National Puppet Radio Interviews Super Grover

First posted on May 13th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          These days everyone is talking about heroes. Everything from powerless real world vigilantes, to big budget comic book superheroes, on the big screen. The costumed crusader is all the rage in America. But what about those that fall into the gray area? Heroes who are actually out there, on the streets making a difference and doing so with powers that most people consider the stuff of fantasy!

          Today I have been given unprecedented access to one such, real life super hero; that champion of Metro City, Super Grover. Reporting for National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

          After about an hour of Super Grover trying to assist me with things like crossing the street and buying a gallon of milk (all of which he did shockingly wrong) I was finally able to convince him that I was a reporter. The reporter. The one that spoke to him on the phone earlier…about the interview that I was trying to do. He stared at me in silence for about 5 minutes before he finally “got it” but after he did we were on our way.

          I ask him to explain a little bit about what he does…what it’s like to be a superhero

          “Well, you never really get used to it…the random interactions, the constant cries for help…even getting the strength to run through my paper logo every day, can really take it out of you. And in between everything else I have to make time occasionally to fight for truth, justice and the furry blue monster way!”

          “Every day, every night I patrol, handing out my own kind of justice to bad manners, forgetfulness and confusion whenever they make the mistake of crossing my path.”

          I tell him how much I admire his desire to help those around him…to overcome these problems.

          “No, no my friend. You see, this is not your precious real world, with it’s metaphors and abstract concepts. That is not how things work out here on the mean streets of PBS. What I mean is that hideous, monstrous, living embodiments of these things are out there; threatening to attack the proud citizens of Metro City and I, Super Grover! Am the only one who can stop them!”

          “The life of a sentry is not an easy one….even for someone as vigilant, fearless, ruthless and adorably furry and blue as me! This helmet isn’t just for looks kid. There have been nights when I absolutely got the stuffing beaten out of me, but I always won in the end. Justice…has to win.”

          I suggest that instead of speaking into the electric meter, talking into the microphone that I’m holding might allow him to be heard more clearly you know when he’s on the radio.

          Super Grover seemed taken aback. “You mean I, Super Grover! Am going to be on the radio??”

          I once again, explain to him that yes millions of people are excitedly waiting for him to be on the radio.

          “But you see this is quite impossible. There is no way that I could be on the radio, I am much to large and the radio would surely become broken…I could not live with myself if I broke your radio, and with so many people watching.”

          I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose in a classic (and hilarious) straight-man reaction shot.

          The rest of the interview continued on in this fashion and slowly I began to realize that this hero might not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Sure, we all owe him a debt of gratitude for his long public service and the responsible way that he roughs up two-bit thugs on a regular basis, but in terms of an interview he might not be what this reporter was looking for. After all, everyone knows that public radio and public television is staffed with nothing but the smartest and most sophisticated members of society and the people we feature need to be of that caliber.

          Snapping to attention Super Grover suddenly pointed behind me, shouting, “What is that! Why it is a giant, talking lobster!!”

          I quickly turned scanning the skyline in an attempt to spot the creepy crustacean but it was no use. Try as I might, I couldn’t see it anywhere. And when I turned around the super powered Muppet was gone. In his place was mild mannered, ace doorknob salesman Grover Kent a very un heroic furry blue monster, different from Super Grover in every possible way.

          And so, after buying a large order of doorknobs (he really was quite the salesman) I began to make my way home, proud to have been able to meet a hero such as Super Grover. And it is a comfort to know that somewhere out there, he watches…ever ready to spot crime and to stop it. Making the streets just a little bit safer for the rest of us. Unlike Grover Kent, who, when last I saw him was trying to sell doorknobs to a phone booth. What a weirdo.

          For National Puppet Radio, I’m Rhett Kahn.

Cloudy With a Chance of Purple Rain

First posted on February 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

Of all the tiny, effeminate, African-American mainstream pop culture mega-stars of the 1980’s and 90’s, few drew as many comparisons as Prince and Michael Jackson. For me however there was never any comparison. As a kid I was a huge Michael Jackson fan, in fact, Thriller was one of the first three albums I ever owned. I have distinct memories of listening to that record, especially the title track and especially the Vincent Price part

But it was so much more than a record. The video was like a miniature horror movie with pop music. It was epic! I remember the disclaimer in the beginning with Michael’s declaration that the video was just for fun and he didn’t believe in the occult and was neither a zombie or a werewolf…or something like that. After all, the last thing Michael Jackson would ever have wanted to do was develop a negative public reputation. I even remember standing in a department store (probably Service Merchandise) in front of a wall of TVs, playing Thriller’s behind the scenes featurette. It demonstrated the makeup choreography and everything else that went into making such a groundbreaking music video.


