Dissect-An-Alien Autopsy

First posted on October 19th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

The following transcription was recovered from the scene of a terrible “accident” at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories. Aside from the pictures taken during the events, all photos of the scene, after the fact have been removed from the report out of respect for the families of those involved. Despite the attempt to tone-down the graphic nature of this content, we recommend that only mature blog readers view the following post.


9:00am- What we have discovered here will ultimately change, not only the face of science…but the very threads of society. Actual solid proof of extraterrestrial life has long been the goal of everyone from astronomers to crackpots and everyone in between. Now, that goal has finally been reached.

9:22am- No photos or material from the wreckage of the spacecraft will ever be released as the government has redacted all knowledge of the geography and/or technology. In a public statement US official Stone Wahler had this to say “The difficulty in the nature of the..uh…something something weather balloon. Thank you” However, our crack team of artists here at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories have actually recreated what the craft must have looked like:

9:45am- So you can plainly see how much is riding on the results of this research. Over the next several hours I will be conducting an autopsy of the alien body found among the wreckage. My words will be recorded for later transcription and thorough photographs will be taken of the entire process. Unfortunately, all hopes of attaching our own instruments to the creature proved unsuccessful as a result of the its biology. On a side note the only instrument we actually had available was a key-tar and I can’t actually see what sort of purpose it would have served anyway. All of my work will be conducted with the most sensitive and advanced tools available to modern science.

10:00am- Thorough notes have been taken in preparation of the dissection. We have also made several wonderful diagrams and drawings of the creature. If the pages of our notebook are flipped through very quickly the alien actually tap dances and then does a back-flip ending in “Jazz Hands” but I don’t suppose that would add much to the serious nature of this scientific finding.

11:00am- Assisting with the alien dissection will be my new assistant
Phishtonia Phishington Bones. I am told that she graduated at the top of her class at Evil Minion State. She is one of the most quickly advancing experts in the field of paranormal biology. I am also told that she is positively, absolutely NOT an enemy spy.

11:08am- I now make the initial incision. With this small cut, I am advancing mankind to a further height than many of us ever thought that we could reach. The childish achievements that society made, up until this point will forever be considered the feeble accomplishments of a child. For instance, no one will ever again care about that whole “first man on the moon” thing. Anyway, I happen to know that the entire event was staged…it was just a set up farce with stage lighting and artificial props. The whole thing was fake. I hate that.

11:45am- Having broken through the outer surface of the skin and the fine inner membranes. I am now able to begin to really view this creature for what it is. Incredible. The skin of the alien is almost like rubber and is completely transparent. Inside, amidst the green fluids of the body cavity are organs of the most vibrant color. They defy imagination.

12:21pm- We are now looking directly into the open cavity of the torso. It is a view that we in the lab like to call “Alien Stew”

1:30pm- After several inspections of the tissue and fluid present inside the creature, we now begin the process of organ removal. Remarkably, the organs are in no way connected to the being itself. They float freely within the abdominal fluid. Each organ is it’s own individual color and all are extremely solid and lightweight; similar to plastic. The hard consistency of the organs has allowed my assistant to easily engrave coded numbers onto the organs themselves for later inspection and individual dissection.

2:50pm- I am finally completing the process of total organ removal. Before tackling the head I am going to make one final examination of the inside of the body. I will remove the last few organs and perform a detailed inspection of the system of nerves that I have noticed spreading like a spider web within the walls of the being. I simply have to…wait…..what is this? …………….. ……… It may be my imagination but I….but it seems as though something within the alien moved. I’m sure that….No. No the alien HAS moved! The organs have began to vibrate and it seems as though the muscles of the limbs have began to contract. However, we know nothing of the physiology of this creature and it is more than likely the result of some residual energy stored inside the organs and central nervous system of the monster.

3:00pm- This is incredible! What I though to be aftershocks of the alien’s death, now seem to be genuine animation! The movement has continued and….Wait! The entire creature is!…It’s moving! The monster is actually moving its… The entire body is shifting!! I can’t believe this….It has turned to face me…I…I genuinely don’t know what to do.

3:02pm- Ms. Bones has ran from the room, stealing my notes and slamming the door behind her! The alien is now standing, entirely on it’s own power. Its eyes are now totally clear and I see an immense intelligence in them. The thing righted itself so quickly I have had no time to react!….

3:03pm- The Monster! It’s coming closer! Slowly then quickly then slowly again! As though it’s toying with me…..I just….have to……No please wait….

????-I…..AAAAAHHHHHH

????- AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEE……………………………………………………………………………

::::End of recording::::

Consultation from the Crypt! A Demon Night To Remember

First posted on October 12th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          It’s not mystery that I make a lot of money blogging. I mean a LOT of money. I have been in this game for a long time and over the years have become not just an icon in the entertainment world but an actual titan of mythological scale. I have witnessed so many things over the years, so many changes in television, books, cartoon….nearly every aspect of pop culture and I have documented it to bring these stories to the masses so that they can, in some way, keep track of a world that sometimes seems to move at the speed of light.


          Of all the exSCREAM makeovers I have done over the years…I would have to say the most enjoyable had to be the Crypt Keeper! Who doesn’t remember this loveably rotten character from 1989-1996 (1993) HBO’s Tales From The Crypt. The show started in 1989 to howls of approval. The audience seemed to devour every episode that came out but by the end of its third year in 1992 things had started to wind down a bit. The numbers were going down and the Crypt Keeper had began to worry that his show was headed for the television morgue. So like many others be-gore him…he called me.

          I met him (surprise surprise) in the basement of his big dark scary mansion. I walked down the dusty stone steps and was met with a cavernous chamber…some kind of crazy combination of a laboratory and a dungeon…lit with candles…covered with cobwebs. I walked up to an obviously placed coffin ,crossed my arms and waited. Suddenly the mood music rose to a crescendo and the coffin flew open, up popped the good old Crypt Keeper. I waited patiently for him to finish cackling…and introduced myself. I’ll try to present the consultation to you as best as I can remember it.

          Like I said, I introduced myself and asked if he would mind if I called him Cryptie!

          “Actually”, he said. “I would prefer if you don…”

          “Cryptie” I said, “what you need is a total remake…you need to take your entire image in a whole new direction!”

          He resisted at first.


          "This schtick has brought me coffins full of money! Why I could make huge withdraws in every bank and blood bank in this city! I am known for this act. It has revolutionized terror-vision!”

