Radio Free Werewolf

Our Loyal Fans, Fellow Coo~Coo Cola Cult Members, Sick And Twisted Internet Fiends:

It is finally here.

Radio Free Werewolf! 

That lovely little mic banner on the right side of your screen will take you to our newest addition to the wacky, wild and woolly world of Claymation Werewolf! You've read CW's blogs and marveled at his witty illustrations! Now tremble in fear as he hijacks your airwaves... or Internet waves..... whatever.

Yes~! Tis true! Now you too can enjoy the dulcet tones of our very own Claymation Werewolf;
(And occasionally me, phishbon3s) as CW and I quest host on several awesome podcasts! And will be regular guests on McCoy Cast's 80's Anthologies: Episode By Episode.

So sit back, relax and enjoy a little howling from CW and friends!


~phishbon3s

Claymation Werewolf hits the airwaves again!

Claymation Werewolf (a.k.a. “Rhett Khan”) joins Eclectik and Classick of the Cold Slither Podcast and Later in the show, J.D., one half of the General Geekery Cast, for lively discussion of The Disney Afternoon!


This makes the 2nd podcast appearance of my crazy boss on Cold Slither Podcast! (Or on any podcast for that matter)


Check it out.... It's the Disney Afternoooooon!



Episode 33: Slither Adventures – ‘The Disney Afternoon’ show




~Phishbon3s

Wild Shot! Ugly Shot! My adventures in NBA Jam!

First posted on May 28th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          My life has always carried with it one continuous theme. My love for things that I happen to be a failure at. The list is practically endless…

          Wanted to be in a band in high school but I had no musical talent (it turns out steering wheel drumming isn’t enough…) so my friends and I would just declare that we had a band, give it a name, maybe make a cool logo and then occasionally hang out and listen to music! All in all, I suppose it was a pretty sweet setup!

          Wanted to be a skateboarder. I mean, I listened to alternative rock and sometimes ska. It seemed logical that I would be good at kick-flips and ollies and…umm…other skateboard moves…? Besides Max and PJ made it all look so easy on Goof Troop I was absolutely sure if I built a half pipe in the backyard id be doing that sweet move where you roll down one side, up the other hold the skateboard up in the air then put it back under your feet and roll back down! Not only could I not skateboard to accompany my grunge music listening, I couldn’t even play hacky sack! I was a terrible hippie grunge kid!

Among some of the other things I seem to be incapable of are:

• Carrying on a phone conversation without sounding like an idiot. (I’ve done a lot of stage acting and public speaking with no problems. I get terrible stage fright on the phone. I once worked in customer service. It was a total nightmare)
• Playing chess
• Learning a card game…any card game
• Figuring out the rules to RPG’s It’s supposed to just be cool fantasy stories and neat monsters. Not hobbit math problems!

          Haha! Well, I could go on forever talking about things I’m not good at (and cry myself to sleep…again) but I’ve really only come here today to talk about one thing. Basketball.

          I was into basketball or “Ballin” or “Hoops” or “B-Ball” or “That game I don’t know how to play” Don’t get me wrong, I can shoot and I was a fairly decent shot, but that’s about where it ended. When I would hang out with friends I would ask if they wanted to “shoot around” which was, for me, another way of saying; “Hey buddy! I’m clumsy, slow and about three apples high so let’s play basketball in a way that won’t highlight the many physical and talent-based disadvantages that I have!”

          Back in the day, I even had a favorite team! And that team was The Charlotte Hornets.

I loved the Hornets for the obvious reasons that all other sports fan guys did. What? No. Who are Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson? No, I like them because they had a cool color scheme and the team logo (which I loved) was drawn by Cheryl Henson Daughter of the Late Great Jim Henson (Pictured here with Carrol Spinney, puppeteer of Oscar the Grouch)

I’m a huge Henson fan and a sucker for a good cartoon mascot…not to mention the fact that I look great in turquoise and purple. That isn’t why everyone else like Charlotte? Well, anyway, I had lots of merchandise; Hornets shirts (even a sweet Looney Tunes shirt!)…

          … a couple caps, even Charlotte Hornets Pencils!
          My favorite way to enjoy basketball was to lead my team: Muggsy Bogues, Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson into the brazen basketball battle known as NBA Jamjamjamjamjam! Tournament Edition!

