I Can't Believe It's Not Christmas: The 7 Greatest Festively Fictional Holidays.

People come up to me on the street almost daily this time of year and it’s always the same old thing.
“Claymation Werewolf, I keep trying to go to Christmas parties and then, only after arriving, do I realize that the party is in fact actually for some fictional holiday that has no bearing on reality whatsoever!” “with everyone constantly using the code word HOLIDAY instead of Christmas, how can I possibly distinguish all these different celebrations. I want to get my Christmas groove on CW! My Christmas groove!!”
My response is usually pretty standard. As I remove their clenched hands from the lapels of my overcoat (an overcoat I might add that is far to classy and expensive to be touched by the sorts of people you run into outside of private clubs) My answer is this: “I’m workin’ on it!”

Well friends, the work (and the wait) is finally over! As a public service to all you Yuletide rump-shakers out there I have created a sort of field guide that should allow you to easily sort out one December holiday from another. I’ll give a short background on the holiday in question as well as what you might expect to see in regards to the party (and party-goers) associated with it.

*Note* I will not be discussing “Festivus” so all you hardcore Seinfeld fans can go ahead and add this blog to this year’s airing of grievances. = )

Life Day:
(Origin: Star Wars Episode   “The Holiday Special”

Apparently beginning as a fake Thanksgiving this geek holiday was quickly transformed into a fake Christmas, and over the years has become probably one of the most famous Wookie holidays on the Wookie calendar.

Background: Celebrated every three years on the planet of Kashyyyk, Life Day celebrates life. The various and plentiful forms of life on the Wookie Planet itself as well as the lives of Wookies who have fallen that year. Also, the new lives that have been brought into the world (they sort of shoe-horn a lot of things in here…) Wookies gather at the Great Tree Of Life, arriving from all over the galaxy to exchange gifts and sing traditional Wookie life day carols. On Life Day it is also traditional to enjoy the musical stylings of the late great Beau Arthur and to produce and air animated shorts. Little is known about the origins of these two traditions but they add, in their own way, to the rich cultural significance of Life Day.

If you are invited to a Life Day party, there is a very strong chance that you are on the planet of Kashyyyk there is also a chance however that you are in the midst of HARDCORE Star Wars fans. Either way you will find yourself in an extremely uncomfortable situation with strange hairy beings using unintelligible grunting instead of speech. Your surroundings will be very alien and incomparable to those you might experience among “humans.“

The red robes however are stunning and people should really be listening to Beau Arthur music and producing animated shorts anyway so, it’s not all bad!

Hogs Watch
Origin: “The Hog Father” by Terry Pratchett  

Hogs Watch is very difficult to distinguish from Christmas itself. There are traditional treats; cakes candies etc… Hogs Watch carols and of course a jolly toymaker who flies through the world, going down chimneys and delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.

The differences of course being that The Hog Father is a pig like being transformed from an ancient god of death and renewal who lives in a palace made of bones, who’s sleigh is pulled by four terrifying wild boars and who leaves the bad children bags of bloody bones.
If you stumble upon a Hogs Watch party try to go with the flow. It really is a beautiful holiday and the similarities with Christmas should make adapting to it fairly easy. A few helpful hints however will make your Hogs Watch, one to remember!

-Hogs Watch is December 32nd. So mark your calendars accordingly!
-Remember to leave out ALCOHOL (not milk!) as a worktime treat for the Hog Father and don’t forget turnips for his boars!
-… This man

Mr. Teatime (Pronounced: Teah tahmei) is NOT part of the traditional Hogs Watch celebration. He is in fact a extremely sociopathic member of the assassin’s guild. He has been hired to Kill the Hog Father (something he’s given a lot of thought to) He would kill you and anyone else around him that he doesn’t have any use for at the time. Do not approach him regardless of how much he sounds like Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka!
-Have fun! Hogs Watch is only once a year!

Yak Shaving Day
Origin: The Renn and Stimpy Show

Yak Shaving day is one of the most unique holidays on our calendar. Incorporating a series of seemingly nonsensical activities it can be a little hard to follow for those who have never been introduced to the customs.

On Yaksmas Eve, the Gilded Yak travels the world rewarding all of the good kids with gifts.
Other Yak Shaving Day traditions including hanging diapers on the wall and filling your uncle’s boot with coleslaw. You also set out shaving implements around your sink in the hopes that the Great Gilded Yak will find your sink the most sincere sink of all and have himself in it. Waking on Yak Shaving Day morning to a shink full of Yak Shaving Scum is the greatest Yak Shaving Day gift of all.