          “Oh yes” I said, “completely revolutionary!! I have always loved your act. Sarcasm, murderous props and tons of ghoulish puns; it’s always been creative especially when Hitchcock was doing it 30 years ago!”

          “Granted…Alfred may have introduced films and waved a noose around but I have so much…scare-flare!! Costumes and everything!”

          “Oh! No argument here!! You are truly the monster of a thousand faces…why I’ve seen you come out in everything from a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat, to a fake beach scene with a death guard costume and some white sun-cream where your nose should be…or a black sweater, a beret and a fake mustache…you know…Hipster Cryptster!…But don’t you think there could be more to horror hosting than sitting behind a table in funny outfits and laughing at your own jokes for an hour?”

          “Why not? It’s always worked for the grieve-ning news! Ahahahaahah!”

          “Yeaaaahhh, that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about, Cyptie”

          “I asked you not to c…”

          “Cryptie, you could really be accomplishing some big things but premium err scream-ium cable isn’t the format for you…You need to go more main…uh…main-scream. No one is ever going to want to watch a TV show on HBO. It doesn’t even make any sense. No, to breathe new life into this whole show…get yourself re-animated!”

          “I’ve got news for you!” He gestures at various bubbling vials and electrical equipment. “I’m about as re-animated as they come! Ahah..”

          I cut off his laughter….”Yes yes cute but I’m not talking about rising from the dead, champ. I’m talking about ACTUAL animation! Cartoons!”

          “Car…what?”

          “Sigh…car-tombs….animated pictures! A cartoon TV show! My friend…I mean fiend!! What you need is more over-exposure! You need network television!

          “Cartombs? Like for kids? That would be a waste of my special brand of sKILLS! I’m not sure I would like the look of blood and guts in ink and PAINt.”

          “That’s the beauty of it, Cyrptie! There wouldn’t be blood and guts…subdued horror! No gore!”

          “No gore… no way! That concept sounds absolutely terrorble! Me without blood is like Sonny without Scare!”

          “Listen…I know it might sound strange at first but look at it this way! There are a lot of benefits to re-branding yourself as a cartoon character! You could do all sorts of wild and exotic things. Walk, for instance!”

          “Walk?”

          “Yeah, you know, the thing that every single other horror host does? Where they get up and move from one place to another by themselves?”

          “All by themselves…that sounds…unnatural“

          “It’s not unnatural, it’s animation. We would give you legs!”

          “Ooooohhh I do like the sound of that…Who’s legs would you give me?”

          “They would be your own legs! Try to focus! In this new show you could do much more active things…instead of just dressing up like a surfer and making some scary surfing puns; you could actually surf! Just you the murky depths and the sea monsters! Picture it!”

          “I like it but what will the audience think of Tales From the Crypt without the ghastly imagery?”

          “Believe me, Cryptie! Cartoons are the future of horror. Mild, toned down horror with a heavy dose of adorable comedy is what the people want. The horror fandom is no longer some bordello of blood looking for every piece of sex and violence they can get their hands on. They want heavy censorship and bright vibrant colors (by the way, you’ll be green); everybody knows that!”

          “It sounds frightfully promising!”

          “Well, let me just tip the scales for you…Imagine you…the Crypt Keeper…Actually appearing in the stories. No more just doing the introduction and the wrap-up!”

          “The star…I can see it now me! By myself, Center slayge! I’ll murder ‘em! I’ll kill ‘em! And after I’m done, I’ll do the show!”

          “Well you see…You won’t be exactly by yourself….”

          “Not by myself?”

          “Um…No. You see as part of the animated series contract, we’re going to be bringing in some additional talent….You know the usual thing; more writers, some artists and of course twoextrahosts…and caterers um…”

          “Wait wait…Did you say two extra hosts?”

          “Well yes but you’ll love them, in fact you already know them. You’ve worked with them in the old print days! The Old Witch and the Vault Keeper!”

          At that point, he amazingly stood up and started to walk out.

          “Those guys are total creeps and not in the good way…I work alone and I’m more than enough Keeper for this Crypt! There is absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind!”

          It was the point that I told him that the contract called for an all-expense-paid world cruise with The Mistress of the Dark herself, Elvira! And that unlike everything else in her life, she liked to moon bathe as nature intended!

          The deal was signed immediately and production got underway at once on the new show. Within two months the ratings started to fall and by the end of the year, it was cancelled. A new animation company picked up the struggling concept, changed the animation and lightened the tone even further but it was no use. After limping along for two more seasons, Tales from the Crypt-Keeper was cancelled permanently. The Crypt Keeper immediately returned to HBO and the show got higher ratings than at any time in its history. The Crypt Keeper became an international star and went on to unimaginable fame and fortune!

          I hope this story goes to serves to illustrate the amazing ability I have…the natural instinct in shaping the world of entertainment. Through my actions, I was able to single-handedly turn around the career of a smalltime celebrity and turn him into a household name. Sure two different animation studios went out of business and people lost millions of dollars. And sure, Cryptie won’t return my calls anymore but the fact remains that I can work magic. And who knows who I might be able to help next!! Why, with the tract record I have with horror hosts, I could really work wonders with our very own Haunted Drive-In Projectionist! Picture it…the Projectionist surrounded by an all-star cast of marionettes. They would watch a marvelously morbid movie…tell some great old jokes… and maybe…yes maybe…learn a little something about friendship along the way.

          Just a thought.

          See ya next time kiddies!! Ahahahaaaaaaaaa!

Skellington in the Suburbs

First posted on October 11th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link



          And welcome back to Coast-To-Ghost AM, and as always I am your host, Rhett Kahn. All month, we’ve been presenting a series of personal supernatural encounters. Tonight we have the owner of the Terror Trees Haunted Attraction and paranormal investigator Guy Elliot. He is the author of the new true life horror best seller “Mr. Unlucky”. I want to remind everyone that our sponsor tonight is Claymation Brand Werewolves! when you need werewolves fast and you need them to be doughy, cartoonish and un-intimidating! And now, let’s get to our guest.


R: “Hello Guy, how are you?”

GE: “I’m good, Rhett. I’m good and you?”

R: “Always doing great, Guy! And speaking of great; I’ve been reading Mr. Unlucky and it is absolutely riveting and you say that its completely real?”

GE: “Rhett, I swear this entire story is true.”