The reason I never compared the two as a kid is that I didn’t even have any idea who Prince even was. Apparently, for some reason my parents thought that songs like “Darling Nikki” and “Erotic City” weren’t suitable for their kid to listen to! That being the case, my knowledge of the music and career of Prince has been sadly lacking…until now. Through my assigned research for the Cold Slither Podcast, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about the life and times of the royalty turned pop star Prince Albertinican.

The son of King Albertinican ruling monarch of all of Purpletopia, was always a little…different. He never showed much interest in his training and would sometimes skip his royal classes all together. At times it seemed as though he didn’t even want to be groomed to eventually rule Purpletopia, and truth be told he didn’t. His love above everything else, was music. He traveled to the Americas to pursue musical training causing outrage among the noble class of his country. The scandal eventually forced his father to public disown the young prince and remove all royal titles.


Meanwhile the Prince who now had begun to defiantly use Prince as his stage title had started to make quite a name for himself in the United States pop music scene. Capitalizing on Americas love of shirtlessness, his music videos were constantly at the top of whatever list measures the success of music videos! It looked as though this dishonored prince would rule after all. There was only one thing standing in his way. It seemed that in the United States, pop music already had royalty…it had a king named Michael Jackson.

It seemed that with every move Prince Made, that dastardly Jackson was one step ahead of him. Prince wrote a hit song, Michael wrote a mega hit! Prince got a sweet endorsement deal with the RC Cola Soda-Pop company and Michael Jackson gets an even better deal with Pepsi. Prince sets the hearts of millions of teenage girls on fire. Michael sets his hair on fire! It seemed there was nothing he could do to get the better of MJ. Then one weekend in an RC Cola (he had a lifetime supply) -fueled eruption of creativity Prince created one of the most staggeringly triumphant records to ever get into the unworthy hands of Mr. and Mrs. America. That album had everything the hits just kept coming.


The world held it’s breath to see how Jackson would respond. And respond he did. Thriller, as an album sold mildly the darker turn in the lyrics put some people off and nearly everyone was afraid of tiger cubs

What put Michael Jackson’s Thriller over the top was the music video for the title track. America suddenly had Thriller-mania and even Prince’s constant lack of shirts where not enough to help his video steal any of Michael Jackson’s thunder.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was everything in the 80's.

What Prince needed was a huge overproduced special effects music video extravaganza of his own! He needed a signature purple rain video. It would have supernatural elements but no monsters. Monsters were played out already. And besides, it was common knowledge that prince was deathly afraid of the dark. What he needed was a “Prince” video full of flair…full of sex appeal…full of Prince.


Here was the pitch:

It opens with a shirtless (of course) Prince wearing only tight leather pants and an ascot. He is on a picnic date with three women on a beach. The women all of whom are for some reason barely covered by sheets, feed him grapes and dab the sweat from his brow with silk scarves.

He begins to ask them if they would all like to be his “steady girl” when suddenly storm clouds fill the air and the skies open up with a downpour of the most beautiful purple rain imaginable. Prince, realizing that the violet rain will trigger his transformation gets so upset that he has to fan himself with a paper plate.


Before the eyes of the horrified (and by horrified, I mean turned on) women his leather pants rip apart and his legs are replaced by a glistening purple mermaid tail. He crawls (seductively) to the ocean shore and disappears head on into a crashing wave. There was no huge constantly imitated dance sequence. In the Purple Rain Video, when Prince transformed into a Mer-Prince it mostly consisted of him playing a seashell guitar, singing sexy lyrics to dolphins and writhing inappropriately on a coral reef.

Under the sea he swims and swirls amid sparkling lights and brightly colored bubbles chasing mermaids who giggle and play hard to get. Eventually in a twist ending the women on the beach are able to turn themselves into mermaids as well through the sheer force of their sex-drive. And Mer-Prince and the 85 Mer-Loves of his life frolic into the distance, beneath the briny deep.


