybe it was the fact that they thought the dystopian future of George Orwell had finally arrived or maybe they had just realized that human civilization had finally reached its height and they wanted to make the most of it. Either way, we were given gifts like cartoon blocks introduced by music mogul Weird Al Yankovic! We had cartoons about wrestlers! TV shows about helicopters… Sitcoms about wrestling helicopters? Strangest of all someone was finally brave enough to air a show about two middle-aged women with kids, living in the 80′s, cooking dinner and having jobs!
But rather than try to put my spin on such an amazing era of televised programming, I’ll let this historic artifact speak for itself!
(Check out the Claymation-style TV listings, see if you can spot any Easter eggs! – Ed.)
As the winter snow melts away and the days start to get a little longer I start to get that warm familiar feeling. Spring is in the air and to me that has always meant one thing. The longing to once again see a perfectly groomed baseball field.
The smell of the freshly cut grass and the leather mitts. The feel of the dirt beneath your cleats. The sound of horsehide as it cracks against a hand-turned hickory bat. All these things and more, experienced the best way the can be, through the eyes of a fictional character in a baseball movie.
Of the countless baseball movies I’ve seen throughout my life one stands out above all others. Always able to inspire me to feel that rush of competitive spirit, that nostalgia for the game…and yes, even the sense that I had actually gone outside and done something. The gold standard of baseball films! And that movie was called, um….okay I can’t remember what it was called per se but I remember the storyline like it was yesterday.
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Our story begins in Japan immediately after the Japanese Major League Baseball Pennant. Our heroes name is Tom Manumpi a former MLB player and private detective from Hawaii who was traded By Albert Higgins, coach of the Oahu Dobermans after being labeled “washed up.” Hoping to redeem himself in the Japanese league he found a struggling team in need of a little fun, a coach on the edge of losing his job and an opportunity to get back to the fundamentals of the game. Instead our hero learned nothing. Briefly starting (and ending) a romantic entanglement with the coaches daughter. He never adapted to Japanese culture and in the final game he disobeyed orders, broke the coaches national record, lost his team the game and got both of them fired.
Back at his apartment, the disgraced Gajin receives an urgent phone call from Hawaii. It seems he had won a contest entitling him to a spot on a major league baseball team, provided that he supply a coach for said team! (it was one of those phone calls you get saying you won a contest that you never entered…there is ALWAYS a catch to those) Traveling back to the US to return to his dream of baseball stardom, Thomas has a layover in Jamaica (not to be to much of a geography nerd here but that layout of countries goes: Japan-Jamaica-The United States, in that order) anyway, he decides to take in a few Jamaican libations and heads to the local watering hole where in an amazing turn of events he realizes that one of the local barflies is in fact a down on his luck, world famous baseball coach (and fly killing hobbyist) Hank Miyagi. Coach Miyagi fell out of the public eye after his star pitcher got his leg swept during the 1984 world series. After days of pestering Mr. Miyagi through inspirational speeches, songs and all-around wacky hijinks, Magnumpi finally convinces the coach to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory.
A week into playing for the Detroit Robo-Cops Coach Miyagi is busted for drunken driving and immediately fired from the team. He is sentenced to perform community service by coaching a team in the dreaded “Sand Leagues” His now loyal team captain Thomas, follows his chief but they have some trouble getting any of the other players to leave the safety of their major league contracts to play in the uncharted wilds of the sand league. In a desperate attempt to bring some talent with them they call star player Eddie “The Toledo Torpedo” James; a gifted player who became a pitching star as a teenager when a freak broken arm caused him to have incredible throwing strength. During the phone call Eddie tells Miyagi that all they have to say is “show me the money” confused by his request (it’s an unpaid position) they still comply. They say show me the money back and forth to each other over the phone for 23 straight hours while Thomas Magnumpi dances around Miyagi’s kitchen for no reason. Eventually The Torpedo agrees to take a chance on them and joins the new team.
The three men then embark on an aggressive recruiting adventure and along the way find some incredible talent…and ultimately, begin to find a little bit about themselves as well. More importantly they finally formed their team.
The Mighty News Wildcats!
Hank Miyagi- coach
Thomas Magnumpi- our hero
Eddie “The Toledo Torpedo” James- high powered recruit.
