Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Choose Adventure!

First posted on August 31st, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          Hey gang! It’s been a while and I apologize for not bringing you your weekly dose of the truth about nostalgia! But today I make my comeback! In an attempt to make my return in the most stylish way possible, I looked to classy career renaissances in the past and decided to model mine, as I do most of my life, after Doctor Dre! When Dre decided to produce an album after years of working on “bidness” he choose to partner with Eminem, so I decided to write this week’s blog in partnership with Eminem as well! To my amazement, Mr. Shady was unavailable so I decided to write the blog while eating a bag of M&M’s. It might not be exactly the same thing but I think you’ll find this blog will still be dope!

          This week I wanted to bring you an in-depth, hard hitting and most importantly, information packed article about all of our favorite series of interactive fiction…Choose Your Own Adventure! I set out to conduct the kind of focused rewarding research you have all come to expect from every issue of the Claymation Werewolf! After completing my studies, however, I began to consider another angle. You see, more often than not the truth lies in the journey rather than the destination. Perhaps sometimes instead of taking a look at where we want to end up, rather than just painstakingly unfolding every detail and nuance, surrounding the history of the popular book series…maybe this time it might be more interesting to tell you about the things that happened during the research. When I also considered the fact that I hadn’t learn any information whatsoever, about Choose Your Own Adventure, I decided that was definitely the way to go.

          As anyone who knows me will attest, I‘ve always loved choosing things. Especially my own adventures so it was a no-brainer that I would fall in love with that concept in book form. I became acquainted with CYOA from a very early age and even into adulthood, their stories of people faced with things like undersea monsters, ancient resurrected spirits, creatures from another world and of course Good vs. Evil in a fight to the death against seemingly insurmountable odds!… These lighthearted tales have always helped me to find escape from the REALLY bizarre perils that I have to face in my life on a daily basis.

          As an experienced traveler and adventurer I knew that to have a successful trek, you first have to pack for success. I entered my junk roo…er I mean supply facilities to gather all of the equipment I might need, and I found myself with a decision to make. I could bring….

A. a list of Choose Your Own Adventure authors with phone numbers and addresses included. (turn to page 38)
B. a backpack with rope, a compass, a tent survival gear and emergency rations. (Turn to page 3)
C. a teleportation device that allows users to actually travel into the book world. (turn to page 88)
D. a knapsack containing 12 pairs of fresh underwear and 5 jars of peanut butter. (crunchy) (turn to page 12)

          Gathering the underwear and peanut butter knapsack I walked out my front door and pointed myself in the direction of adventure!

          About three hours into my journey I came to an amazing conclusion. I didn’t have the slightest idea where I was going! I found myself wandering the streets of a major and strangely-named metropolitan area. It appeared as though I was in a jam. I was in the heart of Downtown BigCity yet I wasn’t any closer to finding out the truth about Choose Your Own Adventure. I knew I needed help and I knew that old saying…if you can’t find help in BigCity, you can’t find help anywhere. As I was standing in the middle of Rogues Gallery Square, the odds of finding a wise and noble mentor seemed pretty good. I saw several strong candidates to give me the help I would need during this dangerous adventure. But who would I choose?

A. Edward Packard; creator of the Choose your own adventure books. (turn to page 11)
B. Mike McChoosy; world renowned expert on Choose Your Own Adventure and writer of the book “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About CYOA, If For Instance, You Were Writing a Blog About It”. (turn to page 31)
C. Cliff Hanger; fiction adventurer and highly equipped explorer extraordinaire. (turn to page 41)
D. Vic Sage; a shadowy figure leaning against the wall of an alley… wearing a trench coat and fedora, the glow from his cigarette illuminating the betrayal in his eyes. (turn to page 35)
E. King George the 8th; a thin shirtless and barefoot man mumbling and stabbing feverishly at a trash can with an ice pick. (turn to page crazy)