To the lucky few who saw the purple rain music video, it stands alone as one of the greatest triumphs of any performers career in the history of the world. Had it aired the video itself may have actually replaced music entirely, such was it’s majesty. People who saw only seconds of it we said to have wept with joy for weeks afterward.

In the end however, it turned out that the Studio President’s Father had been killed by a mermaid and the whole project was scrapped.

They decided to just make a feature length movie about a singer instead.

An Open Letter to the Owners Of Scooby.

First posted on February 19th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

I’m going to be completely honest here guys. This post is about Scooby Doo Where Are You? If you see this blog entry at all it’s going to be HEAVILY edited. Some of the things I say make some very powerful people, very unhappy. I once wrote a smear piece about The X-Men’s Cyclops and it never even saw the light of day.

The fact remains that I never liked Scooby-Doo. Sure, I watched it as a kid but I also wore spandex shorts, denim shoes and drank two gallons of Kool-Aid a day.


But don’t worry, I’m not going to spend this whole article ripping on a cartoon that many people hold dear as an important piece of childhood nostalgia. I want to try to promote a positive atmosphere…I want to bring the online geek world together, not tear them apart…I want to…keep my job. In spite of my strong sense of self preservation, I feel like it would be irresponsible for me not to speak my mind. Even on a subject as harshly polarizing as Scooby Doo and the Mystery Gang.


An OPEN LETTER TO WHOEVER THE HELL OWNS SCOOBY DOO NOW:


Dear Sir or Madame…or Ghost?

Your intellectual property Scooby Doo, is about to be featured in an episode of the Cold Slither Podcast. This will no doubt bring your little underground show to the big leagues and when that happens all of it’s little “flaws” are going to be exposed under the harsh light of The Cold Slither Nation. Since I am recognized world-wide as a powerful, pretend cartoon expert and in that capacity, I want to try to help you guys make this Scooby Doo thing take off. With the right direction it could develop into something on par with Captain Caveman or even JabberJaw!

Look…as sad as it might be, Don Knotts is gone. He isn’t going to be able to carry your show anymore. And since there is NO ONE around today that could be that caliber of guest star your going to have to try to be a little more creative.

Scooby Doo got some huge street-cred when they asked Batman to guest star. Why not open that up to the Batman of today? I’m sure that Christian Bale would lend his goofy, cookie monster voice to the show… Of course, he might beat up a couple members of your staff, but I’m telling you that it’s gonna bring in the fans!


The one thing that Scooby Doo has always done well is the supernatural angle.

Image by Alex Pardee

The kids today love horror…look at the popularity of True Blood and Monster Squad and uh…Lost Boys, okay some of those might not be current but my people tell me that there are some supernatural vampiry type shows that are just going gangbusters right now! The one mistake they always made was that the monster always ended up being Old Man Withers or something…wearing some kind of super realistic and incredibly flexible rubber mask. What the cartoon fans want today is real monsters! Real Danger! Evil! The Occult!

Here’s what I’m thinking: Bring in Guest Stars that are actual movie slashers! You could cross promote and brind a real edge to the show Picture it!


“A Scooby Doo Mystery…on Elm St.”

“The really New Scooby Doo Movies: The Mystery Gang Meets Leather Face!”

Image By Bingo Gastation

You might ultimately have to kill off one or two members of the Mystery Gang but who cares. Just kill Velma! After all that whole “I lost my glasses” gag wasn’t even funny the first time!


While I’m on the subject of improvement; not enough has been done in the past to capitalize on the amazing leaps in sandwich technology that Scooby Doo brought to the nation. We need to have at least 50 percent more sandwich scenes. The kids today love sandwiches. Both my little rugrats take the things to school damn near every day. And they are BORING. Peanut butter and jelly or maybe turkey and swiss. These sandwiches are small enough to fit in a lunchbox they don’t have whole wedges of cheese or entire fishes or a turkey drumstick or anything on them! Its like our youth has forgotten what it means wander (in a marijuana induced stupor) into a kitchen in a clearly abandoned, haunted house, raid the illogically well stocked ice box and pile everything you find in it between to slices of bread!

