National Puppet Radio Interviews Super Grover

First posted on May 13th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          These days everyone is talking about heroes. Everything from powerless real world vigilantes, to big budget comic book superheroes, on the big screen. The costumed crusader is all the rage in America. But what about those that fall into the gray area? Heroes who are actually out there, on the streets making a difference and doing so with powers that most people consider the stuff of fantasy!

          Today I have been given unprecedented access to one such, real life super hero; that champion of Metro City, Super Grover. Reporting for National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

          After about an hour of Super Grover trying to assist me with things like crossing the street and buying a gallon of milk (all of which he did shockingly wrong) I was finally able to convince him that I was a reporter. The reporter. The one that spoke to him on the phone earlier…about the interview that I was trying to do. He stared at me in silence for about 5 minutes before he finally “got it” but after he did we were on our way.

          I ask him to explain a little bit about what he does…what it’s like to be a superhero

          “Well, you never really get used to it…the random interactions, the constant cries for help…even getting the strength to run through my paper logo every day, can really take it out of you. And in between everything else I have to make time occasionally to fight for truth, justice and the furry blue monster way!”

          “Every day, every night I patrol, handing out my own kind of justice to bad manners, forgetfulness and confusion whenever they make the mistake of crossing my path.”

          I tell him how much I admire his desire to help those around him…to overcome these problems.

          “No, no my friend. You see, this is not your precious real world, with it’s metaphors and abstract concepts. That is not how things work out here on the mean streets of PBS. What I mean is that hideous, monstrous, living embodiments of these things are out there; threatening to attack the proud citizens of Metro City and I, Super Grover! Am the only one who can stop them!”

          “The life of a sentry is not an easy one….even for someone as vigilant, fearless, ruthless and adorably furry and blue as me! This helmet isn’t just for looks kid. There have been nights when I absolutely got the stuffing beaten out of me, but I always won in the end. Justice…has to win.”

          I suggest that instead of speaking into the electric meter, talking into the microphone that I’m holding might allow him to be heard more clearly you know when he’s on the radio.

          Super Grover seemed taken aback. “You mean I, Super Grover! Am going to be on the radio??”

          I once again, explain to him that yes millions of people are excitedly waiting for him to be on the radio.

          “But you see this is quite impossible. There is no way that I could be on the radio, I am much to large and the radio would surely become broken…I could not live with myself if I broke your radio, and with so many people watching.”

          I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose in a classic (and hilarious) straight-man reaction shot.

          The rest of the interview continued on in this fashion and slowly I began to realize that this hero might not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Sure, we all owe him a debt of gratitude for his long public service and the responsible way that he roughs up two-bit thugs on a regular basis, but in terms of an interview he might not be what this reporter was looking for. After all, everyone knows that public radio and public television is staffed with nothing but the smartest and most sophisticated members of society and the people we feature need to be of that caliber.

          Snapping to attention Super Grover suddenly pointed behind me, shouting, “What is that! Why it is a giant, talking lobster!!”

          I quickly turned scanning the skyline in an attempt to spot the creepy crustacean but it was no use. Try as I might, I couldn’t see it anywhere. And when I turned around the super powered Muppet was gone. In his place was mild mannered, ace doorknob salesman Grover Kent a very un heroic furry blue monster, different from Super Grover in every possible way.

          And so, after buying a large order of doorknobs (he really was quite the salesman) I began to make my way home, proud to have been able to meet a hero such as Super Grover. And it is a comfort to know that somewhere out there, he watches…ever ready to spot crime and to stop it. Making the streets just a little bit safer for the rest of us. Unlike Grover Kent, who, when last I saw him was trying to sell doorknobs to a phone booth. What a weirdo.