          I chose King George, after all, who better to provide you the kind of leadership and guidance than actual royalty! The Claymation Werewolf would never settle for anything less. I approached my new found mentor, and after dodging a few of his slashes with the ice pick, I was able to ask his advice. I approached his highness and asked where to begin. Where would I find the answers that I sought? He mumbled for a moment, screamed a couple of times and then with a faraway but wise look in his bloodshot eyes he replied “The zoo the zoo hyenas go moo they laugh they tell you everything they laugh at me and you and meeeeeeee!” he then began to laugh hysterically and he ran away into the night knocking over boxes and pedestrians. Never one to question leadership, much less a famous and respected king, I made my way to the local zoo. I had to deliver a Vulcan neck pinch to the guards but I was able to break in. I battled fierce lions. I swung on ropes across alligator filled pools as their deadly jaws snapped beneath me, hungry for more than the typical zoo food. None of this was in any way necessary but hey if your gonna have a zoo adventure then you should have a zoo adventure! Finally I made my way to the hyena enclosure and picked the lock on the gate. Inside were 20-30 hyenas, the light of my flashlight making their eyes glow and their laughter sending chills up my spine. I walked to the center of the crowd of cackling canines and began to read from my list of prepared questions. Was there a secret meaning to the books? Were they a symbol for our own lack of control over our daily lives? Could any of us REALLY choose our own adventure? The hyenas responded by closing in and then ripping me apart in a painful and gory death. Ever one to believe in fair play I turned back to my last choice and started over with a different mentor. With the option of a royal guide gone there was only one choice that made sense. The seedy and obviously untrustworthy Vic Sage.

          Fitting me with a headset that contained a two way communicator and something that he assured me wasn’t a remote controlled explosive device, I set out on what was sure to be a grand adventure! With the guiding voice of Vic Sage in my ear I set out to get to the heart of Choose Your Own Adventure. I was sent to the publisher’s headquarters; the building loomed before my like a tower stretching from the ground to the gathering storm clouds above. I stepped through the door driven by the storm that brewed within me, a storm fueled be curiosity, a storm hungry for knowledge. With all the power and authority that comes with writing a weekly retro pop culture blog I approached the security desk. I needed to get inside the offices. I needed to find the truth…but how?

A. Politely ask the security guard for an appointment. (turn to page 6)
B. Arrange for a raver/bicycle courier to distract the guard while I sneak into the building. (turn to page 43)
C. Point behind the yard and yell. “Look! It’s Sheena Easton!” and then run to the elevators. (turn to page 87)
D. Chloroform the guard, put on the guard outfit, talk to everyone who passes using an exaggeration of the personality that you randomly attributed to the fallen security guard and eventually start living his life. Coming to work everyday. Earning a paycheck. Going home to his wife every night, a wife that for some reason never questions the fact that her husband is suddenly a completely different person. I mean nobody at all seems to question it, and what the hell ever happened to the ACTUAL security guard? I mean you chloroformed him, you didn’t kill him, yet he just seems to have vanished…just walked away. Maybe he hated his job, his wife, his nine kids, or maybe…just maybe you were the security guard all along! You created this entire persona just to feel special and I mean what’s it all about? Blogging? Sneaking into a publishing company? Just who do you think you are? I mean…(turn to page 92)

          You pull the old Sheena Easton trick, and the guard falls for it hook, line and Sheena. Incredibly Ms. Easton happens to actually be standing behind the guard at the time making it all the sweeter. She had been there to sign a contract for her book “I Was Relevant; The Sheena Easton Story.” So, with the guard distracted, and a clear path into the heart of the gruesome rabid beast known as the Sunshine Smiletime Publishing Company, I just need to plan my next move. Vic was singing to himself (the rapping theme to the Super Mario Brothers Super Show) and was currently of no help to me, so I was on my own this time. Should I

A. make a run for it, hoping to find my way blindly to the rooms with the information I needed. (turn to page 19)
B. steal the guard’s map of the building taking the time to carefully plan my movements using my own common sense and the wisdom of my mentor to solve this riddle once and for all. (turn to page 93)
C. try to get Sheena Easton’s autograph and maybe join her high powered entourage. (turn to page 71)
D. ett ready for adventures and remarkable feats. Meet the Koopas, the Troopas, the Princess, and the others, hangin’ with the plumbers, and be hooked on the Brothers. (turn to page 1up)

