Monster Squad!...Revenge

This is a LoEB post~

          Sometimes being a pop-culture blogger has its perks. Recently I got to experience a great example of these. I was given a semi-private screening of select clips and a trailer to a new film; a sequel to one of my all-time favorite childhood movies. The Monster Squad. I went in (having been burned by 80’s sequels and remakes, too many times to count) and left blown away. I’m going to do my best to summarize what we were shown, and I hope it fills you with the same Nostalgic Spooky Excitement that I’m still feeling! I bring you; “Monster Squad! Revenge.”


Background:

          Following the events of the original “Monster Squad” the group was riding high on their incredible victory over evil. The friends grew closer than they had ever been and life seemed to have gone back to normal. As the years went by however, some of the members went on with their lives, settled down and put the horror behind them. Others were not so lucky. Shortly after the marriage of Eugene and Phoebe, the gang began to drift apart. After school, Rudy began to manage the family hardware store. He settled down with his high school sweetheart and they were blessed with a son and daughter. He continued to keep in touch with Horace, Eugene and Phoebe.

          Aside from the supernatural novels that he now wrote, Eugene didn’t have anything more to do with Monsters.

          Sean and Patrick were never able to stop chasing the shadows that haunted their lives. Sean went into, what you might call, the “family business” enrolling in the police academy straight out of high school. Convincing Horace to do the same the two stay strong friends and after graduation became patrol partners. Sean never married and soon began to throw himself deeply into his new fight against “evil”; distancing himself from everyone in his life, even his best friend Patrick.

          Patrick went down an even darker path convinced that everything that had happened to them could happen again; he believed that the only way to prevent it, was to remove the darkness from society as a whole. To separate the evil from mankind once and for all. He knew that science was the only answer to the terror that magic created. He began to study the scientific roots of evil; the genetic defects that created serial killers and other monsters of humanity. Though almost completely isolated from mankind his search led him to someone who seemed to be a kindred spirit. A London botanist named Dr. Wilfred Glendon. Glendon had published several startling papers on a method that he believed could separate the man from the monster. Through correspondence, Patrick learned that the good Dr Glendon would be visiting the US for a conference and incredibly he agreed to meet with Patrick. After the meeting, Glendon confessed that while he believed he held the secret to creating a world free of evil, the strong regulations of the British Public Health System prevented any possible tests from moving forward. Desperate to continue the project, he had actually traveled to the states in the hopes of finding a research partner and possibly…a test subject. Patrick agreed without hesitation to help and soon they were working everyday until nightfall (at which time the Dr would disappear.) At last, after months of research the day came to test the formula. Surprisingly, Glendon scheduled the test for late evening. Patrick noticed the Doctor acting strangely as he prepared the chemical but did not question him. At last he began to give Patrick the series of injections he believed could remove all traces of evil. While he waited between each injection he began to tell a story; of his own inner monster and his attempt to quell the beast within.

          He ran across the papers of a brilliant young scientist. A student of human nature and the human mind, who himself sought to end evil and madness once and for all. Though the experiments failed to deliver the desired results, they proved to be more successful than he could have ever imagined. And the story proved something else to Glendon. Evil is strong. Stronger than human nature. The idea of trying to somehow defeat it is pointless. The true victory lies in embracing the evil and becoming comfortable with the monster inside yourself. If nothing else, this young scientist, this Henry Jekyll proved that. Patrick realized too late that he was being injected with Jekyll’s serum and that the entire thing had been a lie from the start. The final injection had been administered and night had fallen.




          Before Patrick could even react he saw a familiar thing start to take place. The Doctor began to transform into a werewolf. His last words before the beast replaced his speech with a roar was; “If humanity is to survive; we must evolve. Those of us who do will destroy the weak. Soon we will all be monsters, and those who aren’t will be foooood aaarrrrghhhhhh”

          Patrick stood frozen by the creature that now stood before him, until he was suddenly doubled over by a pain like nothing he had ever experienced ripping through his body. Soon the pain became a sort of pleasure, like lightning in his veins. He felt a cold and comforting presence surround him and he became alive, he became evil, strong and huge. He became Hyde.

          The trailer begins at the scene of a terrible fire. Several police officers are retraining one of their own; detective Sean Crenshaw. Sean is franticly fighting the cops and trying to get back into the engulfed building. He just keeps screaming Horace and eventually has to be taken to the ground. Later after a 3am phone call. Sean’s sister Pheobe arrives to pick him up from the emergency room. Over a pot of coffee in her kitchen, Sean tells her a story more horrible than anything she’s faced in a long time. Horace is dead. The official police report will say that he died in a fire during a search of a warehouse said to contain a drug manufacturing operation. But that was not how Sean’s partner and lifelong friend died. He was dead before the fire even started. It was vampires. Three women…he knew the look of them. He could not forget the way a vampire moved…the look in their eyes…the stench.

          The smell of death and blood and cold filled both of their nostrils as soon as they stepped into the building. Acting on an anonymous tip they were only there to investigate what they thought was an abandoned meth lab. They didn’t expect to find anyone there. They certainly didn’t expect it to be a trap. About halfway inside an explosion ripped through the building, part of a flaming wall came down feet away from Crenshaw. The two now separated Sean had to watch in horror as three women, clad in white, descended upon Horace. Though he was a highly trained cop he had no time to react before the three were on him and in front of his partner he was ripped apart. Sean fired on the three woman but as he expected, it had no effect. Overtaken by smoke and flames he made his way out of the building, hoping to regroup. By the time the first responders arrived on the scene, the building had began to crumble. No one was willing to try to recover Horace and no one would believe his ranting.