Here are some things that we don’t need:

While I wholly encourage your writers to “Bump up the weird” on this show. And no I don’t mean the kind of weird that we’ve been given in the most recent verstion of the cartoon. That was weird in a bad, uncomfortable kind of way. For instance; we don’t need a scene with Velma and Shaggy making out, Scooby catching them and then accusing Shaggy of “cheating on him”

I can also do without any more musical crossovers. It was fine when you could score top notch acts like The Mamas and the Papas, Jerry Reed or The Harlem Globetrotters; but if producers reached out to “musicians” today, who knows what we could end up with. I picture an animated, nightmare world full of terrible musical acts that are if anything less real than the cartoon they would be appearing on. If any of you were tossing around the idea of Scooby Doo meets: Lady Gaga…Justin bieber…or *shudders* The Insane Clown Possee…please! For the love of Scooby Snacks reconsider! After all were trying to raise a new generation of Scooby Doo fans. Not sending our children down a path so dark and hopeless there might be no escape!

If you don’t take these obvious steps to drag your cartoon out of it’s rut, then I don’t know what to tell you. Your wasting TV space, your wasting good animation and you’re wasting my time. I mean come on guys!

Zoinks!

Cold Slither Podcast. Origins

First posted on February 12th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

By now, everyone knows about the Cold Slither Podcast. Since their meteoric rise to internet stardom, their every move has been covered by websites and trade publications. While their legions of listeners know all about the show, it’s origins have always been shrouded in mystery…until now.

In this article, I will bring you the (completely unauthorized) origin stories of the hosts and history of The Cold Slither Podcast.

H Classick Material:

Millionaire, playboy philanthropist, Classick rose from his roots in the mean streets of the Brooklyn comic book retail world to become a self-made titan of industry. Not satisfied with his domination of the corporate world, he began to expand his interests into technology, specifically the manipulation of human minds. He soon left the safety of his office high atop the Manhattan skyline, to travel the country in secret, searching for talent with which he could build an army. He demanded absolute loyalty from those he recruited… Those who refused to join met with a terrible fate, in the company of the shadowy and feared arachnid canine creature known as Spider-Dog. With his soldiers, he began to mold the world into the kind of place that was fit to lead. While combing through ancient archives, Classick discovered the story of a rock band named Cold Slither who rose to fame using an advanced form of mass hypnosis.

They came close to world domination, eventually falling at the hands of GI Joe; A global terrorist organization. While a bigger fan of old school hip-hop than 80’s rock from Australia, he delighted in the potential. Through his experiments in the southern United States, he began to study the use of satellite technology on this mind control tech. In one attempt, he inadvertently brought a meteor to Earth destroying eight city blocks in the heart of Atlanta, Georgia. Eventually he perfected the technology and created Cold Slither Industries recruiting the finest minds in the geek cultural world. Alongside his international supermodel wife, he continues his plan for Cold Slither to rule the world.

Eclectik Relaxation:

Evil, monstrous dictator…cruel master of torture…track and field enthusiast! There are so many ways to describe Eclectik Relaxation (aka Mister Sin-E-ster, aka Skel-E-tor, aka Mag-E-to!). “E” Rose to power in the mid 1980’s. Ageless, heartless, and unstoppable. He is believed by many to be the one who actually killed Optimus Prime, Robin, and Superman. He decided to only break Batman’s back because he “kinda liked the whole creature-of-the-night angle.” Amassing a horde of blindly following minions, he systematically destroyed everyone who opposed him on his own insane quest to takeover the world. At the height of his power, he and his wife, the Baroness participated in the hostile takeover of COBRA, Extensive Enterprises and all of its subsidiaries. …unfortunately, in 2003 the bottom dropped out of the evil overlord market and his industry came crashing down. Trading in his dictatorial throne for an office, he joined forces with Classick Material. In a press release following his hire by Cold Slither, Eclectik vowed to do his best, as second-in-command to Classick. …in the time-honored tradition of his malevolent managerial mentor…Star Scream.