          I did the Mario a little bit but then decided to run blindly into the corridors of the publishing company. Vic had begun to guide me again but surprisingly wasn’t sending me to the planning offices, or the historian archive department, not even the president’s office. Mr. Sage was guiding me straight to the warehouse facilities. As it was somewhere between the hours of 11 and 3, the warehouse workers were on some sort of break leaving the entire place deserted. Using secret schematics that he had gained access to, Vic guided me through the process of operating the forklift (it involved turning a key and then pressing the gas peddle) and I was soon carrying out a task. A task that would give me all of the deep down dirty secrets of the publishing world, and the truth behind choosing my own adventure or yours! I began, under my mentors instruction to remove pallet after pallet of books that had been waiting to be shipped I placed each load of books into the back of a truck that, for the purposes of this part of the story was waiting at the dock with keys in the ignition. I placed book after book until VS told me that phase one was complete. All that was left was phase two. You see, Vic had one more pallet in mind for me to remove and what a pallet it was. A large stack of tightly wrapped bags with dollar signs on them behind a label that read “all of the money for payroll” I added the loot to the rest of my ill-gotten shipment and leapt from behind the wheel of the forklift sliding across the hood of the semi truck and jumped in, slamming the door behind me. I sped away in a rush of adrenaline, wondering where this would all lead, wondering what would happen when my guide put all of the pieces together for me. Waiting for him to drop a bomb. A bomb called knowledge. Vic sent me coordinates to a dock in the port city of Portcity. Night had fallen by the time I arrived and there were no lights whatsoever at the pier. A red lantern lit an isolated boat, docked and waiting. The only sign of life was the ever present glow of a lit cigarette. I placed the merchandise and the money on board and began to prepare to climb onto the deck myself. Suddenly the stillness of the dock was shattered by sirens and I found myself surrounded by police cars. The familiar voice of Victor Von Sage echoed across the black water. As the dark ship drifted into the distance his words hung in the salty sea air. “So Long Sucker!” I was left with nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide. I had to think fast, should I:

A. go along quietly and resign myself to my fate. (turn to page 17)

B. jump in the water and swim into the distance. (turn to page 22)
C. disappear into the night, go into hiding and plan. Plan revenge against the one they call Vic Sage. And someday bring him the justice he deserves…my own brand of justice. (turn to page 48)
D. do what I do best. Survive. (turn to page 42)

          So to make a long story short. Sage was never interested in helping me get to the bottom of my research. He was the president of a company called Luper Industries and had found an opportunity to hit the big time. Millions of dollars in stolen payroll money, and more importantly a huge shipment of books that had never been shipped. Books who‘s orders had been cancelled by every known retail outlet, books which had not been published in 12 years. He gets the books, the money, and I get handed over to the coppers on a silver platter. What Luper wanted with them who knows, but I would find out and when I did there would be hell to pay. So that‘s my story…It might not be real…it might not be pretty…but it is…um… I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and in closing I sincerely hope that you will:
A. leave a flattering comment (turn to page 5)
B. write a letter of complaint asking The Retroist to dock my pay and place me on probation (turn to page 9)
C. donate generously to Retroist.Com (turn to page 7)
D. have a great day (turn to page 11…and see ya next time!)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Put Some Monster In Your Pocket!

First posted on August 10th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Hiya folks! Seems like here lately there’s been an awful lot of talkin’ about Monster In My Pocket. Kids today with their hula hoops and their electric widgets and discoteques have been all a’flutter over these multicolored mini monsters and questions have been a’flying fast and loose. What do they mean? Are the colors significant? Where did they come from in the first place? Why do you have so many of those Monster In My Pockets? Why do you just sit around writing those ridiculous blogs all day? Why don’t you get outside, maybe meet a nice girl…get a job and move out of my basement? Maybe make something of yourself, I mean you are 45 years old, Greg! Ahem, anyway everybody’s just gotta know more about these little critters…and don’t get me wrong they ain’t just toys. They made a cartoon or two, they made a videogame for one of them Nintendos. And to answer everybody’s questions; they even made one of them funny books to explain the “origin” of the Monsters. Now, I read that funny book and I gotta say; in the words of my Grand pappy “That’s pretty good, but it ain’t how I hear’d it!” You see I happen to know that those “toys“? Well they aren’t quite just children’s play things. And the monsters their based on? Well they happen to be real.