          They were back. Somehow, the monsters were back and they were after them. Somehow they knew and they wanted revenge. The following week brought the funeral of their fallen friend and the long overdue reunion of the once strong group. After the services, the gang began to walk and discuss. They listened to Sean’s story and they believed it. Patrick remained different. distant…changed. Though the company of his friends made his heart a little lighter, the constant feeling that he was being torn in half, was stronger than ever. He knew he had to help them and he knew that in order to do so he had to rid himself of Hyde. He had to find the Werewolf Dr. Glendon and destroy him. Patrick had TWO monsters to kill, but he had to kill them on his own. He didn’t want to put his friends in that kind of danger but he could also never tell them what he had become. Without even knowing where they were going, Sean led the group to the former home of “scary German guy”… Gustav Meyrink.

          Meyrink had died 20 years prior but his home had never been disturbed. On the day of his death, Sean received a letter in the mail labeled with instructions to only open it if they were ever in true danger. He knew that there was never a better time than standing in front of his house on the first day in which the gang… The Monster Squad, was finally reunited. The letter was extraordinary it thanked each of them by name for everything they had shown him about the continued strength of the human spirit. He had told them once that he knew about monsters. While he had meant the terrible days of the Nazis, that was not ALL he had meant. He had known of another monster. From his earliest days, his family spoke of a strange secret kept only to the family. A supernatural force that could be summoned or created to defend them in the face of overwhelming adversity. That creature was The Golem.

          The family chose, in the face of Hitler’s rise, not to create their protector…to depend on the basic goodness of people. He had known it was a mistake and vowed, on the day, to never allow that mistake to happen again. He had no children to pass the secrets of the Golem to but he had grown to feel as though the Monster Squad was his family. He knew of no better people in which to share such a grand secret. He had, unknown to them, left the Squad his home and all of his worldly possessions. After the defeat of Dracula, Gustav had worked day and night on the construction of a protector who would help them defeat the darkness, should it ever rise again. Deep within the walls of his home was the body of the Golem and the means to bring it to life.

          The Monster Squad stood together on the threshold of a new war. There had already been a casualty before they even knew the battle had begun. Some of the team had never thought that they would ever again fight monsters. Some had never stopped fighting. This time things seemed different. Less innocent. More personal. The daughters of Dracula seemed unwilling to underestimate the team as their father had done. Would the behemoth known as The Golem be enough to turn the tides of this fight? Stronger still was the threat from the monsters they didn’t know. The mad Dr Glendon had long since stopped becoming a beast only at night. His ruined mind had set it’s sites on a revenge to befall all of humanity and his first victim Patrick, one of their own, had already become his first victim. The monster inside himself, day by day was quickly overtaking him; down to his very core. The Daughters of Dracula, The Werewolf of London, Mr Hyde and the Golem. This wasn’t like the movies anymore.

          It’s time for this “damn club” to prove what it’s REALLY made of.

          Unfortunately we will all have to wait for the film to find out what happens to the gang but based on the premise, the new “Monster Squad” is going to be a true rollercoaster ride. Finally a sequel to a beloved 80’s property that isn’t going to rip the heart and soul out of the original. I’m not one for the hysteria involving the midnight release of a film but I plan on being one of the first in line at my local movie house when this gets released! I sincerely hope that all of you join me in proving, with our dollars, that this is the kind of filmmaking we want Hollywood to give us. The kind of thing that takes our nostalgia and cranks it up to eleven. Buy your tickets and go see “Monster Squad! Revenge.” That is…if you’ve got the gnards.

Fond Memories of Point Break. The Radio Show.

This is a LoEB post~

Looking back on my childhood it seems like it was always a rainy day. Elbows propped up on the windowsill I would watch the raindrops race down the glass, sometimes merging into one. I would watch the water rush down the gutter of the street and the cars slash puddles onto the walk. These were days where there was no going outside. On my days off from school I couldn’t run and play tag. There was no sandlot baseball, no games of marbles and no chance to play Robin Hood. The homemade bows and arrows set useless against the wall next to my wooden sword and lucky baseball mitt.







On those rainy days I wasn’t even able to take two bits and go to the local picture show. I had to stay inside with only my imagination to occupy me. I used to drive my parents up the wall running around the house, shirt tied around my neck playing Superman! Eventually I would grow weary of that heavy responsibility and take a break from fighting for truth, justice and the American way. I would spend the rest of the day bored. That was, until late afternoon. Every day at 4 o’clock something happened that could brighten even the most cloudy day. Something that kicked my imagination into overdrive! My favorite show in the entire world came on. As the closing music for the Jack Benny program began to play, and my mother got along with her chores, I commandeered the radio set and tuned in to hear that familiar melody; The opening theme to Point Break! Point Break was the most keen show I had ever heard. Centering around the scuba diving and boogey-board scene of Catalina Island in California…







Private Eye Johnny Utah would battle the Surfer-Pirate syndicate each week, foiling their every plan; from bank heists to jewel smuggling he was always there to save the day. Helped by SGT Pappas, A gruff police detective with a heart of gold (who loved “the sauce” almost as much as he loved Justice.) They patrolled the islands and the sea (both above and below) in a constant mission to clean up the beaches and make the golden sands of Catalina a safe place for decent Americans!

Sponsored by Carnation Powdered Milk, the show lasted half an hour (though it always flew by too fast) and opened with the, now famous, speech;

“Now Presenting the continuing adventures of Johnny Utah, a former all star quarterback brought down at the height of glory by a bum knee. Now he plays a game with much higher stakes. The game of justice. For a small fee, he works day and night to comb the beaches, cleaning up the scum and villainy that threaten to tear the vacation hotspot of Catalina apart. He’s tough as nails and smooth as an evening tide. He’s Johnny Utah. Private Eye”







Johnny Utah was no ordinary PI though, he did his work undercover. Posing as a juvenile delinquent beach bum he worked in the very heart of the criminal world that he fought to tear down.