          When I say “lead” my team, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. While I was bad at playing basketball, I absolutely SUCKED at NBA Jam! When I think back on the countless full court brawls between my Hornets and The Dallas Mavericks (the first team in the lineup) I would play for hours, occasionally I would be “heating up” and sometimes even “on fire!” But I would never beat the Mavericks…I started to wonder maybe this was some kind of goofy backwards game where they actually make you play the hardest team first. I couldn’t beat them to save my own life even if I used The Cheat Code to play as Hugo Hornet!!

          The audience was always incredibly polite. Only cheering at the appropriate times (boomshackalacka for instance). The rest of the time they would sit in complete (and sometimes uncomfortable) silence, sitting in their seats raising and lowering their fists, often in a very inappropriately looking way… The stadium was so quiet you could hear everything on the court from the swooshing sound that a player’s arms make when he moves the ball to the sound of feet squeaking on the court (which always sounded like crickets to me). Yeah the fans were polite, which was more than I could say for the Dallas Mavericks. Those guys were outrageous! I would try to make a shot and they would jump up and keep the ball (or, “rock”) from going in the hoop (or, “hoop”). They would take the ball from me while I was trying to dribble down the court! Sometimes when I tried to see if I could get the ball from them they would swing their elbows around and knock me down!! On purpose! The ref never called any of it and they didn’t even take it easy on me when I was Bill Clinton!

          I’ve been meaning to try to start brushing up on NBA Jam again and it’s gonna be different this time! Finally I’ll be good at the game, maybe take up basketball again too! Real basketball! After that it’s a matter of time before I possess all the skills that have always eluded me!

          As far as The Charlotte Hornets? I’ve never stopped being a loyal fan. Every year I follow their every game and cheer them on to success! What? They Did?….New Orleans? The Bobcats? Damn it! Oh well…

          See ya next time everybody! Razzle Dazzle!!!!

National Puppet Radio Interviews Super Grover

First posted on May 13th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          These days everyone is talking about heroes. Everything from powerless real world vigilantes, to big budget comic book superheroes, on the big screen. The costumed crusader is all the rage in America. But what about those that fall into the gray area? Heroes who are actually out there, on the streets making a difference and doing so with powers that most people consider the stuff of fantasy!

          Today I have been given unprecedented access to one such, real life super hero; that champion of Metro City, Super Grover. Reporting for National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

          After about an hour of Super Grover trying to assist me with things like crossing the street and buying a gallon of milk (all of which he did shockingly wrong) I was finally able to convince him that I was a reporter. The reporter. The one that spoke to him on the phone earlier…about the interview that I was trying to do. He stared at me in silence for about 5 minutes before he finally “got it” but after he did we were on our way.

          I ask him to explain a little bit about what he does…what it’s like to be a superhero

          “Well, you never really get used to it…the random interactions, the constant cries for help…even getting the strength to run through my paper logo every day, can really take it out of you. And in between everything else I have to make time occasionally to fight for truth, justice and the furry blue monster way!”

          “Every day, every night I patrol, handing out my own kind of justice to bad manners, forgetfulness and confusion whenever they make the mistake of crossing my path.”

          I tell him how much I admire his desire to help those around him…to overcome these problems.

          “No, no my friend. You see, this is not your precious real world, with it’s metaphors and abstract concepts. That is not how things work out here on the mean streets of PBS. What I mean is that hideous, monstrous, living embodiments of these things are out there; threatening to attack the proud citizens of Metro City and I, Super Grover! Am the only one who can stop them!”

          “The life of a sentry is not an easy one….even for someone as vigilant, fearless, ruthless and adorably furry and blue as me! This helmet isn’t just for looks kid. There have been nights when I absolutely got the stuffing beaten out of me, but I always won in the end. Justice…has to win.”

          I suggest that instead of speaking into the electric meter, talking into the microphone that I’m holding might allow him to be heard more clearly you know when he’s on the radio.

          Super Grover seemed taken aback. “You mean I, Super Grover! Am going to be on the radio??”

          I once again, explain to him that yes millions of people are excitedly waiting for him to be on the radio.

          “But you see this is quite impossible. There is no way that I could be on the radio, I am much to large and the radio would surely become broken…I could not live with myself if I broke your radio, and with so many people watching.”