R: “It’s just that it really is fantastic but please, go on…We’re ready to believe you!”

GE: “Oh, okay. Thanks…Okay, well it all started out on Halloween night…I know that sounds a little bit cliché but it’s the truth. See, I run what they call a haunted hayride. It’s actually a pretty big deal in that part of Kentucky during October! We get about 5,000 customers a night and cover an area stretching across about 3 acres.”

R: “—Wow! That definitely does sound pretty impressive! I think we all enjoy a good haunted house, or in your case hunted hayride.”

GE: “Yeah, I know I do! Anyway, we had just completed a huge night and had even had a live broadcast from Jonathan Johnson and Rabid Badger of Rotting Flesh Radio…It was amazing! So it was about 3 o’clock in the morning and I was walking the entire haunt path, sort of reveling in my triumph you could say. Of course I had my Fisher Price Super Ghost Detector with me as I normally do if I’m out somewhere on my own. It’s an incredibly sophisticated piece of equipment and is sensitive to the wandering lost souls…spirits so ancient that mortal man cannot even name them. It can also play AM and FM radio and the whole thing runs on just two AAA batteries! So anyway; I was just passing the part of our little show we call the Halloween Tree when I heard a funny noise.”

R: “A noise?”

GE: “Yeah…well it sounded a little like a combination of a breaking tree branch and a creaking door. And a door is exactly what it was…There was a door opening right in the trunk of the Halloween Tree. A door in a tree! It was the damnedest thing!”

R: “—But the tree, you said it was part of your haunted attraction?”

GE: “Yeah. It was part of the tour but it was an actual tree. It’s huge! About six feet around and one of the creepiest looking trees you could ever see. We actually rerouted the path so that the customers would have to walk past it….So a door starts to open in this thing and the wind suddenly kicks up and this figure steps out of it…”

R: “A figure…what was it?”

GE: “That’s a good question; a monster?…A ghost?…All I know is it looked like a skellington, I mean skeleton…Super thin, and unnaturally tall. A skull for a head, bone hands and an black pin-striped tuxedo.”

R: “A tuxedo?”

GE: “Haha! Yeah, it was wearing a sort of tuxedo black gothic-ky outfit. I don’t know what it looked like exactly…The whole thing scared the living *expletive* out of me!”

R: “So did you run? Did you get out of there?”

GE: “Hell no! I had to find out what was going on! I mean it’s so rare that a paranormal investigator actually encounters the uh… the paranormal. And to have a haunted experience in an actual haunted house?!. Wow! That’s the kind of stuff they make terrible horror movies about! I had to follow the creature and see where it was going.”

R: “Yes! And maybe keep it from harming anybody?”

GE: “Uhhhhh Yeah…Sure… Protect people. Anyway, I started trailing this guy, this thing and it was acting very weird….It walked through the little bit of field and the highway that separated us from the town that borders our haunt, and to be honest I was having trouble keeping up. It wasn’t that he was necessarily walking quickly but he took huge steps. His legs alone were nearly as tall as me and they were stick thin; it was almost like watching a giant spider walk. So picture this…by this time it was 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning and I’m chasing behind this ten foot tall gigantic stick thin skeleton wearing a tuxedo. Everyone’s out and about doing what you do on a Saturday morning but no one seems to be noticing this craziness…It actually seemed like I was the only person that saw him. So I’m freaking out and he’s walking around like he’s in an amusement park; analyzing everything and acting like he’s never been in the suburbs before! He inspecting storm drains, picking weeds, taking the license plates off of cars.”

R: “Wow! So no one ever saw any of this besides you? That is hard to believe…Not that I would ever call a ghost hunter a liar but you must agree.”

GE: “Rhett, it would seem hard to believe if I hadn’t experienced it for myself. Fortunately for my credibility I was able to gather proof!”

R: “Did you catch the whole thing on video? Amazing!”

GE: “Well not actually on video, Rhett…As you might know; it is strictly against the bylaws of the International Ghost Hunters Association to capture any kind of irrefutable proof like clear video evidence or several respectable witnesses. Although we are allowed to capture blurry photographs or video that clearly shows random static-ky light orbs that look eerily like flashlights. We are also allowed to record audio! Most of the time this audio consists of garbled background noise interlaced with sounds that may or may not be people saying whatever we decide to write on the subtitles.”

R: “And those garbled audio tracks are always very compelling, but I understand you have something even stronger?”

GE: “that’s right, Danny!”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “That’s right, Rhett…You see a few minutes in to this creature walking around in childlike wonder, it actually began to sing about what it was seeing. I have the whole thing recorded! It gets a little rough in some spots but you can make out most of it.”

R: “And what proof do you have that it was an actual ghost and not just you or someone else singing and recording it?”

GE: “Anyway, Rhett, I would like if I can to play some of the audio recording for you and your listeners.”

R: “Well I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we would love to hear it.”



—-Begin Audio—

What’s this? What’s this?

There’s pavement everywhere

What’s this?

A shop that cuts your hair

What’s this?

I can’t believe my eyes

I must be **Unintelligible**


What’s this? What’s this?

There’s people cutting grass

What’s this?

The lower middle class





What’s this?

The streets are lined with

Steel and concrete storm-drains

Everybody seems so mundane

Have I possibly gone insane?

What is this?

What’s this?





There are children throwing litter

On someone else’s lawn.

And a place to take your valuables

That you might like to pawn.





There’s people doing taxes.

Though, I don’t know what that means

And I feel down but look around

To see suburban scenes…





Oh, look

What’s this?

They’re hanging yard sale signs, on poles.

Why they’re so poorly made, cardboard!

They’re putting letters in a box?

**static**





Oh look a stand for lemonade, how cute.

Now cops have shut it down.

And why?





They didn’t have a license, but

The cities got to get a cut.

They’ll ticket every car

That’s just a minute past its meter!

This looks grand!

This looks grand!

Oh, can I ever understand?

What’s this?





Oh my, what now?

A swimmer’s hair is green?

Their pool,

Has way to much chlorine!

No weeds, to ruin their perfect front lawns

Or stray leaves to fall and terrorize…

From nature they stay sterilized….

What’s this?





There selling soap door to door

That no one wants to buy.

And no one seems to even chase

That sweaty jogging guy.





I hear the screams of people

Watching sports on their TV’s.

It seems unreal that people place

Their hopes on things like these….