His only connections to the outside world were Sgt Pappas, Pappas’ dog Scoobie and of course the special dame in Johnny’s Life Lauren Tyler, the kind hearted surfer girls who ran the Point Break Seaside Cabana a juice bar for the tourists, surfers and scuba divers to get out of the sun and quench their thirst. Utah lived a life I only dreamed of! Surfing, lounging in the sun, and mixing with some of the most far out characters you could imagine. His life was spent on an island paradise! It never rained there…not like my life in Ohio. In Catalina, everything was perfect! And the best part was when he wasn’t living the life of a care-free surfer he was fighting crime always one step ahead of those dirt bags and ready to slug any hired goon or crime boss that threatened justice! On top of that busy schedule be even managed to make time for romance with his best girl Lauren…which was okay I guess but personally I always thought that mushy stuff was for girls. Who needs it!







I managed to get my parents to put up the dough to buy me my very own membership in the “Point Break Beach Squad” a sort of fan club for the show. It came with a Catalina surf club membership card, a Johnny Utah button and best of all a Private Eye NotePad! You could write secret messages on it and it would still look like a blank piece of paper, but hold it under sunshine (or a handy lamp) and then turn out the lights and the writing glowed in the dark! Perfect for late night patrol! I used to try solving crimes all around my neighborhood and at school. I was brave! I was tough! I irritated the heck out of everybody! All in an effort to be like my hero.

My all time favorite episode revolved around a band of bank robbers all disguised in the masks of US presidents, Hoover, Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower. They lived a life of crime but enjoyed every minute of it. With their ill gotten gains, they paid for a life of endless adventure! Surfing, rock and roll, clam bakes, the whole she-bang! Johnny became their friend, he went to the clam bakes, became one of them and then when the time was right he struck and brought them down. It was the most!







Looking back I truly believe that Point Break, helped to shape the person I became. Without that show to inspire my youthful imagination I might have never became the fee-wheeling playboy, investigative journalist I am today! It gave me confidence, courage and a sense of adventure and now, it gives me some wonderful memories…to think about on a rainy day.

Build...A Bear!!!

Friends, fiends, creatures of the night. As I transcribe this latest terrible tome from the realm of the Claymation Werewolf, I walk amongst…humans. Driven by the bite in the air of the approach of winter…gloomy skies, cold wind and of course Creepmas! Unfortunately I have ended up at a marketplace of sorts…what is known in common parlance as an outdoor shopping mall. Though this might not be my usual “haunt” I look at it with a sense of optimism entirely inappropriate for my personality. I might at the very least enjoy myself…feel the spirit in the air, see the shops decked out in their Creepmas best and visit Yankee Candle. Of course I might even… pick something up for…dinner, possibly a clerk at Yankee Candle! They always smell so good!






Everything has seemed pretty run of the mill so far; the candle store is selling “festive scented candles”, the gourmet market is selling “festive snacks”, the lingerie store is selling “festive g-strings”. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about. It’s enough to make any self respecting monster give up hope in the cattle…I mean, give up hope in humanity! But then I spot it from across the quaint cobblestone street of this “shopping village”. Something that brings a chill to my blood and invigorates my hope in human horror. There hastily scrawled on a sign are the words Build-A-Bear Workshop!! Could it be? Has humanity at long last embraced the forgotten craft of mad science? Immediately my dark heart is filled with dreams I thought long forgotten! Dreams of genetic splicing! And crimes against nature!




Like any good roving reporter I felt it was my duty to investigate (Plus building bears? That’s just awesome). So I made my way across the street to the facility in question and to my delight there was an enormous line! To make things better…most of the would-be scientists were children. Children ready to twist the elements of nature to their own insane visions! Who says there is no hope for the future of humanity? When I finally got into the building I see some adults and several children standing dutifully in line clutching what appear to be the empty dead husks of animals waiting for life to be unnaturally breathed into them! And yes! Behind them are entire racks of limp and lifeless animal shells of not only bears but dogs, cats and several other creatures. There are even articles of clothing, shoes and accessories though all of that seems a little bit…excessive.




All of this looks great but as I walk into the facilities I witness the apex…nay…the very nerve center of this operation. A massive tank swirling with muscle tissue, organs and in general all the innards that you could want to fill out your average lifeless husk. The body is crudely fastened to the machine and is filled with the gruesome stew… after the “stuffing” is complete each customer is allowed to activate a living heart and place it into the monster. The monster then comes gloriously to life and is immediately caged and taken away by its new master!

Awash with pride and curiosity I soon found my place in line. Ready to create my own bear. Prepared to take a step into a world that was finally ready for my unique views on science, on death and on ultimate power. I am now only moments away and I realize how every great villain has felt when they stood on the precipice of a culture that was finally willing to move forward. To the dark and wonderful future that it was capable of! It is INDEED a Merry Creepmas!





…

Upon further examination the bears are in fact material for making custom plush animals and are not the twisted results of man’s quest to meddle in a world they should have never trespassed on. It’s just a novelty shop for kids…I apologize.

Strength of the Bear!

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

          As a special treat to all of the Coo-Coo Cola Cult members out there. Tonight we bring you a living legend, one of the most famous animated peace officers of the 1980’s. I have been invited on a “Mosey Along” with none other than Marshall Bravestarr and his deputy 30/30 of the Intergalactic Marshalls Office. Almost nothing has been known about life on New Texas in the years since the Bravestarr reality show stopped airing. We now have a once in a lifetime opportunity to get updated news from this dangerous and exiting world.