          I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose in a classic (and hilarious) straight-man reaction shot.

          The rest of the interview continued on in this fashion and slowly I began to realize that this hero might not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Sure, we all owe him a debt of gratitude for his long public service and the responsible way that he roughs up two-bit thugs on a regular basis, but in terms of an interview he might not be what this reporter was looking for. After all, everyone knows that public radio and public television is staffed with nothing but the smartest and most sophisticated members of society and the people we feature need to be of that caliber.

          Snapping to attention Super Grover suddenly pointed behind me, shouting, “What is that! Why it is a giant, talking lobster!!”

          I quickly turned scanning the skyline in an attempt to spot the creepy crustacean but it was no use. Try as I might, I couldn’t see it anywhere. And when I turned around the super powered Muppet was gone. In his place was mild mannered, ace doorknob salesman Grover Kent a very un heroic furry blue monster, different from Super Grover in every possible way.

          And so, after buying a large order of doorknobs (he really was quite the salesman) I began to make my way home, proud to have been able to meet a hero such as Super Grover. And it is a comfort to know that somewhere out there, he watches…ever ready to spot crime and to stop it. Making the streets just a little bit safer for the rest of us. Unlike Grover Kent, who, when last I saw him was trying to sell doorknobs to a phone booth. What a weirdo.

          For National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

Ram-Man and Shadow Weaver makes a Cosplay Splash at Pittsburgh Comicon

First posted on May 2, 2012 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

This week I decided to do something a little different. Rather than review a cartoon, I want to present to you a time that I recently became one. As some of you know I attend the Pittsburgh Comicon every year and (thanks to my darling, cosplay loving wife Leslie aka PhishBon3s) I usually go in costume.
This year I had a spark of inspiration! Given that there aren’t a ton of hero types for a teapot kinda guy like myself (short and stout) one character finally dawned on me. One of my favorite (if dim-witted) heroes of the Masters of the Universe and one of the most controversial toys in the classic MOTU line; Ram-Man!

My darling wife spent months working and slaving over sewing machines and hot glue guns. We made more trips than I would like to remember, to Jo-Ann Fabrics (I should really win some kind of medal of honor for the amount of fabric cutting lines I had to stand in).

Leslie brilliantly chronicles the good natured “can-do” spirit that I maintained through the process, in this hilarious comic:


After all was said and done I really enjoyed dressing up like Ram-Man (a character I was BORN to play), I even like putting on the armor during the fittings!



Leslie portrayed the dark and mysterious villainess, Shadow Weaver (I’ve always had a thing for the bad girls) and she took to the project immediately.

Finally the costumes were done and we set out on our trip to the beautiful city of Pittsburgh, PA. The drive was peaceful and we even saw a fox on the way there! We arrived and got dressed in a parking lot (pretty normal for me actually, clothes are for squares) and entered the convention. After stepping into the con, we made a bee-line for the pamplet table and left a stack of Retroist newsletters, CW windowclings and magnets; all of which were scooped up quickly. Thankfully we kept restocking it throughout the day!

Immediately we got a lot of attention. People where overjoyed that among the latest and greatest in comic book and pop culture nerdery they got to see some characters straight out of their childhood! (Somebody really oughta create a website to capitalize on this nostalgia thing)

While most people called Leslie Orko…Orko! ….enough times to depress any dark sorceress.



…She made an immediate friend in a kindred spirit named Sarah Jane. Sarah turned out to be a huge fan of the old She-Ra cartoons. She had herself cosplayed previously as Catra and recognized Shadow Weaver immediately. The two hit it off immediately



(Sarah was also in an amazing throwback costume, brilliantly portraying the devious, whip-wielding villainess Cat Woman!)



Already plans have been made between the two of them to coordinate a future convention appearance together. Cosplay world, look out!

As you can probably tell from the photograph; Leslie went the extra mile with her costume, not only making Shadow Weaver’s eyes actually glow, she created several eye plates that could be quickly replaced to show a wide range of emotions!

We met a ton of great people at the convention (sadly I didn’t think to exchange contact info with any of them) A wonderful couple that each posed for a picture with us separately and a great Green Lantern!


The con was a huge success. We even won second place in the “group” contest against some amazing competition. We had never even planned on entering the contest and only did, after the third time that someone wished us luck in it!