Tim Dogg 98:

Discovered during a meteor strike in the heart of Atlanta, GA in 1998. He was found amidst the rubble of a comic book shop. He had no name and no memories of who he was. When the rescuers found him he said nothing but “Tim…Dogg..” before passing out. The following days at the hospital shed no further light on the identity of this mystery man who had come to be known as Tim. While he had no memory of his life, he displayed an almost encyclopedic knowledge of comic books and comic book history. Remarkably, he seemed able to recite on demand, even the most obscure facts and information about super heroes and the stories that surrounded them. Following his recovery he began to wander the world. Helping those he found, in any way he could (his help usually came in the form of Marvel comics related information.) In his travels, he never stopped searching for a woman to share his life with…for a place that he could call home. Desperate to find something to hold onto…and maybe give him a connection to this world. A world in which he never felt as though he belonged. His incredible powers drawing their interest, he discovered a home of sorts in Classick Material’s Cold Slither organization. Though now in the company of villains, his path remains unclear.

…In 2011, in a quest to bring their own way of thinking to the masses, Eclectik discovered a form of communication without boundaries. It was called podcasting. Soon Cold Slither transmissions were spreading like wildfire through the internet. It is only a matter of time before their destinies are fulfilled and everyone succumbs to the might of Cold Slither. Their company motto puts it best…


We’re cold slither. You’ll be joining us soon.

NWO …A Journey

First posted on February 6th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

When I found out that the subject of this week’s podcast was going to be, the WCW’s NWO storyline, I was a little hesitant. In fact, I initially refused to do it. I still remember my conversation with Tim Dogg. “Tim” I said “I’m not just some hired gun willing to write on whatever subject I’m told to. I am a retro journalist and I take this stuff seriously. If you want a post this week, you guys are gonna have to change the topic!” Tim responded that he stuck his neck out to get me the Cold Slither blogging job and if I knew what was good for me I would shut my mouth and write the damn post “or, so help me, I’ll make you wish you had never been born.”

So, after some thought I decided that it might not be a bad idea to try and write a post about NWO. After all, it’s a good idea, every once in a while for a writer to step outside his comfort zone and take on some new territory. But where to begin? At the risk of losing all of my hard won street-cred as a walking encyclopedia on all things retro pop culture, my wrestling knowledge is sadly limited.


Sure I watched the WWF back in the 80s, I mean, I’m not a communist! It’s just that in later years when the WCW got hot and The WWF changed its name, the ladies were keeping me pretty busy. By “ladies” I mean my teachers, and by “busy” I mean sex. At any rate I didn’t keep up with it. I saw all the merchandise, I heard folks talking about it but I…didn’t even know what an NWO was. In fact, most of my memories were of Saturday morning wrestling (which came on after Garfield and Friends and before professional fishing) The rest is made up of a combination of Hulk Hogan’s Rockin’ Wrestling and me playing with wrestling toys (the still awesome WWF Thumb Wrestlers) that my parents bought me, for some reason.

Over the years it has all kind of blurred together to the point where I fondly remember Ricky The Dragon Steamboat helping He-Man to defeat the evil forces of Nermal, Emperor Palpatine and Nikolai Volkoff (I think he might have actually BEEN communist) It’s all become so confused that at times it almost seems as though wrestling was fake.

Now, I don’t mean to say that I didn’t know the basics, most of it is common knowledge. I know of course that NWO started as a small tee shirt and beer cozy company in Newport Kentucky. They were historic in that they only sold black merchandise. Featuring products emblazoned with their company NWO logo, which stood for Newport Worldwide Originals, their popularity took-off with high school males and young blue collar workers. Soon, they had gained major fame in the cut-throat world of logo tee shirts sales in Northern Kentucky. It was time to take the company to the next level. The answer seemed obvious, contract a major sports entertainment television company to create a complicated crossover, invasion storyline based on similar plots in Japanese pro wrestling for the sole purpose of selling screen-printed tee shirts! If they played their cards right, the owners of NWO believed that they might even find an angle to push their poorly selling Wolfpack line…and what followed was wrestling history.

I had a lot to learn if I was going to take that limited information and write a post on a website as popular as Cold Slither. Trying to get a little more foundation I began to ask Classick the meaning of a few terms that I had heard in some wrestling podcasts. Phrases like “Heel turn” “Face” “Go” and “Over” He explained that they had began as industry terms that eventually expanded gained use in “dirt sheets” which were wrestling magazines or websites. I then tried asking for a few more definitions. Things like “squared circle” “top rope” “body slam” and “Hulk Hogan” He said that he didn’t have time for my dumb questions and that I needed to go do some research.