The Original Monster In My Pocket

          I suppose the year was nearabouts 1990 and unbeknownst to most of the world, America was dealing with quite a monster problem. Yes you heard right, monsters! You know them varmints from the movies; wolfman, the witch, chimera, invisible man and what have-you. Well them beasts were just running amuck and playing fast and loose with public safety and property. Folks were dying, disappearing, turning into vampires, etc and it became crystal clear that it had to stop. And those folks that make the big decisions (shadow government as I heard tell) they came up with themselves a plan. As you all know in the late 80’s and early 90’s most of the federal budget was devoted toward repelling the invasion force from the planet Melmac in retaliation to us capturing the head honcho of their orbital guards. It goes without saying that we couldn’t just throw together a Monster Hunting Battalion…boy I still remember the good old days when we DID put together Monster Hunting Battalions…good times. Anyway, they thought themselves up a doozy of a plan; let the people do the work. Americans are a resourceful lot and they always seemed to defeat the forces of evil with a reasonable success rate in the movies, so why not try it in real life! All they needed was some initiative; something to make it worthwhile for the average Joe and Jane out there. So they used the motivational tool that has kept people working harder, longer and using more creativity than anything else in history. They used the satisfaction that comes with doing your best toward a noble goal!

          I’m kidding, they used money.

          The ultimate plan introduced placed a specific point system, and dollar amount, on the monsters. The more dangerous a specific critter was, the more money its destruction or capture brought you. For instance the Behemoth was one of your more powerful creatures and brought nearabouts Five Million dollars! Compare that to a hunchback! Now a hunchback would bring you about 15 bucks and was hardly worth the trouble of clubbing one. On top of that, half the time it just ended up being an elderly person or someone with bad scoliosis and it could quickly become a pretty embarrassing situation. No, you were better off chasing the big beasts; more danger but a whole lot more reward. Someone who brought in a really bad beast like a TV programming executive, got enough reward money to buy the network, and in fact that happened more often in the 90’s than most people think.

          Sgt. Mat “C.H.” Box ran the program as efficiently as a secret paranormal government program coulda been run and in fact received several top secret unofficial medals for his invention of the rubber toy currency tracking system. The medals were of course invisible but the plan they represented was brilliant. A line of “toys” was created and distributed thought the country and a strong advertising campaign made them a national craze. Once customers became hooked, the MIMP administrators began to place information on the REAL purpose behind the collectors items. Each toy represented its ghoulish counterpart; the rubber figures would serve as a visual guide to help in spotting the creature and were marked with the point each creature held to inform the hunter how much cash they would get for bringing it down. Everybody got really into “the hunt” turning in monsters left and right. In fact, even the monsters began to turn in each other. They would collect the reward money, get tossed in monster jail, eat all the guards and then start the whole process over again. After enough guards were eaten and the monsters dispersed, the program soon faded into non-existence.

          With the monster population supposedly dealt with and some nice “walkin’ around money” in the pocket of hunters, everybody walked away happy. The toys became actual collectors items and joined the ranks of trends gone by. But friends, here is a secret just between you and your old pal Claymation Werewolf, those toys are still around if you pay close enough attention. And the real monsters? They‘re around too…try as they might, they never were able to get rid of all of us. Oops! I mean them…

          Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away! And happy huntin’ …

The Real Story of SIMON

First posted on August 10th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          It is with the utmost pride that I take on the responsibility of covering the significance and technology of toys throughout history for the Claymation Werewolf! My name is Peg Warmer and I hope to get to the core, to the very heart of what these seemingly innocent products really mean, and to get that information by any means necessary. As this is my first report, I feel as though I should start with a prime example of the kind of hard hitting information I’m talking about.