3:00pm: Fort Keriumburg (Lower east side.) …

          I met up with the Marshal and his ever loyal deputy at the small apartment they shared on the east side of Fort Kerriumburg . Though the Marshall had left the limelight behind to focus full time on the noble job of cleaning up New Texas, I was curious as to whether they still had their old flashy style, I asked 30/30 for a demonstration of his famous upright horse, to trusty steed transformation.

          I stood back as the famous robo man-horse prepared to activate, and the whole thing took only a moment. It began with Marshall Bravestarr flicking the living room light on and off really fast while 30/30 strapped a saddle to his back. He then completed his transformation by bending over and getting on all fours. He threw his mane back and whinnied. Marshal Bravestarr proceeded to climb on his back and ride around on him. This always more impressive on TV. In reality it was impractical and even a little embarrassing but as we all know show business does tend to glamorize things.

          “Deputy Fuzz was part of an Intergalactic Affirmative Action Program. He was let go during reforms when it was revealed that he was never actually qualified to be a deputy in the first place. Since then it’s been just me and my BIG partner.” The Marshall and his deputy looked into each others eyes for several seconds and seemed to forget I was there. I cleared my throat and Bravestarr seemed to again become aware of his surroundings, he shook his head and continued to speak.

          “So you were asking about what happened to some of the folks from the show?” I hadn’t been… “well lemme see here. Ol’ Stampede was elected to senate based mostly on the fact that he was purely and irredeemably evil. So fer he’s been re-elected three times! Some of the others weren’t so lucky… All them years of breathing dirt and blowing clouds of dust caught up with Sandstorm, he died of silicosis about ten years ago. Sure was a shame…I used to love poundin’ on Sandstorm! Scuzz-Ball was clubbed to death by tobacco protesters since he was the only person on the planet who actually smoked. And as fer as Cactus head,” He chuckled, “You can see that has found a way to make himself a lot more useful nowadays.” The Marshall’s mailbox, which I had at first taken to be normal, was upon further inspection the grizzly twisted remains of the comic relief spy robot. I barely contained the bile that rose inside me, but I calmed myself with the thought that Bravestarr must have had a very good reason for such a savage act.

5:55pm: Intersection of ElectroElm St. and Galactic-Glenn Rd…

While stopped at a traffic techno-light Marshall Bravestarr spotted his old nemesis Tex Hex, or at least he claimed that he did, I do not have the Marshall’s power of hawk sight, but I couldn‘t see anything. He did not miss a beat in his reaction, with a mighty yell of “Speed of the Puma” he leapt from the back of his partner and began running, (at amazingly normal speed) into the darkness, several times he would changed direction, spin and then perform a flying tackle at nothing in particular. Afterward getting up, dusting himself off and starting the entire process over.

6:45pm:

          “Why did I decide to be a lawman? Well I reckon it was to help people, you know give a little something back. See I had amnesia and couldn’t remember anything from my childhood, at least in some of the episodes, so I always felt like I had a greater purpose, and that purpose was to fight evil. And it went pretty good for quite a while, I had respect, great pay, all the free Sweetwater I could drink and I scored tail like you would not believe. Then things started to changing…”

          “After the prairie folk sold the mines and moved to that sex resort planet Risa, this place started falling apart real fast. Then for no reason they took away Judge JB’s judgly-ness just cuzz she happened to take part in the arrests of almost all the criminals she convicted…well that just rubbed me the wrong way. What’n the jeckfire is judicial bias anyway? Evil Tex Hex and his crew pretty much run everything now even the local government and the Kerium Mines… Who would ever have imagined that a giant multi-planet mining conglomerate could be turned into a greedy ugly thing.. Yeah they have their fingers in just about everything round these parts, now all you ever hear from the mayors office is the same dern thing.” The Marshall begins using a comically high pitched voice. “Bravestarr you don’t work for us anymore! That was 15 years ago! We have a real police department now…” “Ha! Real police department, with that sorry excuse for a chief of police, lousy pig!”

          The chief of police was in fact Hog-Tie the civil war suited Pig-man, but the insult still seemed inappropriate.

7:30pm: Local eating establishment Cyber Donut…

          “Thank you for stopping at Cyber Donut can I take take your order?

          I immediately recognized the face and especially the voice of the clerk behind the counter, it was none of than the evil stuttering robot Thunderstick. Bravestarr clenched his fist and pounded it on the table.

          “I don’t know what kind of scheme your running, hanging out in this diner but I’m a aim’in to find out!… And when I do, yer gonna be in one heap-a trouble Thunderstick.”

          “Mr. Bravestarr we’ve gone gone over this already, you come in here here every night! I work at the Cyber Donut Donut..”

          “Strength of the bear bear bear!!!!” Shouted the marshal as he dove over the counter taking a swing at the robot, and succeeding only in knocking the chefs hat off of his head. It took two clerks and the manager of the diner to restrain the Marshall and remove him from the premises.

7:35pm:

          After leaving the scene at the Donut shop we wandered across the street to what ended up being a strip club. The place was called the “Desert Bush” and it was one of the seediest places I had ever seen. Clearly the Marshall would have no trouble round up some ne’r do wells here. Surprisingly he chose a table near the stage and began watching the act, quietly mumbling “Eyes of the hawk, ahhhhh yeah! Eyes of the muthafuckin’ hawk.” Though Bravestarr wasn’t looking around the place I had already begun to and once my eyes started becoming accustom to the light I was amazed by what I saw. The place was a veritable Bravestarr cast reunion. Behind the bar was Handlebarr who had apparently closed his saloon and gotten a job at this dive. He had also started wearing normal clothing, and serving actual alcohol. I turned back to ask the Marshall about the famous bartender, when I noticed who was on the stage. Vipra and JB were engaged in a performance more entertaining than even the best episodes of Bravestarr. It seemed as if the two beautiful women had long ago set aside any differences they once had, and appeared that they were getting along extremely well now. I won’t go into the details of the show, or who we did or didn’t get lap dances from but I will say that, I was very lucky to have just been paid. And as far as everyone’s favorite red-headed judge goes…the carpet definitely matches the drapes.