The drab! The plain!

Everything all looks the same!

I’ve never been quite this content!

Who ever could imagine I’d see so much white bread.

I won’t complain but it’s a shame I happen to be dead.





I want it, oh, I want it!

I’ve began to finally see

How unlucky

How unlucky

To be stuck in Halloween

Instead of this…

Planned…community.

—-End Audio—

GE: “So you see, Tim…”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “So you see, Rhett…It couldn’t possible have been anything but a genuine paranormal experience. How else do you explain the word play and sophisticated rhyme scheme? This sighting has opened my eyes. Ghosts, goblins and everything that I’ve dedicated my life to is real…And all they want is what we already have! So I’ve decided to enjoy the things around me. The simple, the mundane…There is beauty in all of it and it’s time I learned to appreciate it. So I’ve decided to change my life! I’m leaving all of this ghost hunting behind. No more spirits, no more goblins and no more walking around at midnight in abandoned hospitals! From now on, it’s the plain life for me!”

R: “Are you also giving up running the haunt as well?”

GE: “No way! Haunted houses kick ass!”



          And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! A spine tingling tale of a life changing brush with “the other side”. And sadly, that’s all the time we have tonight.

          If you’ve enjoyed tonight’s show half as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you, then I’ve enjoyed it twice as much as you have. Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away…and have a nice day!

Mills Means Monsters – The Secret “Origin” of Monster Cereals

First posted on October 5th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          It was a simple enough pitch as movie pitches go…Monsters. Who didn’t love monsters? They were powerful, mysterious. Men wanted to be them and women wanted to be with them! (or was that leading men?) Anyway people DID love monsters. And they had made it big in film already thanks mostly to Mr. Lon Chaney! The man of a thousand faces. His genius portrayal of some of histories most revered monsters (a murdering clown, The Phantom of the Opera, the Hunchback of Notre Dame!) had put Universal Studios on the map and it only made sense to continue riding that money train to glory! As many film historians know, the Chaney monster films in the 1920’s had brought success but had also used up every single monster in human lore. What they needed was fresh meat! New monsters to bring chills up the spines of Mr and Mrs America! At least that was the driving force behind Herman Mills and his new breed of american movie monster.

          Mills came from a long line of whole grain farmers living in rural Iowa, just outside of Happy Pines. The farm was a successful one supplying much of the Midwest with more wheat oats and corn then they could possibly handle but he wanted more. He wanted to make an impact on the world and he wanted it to be through the art of horror!! Like many farmers Herman had grown up watching monster movies and fell in love with the spooky art form. He wanted to be a part of that world and set about meticulously designing monsters. Monsters like the world had never seen before! He created sketches, background stories, rough film outlines…everything! He envisioned a series of films; each one showcasing the eerie goodness of one of his monstrous creations… eventually there could be crossover films that featured two of his monsters or even more! He knew in his heart of hearts that they would be a hit and with a cast like this how could he go wrong?

 
(Historical Sketch by: The Amazing Tom Krohne)

Count Chocula- An undead creature of the night…ageless. With the charm of an aristocrat and an undying thirst

Frankenberry- An monstrous abomination. The unnatural marriage of flesh and machine. An unstoppable force of nature.

Boo Berry- Corpse? Ghost? Who can tell. He rose to exact revenge for a wrong long since lost to the dust of time. His rage fuels his bloody quest.

Yummy Mummy- A lifeless hollow shell that was once a man. Propelled by a very mystic curse. Driven to destroy anyone or anything in its path.

And of course…

Fruit Brute- Tormented soul of a man forever cursed to dwell in the body of a vicious beast. A slave to the moon and its own cruel twisted fate.

          Mills gathered his entire collection of information scripts sketches, and concept work into a thrift store briefcase and headed down to sunny Hollywood, California to make his dream a reality! Unfortunately, it seemed the world was not ready for Mills and his Monsters… Every studio that the starry-eyed man visited turned down his concept but in the end one rejection hurt most of all. Herman’s beloved Universal Studios declined to even let him finish his pitch. They stated that Universal was out of the monster business for good and wanted to focus their time and money into something called “cartoons” (which, by the way would never end up catching on) They agreed to take some of his information in case they ever changed their mind but they made it clear that this was incredibly unlikely.

           Devastated, Mills returned to the family farm reinvesting himself into developing new and spookier ways of planting wheat fields! In 1931 Herman Mills received the most shocking blow of all. Universal studios had released a movie entitled Dracula. And the leading character Count Dracula was virtually identical to his character Count Chocula!! He had received no notice from Universal…no royalty check… Surely this was some kind of mistake…or maybe just a misunderstanding. He contacted the studio and was told they had no record of his visit to the company or of his monster movie pitch. Mills continued to hold on to the hope that the whole ordeal could have been a coinsidence. After all, as the crotchety but lovable owner of the charming local country grocery store said “stranger things have happened”

           So he went about his life but the betrayal only got worse. Universal released Frankenstein; a pale (and not even pink!) ripoff of his Frankenberry character. Then the (not yummy) Mummy and the Wolf Man! In addition they released several films introducing the concept of a “ghost;” a concept wholly created by Mills with Boo Berry. Heartbroken and jaded, Mr. Mills set about the task of trying to recover from his dreams shattering before him.

           It was no use…Universal Studios had taken everything. They even created a film called the Invisible Man and mirrored his character The Invisiberry Man perfectly. While not nearly as scary or well fleshed out, these “universal monsters” had effectively ended any chance that he would ever see his own characters in the spotlight. In one last desperate attempt to make it big, he pitched some light concept stuff to a young studio called Rankin Bass and since they needed some Halloween material they agreed almost immediately. The resulting film “Mad Monster Party” was released to much critical acclaim but was a box office flop and ultimately never reached anything beyond cult status. The world was apparently not ready for a stop motion vampire or a claymation werewolf.

           Herman went back to the farm this time for good. He began to love the whole grains and the nourishment they provided. He knew they could be part of a balanced breakfast if eaten with toast, skim-milk and a glass of milk…and a glass of orange juice ( I mean honestly, who drink two different drinks with breakfast in two different glasses. It’s ridiculous!) Yes, Herman believed that if these whole grains could somehow be molded into interesting shapes and then put in a box of some kind why…even kids might eat it! So he devised a plan to revolutionize the breakfast world, he would call his product cereal (after the serial comic strips that he loved so well) But this “cereal” needed more than just fun shapes and a super cool rectangular box. It would need colorfully decorated cartoon boxes. Delicious flavors and catchy names…maybe even some kind of collectible toy that could provide endless nostalgia fuel in the years to come! Only the right combination of these could turn innocent children into obnoxious whining brats that would beg and scream until the product was dropped into the shopping cart by a desperate mother!