          For National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

Ram-Man and Shadow Weaver makes a Cosplay Splash at Pittsburgh Comicon

First posted on May 2, 2012 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

This week I decided to do something a little different. Rather than review a cartoon, I want to present to you a time that I recently became one. As some of you know I attend the Pittsburgh Comicon every year and (thanks to my darling, cosplay loving wife Leslie aka PhishBon3s) I usually go in costume.
This year I had a spark of inspiration! Given that there aren’t a ton of hero types for a teapot kinda guy like myself (short and stout) one character finally dawned on me. One of my favorite (if dim-witted) heroes of the Masters of the Universe and one of the most controversial toys in the classic MOTU line; Ram-Man!

My darling wife spent months working and slaving over sewing machines and hot glue guns. We made more trips than I would like to remember, to Jo-Ann Fabrics (I should really win some kind of medal of honor for the amount of fabric cutting lines I had to stand in).

Leslie brilliantly chronicles the good natured “can-do” spirit that I maintained through the process, in this hilarious comic:


After all was said and done I really enjoyed dressing up like Ram-Man (a character I was BORN to play), I even like putting on the armor during the fittings!



Leslie portrayed the dark and mysterious villainess, Shadow Weaver (I’ve always had a thing for the bad girls) and she took to the project immediately.

Finally the costumes were done and we set out on our trip to the beautiful city of Pittsburgh, PA. The drive was peaceful and we even saw a fox on the way there! We arrived and got dressed in a parking lot (pretty normal for me actually, clothes are for squares) and entered the convention. After stepping into the con, we made a bee-line for the pamplet table and left a stack of Retroist newsletters, CW windowclings and magnets; all of which were scooped up quickly. Thankfully we kept restocking it throughout the day!

Immediately we got a lot of attention. People where overjoyed that among the latest and greatest in comic book and pop culture nerdery they got to see some characters straight out of their childhood! (Somebody really oughta create a website to capitalize on this nostalgia thing)

While most people called Leslie Orko…Orko! ….enough times to depress any dark sorceress.



…She made an immediate friend in a kindred spirit named Sarah Jane. Sarah turned out to be a huge fan of the old She-Ra cartoons. She had herself cosplayed previously as Catra and recognized Shadow Weaver immediately. The two hit it off immediately



(Sarah was also in an amazing throwback costume, brilliantly portraying the devious, whip-wielding villainess Cat Woman!)



Already plans have been made between the two of them to coordinate a future convention appearance together. Cosplay world, look out!

As you can probably tell from the photograph; Leslie went the extra mile with her costume, not only making Shadow Weaver’s eyes actually glow, she created several eye plates that could be quickly replaced to show a wide range of emotions!

We met a ton of great people at the convention (sadly I didn’t think to exchange contact info with any of them) A wonderful couple that each posed for a picture with us separately and a great Green Lantern!


The con was a huge success. We even won second place in the “group” contest against some amazing competition. We had never even planned on entering the contest and only did, after the third time that someone wished us luck in it!



So that’s about it; we left the convention feeling great, made some new friends and saw a lot of great merchandise and costumes. I picked up a few great dvd sets from my childhood and even the drive home was lovely! (We saw a coyote on the way home…weird!)

The Pittsburgh Comicon was and always is a great time! I’m already looking forward to next years trip (I have no idea what kind of costume project my Mrs has planned for me.) Nevertheless, you should really check out this convention and if you wanna meet up, get in touch with me! I’d love to meet you. And also feel free to contact me if we actually did meet this year.

Until next time, stay retro friends!

Earth Day with the Planeteers

First posted on April 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

My Dearest Elizabeth,

Hiya, babes.

How is everything on the home front? Work has been goin’ steady but I already miss you and da kids terrible. Knowing that I’m gonna provide the money to help give all a'ya a better life is what keeps me going. So far this job has been a bit of a mixed blessing. Don’t get me wrong, the pay is great (why else would I have moved half way around the world for a job). The scenery is nice out here and the work is hard but fulfilling. Also my boss, Looten Plunder, has been great. He bends over backwards to create an open and rewarding work environment. It really is pretty rare these days to find a successful business man who really seems to care about his employees.

As anybody on this jobsite will tell you there are really only three things that have been bringing down moral on this job.

The heat… the bugs… and the Planeteers.