10:00pm: the hood…

          We found ourselves in a very sketchy area of town and pulled up in front of an apartment building. There was a faint light shining through the boards on the windows, but that was the only sign that anyone might be living there. Bravestarr climbed off 30/30 looked around nervously and leaning in, began to whisper.

          “We’re gonna have to leave you out here for a minute, gotta go see the uh…Shaman, you know with the sacred flame and all that? Gonna get something to help me re-connect with the spirit animals, know what I’m saying buddy? Heh heh.” The final statement was punctuated with a harder than necessary elbow to my ribs. Sometime later after a dazed Marshal and Deputy returned from their apparent vision quest we were on our way. After a few minutes the song “more than a feeling” came on the radio (a radio that was tied around 30/30’s neck), and Bravestarr’s eyes lit up. Out of nowhere he shouted “Ears of the Wolf!!!!!!” then he said “What’s that?” and pointed randomly to the right….at the same time he smoothly reached down and turned up the volume on the radio. The next hour was filled with me staring bored into the darkness while the Marshal and his deputy swayed and bobbed their heads to a never-ending stream of 80’s power ballads.

12:00am somewhere on the edge of town…

          Bravestarr’s mellow mood has worn off and he appears to be growing more and more paranoid. A strange expression appears on his face and he begins to speak very fast.

          “Well pardners today I reckon we learned that while throw rugs might look scary no goat I ever heard of could climb a greased pole. THEY COULD NEVER CLIMB THAT GREASED POLE!!!! HAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” He then ran into a local shop, followed by banging, crashing and several loud screams

          The last time I saw the Marshall he was repeatedly shouting Strength of the Bear! While attempting to head butt two members of the Fort Kerriumburg Police Department, who were taking him to their patrol hover-car.

          No doubt our favorite Marshall was off to some new and amazing adventure. And we can all rest-assured citizens, that even if we might never notice it, there is a man named Bravestarr somewhere out there watching us, always watching us. And while his body may have the strength of the bear, his heart, yes the Marshal’s heart is even stronger.

Old-fashioned Christmas of the future

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

        Seasons greetings Coo-Coo Cola cult members! In our first of a series of recently discovered News Reels, allow me to present a transcription of one that’s especially suitable for this time of year! I now bring you “An Eternian Christmas”!

        Dateline 4400. Eternia. It’s that time of year once again and all of country has began to busy itself with preparations for a real old-fashioned Eternian Christmas. Now let’s take a look at how Citizens across the country are preparing for this very special holiday season.

        In the Shadow Swamps of the Southern Bog Lands, the annual harvest of the Christmas Flash Bushes have already begun and word is we’ve got a bumper crop this year! Our hardy crew of Moss Men Workers have been pulling double shifts selecting only the finest bushes and very few Moss Men have been eaten this year! Oops, spoke too soon! heh heh! Remember boys, it’s important to distinguish the difference between the festive Flash Bush and the man-eating Tarkroot Vine.

        In the Western Desert Lands where the ravages of war rage on, our fighting men, women and monsters... and robots, are helping to keep all of us free to live as we always have. So when your decorating your cozy monster-shaped and/or skeleton-shaped house this year, be sure to remember our boys "over there". Many have continued the tradition of Christmas care packages for the troops and the Eternian soldiers always appreciate a little bit of home, so the ESO is currently requesting Boiled Nighthawk Talons, Biono-Cigars, and of course, Gummy Blardz. Be sure to send our boys some Christmas Presents. As for us, our Christmas wish is that our troops send old Skeletor a "present" of his own!

        Speaking of the ESO, let’s stop in on the annual Christmas concert and this year’s show was a real hum-dinger! It opened with an address to the troops from Gen. Duncan Manatarms. But no worries this time boys! The big cheese wasn’t conducting a surprise inspection! It was all about Peace and Goodwill. He wished everyone and their families the Merriest of Christmases and even promised all the hardworking troops an extra helping of roasted jungle root from the mess hall. Hahaha. Well, so much for goodwill!

        After the official season’s greetings from the military brass, the real show began. The performance opened with the comic stylings of those two court jesters; Orko and RamMan. And were they ever in rare form! After a few new gags, they knocked the crowd dead with their famous "Which Mutant?" routine. You can bet that those two jokesters are headed for big, big things! In fact, they will be hitting the pewter screen next year in their first film "Orko and RamMan meet the Mer-Man". And last, but certainly not least, bringing her own special brand of *ahem* appeal to the festivities, was that super starlet Teela Manatarms. Teela performed several swell numbers, and was more lovely than the picture of her painted on the nose of a Wind Raider. Her show-stopping routine brought all our boys in armor to their feet! You can bet that there were more than a few cat-calls from the half-man half-panthers in the audience when this kitten hit the stage!

        And finally the star on the top of this Christmas tree, an address by our very own kindly ruler Prince Adam! Or should we say San-tor Clause himself! Yes, the prince arrived at the Eternian Capital to bring good tidings to the adoring public. But, it didn’t stop there. Our St. Nick really got into the act, delivering 20 Attack Tracks full of presents and food to the local needy. I don’t mind telling you there was a lot of Christmas spirit in the air that day. Although Prince Adam played the part beautifully, there was no mistaking our mild-mannered monarch. He thinks that just by dawning a disguise that amounts to little more than changing clothes, he can pull the wool over our eyes. Well nothing doing! We Eternians are a little bit sharper than that. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool us!