So that’s about it; we left the convention feeling great, made some new friends and saw a lot of great merchandise and costumes. I picked up a few great dvd sets from my childhood and even the drive home was lovely! (We saw a coyote on the way home…weird!)

The Pittsburgh Comicon was and always is a great time! I’m already looking forward to next years trip (I have no idea what kind of costume project my Mrs has planned for me.) Nevertheless, you should really check out this convention and if you wanna meet up, get in touch with me! I’d love to meet you. And also feel free to contact me if we actually did meet this year.

Until next time, stay retro friends!

Earth Day with the Planeteers

First posted on April 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

My Dearest Elizabeth,

Hiya, babes.

How is everything on the home front? Work has been goin’ steady but I already miss you and da kids terrible. Knowing that I’m gonna provide the money to help give all a'ya a better life is what keeps me going. So far this job has been a bit of a mixed blessing. Don’t get me wrong, the pay is great (why else would I have moved half way around the world for a job). The scenery is nice out here and the work is hard but fulfilling. Also my boss, Looten Plunder, has been great. He bends over backwards to create an open and rewarding work environment. It really is pretty rare these days to find a successful business man who really seems to care about his employees.

As anybody on this jobsite will tell you there are really only three things that have been bringing down moral on this job.

The heat… the bugs… and the Planeteers.

I don’t know if I mentioned them in my last letter but they are a weird, confused group’a kids. We got environmental protesters back in the states but the folks are in a league all of their own! And it’s pointless; Mr. Plunder runs one of the most environmentally-conscious companies I’ve ever seen! Everything has to be done by the book; we can’t even leave a plant outta place! Not to mention da fact that Mr. Plunder himself donates thousands a dollars a year to the preservation of nature.

But these goofy kids don’t leave us alone for a minute! Talking about the atrocities we’ve committed against the planet…. the plants and animals and mother nature in general. I honestly think they protest because we’re a big company and we work outside. Speaking of Mother Nature, she’s here too! This middle-aged lady that looks to be about 40 but sounds somewhere around 60! She’s like the ring leader of the group and for some reason walks around in a toga all da time. She’s beautiful, except for the ridiculous outfit; so it's pretty weird when she opens her mouth, she sounds like Whoopi Goldberg! Ha ha! I’m guessing she’s a pretty heavy smoker, at least a pack a day which is funny because she’s one of the most judgmental sanctimonious broads I’ve ever come across.

But enough about Whoopi Crazyberg; I gotta tell you more about these dumb Planetteer kids. They got this club or something and they all wear these matching t-shirts. They take their orders from the Mother Nature lady and they will not leave us alone…if it isn’t the rapping (yeah they rap… long story), they’re using their magic rings on us. Did I mention the rings? Yeah, see all these kids got these rings from the Whoopi Goldberg lady and they think the rings give 'em magic powers. One of them is fire, one is water and so on… so they think they can harness the elements and end our brutal attacks on nature.

The way it usually works is that they point one of their rings at us and then trick themselves into thinking it accomplished something. The other day I was taking some soil readings to find out the ore concentrations on some rocks we removed and this red-headed kid runs up and says “Time to warm this party up…Fire!” and then he takes out a butane lighter and a can of hairspray and catches the interior of my jeep on fire! It caused 13k in damage and extended my workday about three hours. It was a real shame. I loved that jeep.

The other day we were constructing a school for the local underprivileged children when "the Planeteers” struck again; they kept sabotaging our construction. This Asian chick grabs one of our irrigation hoses and starts spraying down the whole crew shouting “Water Water Water!” in her Japanese accent. (They all talk in strong accents like they’re gathered from across the globe, though I’ve heard them talk in private and they're all clearly from Brooklyn…I’m telling you, these kids are real oddballs). Anywho the planet-weirdos decide we pose too much of a threat and they decide to call their “secret weapon”, they gather in a circle point their rings in the air and take turns shouting out their elements (I seriously think there might be drugs involved here).