And the newest additions:
Bobby Biggs- an enormous and imposing figure, very protective and incredibly strong but actually a gentle giant with a heart of gold. Also in love with…
Chris (the puma) Leslie- First female major league baseball player in the league recruited for her amazing reflexes and hand/eye coordination developed during her decorated career as a field hockey player.
Tim “the ticking time bomb” Boombowski- A baseball phenom that the team desperately depends on and would be crushed if anything happened to him (for instance: getting injured right before the championship game)
Good Players #1-4- good players with some witty dialogue, who don’t have a ton to offer other than filling out the roster.
Chadwick Chalk III- A player with little self confidence but a lot of talent, who was kicked off of his team The Berkley Occupiers, for being part of the one percent. He’s on a journey to finally loosen up and be one of the guys.
Jack Pattella- a former softball player (who had joined the team by pretending to be a girl after being disqualified from playing for the baseball team) all disqualifications have long since expired but Jack has found that he just plays better dressed as a woman, and has continued the tradition.
Anthony Micelli- a tough, bruiser, hoodlum pulled from the mean streets and given a sense of purpose by joining a team. He learns to turn his criminal aggression into unorthodox baseball skill. He has an earring and wears a jean jacket with the arms cut off. Even while playing baseball.
Jamaal “Jokester” Jones- A player with no real talent aside from being hilarious comic relief who helps to keep the team together through his moral boosting, goofy gags.
Champ- a hyper-intelligent golden retriever who is inexplicably aloud to play on a professional baseball team but who ultimately gets kicked off for gambling.
At first this rag tag group of rapscallions has a ton of difficulty playing as a team, they don’t get along can’t play the game and their training results in side splitting sight gags! Over time (by which I mean a montage of training and games they begin to improve, turning their weird character traits and skills into unconventional baseball success.)
The team begins to plow their way through every team in the league they defeat The Cobra Kai Dojo, The Communist Russian Yaakov’s, The Icelandic EvilGuys and in one of the best scenes in the film they travel to an Iowa cornfield to play again the ghosts of past professional baseball players. They vanquish the evil spirits in the game and send those clawing and shrieking, apparitions back into the netherworld where they belong!
After the game against the ghosts their training has finally reached it’s apex because and they had learned the skills as well as the life lessons they would need to become champions. We knew this because “Stuck With You” By Huey Lewis and the News had finally stopped playing and the scenes of the baseball games had stopped being inter-cut with training scenes that had become increasingly less comical and more impressive.
Finally it was the day of the championship! Tim Boombowski had predictably gotten injured that morning and all the wind had been taken from the team’s sails. All seemed lost until Chadwick Chalk stepped forward. The team began to fall silent as he made one of the most stirring and inspiring speeches in film history. I don’t remember much of it but it had to do with the heart of a champion…something something teamwork. The love of the game and “if you must remember only one thing it’s…blah blah blah etc…. several of the players had tears in their eyes by the end of the speech and they began the slow clap… Even Micelli turned his baseball cap backward; his signature move when he was about to go “Game On!”
Unbeknownst to the team, scouts from the MLB were in the crowd and approach Thomas Magnumpi with an offer, very difficult to refuse, a 4 year contract with a major league team that would surely propel him back into national fame and make him a millionaire. Faced with a decision between fame and fortune or the team that had become a family to him and had taught him lessons worth more than all the money in the world, he made the only decision that he could. He chose the money and the contract.
Though the team fell apart and lost touch with each other and their new found confidence they never forgot about their friend Thomas Magnumpi and they never forgot the most important thing he taught them.
“Scrape em’ off…you wanna save somebody? Save yourself.”
This movie still brings chills up my spine even talking about it. I live my life based on the lessons I learned in this movie and if I knew anything about baseball, I’m sure it’s pretty solid on that subject too. Not only is it personally inspiring to me, it’s one of the few movies that I always sit through the credits of and that is because of the end theme. Some rappers and Goldie Han sing a song that sums up the spirit of the movie and the game better than any blog ever could. It sort of sounds like they’re singing about football but I’m sure I just don’t understand it. They have to be singing about baseball right? I mean come on, it’s a baseball movie.
For other sporting adventures in baseball madness be sure to check out these posts from my league comrades!
First posted on April 2th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link
As long time readers will attest, I am a pop culture journalist of high repute. But aside from cartoons, toy and movies; I would have to say that what I’m most known for, is my hard hitting Professional Wrestling posts. In my countless years covering the world of Wrestling, I’ve created a grand total of (1) article. Which I’m sure you’ll agree, is quite a library.