I don’t know if I mentioned them in my last letter but they are a weird, confused group’a kids. We got environmental protesters back in the states but the folks are in a league all of their own! And it’s pointless; Mr. Plunder runs one of the most environmentally-conscious companies I’ve ever seen! Everything has to be done by the book; we can’t even leave a plant outta place! Not to mention da fact that Mr. Plunder himself donates thousands a dollars a year to the preservation of nature.

But these goofy kids don’t leave us alone for a minute! Talking about the atrocities we’ve committed against the planet…. the plants and animals and mother nature in general. I honestly think they protest because we’re a big company and we work outside. Speaking of Mother Nature, she’s here too! This middle-aged lady that looks to be about 40 but sounds somewhere around 60! She’s like the ring leader of the group and for some reason walks around in a toga all da time. She’s beautiful, except for the ridiculous outfit; so it's pretty weird when she opens her mouth, she sounds like Whoopi Goldberg! Ha ha! I’m guessing she’s a pretty heavy smoker, at least a pack a day which is funny because she’s one of the most judgmental sanctimonious broads I’ve ever come across.

But enough about Whoopi Crazyberg; I gotta tell you more about these dumb Planetteer kids. They got this club or something and they all wear these matching t-shirts. They take their orders from the Mother Nature lady and they will not leave us alone…if it isn’t the rapping (yeah they rap… long story), they’re using their magic rings on us. Did I mention the rings? Yeah, see all these kids got these rings from the Whoopi Goldberg lady and they think the rings give 'em magic powers. One of them is fire, one is water and so on… so they think they can harness the elements and end our brutal attacks on nature.

The way it usually works is that they point one of their rings at us and then trick themselves into thinking it accomplished something. The other day I was taking some soil readings to find out the ore concentrations on some rocks we removed and this red-headed kid runs up and says “Time to warm this party up…Fire!” and then he takes out a butane lighter and a can of hairspray and catches the interior of my jeep on fire! It caused 13k in damage and extended my workday about three hours. It was a real shame. I loved that jeep.

The other day we were constructing a school for the local underprivileged children when "the Planeteers” struck again; they kept sabotaging our construction. This Asian chick grabs one of our irrigation hoses and starts spraying down the whole crew shouting “Water Water Water!” in her Japanese accent. (They all talk in strong accents like they’re gathered from across the globe, though I’ve heard them talk in private and they're all clearly from Brooklyn…I’m telling you, these kids are real oddballs). Anywho the planet-weirdos decide we pose too much of a threat and they decide to call their “secret weapon”, they gather in a circle point their rings in the air and take turns shouting out their elements (I seriously think there might be drugs involved here).

Then this guy who was hiding (very badly) under a blanket on the backseat of their van. So he throws the blanket aside jumps up and runs out (tripping a couple times) and yells “By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”. Then he just started running around the construction site. If it wasn’t so irritating, it woulda been hilarious! The dude is wearing shiny silver spandex, red gloves and boots and a bright green mullet! So this guy's acting like a huge spacecase (he’s supposed to be the combined power of everybody I guess). While the security team was trying to subdue him, he ran into a ladder, knocked a bucket of paint over and some paint splashes on his arm. This guy sees that paint got on him and he starts screaming like a woman, then he staggers and falls to the ground as if he got poisoned. After that, all the teens scrambled into the van and peeled out. We're trying to get “Captain Planet” the help he needs…

I really hope the project gets back on track. School is supposed to start in about 3 months and those kids haven’t been given too much in their lives… it could really change the face of the community.
So anyway babe, I hope everything is going great at home. Give my best to Hyacinth, Richard and everybody. I hope to be coming home to you sometime in the next few months. I just have to earn enough money to get Junior that personality transplant surgery and maybe get us enough for the down payment on the nice little place in the country. All of this is worth it to change our lives, even putting up with those environmental lunatic kids and their theme song! (I really can’t begin to tell you how bad the rapping is.)

Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ve heard there’s this new kid called Ma-ti who just joined the crew. His element is "heart".

Really. "Heart".