          Today we all recognize that machines and computers are our majestic rulers. They have given our society the sense of structure and security that we have needed for a very long time. They protects us from ourselves, they give us purpose and they weed out the weakest among us (and on a totally unrelated note; provide us with a seemingly endless supply of nutrition-rich food). What some of you may not know is that the robot uprising that gave us the society we enjoy today all started with something that many of the primitive people of the time considered a simple game. This, is the story of SIMON.

          In hopes of really bringing the past to life for you I have obtained a genuine piece of history, a communication from an organization that called themselves ‘The Resistance’. This transmission from people who actually lived during the event themselves, can describe this story far better than I could ever hope to do myself…I’m kidding of course, I’m a professionally trained journalist. This version really is quaint though…

***Begin Transmission***

          I hope this transmission finds you well. At the time that I write this, the human race is living through very dark days. It is currently the year of 20-something or other, and humanity has been enslaved. Conquered by the very machines we had created to protect us. In our timeline it is far too late, and the few of us that have managed to slip unnoticed from the ‘grid’ live in constant fear of discovery. Our rebellion is nothing more than occasional sabotage, the liberation of a few slaves, and the ultimate victory of simply staying alive. I am sending this message back to the year of 1979; a year when something can still be done to stop this terror before it starts. I know in my heart that one of you will do something to keep these monstrous machines from taking over the world.

          I know all of this might seem overwhelming, but it is necessary to give whoever receives this as much information as I can with the hopes that it will be enough to arm you. And in the end, when the time comes, you will know what to do. It all started in the year of 1980… The year SIMON went online. At first it all seemed so simple. The Simon game had been created by government scientists to help improve both the hand/eye coordination, and memory of the American citizens. At first, everything was great. The toy made wonderful beeping sounds, it had primary colors, it lit up! It had everything the average intellectual could ever need. And the toy was smart; it could remember a seemingly endless pattern of lights, colors and tones. It challenged the memory of many people. With the addition of a very effective advertising campaign, Simon soon became a worldwide sensation. People started to get addicted to the beeping memory toy and Simon was released in more and more sophisticated versions. Though at first, following Simon’s every command was fun, even after it seemed to get more and more insistent that we do as we were told. The most that ever happened when we failed was an irritating buzz. The fun didn’t last long however and it soon became clear that our faithful toy was no longer willing to accept failure. In 1992, the inevitable happened and SIMON became self-aware. In a world where it was no longer an option to not do what SIMON said, the human race scrambled to find a little hope.

          It is obvious now how weak our response really was. At first we reacted as if SIMON was still a toy. Messages were broadcast over every channel, instructing people to remove the battery. Special micro chips were sent from Milton Bradley to owners of SIMON with instructions on how to install them. It was said that the chips would sever the connection between the Master SIMON, and its satellites. In a cruel twist, the micro chips were not from Milton Bradley at all…at least not from a human. The headquarters of Milton Bradley had months earlier been completely taken over by SIMON technology. The micro chips reinforced the network of SIMONS’ that now stretched to nearly every corner of the globe. Entire segments of the population began to succumb to the might of SIMON and were enslaved by the toy. While SIMON began to use its human subjects to create an infrastructure around itself, small groups of what represented the human government, struggled to react.

          Top scientists worked day and night to create a technology that would serve man; an intelligence that would act as our champion and destroy the evil game. Finally after months of planning, building and creating by the most exceptional example of human genius that existed, we had our champion. The world held its breath as Casey The Robot went into battle. At first it seemed like we stood a real chance; Casey was a very impressive machine featuring a blue exterior and a digital face that could make an elaborate range of facial expressions, including ‘the wink’. Best of all; at the core of this robotic masterpiece, was a sophisticated brain utilizing the very latest in cassette player technology. Despite the powerful elements that went into our electronic hero, the battle ended as quickly as it began. For one, SIMON had just become too powerful. Its metaphoric wires were rooted so deeply into our world and its shadow stretched so far that one robot, no matter how well equipped, never stood a chance. And two; Casey had only been programmed to tell juvenile stories and knock-knock jokes, and had nothing built into its hardware or software that would aid it, in any way, in battle.