If you have arrived at a Yak Shaving Day Party than you are probably a John Kricfalusi cartoon character in which case you’ve got much bigger problems than deciding what party to attend. At any rate Yak Shaving Day can be a lot of fun especially if you enjoy bizarre and somewhat disgusting holiday traditions (and who doesn’t) As an added bonus you might consider dressing like Stinky Wizzleteats and arriving at the party behind the wheel of a souped up sausage cart. A good time will be had by all.

The Gratitude Festival
Origin: Star Trek Deep Space Nine

The Bajoran Gratitude festival is strange and mysterious even by the standards set on this list. While it is hundreds of years old very few people can tell you exactly what is involved. Through in-depth research here are some things that we have learned.

During the Bajoran Gratitude Festival, your troubles or “grievances” are written on papers (a tradition borrowed from festivus) and the papers are burned signifying you leaving your troubles behind (also, signifying a love of fire) to continue the merry pyromania, bateret leaves are also burned. This doesn’t signify anything at all, bateret leaves just burn real good.
They also get around to celebrating gratitude as everyone stands around being thankful after they burn stuff.

Only the bravest souls would dare stay in attendance at a Bajoran Gratitude Festival. The celebration relies so heavily on darkness, strange laser lights and smoky, smoky rooms, the holiday is really best summed up by the Three Dog Night song “Mamma Told Me Not To Come.” Light up those leaves and rolled up paper! And if you do decide to stay however make sure you always remember to pass the “gratitude!” Nobody likes a Bajoran Bogart man!!

Hearths Warming Eve
Origin: My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic

Hearths Warming Eve revolves almost exclusively around the pageant. The play itself tells the story of the founding of Equestria as the vastly different groups The Earth Ponies, The Unicorns and The Pegasus’s learned to finally start working together in friendship.

As legend tells it, disharmony between the various pony groups summoned Wendeegos and caused the land of the Ponies to descend into cold and famine. Leaders of the three tribes journey to find land which can provide them with food and warmth. Their continued fighting on the journey eventually causes another attack by the wend egos and soon the three become litterally frozen. To try and keep warm, the three begin to talk abd laugh and eventually to sing. The harmony of their singing chases the windeegos away and eventually brings the three leaders and eventually the three groups together. The carols created on that night are still sung today.

To celebrate Hearths Warming Eve you need a very large party. A solid group of friends to help you act out the pageant and a much much larger group to serve as the audience. You’ll experience the Joy of the season, the magic of friendship and the glory of the stage!! I never attend a Hearths Warming Eve party without putting on my full body Fluttershy costume.

It isn’t an actual tradition of the holiday. It’s just something I enjoy.

The Festival of the Bells
Origin: Fraggle Rock

In the winter Fraggle Rock begins to slow down (whatever that means) and the Fraggles hold what the call The Festival of the Bells, in which they ring bells and celebrate to awaken the bell at the heart of Fraggle Rock and make sure it keeps moving.

They pay homage to the traditions of the day by dressing as Weebabeast the former gaurdians of the Great Bell back in the first days of the rock.

Despite the fact that a Festival of the Bells party will mean that you’re in a room full of Muppets, it won’t necessarily be a good time. The Fraggles as a people have a tendency to get a bit on the “heavy” side. Do you have any relatives that are those especially preachy kind of hippies? Yeah. It’s kind of like that. The trick is to try to keep the room in the singy dancy Kermit arms flailing kind of Muppet mood and keep it low on the message. One good tip is to make sure to invite a heavy contingent of Dozers and Gorgs. Those guys are a blast!

Also, don’t bother going on a brave and foolhardy quest to the heart of Fraggle Rock to prove (or disprove) the existence of The Great bell…it isn’t there. The bell in the heart of Fraggle Rock is in the heart of all of us and yadda yadda yadda…
And in the end we all learned an important lesson. Right?

Refrigerator Day
Origin: Dinosaurs

Refrigerator day is really my kind of fake holiday. A day in honor of the storage and preservation of food is quite an idea. It’s creation allowed Dinosaurs to begin to set up permanent communities and no longer travel the world staying where good was plentiful and in-season.