Then this guy who was hiding (very badly) under a blanket on the backseat of their van. So he throws the blanket aside jumps up and runs out (tripping a couple times) and yells “By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”. Then he just started running around the construction site. If it wasn’t so irritating, it woulda been hilarious! The dude is wearing shiny silver spandex, red gloves and boots and a bright green mullet! So this guy's acting like a huge spacecase (he’s supposed to be the combined power of everybody I guess). While the security team was trying to subdue him, he ran into a ladder, knocked a bucket of paint over and some paint splashes on his arm. This guy sees that paint got on him and he starts screaming like a woman, then he staggers and falls to the ground as if he got poisoned. After that, all the teens scrambled into the van and peeled out. We're trying to get “Captain Planet” the help he needs…

I really hope the project gets back on track. School is supposed to start in about 3 months and those kids haven’t been given too much in their lives… it could really change the face of the community.
So anyway babe, I hope everything is going great at home. Give my best to Hyacinth, Richard and everybody. I hope to be coming home to you sometime in the next few months. I just have to earn enough money to get Junior that personality transplant surgery and maybe get us enough for the down payment on the nice little place in the country. All of this is worth it to change our lives, even putting up with those environmental lunatic kids and their theme song! (I really can’t begin to tell you how bad the rapping is.)

Anyway, I better get back to work. I’ve heard there’s this new kid called Ma-ti who just joined the crew. His element is "heart".

Really. "Heart".

He points his ring at you, yell’s “Heart!” and nothing at all happens… I don’t think they put any time into figuring out what his power was actually supposed to be. I swear, these kids are gonna drive me to drinking.

As always, my dear, remember… the power is yours.
I love you.


Your Husband,
              Argos Bleak

Muppet Inception

First posted on April 16th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

The year was 1984. Big Brother was watching over all of us…but what I want to know is…what were WE watching? Speaking for myself, I was a wolf pup of a mere three years old when the new bread of television programming arrived in September of ‘84.

Using a patented pop-culture research method, I have spent years cultivating I have found a way to literally look back in time to an age when TV was simpler. When fashion was much more corduroy and when people broke records, selling records. The year of Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-Four.

Scroll down after the jump to read more and to listen to this week’s episode!

As I started to dig, I soon realized that the answers I found were more amazing than I could have possibly imagined! 1984 it would seem, was a year when the television industry was ready to take risks. Maybe it was the fact that they thought the dystopian future of George Orwell had finally arrived or maybe they had just realized that human civilization had finally reached its height and they wanted to make the most of it. Either way, we were given gifts like cartoon blocks introduced by music mogul Weird Al Yankovic! We had cartoons about wrestlers! TV shows about helicopters… Sitcoms about wrestling helicopters? Strangest of all someone was finally brave enough to air a show about two middle-aged women with kids, living in the 80′s, cooking dinner and having jobs!

But rather than try to put my spin on such an amazing era of televised programming, I’ll let this historic artifact speak for itself!

(Check out the Claymation-style TV listings, see if you can spot any Easter eggs! – Ed.)

Paul Bearer Untold Tales…From The Grave

First posted on April 2th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          As long time readers will attest, I am a pop culture journalist of high repute. But aside from cartoons, toy and movies; I would have to say that what I’m most known for, is my hard hitting Professional Wrestling posts. In my countless years covering the world of Wrestling, I’ve created a grand total of (1) article. Which I’m sure you’ll agree, is quite a library.

          It was during the research toward this Wrestling library, that I stumbled upon a character that would change my life forever. His name was Paul Bearer and as soon as I saw his work I became mesmerized. Rising above the silly and too often, fake looking world of wrestling, Mr. Bearer carried himself with an otherworldly charm and style rarely ever seen in the world of entertainment. His power over the audience was almost palpable and I knew instantly that he must be more than just a wrestling manager. After a couple of hours of research on the subject, I soon realized that I had no idea just how right I was.