He points his ring at you, yell’s “Heart!” and nothing at all happens… I don’t think they put any time into figuring out what his power was actually supposed to be. I swear, these kids are gonna drive me to drinking.

As always, my dear, remember… the power is yours.
I love you.


Your Husband,
              Argos Bleak

Muppet Inception

First posted on April 16th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

The year was 1984. Big Brother was watching over all of us…but what I want to know is…what were WE watching? Speaking for myself, I was a wolf pup of a mere three years old when the new bread of television programming arrived in September of ‘84.

Using a patented pop-culture research method, I have spent years cultivating I have found a way to literally look back in time to an age when TV was simpler. When fashion was much more corduroy and when people broke records, selling records. The year of Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Four.

Scroll down after the jump to read more and to listen to this week’s episode!

As I started to dig, I soon realized that the answers I found were more amazing than I could have possibly imagined! 1984 it would seem, was a year when the television industry was ready to take risks. Maybe it was the fact that they thought the dystopian future of George Orwell had finally arrived or maybe they had just realized that human civilization had finally reached its height and they wanted to make the most of it. Either way, we were given gifts like cartoon blocks introduced by music mogul Weird Al Yankovic! We had cartoons about wrestlers! TV shows about helicopters… Sitcoms about wrestling helicopters? Strangest of all someone was finally brave enough to air a show about two middle-aged women with kids, living in the 80′s, cooking dinner and having jobs!

But rather than try to put my spin on such an amazing era of televised programming, I’ll let this historic artifact speak for itself!

(Check out the Claymation-style TV listings, see if you can spot any Easter eggs! – Ed.)

Time Machines, Open Box Reviews

First posted on March 18th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          Everybody wants to time travel. And who wouldn’t? I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t want to witness famous landmarks in our worlds history. They could see the actual set where the fake moon landing was filmed. They could hold a first edition of the first issue of Mad magazine, hot off the presses. They could even see the inaugural address by the first US president that was actually a Reptilian wearing a human suit! (Coolidge) Or, for that matter, inaugural speeches from every other president that was secretly a Reptilian (every single president since Coolidge.)

          And why don’t we have waves of people heading off to witness the auditions for the Beatles replacement for Paul McCartney after he was secretly killed? It’s simple. No one can find solid, reliable advice on what time machine to buy. You see, I’ve been told by my advisors that to people who aren’t obscenely wealthy like I am, the 4 billion or more price of a time machine can represent a significant expense; and not one that many go into lightly. Its difficult to believe that in this day and age people can turn on their electronical computer machines and call up side by side comparisons for cars, smart-phones, tablet computers and even video game systems (all products that no one even wants!) and yet there is no detailed product reviews for time machines. Well friends, this information drought ends today.

          I hereby present the Claymation Werewolf’s Time Machine Test Drives!

The Bill and Ted Phone booth (Wyld Stallyn Telecom.)

          When I first opened the Bill And Ted Phone booth I thought that someone had played a most heinous trick upon me. A bogus antennae on top was the only real sign that it had any real tech in it at all. And a phone both? The design of this was straight out of the highly uncool 1980’s convenience store parking lot collection! But then my trusted associate Phishbo3s and I stepped inside and it was a whole new story. This thing had more power than a mustang and a totally excellent series of features. Aside from it’s righteous ability to travel forward, backward and the five other directions in time; this gnarly looking machine boasts a most impressive amount of memory! In fact, we were able to fit Don Knots, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price and half of the Harlem Globetrotters and that was just in my Scooby Doo trip!

          Bottom Line: if you dudes and dudetes want to score a Tardis style time machine at a price that wont cost too much denero, look no further than the Bill and Ted Phone booth, by Wyld Stallyn Telecom!

The Time Turner (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Home Electronics.)