This revolutionized Dinosaur society. In honor of the invention of the “keep it cold box” Dinosaurs celebrate with several time honored traditions.
Dinosaurs decorate their entire house for “fridge” day but pay special attention to the decoration of the Refrigerator itself. They exchange gifts, sing jolly Refrigerator Day carols to celebrate commercial products and have a Refrigerator Day feast, marking the end of the two day fast that leads up to the celebration. The center piece of the Refrigerator Day celebration is the annual pageant put on by each household where families revel in the warmth of the season by acting out the first Refrigerator day.

Refrigerator day is a family holiday and if you are invited to participate in the celebration you should consider yourself honored. Refrigerator is a day of peace, of spiritual contemplation and togetherness.

A triumph of the human (or dinosaur) spirit prevailing over hardships and finding the ability to discover such warmth during a holiday created to celebrate cold storage. A time to pay homage to the past, to appreciate what we have and to strengthen those bonds that hold us all together.
If you have a choice though, I’d skip the family party and head to the one at the department store. They have an orchestra and lasers!

And there you have it. I hope that this list will help you with your festive party planning this year. Maybe as a sort of cultural experimentation you can try to partake in the merryment of several of these parties after all this world won’t be hurt by all of us understanding each other just a little bit better. Just please, for the love of everything good in the world don’t accidentally stumble into a Fraggle Festival of the Bells in a My Little Pony costume! Those two groups absolutely HATE each other.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Build...A Bear!!!

Friends, fiends, creatures of the night. As I transcribe this latest terrible tome from the realm of the Claymation Werewolf, I walk amongst…humans. Driven by the bite in the air of the approach of winter…gloomy skies, cold wind and of course Creepmas! Unfortunately I have ended up at a marketplace of sorts…what is known in common parlance as an outdoor shopping mall. Though this might not be my usual “haunt” I look at it with a sense of optimism entirely inappropriate for my personality. I might at the very least enjoy myself…feel the spirit in the air, see the shops decked out in their Creepmas best and visit Yankee Candle. Of course I might even… pick something up for…dinner, possibly a clerk at Yankee Candle! They always smell so good!






Everything has seemed pretty run of the mill so far; the candle store is selling “festive scented candles”, the gourmet market is selling “festive snacks”, the lingerie store is selling “festive g-strings”. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about. It’s enough to make any self respecting monster give up hope in the cattle…I mean, give up hope in humanity! But then I spot it from across the quaint cobblestone street of this “shopping village”. Something that brings a chill to my blood and invigorates my hope in human horror. There hastily scrawled on a sign are the words Build-A-Bear Workshop!! Could it be? Has humanity at long last embraced the forgotten craft of mad science? Immediately my dark heart is filled with dreams I thought long forgotten! Dreams of genetic splicing! And crimes against nature!




Like any good roving reporter I felt it was my duty to investigate (Plus building bears? That’s just awesome). So I made my way across the street to the facility in question and to my delight there was an enormous line! To make things better…most of the would-be scientists were children. Children ready to twist the elements of nature to their own insane visions! Who says there is no hope for the future of humanity? When I finally got into the building I see some adults and several children standing dutifully in line clutching what appear to be the empty dead husks of animals waiting for life to be unnaturally breathed into them! And yes! Behind them are entire racks of limp and lifeless animal shells of not only bears but dogs, cats and several other creatures. There are even articles of clothing, shoes and accessories though all of that seems a little bit…excessive.




All of this looks great but as I walk into the facilities I witness the apex…nay…the very nerve center of this operation. A massive tank swirling with muscle tissue, organs and in general all the innards that you could want to fill out your average lifeless husk. The body is crudely fastened to the machine and is filled with the gruesome stew… after the “stuffing” is complete each customer is allowed to activate a living heart and place it into the monster. The monster then comes gloriously to life and is immediately caged and taken away by its new master!

Awash with pride and curiosity I soon found my place in line. Ready to create my own bear. Prepared to take a step into a world that was finally ready for my unique views on science, on death and on ultimate power. I am now only moments away and I realize how every great villain has felt when they stood on the precipice of a culture that was finally willing to move forward. To the dark and wonderful future that it was capable of! It is INDEED a Merry Creepmas!





…

Upon further examination the bears are in fact material for making custom plush animals and are not the twisted results of man’s quest to meddle in a world they should have never trespassed on. It’s just a novelty shop for kids…I apologize.

Help The Manchines of Eternia this Christmas!

First posted on December 14th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

Citizens of Toontown, fellow Retrotarians. I come to you today during this Christmas season with a personal plea. Recently one of my many connections in the Retro Pop Culture world re-introduced me to some wonderful characters. Characters that stood in the spotlight for one brief moment. Who shared the stage with some of the most influential actors in the history of cartoon entertainment.