           What he needed was inspiration and he didn’t have to look very far…it was the same answer he had turned to time and time again…Monsters! He got to planning a different cereal with its own unique flavor, and displayed on the box in all their glory…his creations! Anyone could see that Herman Mills was a whole grain genius! He knew how to make the best cereal on earth…and the flavoring was a no-brainer! In fact, weirdly enough, he noticed that the names of his monsters almost sounded like flavors already! With the help of his brother General Edward Mills (marshmallow hobbyist) he added that special finishing touch of the sweet spooky themed delights. After all everyone knows that marshmallows are what kids crave!

           The rest, as they say is history. Herman and General Mills went on to fame and fortune, becoming sugary breakfast titans and creating one of the most beloved seasonal horror based food products in the history of the world. The characters on those cereal boxes have resulted in spin-offs such as video games, and animated series and even Mills Monsters: The Broadway Musical casting its influence into the entertainment world farther even than Universal Studios…the company that nearly ended the dream for good. The origin of Monsters Cereal really is a classic example of the American Dream. Not like Sugar Bear….now that story is weird!

A Very Mogwai Christmas: One Last Christmas In July Wish

First posted on August 2nd, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          I hope everyone out there in range of the Rotting Flesh Radio airwaves had a Morbidly Merry Christmas in July! I just wanted to take a moment to send one more fake Christmas post to bookend this special time of year…and what is Christmas without a little, tasteful commercialism! With that in mind, I bring you an advertisement for one of the most sought after gifts of 1984… The Mogwai!
 
 

          This Christmas if you really care…I mean if you care the least little bit about the people who do so much for you then you need to give them a gift they’ll remember all year! Not a pocket fisherman! Those fall apart…Not a smokeless Ash Tray, those don’t even work! And besides, that it really is just one more slap in the face to us smokers, isn’t it?! I mean really! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A RESTARAUNT! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN THE OFFICE! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A BAR!! I MEAN A FREAKING BAR!! AND NOW THEY DON’T WANT SMOKE TO COME OUR OF YOUR ASHTRAY? IT’S AN ASHTRAY!!! IT IS AN ASHTRAY! I MEAN WHAT’S NEXT? NO SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOME??? BETRAYING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE?? BANNING EVERYTH….um…ahem…I apologize for that.

          Anyway, this Christmas give the gift that will last and last…the gift that provides hours of entertainment; the gift that keeps on giving! Give the gift of the Mogwai!

          The Mogwai is a small adorable creature that is sure to make an impression on anyone who receives it! You might think that being a cute fuzzy, adorable talking kitten-rabbit-elf beast might be enough but you would be wrong…oh so terribly wrong. If simply being irresistibly adorable was enough; I could be purchased, wrapped in a ribbon and given away as a Christmas present but that, my friends, has rarely ever happened. No this little monster thing has more than a few tricks up its sleeves! The real secret behind the gift potential of the Mogwai comes in it’s ‘extra features!’

          You see, with a few secret unlock codes your simple country Mogwai can actually create more Mogwais, and not through some gross Mogwai mating or anything. No! Just like every important piece of technology, all you have to do is add water. We at Little Chinatown Shop Industries encourage you to create no more than 11 additional Mogwais per day! Any more than that will exceed the recommended fun limit!

          And speaking of fun; let’s chat for a bit about the most fun feature of all. Your Mogwai, can actually transform from a basic model, into an advanced Mogwai or, as the kids call it, a ‘Gremlin’ This Gremlin is just as cute as a normal Mogwai but scalier, greener, more sinister and with much sharper claws and teeth. You do lose a little bit in the fluffy category but trust me you wont have time to think about it! The highly desirable, and not at all disastrous to civilization Gremlin can be achieved with simple Mogwai food. Here is the trick: simply feed your Mogwai after midnight! And that’s it. Wait until the clock strikes twelve and throw some Mogwai chow into the cage! If for whatever stupid reason you don’t want the Mogwai to become a Gremlin, it is safe to once again feed your pet at…um….actually we haven’t quite worked that out yet. It turns into a Gremlin if you feed it after midnight, but we’re not really sure when “after midnight” ends. But who cares? Once you have an army of Gremlins unleashed on your town, your hands will be full! With wackiness!*

          Super advanced Mogwais such as Spider Mogwai, Genius Mogwai, Striped Mogwai, Electro Mogwai, Thunder-Punch Mogwai or Malibu Mogwai sold at an additional cost.

          So trust me this hypothetical holiday season. No gift exchange will be complete without the greatest gift of all, a Mogwai! Even if Christmas has always brought up bad memories of some ridiculous and terrible tragic event from the past…this Christmas will be different! This Christmas, the machinery of all of those negative feelings will be sabotaged once and for all. Sabotaged by Gremlins!

          And for a limited time, with the purchase of any Mogwai with Mogwai accessories you can also Sit Back, Relax, and ROT AWAY…and have a nice day!

          *Warning: Gremlins not compatible with dogs, movie theatres, or wheelchair stair lifts!

The Phantasm Christmas Special

First posted on July 26th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Deadites! In honor of Rotting Flesh Radio’s Morbidly Merry Christmas In July; I have been getting into the Christmas spirit myself lately. So allow me to discuss one of my all time favorite nostalgic subjects; The Television Christmas Special! Christmas specials are a funny subject; there are the kinds of people who absolutely love them, and then there are the people who are no friends of mine! Regardless of how you feel about these inarguably awesome productions, you have to admit that the public tends only to focus on a handful of these holiday treats and the rest just slip through the cracks. Who knows what causes a Christmas Special to be overlooked…maybe it was ahead of its time? Maybe it just didn’t hit on the right pop culture trends? Maybe it never actually existed? Who knows. The point is among these lost specials are some real hidden gems that deserve to see the light of day, and during this misplaced 100 degree Christmas season, I want to give one of these its just desserts.


          Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Phantasm Christmas Special.