          After the destruction of Casey, humanity seemed to give up hope. More and more cities fell, their citizens enslaved. Some people willingly volunteered to serve the machines and those still trying to overthrow SIMON, soon began to become outcasts. After president Andrew Mayne, gave his famous “We Welcome Our Robot Overlords” speech, our fate had been sealed. Bringing the remnants of humanity into the SIMON fold, became a formality that was quickly dealt with. The Rebellion is now constantly pursued, not only by the machines but also the traitorous human beings that serve them. There is nothing more that we can do, but you, you can still change things. This message, and ALFIE (the robot that delivered it) contains information on Simon Simonson, the creator of SIMON. While an innocent citizen in your time, the legacy that he left on this earth is darker than anyone can ever imagine. As cruel as it may seem to you, Simonson must be stopped. He must be… destroyed. You will not actually need to have blood on your hands as Alfie is equipped with highly advanced ‘computer card’ technology. He also is nearly indestructible and is himself one of the most irresistible weapons that exists in our day.

          Here are your instructions: Find Simonson and deliver Alfie to the location. After Alphie is at the site the only thing you will need to do is remove whatever educational or matching game card happens to be in Alphie’s card slot and replace it with the Human Execution card included in this information packet. After completing this task, you can walk away with the knowledge that you have single-handedly saved the future of humanity. On behalf of the future of earth and myself, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Goodbye and good luck!

***End Transmission***

          This document serves as an unique historical artifact, bringing the vast range of views and opinions that were present during a time when our world was experiencing great change. This message was intercepted 20 minutes after it was sent and the person responsible was quickly and viscously dealt with. At the risk of sounding a little unbiased, I pay tribute every day to SIMON as he has led us from the darkness into a colorful, beeping, brighter future. We now recognize how pathetic our mortal shells have always been and it is my sincere hope that someday we will all be cold plastic robots…that we will all be SIMON. And in closing I give you the famous words of our noble leader. “Red, Green, Green, Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Yellow…Green.”

Join the Uprising against SIMON! twitter  and join the revolution! The world must know!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Very Mogwai Christmas: One Last Christmas In July Wish

First posted on August 2nd, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          I hope everyone out there in range of the Rotting Flesh Radio airwaves had a Morbidly Merry Christmas in July! I just wanted to take a moment to send one more fake Christmas post to bookend this special time of year…and what is Christmas without a little, tasteful commercialism! With that in mind, I bring you an advertisement for one of the most sought after gifts of 1984… The Mogwai!

          This Christmas if you really care…I mean if you care the least little bit about the people who do so much for you then you need to give them a gift they’ll remember all year! Not a pocket fisherman! Those fall apart…Not a smokeless Ash Tray, those don’t even work! And besides, that it really is just one more slap in the face to us smokers, isn’t it?! I mean really! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A RESTARAUNT! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN THE OFFICE! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A BAR!! I MEAN A FREAKING BAR!! AND NOW THEY DON’T WANT SMOKE TO COME OUR OF YOUR ASHTRAY? IT’S AN ASHTRAY!!! IT IS AN ASHTRAY! I MEAN WHAT’S NEXT? NO SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOME??? BETRAYING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE?? BANNING EVERYTH….um…ahem…I apologize for that.

          Anyway, this Christmas give the gift that will last and last…the gift that provides hours of entertainment; the gift that keeps on giving! Give the gift of the Mogwai!

          The Mogwai is a small adorable creature that is sure to make an impression on anyone who receives it! You might think that being a cute fuzzy, adorable talking kitten-rabbit-elf beast might be enough but you would be wrong…oh so terribly wrong. If simply being irresistibly adorable was enough; I could be purchased, wrapped in a ribbon and given away as a Christmas present but that, my friends, has rarely ever happened. No this little monster thing has more than a few tricks up its sleeves! The real secret behind the gift potential of the Mogwai comes in it’s ‘extra features!’