          The time turner is by far the most basic of all of the “time machines” In fact, rather than being an actual “machine” it is a piece of simple yet stylish jewelry. Running the old school Magic24 Operating system it is only capable of traveling an hour at a time rather than moving forward or backward into years and dramatically changing important historical events. With that being said, you may not be very effective in preventing political assassinations, communist revolutions or the Masters of the Universe live action movie but if you are in serious danger of missing your blog deadline, it is just the thing. While not the most physically impressive, the most powerful or even the most memorable…it is by far the most British.

          So if your regretting today’s outfit, this mornings breakfast burrito or your choices for the Cold Slither, Slither Madness Brackets, The Hogwarts Time Turner might just be the time traveling necklace for you.

The Quantum Accelorator (Project Quantum Leap LLC)

          Out of the box the quantum accelerator is by far the most visibly impressive of all of the time machines in this class. Sleek, pristine and very “now” Despite the fact that I had to spend three days shopping for a 3XL bright white spandex body stocking I was blown away with the Quantum Accelerator setup. Awesome wind effects, a smoke machine and some amazing 80’s music video lighting.
          The only drawback to the Quantum Accelerator is it’s actual operation. I was horrified to learn that you could only travel within your own lifetime…I was born in 1980, what was I supposed to do travel around the world touring with Devo? And not only that, each time I would “Leap” I would assume the identity of a complete stranger. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I woke up wearing women’s clothing! Not that I have anything against wearing women’s clothing on a regular basis, but some of those outfits were ridiculous. I mean, mixing plaids with florals? Oh Boy!

          Despite all of this and the fact that I spent 23 years uncontrollably leaping before I finally leaped home, I still recommend the Quantum Accelerator by project Quantum Leap LLC for anyone looking for flashy, high adventure time travel.


The Delorean (Emmet Brown Industries)

          I’m not going to put on a show and leave you fine folks in suspense. You know as well as I do that the Delorean is the absolute finest in time travel equipment that money can buy. An 8million horsepower, flux capacitor driven engine is rivaled in power, only by it’s killer stereo system. And with Huey Lewis and the news blasting through those speakers you’ll leave any Biff, stupid enough to call you chicken, staring down the twin flaming tire tracks you left behind. Yes it’s true Doc Brown has made a time machine, out of a Delorean, and you don’t have to think 4th dimensionally to see what a true bargain this is.

          Plus, it’s got those sweet-ass doors that go up instead of opening to the side. Who wouldn’t want one.

          So there you have it, my trustworthy and highly informed reviews of the best Time Machines on the market today. I thank you for the opportunity to use my vast and very impressive knowledge to the benefit of all of you loyal Cold Slither readers! You can now shop with pride for your families next Time Utility Vehicle. I’ll see you next week and thank you for your…ahem…time.

Cold Slither Podcast. Origins

First posted on February 12th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

By now, everyone knows about the Cold Slither Podcast. Since their meteoric rise to internet stardom, their every move has been covered by websites and trade publications. While their legions of listeners know all about the show, it’s origins have always been shrouded in mystery…until now.

In this article, I will bring you the (completely unauthorized) origin stories of the hosts and history of The Cold Slither Podcast.

H Classick Material:

Millionaire, playboy philanthropist, Classick rose from his roots in the mean streets of the Brooklyn comic book retail world to become a self-made titan of industry. Not satisfied with his domination of the corporate world, he began to expand his interests into technology, specifically the manipulation of human minds. He soon left the safety of his office high atop the Manhattan skyline, to travel the country in secret, searching for talent with which he could build an army. He demanded absolute loyalty from those he recruited… Those who refused to join met with a terrible fate, in the company of the shadowy and feared arachnid canine creature known as Spider-Dog. With his soldiers, he began to mold the world into the kind of place that was fit to lead. While combing through ancient archives, Classick discovered the story of a rock band named Cold Slither who rose to fame using an advanced form of mass hypnosis.

They came close to world domination, eventually falling at the hands of GI Joe; A global terrorist organization. While a bigger fan of old school hip-hop than 80’s rock from Australia, he delighted in the potential. Through his experiments in the southern United States, he began to study the use of satellite technology on this mind control tech. In one attempt, he inadvertently brought a meteor to Earth destroying eight city blocks in the heart of Atlanta, Georgia. Eventually he perfected the technology and created Cold Slither Industries recruiting the finest minds in the geek cultural world. Alongside his international supermodel wife, he continues his plan for Cold Slither to rule the world.