Manchines by Christopher Tupa

The Manchines co-starred in the He-man and She-Ra Christmas special and were received with incredible fan-fair. Flush with the excitement of success, the offers started to roll in, and it seemed like the future opened wide. Unfortunately, dreams don’t always come true and their careers took a sharp downward turn. They landed a few endorsement deals, a few knock-off direct to dvd foreign produced cartoons but even that slowly began to fade. All the while they continued to hope for that starring role in an animated series of their own. They always held on to that dream and friends, that is where I hope that one of you can help.

As many children of the 80’s will agree, The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas special is largely, plodding and predicable holiday fair. Really, just another way for Adam and Adora to cash a paycheck …That is, until about halfway through the special when something happens. It’s just one of those little moments of movie magic that changed the history of cinema. It was, the introduction of the Manchines. The Manchines were unlike anything that existed in 80’s animation! They were cute! They were colorful! They were a group of individuals each of who had a distinct personality and special skill to contribute! They uh…they were part man…part machine… The Manchines weren’t just a totally original idea in the world of animation, they had real heart! And they even came with their own enemies; the giant and evil and stiffly-moving Monstroids! These metal giants could transform from uh…transform from robot to vehicle. Anyway, the Monstroids were bad, I mean these guys threatened and attacked Hordak. Hordak! And he was already a bad guy so the Monstroids were like super secret mega zord ultra hyper bad guys! They were like BAD guys!

So the Manchines are everywhere in this movie! Out in front saving the day, working behind the scenes moving and shaking, wheeling and dealing, kicking it…uh…kicking it old school… There are so many amazing characters, where can I begin! There is Cutter (not in the emo/goth way) who has lobster claws for hands that can turn into buzz saws and cut probably anything. There is Zipper “Dr Huxtable” Davis who is the adorable (and not at all hideous and unfortunate monster) robot body fused to a scooter go-kart type vehicle. I have a tendency to OCCASIONALLY make up the odd fact in this blog and I’m not entirely sure what the names of the rest of the crew are so I might take a few liberties with reality for a while.

So Thermostatie, Golf Teela, and Hubbie Capp charge in to battle to defend their friends and kick some ‘way bigger and more powerful than them’ butt! What follows is a confusing collage of robot violence! PisTom uses his head and his powerful thrusting action to smash a Monstroid to pieces! Then Blendergrip and Wenchie-Poo cause one of the most terrible Monstroid (Cobra BigBoots) to fall to his doom! I want to take a second to talk about this scene. More specifically I want to talk about the sad sad case of Wenchie-Poo. Now, Old Wenchie plays a huge role in killing this specific Monstroid but he does it by having Blendergrip unwind the cable in his chest and they use it to trip the Goliath. Now, this is all well and good but it is very difficult to picture another situation in which Wenchie-Poo could be very useful in battle. Wenchie has a spool of metal cable in his chest, some kind of weird handle thing coming out of the back of his head and a wide sturdy base. That’s it. No feet, no weapons, no apparent method of locomotion, just a cable coming out of his chest. These little guys really need your help people!


As the Manchines are basically slapping the Monstroids around, the Wonder twins (She-Ra and He-Man) even get into the act! They begin systematically tearing the Monstroids apart. Including once sweet move where He-Man tangled up one of the Monstroid’s arms, let’s call him TentaArms and the robot monster starts emitting sparks and then blows up.

At the end of the fight, the mighty Monstroids are reduced to a mangled pile of scrap metal. In this scene, The Masters of the Universe, gains the distinction of being the only animated Christmas special in which the heroes slaughter an entire race of beings.

With a resume like that, you might wonder how these courageous warriors could possibly be out of work but it's true. It was obvious at the time that STUDIONAME had every intention of giving these characters their own show, to fully capitalize on the entertainment and merchandising powerhouses they would surely become. Unfortunately, due to a contract dispute between the studio brass and the Masters of the Universe actors, He-Man, Man At Arms and all the rest went on strike. Not wanting to make waves in the industry that opened its arms to them, the Manchines walked out in sympathy. The studio came down hard eventually hiring the scab actors that would help in the production of The New Adventures of He-Man, and bringing about the end of the Classic MOTU characters’ careers. Sadly one of the casualties of this labor strife was the contract of the Manchines. Their dreams of stardom gone before they ever began.
But those dreams don’t have to be over, kind Retro Readers! Through some of my associates in the ranks of the Decepticons, I was able to secure 8 Manchines a job on the set of Transformers Prime. Today they happily serve as emergency pit crew to help repair the damaged Decepticons (and to a lesser extent, the Autobots) in between scenes to help the show transform and roll out with minimum delays. But why stop there? There are virtually hundreds of hard working, bright and nicely polished Manchines out there ready to do their best for Show-Biz! They could do great in the video game industry as retro console systems…they could be spare parts for KITT (HubbyCapp, and PisTom would be especially good for this kind of work…Michael) I could even send a crate of them to The Haunted Projectionist! I’m sure a couple of them are lights or maybe an old movie projector, I’m positive there was at least one popcorn machine in there somewhere.