          The story of Paul Bearer is as twisted and awe-inspiring as the man himself. It is this story that I bring you today: Paul Bearer. Untold tales…of the grave! As nobody quite knows when Bearer was born, finding any kind of real personal history of the man is next to impossible. When asked about his fathers age, his son Stanley “Kane” Bearer had this to say; “Who cares about the earthly date of birth, I am a monster! Born in flames, twisted and sent upon this path from which there is no turning back! Etc… But everyone agrees that Paul Bearer has been around for a very long time. Throughout his career he has been a constant spooky presence in the public eye. Much to the delight of weirdoes (such as myself) for generations.
Though he has appeared in photographs dating back as far as 1914. The earliest evidence of his career begins in the pages of a comic book entitled “Tales from the Ring” written by famed horror novelist Daniel Th1rt3en and illustrated by the mysterious Sean Hartter,

Art By Daniel Th1rte3n and Sean Hartter

the comic, which featured the menacing “fictional” character Paul Bearer, leading captivated readers down a labyrinthine trail of malicious macabre to the “13th Ring of Hell“. Each issue was presented as an actual story from Bearer’s life and usually centered around a haunting tale of revenge. Forces of light and darkness pitted against each other, over a background of supernatural power. The comics were filled with hauntingly morbid illustrations, terrifying storylines and gruesome acts of violence.

          Each comic also featured a hilarious comic strip featuring “Spooky the Goofy Ghost.”

          Following the institution of the awesome and powerful Comics Code Authority publication of Untold Tales From The Grave was brought to an immediate halt (mostly do to the extreme levels of adorable humor contained in Spooky the Goofy Ghost. Little was heard from Mr. Bearer in the following 8 years aside from the occasional “Peculiar Paul‘s Paranormal Tunes” records full of novelty songs, spooky sound effects and ghastly stories told by Paul Bearer himself. The records had a huge cult following and eventually led to his return to the spotlight this time on television!

          Paul Bearer’s B-movie Burial Ground was a late night Horror host show, running from 1960-1975 and featured the Haunting Mr. Bearer as host for “and evening of otherworldly entertainment sure to make your Saturday night…a sleepless one” The character Paul played was that of a morbid funeral director who loved his job…a little too much. Amid a set full of coffins, funeral bouquets and tombstones, he would interweave a series of disturbing but hilarious skits between segments of that weeks example of sinister cinema. The films themselves were very edgy for their time. Much more intense than the average shock cinema of the 60’s the plots were incredible and the special effects and production value were of a much higher caliber than they had any right to be. Strangest of all, was the fact that the movies never appeared anywhere but Paul Bearer’s B-Movie Burial Ground. No one ever took credit for creating them, they never appeared in theatres and were never seen after their episode aired. For these reasons, The B-Movie Burial Ground was one of the most popular shows on television and teenagers would be sure to leave make-out point early every Saturday night so they wouldn’t miss a single minute. At the closing of each episode Bearer would make his famous closing speech;
"And now, my compassionate crowd, it is once again time for me to dearly depart. But have no fear, I’ve already begun digging up next weeks frightfully fun film! I’m sure every one of you will return next week to see what’s next from the movie morgue. And to those that don’t return…I might be digging you up even sooner. Good Night!"

          Despite being at the height of it’s ratings, the B-Movie Burial Ground ended suddenly and without explanation on October 14th of 1975. It was said by some that the paranormal funeral director had actually begun to practice the dark arts. Others even suggested that he had always been possessed by a supernatural force and had simply created characters in an attempt to gather a following all the while, hiding the truth in plain sight.

          In 1991 all those suspicious were proven horrifyingly correct when Paul Bearer once again returned to television this time, with all facades of being an “entertainer” gone. Along with an urn apparently possessing incalculable power the deranged funeral director controlled one of the most unstoppable forces in gladiatorial combat that the world has ever known. The walking corpse known as the undertaker. Paul Bearer horrified and delighted audiences with his fearsome power over his dark protégé. While The Undertaker stormed through his victims with a corpse like fierceness not seen since Solomon Grundy was in his prime. Benefiting from the WWF’s longtime rule against “using the dark arts in a monstrous display of power to destroy all who would stand against you” The phenomenon known as the Undertaker jumped almost immediately to the top of the World Wrestling ranks and Paul Bearer became one of the most legendary managers in wrestling history. His power extended it’s reach from the Undertaker to Vader, the psychotic maniac Man Kind and even the brutal Red Monster…his own son Kane. Bearer used these dominating gladiators as pawns in a game of which only he knew the rules. Playing out an age old drama pitting the forces of evil against…the other forces of evil. In 2010, Paul Bearer once again slipped away from the public eye leaving the dark and monstrous forces he set in motion, in total chaos.