        There was no word as to where He-man was during the Prince’s presentation, but hopefully he was around somewhere to protect our Prince. After all, while he may be a great and giving ruler word has it that his battle training has not gone as well as it could be.

        So now we say goodbye to another Eternian Christmas. And though it will be another 413 days for the holidays to roll around again, before you know it we’ll all be building bionic snow monsters in the yard and lighting our Flash Bushes once again.

        Until then my friends, from all of us to all of you, keep Christmas in your heart all the year long. Have a Merry Christmas and a very happy 4401!

Star Bringing Yorbel - Part 1

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

          Lately everyone has been all a twitter about the new Toy Story film, and Disney has done everything short of carpet bombing all of us with promotional merchandise. While all of this advertising sends most people to the local movie house, it sends me back in time, to a happier and simpler place, the world of Mira Nova. But wait, before I begin to reminisce I feel duty bound to remind you of something from long ago. Something that has since become hated, and then forgotten by our culture. They called books. In short books were something that people “read” in the days before anybody had anything that was at all fulfilling to do. The hours wasted on this meaningless hobby represent a painful time in our countries history, and almost single-handedly brought down western civilization.

          Now that I have the unpleasantness out of the way I would like to highlight something that was, although briefly, a bright spot in the world of books…The “Stars Command” series from Karol H. Laminton and her character Mira Nova, who together took the world by storm.

          In the early nineties the “house of mouse” had just come away from some major box office hits, and had re asserted itself as the dominate force in animated films. However, the creative well that had produced such hits as The Little Mermaid, The Lion king and Aladdin had begun to run dry. Like many movie studios, the folks at Disney decided that rather than simply trying harder or being more creative…they would buy other people‘s ideas. Disney had major success bringing the Roger Rabbit books to life even though the original book “Who Censored Roger Rabbit” had a distinctly “adult” focus. Hoping for a box office repeat they focused there sights on The Mira Nova book series by Karol H. Laminton. In an effort to develop a vehicle for the two dimensional character Buzz Lightyear they set their writers with the task of adapting the Violent and sexually charged supernatural series.

          The story began simply enough, a slightly cheesy but action packed first novel called, of course, “Stars Command.” It contained all of the elements of a good space, action, romance, supernatural cop drama that anyone could ever want. Some of the plot points happen, by coincidence (and nothing more!) to appear in many other famous books and movies. In an even stranger coincidense most (all) of them were actually written before Carol Laminton even began writing.

          Her first book gave us what looked to be a very promising foundation for a long running series A galactic federation with a large bustling headquarters on the brink of a major peace treaty, and a new senate leader, elected but shadowed in controversy. Governor Zurg of the C-Crit Lheavily star system, rose to power through the mysterious disappearance of everyone who opposed him. The rise of Zurg as an Evil Emperor was so obviously telegraphed by the author, he might as well have ran under the slogan “Vote for Zurg: Fools! I will Destroy You All!”

          We are also finally introduced to Mira Nova, whose family is killed in a coup during an official visit to the federation headquarters. She is rescued by a young captain of the guard named Ty Parsec and his cyborg pilot who were leaving on a transport mission to a prison planet. The ship is shot down and falls back into the heart of the war, and the four soon find themselves working together in a fight to escape the madness of the civil war.

          It turned out that Mira was a princess from the planet Tangea and trained in the ancient ways of the tangea nobles. She has lived a life of luxury but also seclusion, and now all of that has come to an end. Without a family or a home planet to return to Mira stays with her new found allies and begins to train night and day in the ways of combat. Soon Ty Parsec and the surviving members of the federation that were not among the traitors, form an alliance of there own. Mira is named an official officer in the new Stars Command and we get to know a little more about her unique team. Mira who possesses the power to not only phase through objects or, “ghost,” but also to read minds by “Phasing” her fingers into her victims’ skull. Her second in command and closest comrade is former guard captain Ty Parsec, a brooding and pale student of the dark arts. Bustre Sinclair a stone “elemental” of enormous size and strength who had been court-martialed and was actually the prisoner on Ty’s ship at the time of the coup. Bustre is a loyal soldier but also possesses an almost uncontrollable rage which led to the death of two of his training officers. And finally X-R, a monstrous creation of Stars command, a part alien part machine cyborg, who in addition to high tech weaponry possesses nearly unlimited flight tech knowledge.

          Stars Command soon joined with the remaining planets to form a strong resistance against the Zurg and his empire. Some normality of life began to return to the people of Stars Command allowing more character development. While Mira Nova formed a strong team bond with her squad, the life that she lived and the loss that she suffered had made her a very distance person. She lives with the single minded purpose of bring down Zurg and all who stand with him.

          The story ends as Ty and Mira are sitting on the hood of a starship looking into the vastness of space. Mira actually begins to talk about her life, telling stories about her childhood and the pressures of growing up as royalty but withdrawls before revealing to much. For his part, Ty discovers a purpose of his own, to break down the walls that surroud Mira and to truly get to know the mysterious woman that has come into his life.

          While panned by some critics, “Stars Command” Became an almost instant cult favorite and a hardcore fan base soon started demanding a sequal. Luckily one was following very close behind. In april of 1997 “Stars Obey” hit the shelves. The story follows a couple of years after the close of the first book ended, and Mira and Ty have become romantically involved. Mira has developed more of a personality and the team has grown into an amazing military unit. Ty’s magic training has continued and he has become increasingly focused on developing more power. As the love between the two grows, they are constantly trying to save each other from there obsessions.