          The year was 1980 and the world was still recovering from the magnificent terror unleashed upon it the year before by the theatrical release of The Phantasm! Don Coscarelli and the executives at Embassy Pictures were frantically trying to find a way to capitalize on the success of the film. There were several meetings, but in the end the decision was obvious; a made-for-TV animated Christmas Special! They turned to Don Bluth, who was unanimously decided to be the perfect animator to the bring the Phantasm to the small screen. Bluth loved the project, going so far as to say that his entire career had been leading him to eventually creating an animated special based on a gory independent horror film. Michael Baldwin, Reggie Bannister and ,of course, Angus Scrimm all reprised their roles as the voice of the characters they made famous. With brilliant animation, a top-notch voice cast and such a recognizable name, it would have been so easy to just phone-in a generic script and coast to profits. Luckily for all of us, Coscarelli chose to pen a tale that did real justice to the Phantasm empire.

          Our story begins with the usual Christmas Special title sequence as we drift through a winter night, blowing among snowflakes as the opening credits appear on the screen to the sounds of a familiar Christmas song, in this case “So This Is Christmas”. The credits wrap up and our story begins.

          Reggie and Mike are driving around at night in Reggie’s Ice Cream truck along the snowy street; past houses covered in twinkling lights and animated Santa Clauses. It may seem strange to see an ice cream truck in the middle of December at night, especially one playing Christmas carols over its speaker system…That is, until you look inside. Reggie had altered his truck and now, rather than cold treats to beat the heat; this truck deals in Christmas cheer! Roasted chestnuts, hot cocoa, candy canes, spiced cider. It’s the perfect rescue wagon for people doing late night yard decoration or chilly carolers.

          The pair wrap up their merry making and pull in to their driveway to warm up. Unfortunately, Mike is feeling anything but warm; still shaken up by the loss of his brother Jody at the hands of a fatal car crash and/or stabbing by a murderous supernatural woman. He excuses himself to go for a nighttime walk as Reggie goes into the house to start making dinner. He walks the snowy town; looking at the beautiful lights and pondering life, family and the holidays…As he walks, he passes a place we can all recognize; his local funeral parlor. To his horror, Mike sees a sight he recognizes even more. The silhouette of a figure a man. A tall man. THE Tall Man! But how could this be? Except for the end scene that may or may not have been a dream, the Tall Man was destroyed! But there he stands against the backdrop of a winter night. And he seems to be carrying a box; a long very heavy looking box. Moments after noticing the Tall Man, the Tall Man notices Mike and the terrible cat-and-mouse game begins anew. And it all starts with the one word that has been haunting Mikes dreams night after night.


          “Boy!”

          As the Tall Man begins his pursuit, Mike runs for all he is worth. He runs up the steps of the clock tower at city hall. Dodging between the bell and the clockwork, he runs with the Tall Man (still carrying his ominous box) in hot pursuit. They tear through the enormous timepiece, frightening the tiny mouse who has been working hard to repair it. Mike runs back down the steps and out of the clock, looking for a safer place to hide. They run through a seedy reindeer bar. The Tall Man chases him through a Christmas tree lot full of nothing but painted aluminum trees. They dodge between Cobra trucks carrying loads of evil rigged toys on their way to GI Joe headquarters. The evil immortal alien chased him down the streets of his town right to the traffic cop, and he only paused a moment when he heard him holler “Boy!” again. By the time they passed Scrooge McDuck’s counting house, TM’s Jawa creatures had joined in the hunt.

          They continued to race through the town, finally arriving at the community center. The River Bottom Nightmare Band was just finishing their set and Mike ran backstage expecting to find a stage door. Instead, he was met with a Christmas tree, some decorations and a solid brick wall. As the Jawas and the Tall Man closed in, Mike realized he had no where else to run and was backed against a wall. The Tall Man and his minions stepped slowly closer and closer in silence. Finally, the stillness was broken as the Tall Man slammed his box to the ground, retrieved something from his pocket and opened his mouth to speak.

          “Boy” he bellowed, “Merry Christmas!”

          Suddenly the Tall Man placed the Santa Claus hat that he had taken from his pocket upon his head. He opened the box that, as it turns out, was full of brightly wrapped Christmas presents! Out from the shadows the Jawas came forward and begin to sing. Quietly at first but growing steadily louder.

          Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!

          Welcome Christmas, come this way!

          Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!

          Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day!


          Gradually the entire group began to sing; the minions, the Riverbottom Nightmare Band, The Tall Guy, even Mike! Then Mike is surprised even further by the arrival of Reggie who smiles knowingly as he joins in on the song. They all clasp hands and sang, finally lighting up the Christmas tree and began to unwrap the gifts brought by Santa Tall Man! It is the greatest Christmas Mike has ever known and he realized in that moment that everything was going to be okay.


          As things began to wind down, the Tall Man stood pointing a finger at Mike and announced, “You might think this is the end boy! But it’s not.” Out of nowhere, a crash erupts behind Mike and two ghoulish hands break through the mirror that was conveniently behind him. The Tall Man continues, “This…Is the end!” The arms are holding a beautiful Christmas wreath with a red silk ribbon and a message in silver glitter.

          The message says, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”



          The End.

Old-fashioned Christmas of the future

A Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest Exclusive!

        Seasons greetings Coo-Coo Cola cult members! In our first of a series of recently discovered News Reels, allow me to present a transcription of one that’s especially suitable for this time of year! I now bring you “An Eternian Christmas”!

        Dateline 4400. Eternia. It’s that time of year once again and all of country has began to busy itself with preparations for a real old-fashioned Eternian Christmas. Now let’s take a look at how Citizens across the country are preparing for this very special holiday season.

        In the Shadow Swamps of the Southern Bog Lands, the annual harvest of the Christmas Flash Bushes have already begun and word is we’ve got a bumper crop this year! Our hardy crew of Moss Men Workers have been pulling double shifts selecting only the finest bushes and very few Moss Men have been eaten this year! Oops, spoke too soon! heh heh! Remember boys, it’s important to distinguish the difference between the festive Flash Bush and the man-eating Tarkroot Vine.

        In the Western Desert Lands where the ravages of war rage on, our fighting men, women and monsters... and robots, are helping to keep all of us free to live as we always have. So when your decorating your cozy monster-shaped and/or skeleton-shaped house this year, be sure to remember our boys "over there". Many have continued the tradition of Christmas care packages for the troops and the Eternian soldiers always appreciate a little bit of home, so the ESO is currently requesting Boiled Nighthawk Talons, Biono-Cigars, and of course, Gummy Blardz. Be sure to send our boys some Christmas Presents. As for us, our Christmas wish is that our troops send old Skeletor a "present" of his own!