Eclectik Relaxation:

Evil, monstrous dictator…cruel master of torture…track and field enthusiast! There are so many ways to describe Eclectik Relaxation (aka Mister Sin-E-ster, aka Skel-E-tor, aka Mag-E-to!). “E” Rose to power in the mid 1980’s. Ageless, heartless, and unstoppable. He is believed by many to be the one who actually killed Optimus Prime, Robin, and Superman. He decided to only break Batman’s back because he “kinda liked the whole creature-of-the-night angle.” Amassing a horde of blindly following minions, he systematically destroyed everyone who opposed him on his own insane quest to takeover the world. At the height of his power, he and his wife, the Baroness participated in the hostile takeover of COBRA, Extensive Enterprises and all of its subsidiaries. …unfortunately, in 2003 the bottom dropped out of the evil overlord market and his industry came crashing down. Trading in his dictatorial throne for an office, he joined forces with Classick Material. In a press release following his hire by Cold Slither, Eclectik vowed to do his best, as second-in-command to Classick. …in the time-honored tradition of his malevolent managerial mentor…Star Scream.

Tim Dogg 98:

Discovered during a meteor strike in the heart of Atlanta, GA in 1998. He was found amidst the rubble of a comic book shop. He had no name and no memories of who he was. When the rescuers found him he said nothing but “Tim…Dogg..” before passing out. The following days at the hospital shed no further light on the identity of this mystery man who had come to be known as Tim. While he had no memory of his life, he displayed an almost encyclopedic knowledge of comic books and comic book history. Remarkably, he seemed able to recite on demand, even the most obscure facts and information about super heroes and the stories that surrounded them. Following his recovery he began to wander the world. Helping those he found, in any way he could (his help usually came in the form of Marvel comics related information.) In his travels, he never stopped searching for a woman to share his life with…for a place that he could call home. Desperate to find something to hold onto…and maybe give him a connection to this world. A world in which he never felt as though he belonged. His incredible powers drawing their interest, he discovered a home of sorts in Classick Material’s Cold Slither organization. Though now in the company of villains, his path remains unclear.

…In 2011, in a quest to bring their own way of thinking to the masses, Eclectik discovered a form of communication without boundaries. It was called podcasting. Soon Cold Slither transmissions were spreading like wildfire through the internet. It is only a matter of time before their destinies are fulfilled and everyone succumbs to the might of Cold Slither. Their company motto puts it best…


We’re cold slither. You’ll be joining us soon.

NWO …A Journey

First posted on February 6th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

When I found out that the subject of this week’s podcast was going to be, the WCW’s NWO storyline, I was a little hesitant. In fact, I initially refused to do it. I still remember my conversation with Tim Dogg. “Tim” I said “I’m not just some hired gun willing to write on whatever subject I’m told to. I am a retro journalist and I take this stuff seriously. If you want a post this week, you guys are gonna have to change the topic!” Tim responded that he stuck his neck out to get me the Cold Slither blogging job and if I knew what was good for me I would shut my mouth and write the damn post “or, so help me, I’ll make you wish you had never been born.”

So, after some thought I decided that it might not be a bad idea to try and write a post about NWO. After all, it’s a good idea, every once in a while for a writer to step outside his comfort zone and take on some new territory. But where to begin? At the risk of losing all of my hard won street-cred as a walking encyclopedia on all things retro pop culture, my wrestling knowledge is sadly limited.


Sure I watched the WWF back in the 80s, I mean, I’m not a communist! It’s just that in later years when the WCW got hot and The WWF changed its name, the ladies were keeping me pretty busy. By “ladies” I mean my teachers, and by “busy” I mean sex. At any rate I didn’t keep up with it. I saw all the merchandise, I heard folks talking about it but I…didn’t even know what an NWO was. In fact, most of my memories were of Saturday morning wrestling (which came on after Garfield and Friends and before professional fishing) The rest is made up of a combination of Hulk Hogan’s Rockin’ Wrestling and me playing with wrestling toys (the still awesome WWF Thumb Wrestlers) that my parents bought me, for some reason.