          Zurg has been kept isolated by the rest of the galaxy and there has been an erie absence of communication. Little activity has taken place for over a year aside from small border skirmishes. It soon becomes clear that the empire is planning something terrible. The Ranger Squad led by Mira Nova is sent into the heart of the Empire to find out why. Using there specialized skill they infiltrate the inner circle of Zurg who now in book two has completed his transformation from evil intimidating cruel murderer to evil helmet and cape wearing weirdo. The focus of the rest of the novel revolves around what the team discovers. Through magic and science Zurg had awoken an evil far greater than himself, the character NOS 4-A2 was to become one of the most chilling characters in science fiction history. At once a emotionless robot and a ruthless vampiric killing machine needing not only blood but constant sources of electricity and computer information to survive NOS 4-A2 destroys everything in it’s path. Upon it’s “birth” the vampire violently kills several of Zurg’s own guards including the scientists that brought the creature to life. Zurg himself is barely able to seal off the room before being attacked, unfortunately the rangers were still trapped inside. The combined power of the team was not nearly enough to defeat the incredible evil that Zurg unleashed and the Rangers barely escape. X-R is left a bloody and mangled mess by the creature and is kept alive just long enough to get back to a Stars Command Hospital. As the story comes to a close, all of Stars Command is reeling with the most recent developments and are scrambling to decide what to do about the monster. X-R is pulled back from deaths door at the last minute and has began to recover though it soon becomes apparent that everything is not allright with the cyborg warrior.

          Before the book ends Mira and Ty take there relationship to the next level and “Phase” by putting her fingertips into the mind of Ty they are able to share ever memory and experience they have ever had with each other, because of the nature of the tangean people and the power that Ty has been able to amass this “Phasing” does not go according to tradition and both of them experience an incredible “power up” and are bathed in a blue light and swirling winds. Just what the fan-girl ordered.

 ...Continued in the Next Exiting Issue!

Stars Bringing Purple! - Part 2

 A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!



          By now Karol H. Laminton had started to feel the effects of her own popularity. She fell more and more in love with the mythology that she had created. The book signings and speaking engagements she participated in, exposed her directly to her rabid fan base and they all wanted more. Not just more books but more of what they love in the books. More magic, more fantasy violence and more sex. Book Three “Stars fall” Picked up immediately from the second book and gave the people what they wanted. X-R had completed his metymorphosis into a vampire and throughout the book is constantly torn between the loyalty to his team and obedience to his dark master NOS4 A2. Unable to deal with the constant temptation to feed that his team mates represent he is forced to leave star command, and soon travels to the side of his dark creator.

          Ty and Mira seem to develop a new power in every chapter of this book. Mira can now fly and communicate with any alien species, and Ty can kill with just a touch. Because of the incredibly power that the phasing has allotted her, Mira begins to phase, and phase a lot! She phases with Ty, she phases with the team leader of a rival squadron, she phases with an entire team of new recruits. The more people she phases with the more power she gets and the more explicit Laminton writes the phasing scenes. Near the climax of the book she phases with two men and a woman at the same time in a very very detailed chapter. By the end of the book she has phased with dozens of people. She also had sex with several of them. No longer the reclusive royal being she began her written life as, Mira has blossomed into a willfull, powerfull and commanding character. She is also written with larger breasts and much tighter clothes.

          Before the end of the book it is revealed that the forces of NOS 4 A2 have formed an uneasy alliance with the Empire of Zurg and decided to take of Stars Command once and for all and they planned to turn Commander Nebula into one of his undead slave. Nebula is a hardened military leader who was first introduced into the book during this story arc but Laminton wrote as if we were supposed to know who he was the entire time. At the last second X-R comes to his senses and turns against his master barely stoping the attack in time. Nebula loses his leg in the battle that ensues but keeps his soul. X-Rs i brought back into the fold of stars command. The ever present connection he has to NOS 4 A-2 still haunts him and many in stars command question his presence among the ranks. This would be a common theme throught the rest of the series.

          “Stars like to Watch” the next in the series takes a huge departure from the tone of the other books. Taking place during a stakeout at a remote Empire Base it seems to serve entirely to develop the characters and create dramatic situations. Apparently the immediate doom represented by the strengthening of Zurg and the rise of NOS 4A2 can wait Bustre’s character is finally given development and Mira develops a special bond with him. Connecting with his rage from the pain and revenge in her own heart in a scene that reaches a depth never seen in a Stars Command book before, and rarely even in literature in general Bustre and Mira have hot hot space sex.

          The Darkside Rangers as they call themselves all of a sudden, are now a larger team. New to the series are the characters Petra Hamerhold who can make any scene hot through the magma that constantly runs through her veins. She is described as a “lover of women” and has arguably the most impressive and hardest to control power of the team. Also joing the crew is Warp Darkmatter, an adrenaline junky who had his arm replaced following a reckless training accident and took to the liberty of having the doctors add a few other “improvements.” Sometimes he presents as much of a danger to his own team as he does to the enemy. While there was some action and about two dozen more powers given to Mira (She now has the ability to create temporary clones of herself and “zip” from one place to another in the blink of an eye,) this book is mainly about sex. In fact there is one pretty jaw dropping scene involving Ty, Petra, Mira and about 4 of her clones. The entire book borders on the pornographic and is more campy than any of it’s predesesors. The powers and the characters become increasingly exaggerated and the plot situations are so contrived that at times they become laugh at loud funny. By the end of it the book gets so weird that you halfway expect Ty to get turned into a werewolf.

          In the following book “Stars by moonlight” Ty is bitten by NOS 4 A-2 during a battle on a radioactive moon and is turned into a werewolf. From there the book gets really weird. Mira’s skin turns blue as the result of a power-up, Warp Darkmatter becomes a bad guy and XR’s brother is recruited by Zurg and turned into an evil cyborg replicate. There really isn’t much more to further the plot, just a lot of wacky character hijinks. You have to keep in mind that at this point in her career Karol H. Laminton had become one of her own uberfans she was appearing with her skin “Mira blue” and wearing a dark side ranger uniform to book signings and conventions. She had started to make journalists and even friends and family refer to her as Commander Laminton.