          No one knows why Bearer chose to leave a place in which he seemed to at home but everyone agree that his reasons are probably not something that the world is ready for. As each new incarnation of Paul Bearer is more powerful and more gruesome than the last, we can only live in constant fear of what Paul Bearer will next become…and who among us will be his next victims.

          Will he return?
         
          …
          Ohhh yyyes!

Moron Madness Part 2! The Foolish Four

First posted on March 28th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

 Coverage has been intense for this years Moron Madness and I’m sure all the idiots in the contest would like to thank each and every one of you for cheering on your favorite dolt. While not everyone can be a champion all of our competitors are shamefully stupid in their own unique and wonderful ways. Now without any further pomp and circumstance I present part two of Claymation Werewolf’s Moron Madness Tournament!

Balki vs. Joey

There has been a lot of trash talk between these two highly trained competitors throughout this entire tournament and tonight, the rivalry was settled once and for all.

Joey’s opening volley of stupidity and confusion was truly breathtaking. Balki countered with idiocy of his own, paired with an astounding misunderstanding about how the world worked. Hurling insults that didn’t even make sense in his home country, Balki began to show the crowd why this simple, hometown boy from Mypos, was in the foolish four.

Midway through the game, Joey became distracted by his adoring female fans and the reporters from Tiger Beat and Seventeen Magazine. The young athlete began smiling and mugging for the crowd. Striking poses and trying to be cool he completely lost track of his idiot roots pulling what they refer to in the sport as an “Eddie Winslow.”

By the end of the third quarter he was desperately behind in points and started erratically throwing out “Whoa!” and “Whoa!” but it was no use Balki Bartokomous walks over Joey Russo like a sheep herder over a pile of mud.

 124-73 Balki advances to the “Chump”ionship

Dauber vs. Rose

The battle that everyone in the Midwest has been eagerly anticipating; the famed “War of Minnesota!” Both contestants came out strong Rose misunderstanding the referee’s opening instructions which resulted in hilarious wacky hijinks. Dauber countered with his trademark vacant stare and battle cry of “Uhhhh”

Rose began to work the finesse, tying in pointless stories with confused dumb blonde moments and self deprecating humor but Dauber was ready. Using his 9 years as a college athlete paired with his year as a coaches assistant; he quickly put together an amazing competitive strategy sure to completely turn the tides of the match!

Upon doing this he was immediately disqualified for excessive forethought and logic and Rose Walks away with the victory.

 88-68 Rose Nylund advances to the “Chump”ionship

Balki vs. Rose

Long-time followers of sitcom showdowns knew very well that this tournament was never going to end any other way than a showdown between Rose Nylund and Balki Bartokomous. These two masters of imbecilic endeavors steamrolled over everyone they faced and today, it all comes down to this. Their careers seem to rival each other as though it were scripted; both are fishes out of water, both have wacky and unbelievable tales of a strange, far away land. And both drive their roommates up the wall! Sadly, only one can walk away as the National Moron Madness “Chump”ion.

The game got off to an exciting start with both dimwits playing their hearts out. They met each other at every turn. Rose became confused by something, Balki Became more confused… Baki told a nonsense story about herding goats in Mypos…Rose told a nonsense story about owning a cow farm in St Olaf. Balki performed a classic misunderstanding of our American Culture and Rose was right there with a horrifying Viking Fish meal with an unpronounceable name! with 2 minutes left on the clock and Rose Nylund ahead by five points, a hush fell over the crowd. Balki put on a ridiculous looking outfit and Rose called a time out.

Upon returning to the court, with Balki behind by one point, the unthinkable happened. Out of nowhere, Rose began to soberly and with uncharacteristically intelligence deal with a serious social issue of the 80’s. As a result of this horrible slip-up, Balki was able to steal the momentum and drive down the court performing the greatest three point, “Don’t be ridiculous” of his career. The final buzzer blasts and Balki Bartokomous becomes the first Moron Madness “Chumpion!”

 89-87 Balki wins. (Final)

Despite the years I’ve spent as a famous sitcom athletic announcer, I never quite know how to sum up these moments of greatness. These great moments that bring joy to the hearts of a nation and inspire future generations of stupid sitcom stars. While I may not have the words to express the joy that we all feel in these moments, maybe…just maybe there are no need for words. I think it’s best to let our “Chump”ion celebrate in his own way…

The Dance of Joy!!!