It was during the research toward this Wrestling library, that I stumbled upon a character that would change my life forever. His name was Paul Bearer and as soon as I saw his work I became mesmerized. Rising above the silly and too often, fake looking world of wrestling, Mr. Bearer carried himself with an otherworldly charm and style rarely ever seen in the world of entertainment. His power over the audience was almost palpable and I knew instantly that he must be more than just a wrestling manager. After a couple of hours of research on the subject, I soon realized that I had no idea just how right I was.
The story of Paul Bearer is as twisted and awe-inspiring as the man himself. It is this story that I bring you today: Paul Bearer. Untold tales…of the grave! As nobody quite knows when Bearer was born, finding any kind of real personal history of the man is next to impossible. When asked about his fathers age, his son Stanley “Kane” Bearer had this to say; “Who cares about the earthly date of birth, I am a monster! Born in flames, twisted and sent upon this path from which there is no turning back! Etc… But everyone agrees that Paul Bearer has been around for a very long time. Throughout his career he has been a constant spooky presence in the public eye. Much to the delight of weirdoes (such as myself) for generations.
Though he has appeared in photographs dating back as far as 1914. The earliest evidence of his career begins in the pages of a comic book entitled “Tales from the Ring” written by famed horror novelist Daniel Th1rt3en and illustrated by the mysterious Sean Hartter,
the comic, which featured the menacing “fictional” character Paul Bearer, leading captivated readers down a labyrinthine trail of malicious macabre to the “13th Ring of Hell“. Each issue was presented as an actual story from Bearer’s life and usually centered around a haunting tale of revenge. Forces of light and darkness pitted against each other, over a background of supernatural power. The comics were filled with hauntingly morbid illustrations, terrifying storylines and gruesome acts of violence.
Each comic also featured a hilarious comic strip featuring “Spooky the Goofy Ghost.”
Following the institution of the awesome and powerful Comics Code Authority publication of Untold Tales From The Grave was brought to an immediate halt (mostly do to the extreme levels of adorable humor contained in Spooky the Goofy Ghost. Little was heard from Mr. Bearer in the following 8 years aside from the occasional “Peculiar Paul‘s Paranormal Tunes” records full of novelty songs, spooky sound effects and ghastly stories told by Paul Bearer himself. The records had a huge cult following and eventually led to his return to the spotlight this time on television!
Paul Bearer’s B-movie Burial Ground was a late night Horror host show, running from 1960-1975 and featured the Haunting Mr. Bearer as host for “and evening of otherworldly entertainment sure to make your Saturday night…a sleepless one” The character Paul played was that of a morbid funeral director who loved his job…a little too much. Amid a set full of coffins, funeral bouquets and tombstones, he would interweave a series of disturbing but hilarious skits between segments of that weeks example of sinister cinema. The films themselves were very edgy for their time. Much more intense than the average shock cinema of the 60’s the plots were incredible and the special effects and production value were of a much higher caliber than they had any right to be. Strangest of all, was the fact that the movies never appeared anywhere but Paul Bearer’s B-Movie Burial Ground. No one ever took credit for creating them, they never appeared in theatres and were never seen after their episode aired. For these reasons, The B-Movie Burial Ground was one of the most popular shows on television and teenagers would be sure to leave make-out point early every Saturday night so they wouldn’t miss a single minute. At the closing of each episode Bearer would make his famous closing speech;
"And now, my compassionate crowd, it is once again time for me to dearly depart. But have no fear, I’ve already begun digging up next weeks frightfully fun film! I’m sure every one of you will return next week to see what’s next from the movie morgue. And to those that don’t return…I might be digging you up even sooner. Good Night!"
Despite being at the height of it’s ratings, the B-Movie Burial Ground ended suddenly and without explanation on October 14th of 1975. It was said by some that the paranormal funeral director had actually begun to practice the dark arts. Others even suggested that he had always been possessed by a supernatural force and had simply created characters in an attempt to gather a following all the while, hiding the truth in plain sight.
No one knows why Bearer chose to leave a place in which he seemed to at home but everyone agree that his reasons are probably not something that the world is ready for. As each new incarnation of Paul Bearer is more powerful and more gruesome than the last, we can only live in constant fear of what Paul Bearer will next become…and who among us will be his next victims.