          Her fan-base has stayed fiercly loyal throughout all of the books since. There was “Stars Scream” in which X-R is dramatically altered by Stars Command scientists and given the ability to transform into a jet. And of course “Stars Dust” when the team has to travel back in time to the 1970’s to protect the glam rock star who’s decendant will eventually found Stars Command. And on it goes, The 11th book in the Stars Command Series is due out this fall and you can bet that somewhere “Comander Laminton” is sitting on her basement floor playing with her Stars Command dolls and getting inspiration for her next underground hit. Who knows what adventures await our heroes, will they be transported to the “Real World?” Will characters switch bodies? Will they get a talking dog? No one can know for sure.

          To try to avoid any embarassment for its watered down “Buzz Lightyear” franshise, Disney has done its best to keep the public in the dark about these literary treasures. Therefore, unless you have a really good local bookstore or happen to attend a Stars Command Convention these books can be pretty scarce. Despite all of that, I have to recommend to all of the Coo Coo Cola Cult members out there that you go find yourself a copy of one of the earlier Mira novels. While I enjoy gratuitous sex and violence as much as the next guy (or much much more) the later books arent for everyone. The plots are nothing short of wacky and the characters become so goofy and embarrassing that they might as well be in some childrens show. Oh wait. They are.

The Fearsome Five Revealed!

First posted as a Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

Later posted on June 15th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          I often receive letters from loyal coo-coo cola cult members asking

“CMW, how do you obtain such insight? So many behind the scenes observations on the characters we remember and love?”

          The rest of the letters we get can be pretty insulting so I’m going to focus on these. In short, I have spent a large portion of my professional life serving on the front lines of Gen-Y toons, actually living among these characters in the own worlds!

          To give my readers a better idea of what I mean I have decided to share the details of one assignment that has recently become de-classified. The two years I spent in Saint Canard embedded with The Fearsome Five were some of the most exiting I ever experienced.

          In 1992, hoping to cash in on the recent wave of individual villains joining forces to create super villain teams, Nega Duck embarked on a highly aggressive recruiting campaign to bring together the most feared criminals in and around St. Canard. I had long awaited an opportunity to perform research within the Darkwing Duck universe, and as there was an open call for despicable characters, there was never a better chance. Under the guise of the cleverly named “Clone Wolf” I gained the trust of the super villain team using my Claymation powered abilities to makes copies of myself I proved my criminal value to the team.

          As with all other cartoons of the era, any evidence of my presence was removed before being presented to the public. I sacrificed the wealth, and prestige I would have inevitably gained so that I could continue to bring you the un-filtered non biased frontline reports you have come to expect from every issue of the Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest. While I may have removed myself from the full report, one thing that does shine through is the incredible depth of character in the Fearsome Five. While the five, as a whole may have seemed like a Bloodthirsty group riddled with in-fighting. Individually they were so much more.

          The Liquidator or as he is know to the rest of the group “Showbiz”, is actually the cruelest of the team. Camouflaging his casual disregard for life with his hilarious puns and “infomercial pitch man” personality. In addition there is no one better at whipping up a great hot cocoa at three in the morning when you just want to have a quite talk, or even a good cry.

          Bushroot, a botanical genius was an understated and often misunderstood member of the team. Only those who really knew him, ever appreciated his ability to turn a simple hobby like murder into an art form.

          My favorite member of this team was always Mr. Elmo Sputterspark. Megavolt was not just a desperate mouse filled with hatred, self doubt, and thousands of volts of electricity… He was a desperate mouse who would stop at nothing to provide top notch slapstick comedy much to the amusement of his friends.

          Some may have seen Nega-Duck’s constant willingness to stab his team members in the back as a lack of leadership skills, but it was just tough love. Trying to kill them may have been a little excessively tough but what can you do? Plus the guy has his own evil mirror universe…and you have to enter it through a giant “stripper cake”! Honestly. How could you possibly judge a guy who has his own magic stripper cake portal.

          And What can I say about Quacker-Jack. Seriously. LEGALLY what am I allowed to say about Quacker-Jack. Unfortunately the wacky jokester member of this team genuinely is a raving lunatic. Prone to random act of intense violence, he is seldom aware of his surroundings, his evil toys barely even obey him. The acts that this madman committed are the only parts of my research that I was never permitted to repeat. Suffice it to say Mr. Banana Man was Disney’s last minute replacement for the severed head that he was actually carrying around.

          The members of the Fearsome five are amazing villains with powers that have long been the envy of evil doers, not only within the realm of Disney but cartoons in general, reaching heights as far as the Justice League of America. More important than being great villains however, the fearsome five were great people…err, great ducks, dog and um.. a mouse, or possibly rat. Regardless the fearsome five are the type of guys you can really trust. Who you can always turn to when things are bad. The times we used to spend burning down orphanages, and torturing helpless people are times that I will never forget. I not only documented their story, I came to know each of them better than I had ever imagined.

          While some may see the events portrayed in “Just us Justice Ducks” as an amazing tale of adventure, and a heroes triumph against staggering odds. Being an insider of the story I can see it for what it truly was, the tragic tale of a team, full of potential and brought to destruction at the very height of it’s glory. Handed a physically and emotionally crushing defeat, with total success just within their reach.

          Many questions come to mind when you consider the members of the FF. Does Bushroot consider himself a member of the plant world, or just it’s protector? How is Megavolt able to be electrocuted, when he already harnesses the power of electricity? And why is QuackerJack chewing on my leg? We may never know the answers to these questions. Perhaps……we were never meant too.