        Speaking of the ESO, let’s stop in on the annual Christmas concert and this year’s show was a real hum-dinger! It opened with an address to the troops from Gen. Duncan Manatarms. But no worries this time boys! The big cheese wasn’t conducting a surprise inspection! It was all about Peace and Goodwill. He wished everyone and their families the Merriest of Christmases and even promised all the hardworking troops an extra helping of roasted jungle root from the mess hall. Hahaha. Well, so much for goodwill!

        After the official season’s greetings from the military brass, the real show began. The performance opened with the comic stylings of those two court jesters; Orko and RamMan. And were they ever in rare form! After a few new gags, they knocked the crowd dead with their famous "Which Mutant?" routine. You can bet that those two jokesters are headed for big, big things! In fact, they will be hitting the pewter screen next year in their first film "Orko and RamMan meet the Mer-Man". And last, but certainly not least, bringing her own special brand of *ahem* appeal to the festivities, was that super starlet Teela Manatarms. Teela performed several swell numbers, and was more lovely than the picture of her painted on the nose of a Wind Raider. Her show-stopping routine brought all our boys in armor to their feet! You can bet that there were more than a few cat-calls from the half-man half-panthers in the audience when this kitten hit the stage!

        And finally the star on the top of this Christmas tree, an address by our very own kindly ruler Prince Adam! Or should we say San-tor Clause himself! Yes, the prince arrived at the Eternian Capital to bring good tidings to the adoring public. But, it didn’t stop there. Our St. Nick really got into the act, delivering 20 Attack Tracks full of presents and food to the local needy. I don’t mind telling you there was a lot of Christmas spirit in the air that day. Although Prince Adam played the part beautifully, there was no mistaking our mild-mannered monarch. He thinks that just by dawning a disguise that amounts to little more than changing clothes, he can pull the wool over our eyes. Well nothing doing! We Eternians are a little bit sharper than that. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool us!

        There was no word as to where He-man was during the Prince’s presentation, but hopefully he was around somewhere to protect our Prince. After all, while he may be a great and giving ruler word has it that his battle training has not gone as well as it could be.

        So now we say goodbye to another Eternian Christmas. And though it will be another 413 days for the holidays to roll around again, before you know it we’ll all be building bionic snow monsters in the yard and lighting our Flash Bushes once again.

        Until then my friends, from all of us to all of you, keep Christmas in your heart all the year long. Have a Merry Christmas and a very happy 4401!

Happy Late Mother's Day.

        Okay here is the set up…there is this kid, right? His Mother has been dead for a couple of years and he lives with his father Gus, who drives a cab. The dad is overworked and struggling to balance raising a child with working enough to pay the bills. The father is lonely, and his child has been getting in fights at school, because Mother's Day is coming up and one of the other kids teased him for not having a mom to make a card for. In comes a woman that they believe is a nanny that cares about them, but who is in fact planning to kill them. If you guessed that this is the Mother's Day episode of the hilarious animated series “KissyFur”, then you are correct!
        Once we get past these minor characters we meet the real stars of the show; ladies and gentlemen, your villains and mine… the Swamp Gators! Floyd and Jolene are trying to catch something to eat and of course, failing miserably. You have to wonder how cartoon villains don’t all starve to death considering the fact that they never seem to eat anything. The “good guys” eat and often times they even eat meat but the bad guys keep the audience laughing at there desperate attempts to survive. If I wrote the cartoons, I think I would have thrown a few minor characters their way every once in a while, I mean really who’s gonna miss them.
        In their desperation, the gators find a trunk buried in a river sand dune, which contains: 1. A pair of high heeled shoes 2. White gloves and a ladies hat 3. A pink dress and parasol 4. A realistic bear mask.
        It was quite a struggle for me to pull myself away from wondering what kind of crazy fetish sex this gear was intended for, but I eventually did. (For now anyway.) After I got back to focusing on the all too common situation of male alligators dressing like female bears, I began to appreciate the subtlety of the show. In any NORMAL cartoon the bad guy would pretend to be the nanny and get to know the kids and family. He would still go through the motions of the plot to betray them but in the end, he would have a last minute change of heart and show them mercy. This is not one of those shows. He gets the trust of the family, and he and his lady gator trap the kids in a cage and try until the very end of the show to boil them alive.
        If all of this weren’t enough, we are treated to a anthropomorphic bear love triangle, focusing on the cub’s teacher Miss Emmie. Emmie has clearly been positioning herself to be Kissyfur‘s new mom. Her obvious attempts at impressing father and son, paired with her resentment of the new “nanny”, add a nice amount of romantic tension to the show. She radiates jealousy throughout this episode by insulting her rival, and throwing fits when she thinks Gus prefers the nanny. I haven’t seen enough episodes to find out if she ever becomes Kissyfur’s step mother but I think the odds are that she does. If nothing else I’m sure she occasionally gets some from papa bear… I mean, a lonely schoolmarm needs a little honey now and then, am I right?
        Between the murderous plotting, and the sexual tension it makes me wonder what kind of audience this show was geared toward exactly. The one thing I do know is that Kissyfur seems to be the quintessential 80’s cartoon. The drawing style is incredibly weird with unique character and background design. Even the wonderfully bizarre soundtrack music adds to the feeling that this cartoon exists in it’s own separate world. If I had known about this show I guarantee I would have watched the hell out of it when I was a kid. The quality of the animation and the writing make each episode play out more like a miniature animated film.
        The discovery of this show is better than any gift I could have gotten for Mother's Day… if I were a woman… and a mother… and… It’s just a really good cartoon okay! Now watch it. Watch it!!! Or I’ll give you such a guilt trip.

Improv Down The Bunny Trail. Easter Special!

Well, another Easter has come and gone, along with it’s commercials and TV specials. To me, most Easter Traditions have always seem to have been made up at random, nothing set in stone as an actual tradition shared by everyone else. From having to hunt down your toys and candy Easter morning, to the total Santa knock-off “picture with the Easter Bunny”, to the bizarre ritual of dyeing eggs and then hiding them in the yard. Because, as everyone knows, kids love them some hard-boiled eggs! Although as perplexed as we all may be this time of year, I think a much better example of how confused people can become by Easter is the Rankin/Bass Claymation Special “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”.