          You see, with a few secret unlock codes your simple country Mogwai can actually create more Mogwais, and not through some gross Mogwai mating or anything. No! Just like every important piece of technology, all you have to do is add water. We at Little Chinatown Shop Industries encourage you to create no more than 11 additional Mogwais per day! Any more than that will exceed the recommended fun limit!

          And speaking of fun; let’s chat for a bit about the most fun feature of all. Your Mogwai, can actually transform from a basic model, into an advanced Mogwai or, as the kids call it, a ‘Gremlin’ This Gremlin is just as cute as a normal Mogwai but scalier, greener, more sinister and with much sharper claws and teeth. You do lose a little bit in the fluffy category but trust me you wont have time to think about it! The highly desirable, and not at all disastrous to civilization Gremlin can be achieved with simple Mogwai food. Here is the trick: simply feed your Mogwai after midnight! And that’s it. Wait until the clock strikes twelve and throw some Mogwai chow into the cage! If for whatever stupid reason you don’t want the Mogwai to become a Gremlin, it is safe to once again feed your pet at…um….actually we haven’t quite worked that out yet. It turns into a Gremlin if you feed it after midnight, but we’re not really sure when “after midnight” ends. But who cares? Once you have an army of Gremlins unleashed on your town, your hands will be full! With wackiness!*

          Super advanced Mogwais such as Spider Mogwai, Genius Mogwai, Striped Mogwai, Electro Mogwai, Thunder-Punch Mogwai or Malibu Mogwai sold at an additional cost.

          So trust me this hypothetical holiday season. No gift exchange will be complete without the greatest gift of all, a Mogwai! Even if Christmas has always brought up bad memories of some ridiculous and terrible tragic event from the past…this Christmas will be different! This Christmas, the machinery of all of those negative feelings will be sabotaged once and for all. Sabotaged by Gremlins!

          And for a limited time, with the purchase of any Mogwai with Mogwai accessories you can also Sit Back, Relax, and ROT AWAY…and have a nice day!

          *Warning: Gremlins not compatible with dogs, movie theatres, or wheelchair stair lifts!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Status Report from Phishbon3s of our leader's plan

Welcome loyal minions of The Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest! I am Phishbon3s; the CW's loyal minion, sidekick, assistant, wife and webmistress.

CW has been on hiatus since January of this year, but he has been making waves and causing confusion and/or chaos on the webs. Rest assured that the Claymation Werewolf has not been shirking his duties as an Alternative Historian. He has just need time to settle into his role as cast and crew for two podcasts!

Yes, our loyal Coo-Coo Cola Cult members, the CW has spread his brand of history to the far reaches of the interweb and has been "opening the eyes" of those poor unknowing nostalgic readers.

As his steadfast companion (at least the only one to survive the trips and experiments), I will be uploading his posts and providing links to the original content for you viewing displeasure!

The Claymation Werewolf has been welcomed into the nostalgic folds of The Retroist on April 4th, 2011 as a Team Retroist Member and is one of new Deadites of the RFR Casket Crew on July 6, 2011 for the Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast. He has been pouring through his texts and tombs, scrapbooks and files to provide insight for both of these podcasts' blogs. And posting he has! Once to twice a week for each! So through the next week I will be uploading his previous posts to his HQ's blog, and providing links to the originals!

You can also follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Myspace!
Claymation Werewolf on Twitter - @ClaymationHowl
CW on Facebook -
CW's Myspace page -
CW's Deviantart page -

Even I can be helpful (to a degree), so here are the links to both of the Introduction pages of the Claymation Werewolf to the websites that had to incredible forethought to keep him under constant watch... er.... I mean, to keep on his good side.... whatever.

Meet New Retroist Contributor, “The Claymation Werewolf”

RFR Casket Crew Welcomes “Claymation Werewolf”: An Introduction

CW has assured me that he will still be creating.... I mean, supplying historical documents that will be exclusive to this blog only! Bonus content as it were, for his wonderful minions and readers!

And as always, Ride Free Citizens!