So please help to spread the word and let’s get these robot creatures some work. Their time to shine is long overdue and these character deserve a TV show! Once they are working in every corner of the entertainment industry people will have to take notice. They will see the hidden gem that has been waiting all this time! They will finally give credit where credit is due, and for once in this cold and bitter world nice guys will finally finish first!…or the Manchines will kill us. They’ll kill us all.

A Very Mogwai Christmas: One Last Christmas In July Wish

First posted on August 2nd, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          I hope everyone out there in range of the Rotting Flesh Radio airwaves had a Morbidly Merry Christmas in July! I just wanted to take a moment to send one more fake Christmas post to bookend this special time of year…and what is Christmas without a little, tasteful commercialism! With that in mind, I bring you an advertisement for one of the most sought after gifts of 1984… The Mogwai!
 
 

          This Christmas if you really care…I mean if you care the least little bit about the people who do so much for you then you need to give them a gift they’ll remember all year! Not a pocket fisherman! Those fall apart…Not a smokeless Ash Tray, those don’t even work! And besides, that it really is just one more slap in the face to us smokers, isn’t it?! I mean really! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A RESTARAUNT! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN THE OFFICE! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A BAR!! I MEAN A FREAKING BAR!! AND NOW THEY DON’T WANT SMOKE TO COME OUR OF YOUR ASHTRAY? IT’S AN ASHTRAY!!! IT IS AN ASHTRAY! I MEAN WHAT’S NEXT? NO SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOME??? BETRAYING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE?? BANNING EVERYTH….um…ahem…I apologize for that.

          Anyway, this Christmas give the gift that will last and last…the gift that provides hours of entertainment; the gift that keeps on giving! Give the gift of the Mogwai!

          The Mogwai is a small adorable creature that is sure to make an impression on anyone who receives it! You might think that being a cute fuzzy, adorable talking kitten-rabbit-elf beast might be enough but you would be wrong…oh so terribly wrong. If simply being irresistibly adorable was enough; I could be purchased, wrapped in a ribbon and given away as a Christmas present but that, my friends, has rarely ever happened. No this little monster thing has more than a few tricks up its sleeves! The real secret behind the gift potential of the Mogwai comes in it’s ‘extra features!’

          You see, with a few secret unlock codes your simple country Mogwai can actually create more Mogwais, and not through some gross Mogwai mating or anything. No! Just like every important piece of technology, all you have to do is add water. We at Little Chinatown Shop Industries encourage you to create no more than 11 additional Mogwais per day! Any more than that will exceed the recommended fun limit!

          And speaking of fun; let’s chat for a bit about the most fun feature of all. Your Mogwai, can actually transform from a basic model, into an advanced Mogwai or, as the kids call it, a ‘Gremlin’ This Gremlin is just as cute as a normal Mogwai but scalier, greener, more sinister and with much sharper claws and teeth. You do lose a little bit in the fluffy category but trust me you wont have time to think about it! The highly desirable, and not at all disastrous to civilization Gremlin can be achieved with simple Mogwai food. Here is the trick: simply feed your Mogwai after midnight! And that’s it. Wait until the clock strikes twelve and throw some Mogwai chow into the cage! If for whatever stupid reason you don’t want the Mogwai to become a Gremlin, it is safe to once again feed your pet at…um….actually we haven’t quite worked that out yet. It turns into a Gremlin if you feed it after midnight, but we’re not really sure when “after midnight” ends. But who cares? Once you have an army of Gremlins unleashed on your town, your hands will be full! With wackiness!*

          Super advanced Mogwais such as Spider Mogwai, Genius Mogwai, Striped Mogwai, Electro Mogwai, Thunder-Punch Mogwai or Malibu Mogwai sold at an additional cost.