You get the feeling the big wigs at Rankin/Bass decided they needed an Easter special to round out the collection, and only gave the writers one day to slap it together. And slap they did. It seems that instead of simply writing a holiday special, they took every special ever made; melded them together, and created a giant mutant special! For those of you who may not understand the ways of anthropomorphic rabbit storytelling, I’m going to break it down for you. So ladies and gentlemen, for my first real entry on my blog dedicated exclusively to cartoons from the eighties and nineties; I bring you . . . a cartoon from 1971!

Our story begins in typical R/B fashion with the introduction of the narrator. This time our storyteller is in the form of a crazed, traveling color salesman voiced by Danny Kaye. Before telling his story, he demonstrates his awesome control of the dark arts by actually changing the color of the world! He then gives us a glimpse through his magic black egg, at the rabbit infested world of April Meadow. We are introduced to our hero Peter Cottontail, the heir apparent to the current Easter Bunny and (King?) of April Meadow. Peter is everything that you would want in an Easter Bunny. His two most outstanding character traits are that he constantly brags about himself, and he is a pathological liar. In a way that is not at all like Pinocchio; whenever Peter tells a lie, he has an obvious physical flaw (the drooping of his left ear) that immediately reveals the fact that he is lying. Peter is about to be given the ceremonial basket when out from the shadows steps the villain, a strange looking, evil and handicapped rabbit named January Q. Irontail. He lost his real tail in a horrible and graphically depicted bicycle accident and has since been forced to make due with a fake tail made of . . . anybody? Iron!

Irontail challenges Peter (played wonderfully by Scooby Doo’s Shaggy) to some kind of wacky duel where you race to see who can give away the most eggs in one day. The night before the race, Peter goes on an all night bender and has to rely on his Flintstones-style alarm clock which is a regular wind up clock and a chicken that sits on his windowsill. The chicken reads the clock, and then wakes him up. Apparently, April Valley has yet to harness the technology of the bell. While Peter is asleep, Irontail cheats by OF COURSE giving the chicken a kind of chewing gum that is specifically designed to sabotage chicken alarm clocks. Therefore Peter sleeps through the day and loses the race to the tortoise….I mean, Irontail. In disgrace, and leaving the village he loves in the hands of a ruthless disfigured false king, Peter leaves the Pride Lands hoping to one day redeem himself. 30 minutes later, he runs into the traveling color salesman who give him his time machine airplane piloted by a talking caterpillar with a strong French accent. They plan to go straight back to Easter and give away eggs like nobody’s business.

Unfortunately, Irontail get his monstrous hell-beast to sabotage the plane and now Peter has to fly aimlessly through the Calendar stopping in separate worlds that are each dedicated to a specific holiday. And to those of you that didn’t see the Archipelago of Last Years in Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, this idea will seem totally new. At every stop, he lies to people while his insect friend follows him around and tries to keep him on the straight and narrow. Let me say again that Peter is nothing like Pinocchio.

So now Peter has to travel to different holidays, painting his Easter eggs and trying to pass them off as some kind of other holiday-specific egg. He goes to Halloween World and gives an egg to a witch. He goes to Mother’s Day Town and gets a guilt trip. And he goes to 4th of July Town and almost gets beaten up by two little kids. Thanksgiving Town is my personal favorite. He prepares to offer Thanksgiving eggs to a family who has just finished their meal at their beautiful dining room table which is, of course, in their front yard. (interior shots are hard after all) I believe this scene best represents the entire rest of the movie. Peter begins to tie down his ears and put feathers on his tail when his worm friend asks, “What are you supposed to be? An Easter turkey, or a Thanksgiving rabbit?” To which our hero replies… “Who cares as long as I can give away these eggs!” This is obviously the writers’ way of asking, “Where on earth are we going with this“?

Where they are going next is Christmas Town, where Peter dresses like Santa Clause and tries to give hard-boiled eggs away on a street corner in the middle of the night. Amazingly, he doesn’t have any takers. The sound of crying leads him to a hat store where a talking hat is alone in the window. No one wanted the hat because it is an Easter bonnet in Christmas Town, and is therefore a misfit. I think there is also a bird that swims like a fish and a charley-in-the-box in the store too, but that might have a been another show… Peter makes a deal to purchase that hat for a basket of eggs, which you will find that most of your higher-end hat stores will do, and has to leave quickly because the evil bunny has stolen said eggs. Peter leaves so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his pet caterpillar crying cold and alone on the sidewalk below. As Irontail tries to get away, Santa Claus uses his festive Christmas sleigh as a weapon, knocking his flying monkey-bat creature out of the sky. Peter recovers the eggs and continues on his journey. He makes a side trip to Valentine’s World and ice skates with a girl bunny. They sing a song about how they are going to love each other for just one day. It looks like there is about to be some serious rabbit-on-rabbit action when unbeknownst to them, Irontail show up to sabotage the eggs!! He wants to stop Peter from giving the eggs away once and for all and the best way he can think of to do this is to turn them completely green. It is unclear whether Irontail is aware of just how easily eggs can be smashed, but I guess that’s not important. In the aftermath, Peter offers his foxy lady a green egg, and just like that the relationship is over. She begins crying because I guess green eggs are a terrible insult to her people. He leaves yet another unfinished storyline in his wake and heads off to St. Patrick’s Day Land. While no one else in all of time and space wanted his eleven-month old eggs, they sell like hotcakes in St Patrick’s day Land because as you know the Irish will eat anything. I hoped that in this part of the film they would take the opportunity to explain the connection between hard-boiled eggs and beer to me but I was horribly disappointed. So he dumps the eggs, returns home to rule over April Meadows, and I don’t remember exactly but I’m pretty sure they publicly-executed Irontail. And as we have all apparently been waiting for, the French caterpillar returns as a butterfly!

As crazy and mixed up as this movie is I do have to say that it is one of my favorite Rankin/Bass Cartoons, if for no other reason than the fact that it can be described as; Shaggy, a bug and a talking hat use the power of Saint Patrick’s Day to battle an evil, physically-disabled rabbit for control of Easter! You might ask, “Did people actually like this? What does it have to do with Easter? Why did they have to incorporate so many other Holidays?”

...Who cares as long as I can give away these eggs!