Over the years it has all kind of blurred together to the point where I fondly remember Ricky The Dragon Steamboat helping He-Man to defeat the evil forces of Nermal, Emperor Palpatine and Nikolai Volkoff (I think he might have actually BEEN communist) It’s all become so confused that at times it almost seems as though wrestling was fake.

Now, I don’t mean to say that I didn’t know the basics, most of it is common knowledge. I know of course that NWO started as a small tee shirt and beer cozy company in Newport Kentucky. They were historic in that they only sold black merchandise. Featuring products emblazoned with their company NWO logo, which stood for Newport Worldwide Originals, their popularity took-off with high school males and young blue collar workers. Soon, they had gained major fame in the cut-throat world of logo tee shirts sales in Northern Kentucky. It was time to take the company to the next level. The answer seemed obvious, contract a major sports entertainment television company to create a complicated crossover, invasion storyline based on similar plots in Japanese pro wrestling for the sole purpose of selling screen-printed tee shirts! If they played their cards right, the owners of NWO believed that they might even find an angle to push their poorly selling Wolfpack line…and what followed was wrestling history.

I had a lot to learn if I was going to take that limited information and write a post on a website as popular as Cold Slither. Trying to get a little more foundation I began to ask Classick the meaning of a few terms that I had heard in some wrestling podcasts. Phrases like “Heel turn” “Face” “Go” and “Over” He explained that they had began as industry terms that eventually expanded gained use in “dirt sheets” which were wrestling magazines or websites. I then tried asking for a few more definitions. Things like “squared circle” “top rope” “body slam” and “Hulk Hogan” He said that he didn’t have time for my dumb questions and that I needed to go do some research.

Using the time honored pretend-blogger method, I got on WikiPedia and read all I could on the subject but it all seemed so impersonal. Words …stories ….facts …what did it all mean? I had to really get to know the NWO, I had to live the life, to get inside their minds. I had to BE NWO! I immediately began going bald…but just on top of my head. I let the hair in back grow long and luxurious. I started using an enormous collection of bandanas (and sometimes cowboy hats) to cover the baldness. I also practiced ripping my shirt off, randomly throughout the day. Considering the fact that I am a little less in shape than your average professional wrestler (morbidly obese) sitting shirtless at various times in the day sometimes got a bit awkward…Sunday dinner at my parents for instance. But I carried on, for the sake of Cold Slither! I grew a glorious Hulk Hogan mustache and practiced “championship belt air guitar” day and night.

Photo by Killswitched

Finally I was ready for the greatest NWO challenge of all. I began “Invading” things. I started small by invading my living room but between the damage to my own property and my wife’s less than supportive response, I decided to take the show on the road. I invaded a local Dairy Queen scaring away all the customers and breaking a guitar (I carry one with me wherever I go now) over the manager’s head. While I was writing NWO in chocolate syrup on the unconscious manager’s back I wondered if I was getting the full experience.

I had turned heel. I had started to act like Andrew Dice Clay. I had pushed the “creativity…not rules” philosophy of my office to the limit by driving my pickup into the side of the building, spray painting on every surface I could find, getting on the company intercom to bring everybody “following messages paid for by the NWO” I even spontaneously invaded other departments. I had been arrested three times and my wife had left me weeks ago. Is this what it was all about? Was this the true meaning of NWO? Anarchy for no purpose? In the end, I decided, sure that was it. Good enough.

I sent the draft of my blog to the crew whereupon it was immediately rejected. They put a filler post in its place and asked me very politely to “try a little harder next time.” I agreed and resolved that from now on I would FULLY understand a topic before trying to write about it. I’ve already received word, that next weeks subject is “Escape from New York” I don’t know what the hell that is either but how hard can it be?