          So trust me this hypothetical holiday season. No gift exchange will be complete without the greatest gift of all, a Mogwai! Even if Christmas has always brought up bad memories of some ridiculous and terrible tragic event from the past…this Christmas will be different! This Christmas, the machinery of all of those negative feelings will be sabotaged once and for all. Sabotaged by Gremlins!

          And for a limited time, with the purchase of any Mogwai with Mogwai accessories you can also Sit Back, Relax, and ROT AWAY…and have a nice day!

          *Warning: Gremlins not compatible with dogs, movie theatres, or wheelchair stair lifts!

Old-fashioned Christmas of the future

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

        Seasons greetings Coo-Coo Cola cult members! In our first of a series of recently discovered News Reels, allow me to present a transcription of one that’s especially suitable for this time of year! I now bring you “An Eternian Christmas”!

        Dateline 4400. Eternia. It’s that time of year once again and all of country has began to busy itself with preparations for a real old-fashioned Eternian Christmas. Now let’s take a look at how Citizens across the country are preparing for this very special holiday season.

        In the Shadow Swamps of the Southern Bog Lands, the annual harvest of the Christmas Flash Bushes have already begun and word is we’ve got a bumper crop this year! Our hardy crew of Moss Men Workers have been pulling double shifts selecting only the finest bushes and very few Moss Men have been eaten this year! Oops, spoke too soon! heh heh! Remember boys, it’s important to distinguish the difference between the festive Flash Bush and the man-eating Tarkroot Vine.

        In the Western Desert Lands where the ravages of war rage on, our fighting men, women and monsters... and robots, are helping to keep all of us free to live as we always have. So when your decorating your cozy monster-shaped and/or skeleton-shaped house this year, be sure to remember our boys "over there". Many have continued the tradition of Christmas care packages for the troops and the Eternian soldiers always appreciate a little bit of home, so the ESO is currently requesting Boiled Nighthawk Talons, Biono-Cigars, and of course, Gummy Blardz. Be sure to send our boys some Christmas Presents. As for us, our Christmas wish is that our troops send old Skeletor a "present" of his own!

        Speaking of the ESO, let’s stop in on the annual Christmas concert and this year’s show was a real hum-dinger! It opened with an address to the troops from Gen. Duncan Manatarms. But no worries this time boys! The big cheese wasn’t conducting a surprise inspection! It was all about Peace and Goodwill. He wished everyone and their families the Merriest of Christmases and even promised all the hardworking troops an extra helping of roasted jungle root from the mess hall. Hahaha. Well, so much for goodwill!

        After the official season’s greetings from the military brass, the real show began. The performance opened with the comic stylings of those two court jesters; Orko and RamMan. And were they ever in rare form! After a few new gags, they knocked the crowd dead with their famous "Which Mutant?" routine. You can bet that those two jokesters are headed for big, big things! In fact, they will be hitting the pewter screen next year in their first film "Orko and RamMan meet the Mer-Man". And last, but certainly not least, bringing her own special brand of *ahem* appeal to the festivities, was that super starlet Teela Manatarms. Teela performed several swell numbers, and was more lovely than the picture of her painted on the nose of a Wind Raider. Her show-stopping routine brought all our boys in armor to their feet! You can bet that there were more than a few cat-calls from the half-man half-panthers in the audience when this kitten hit the stage!

        And finally the star on the top of this Christmas tree, an address by our very own kindly ruler Prince Adam! Or should we say San-tor Clause himself! Yes, the prince arrived at the Eternian Capital to bring good tidings to the adoring public. But, it didn’t stop there. Our St. Nick really got into the act, delivering 20 Attack Tracks full of presents and food to the local needy. I don’t mind telling you there was a lot of Christmas spirit in the air that day. Although Prince Adam played the part beautifully, there was no mistaking our mild-mannered monarch. He thinks that just by dawning a disguise that amounts to little more than changing clothes, he can pull the wool over our eyes. Well nothing doing! We Eternians are a little bit sharper than that. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool us!

        There was no word as to where He-man was during the Prince’s presentation, but hopefully he was around somewhere to protect our Prince. After all, while he may be a great and giving ruler word has it that his battle training has not gone as well as it could be.

        So now we say goodbye to another Eternian Christmas. And though it will be another 413 days for the holidays to roll around again, before you know it we’ll all be building bionic snow monsters in the yard and lighting our Flash Bushes once again.

        Until then my friends, from all of us to all of you, keep Christmas in your heart all the year long. Have a Merry Christmas and a very happy 4401!