Using the time honored pretend-blogger method, I got on WikiPedia and read all I could on the subject but it all seemed so impersonal. Words …stories ….facts …what did it all mean? I had to really get to know the NWO, I had to live the life, to get inside their minds. I had to BE NWO! I immediately began going bald…but just on top of my head. I let the hair in back grow long and luxurious. I started using an enormous collection of bandanas (and sometimes cowboy hats) to cover the baldness. I also practiced ripping my shirt off, randomly throughout the day. Considering the fact that I am a little less in shape than your average professional wrestler (morbidly obese) sitting shirtless at various times in the day sometimes got a bit awkward…Sunday dinner at my parents for instance. But I carried on, for the sake of Cold Slither! I grew a glorious Hulk Hogan mustache and practiced “championship belt air guitar” day and night.

Photo by Killswitched

Finally I was ready for the greatest NWO challenge of all. I began “Invading” things. I started small by invading my living room but between the damage to my own property and my wife’s less than supportive response, I decided to take the show on the road. I invaded a local Dairy Queen scaring away all the customers and breaking a guitar (I carry one with me wherever I go now) over the manager’s head. While I was writing NWO in chocolate syrup on the unconscious manager’s back I wondered if I was getting the full experience.

I had turned heel. I had started to act like Andrew Dice Clay. I had pushed the “creativity…not rules” philosophy of my office to the limit by driving my pickup into the side of the building, spray painting on every surface I could find, getting on the company intercom to bring everybody “following messages paid for by the NWO” I even spontaneously invaded other departments. I had been arrested three times and my wife had left me weeks ago. Is this what it was all about? Was this the true meaning of NWO? Anarchy for no purpose? In the end, I decided, sure that was it. Good enough.

I sent the draft of my blog to the crew whereupon it was immediately rejected. They put a filler post in its place and asked me very politely to “try a little harder next time.” I agreed and resolved that from now on I would FULLY understand a topic before trying to write about it. I’ve already received word, that next weeks subject is “Escape from New York” I don’t know what the hell that is either but how hard can it be?

McDonaldLandia

First posted on January 29th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

I don’t eat at McDonald’s. Not anymore. Sure I drive around and see fast food restaurants that call themselves McDonald’s but it’s a lie. That place is gone. I know because I’ve been there. To the real McDonald’s. The McDonald’s of the 1980’s.

McDonald’s never really did much in the way of food variety but what it did, it did well. Their menu was so simple and elegant that it could have been poetry…or a song. In fact, it was a song!

You had burgers, fish and chicken all served on buns. Then your finger foods: fries and Chicken McNuggets. (Chicken McNuggets were so ingrained into my childhood brain, that for much of my young life, I didn’t understand the concept of a nugget not being “Mc”. In my life all nuggets were McNuggets.) Adults ate strange and mysterious foods. Sandwiches with special sauce…Sandwiches so sophisticated, that the components had to be kept in separate compartments to prevent cross contamination and a huge upset in the balance of cool to hot sides.

The meals I enjoyed didn’t have special packages or special sauces. They had something really special…a prize. A prize that was a toy to whatever quality cartoon franchise had the deal at the time. There is a reason people still collect with McDonald toys from the 1980s and it reason is they were fantastic. Of all those wondrous Happy Meal Toys, my favorites were the ones that weren’t licensed at all. They had McDonald land toys, Denier monsters and space robots and yes, my friends, the legends you heard are true…at one time McDonald’s had transforming toys. But not just any old vehicle to robot “transformer”. No! These intergalactic warriors transformed from robot to McDonald food! And though these toys eventually led to the cancellation of both The GoBots and the Transformers; there was a bright side. Finally we could answer that age old question; could an Egg McMuffin defeat a Quarter-Pounder in hand to hand combat?

 
I would hurry through my Happy Meal which was usually a cheeseburger, fries and an Orange Drink! A beverage that, to this day, I still don’t know if it was Hi-C Orange or an honest to goodness menu item called Orange Drink. (If you know the answer to this, please don’t tell me whether that was the official name or not. It was and will always be orange drink to me!) The dessert to round-out your dinner were the always delicious McDonald Land Cookies…not apple slices. In the 1980s if any Mickey-D’s clerk would have attempted to sell a kid apple slices they would have been slapped right across the face and then relieved of duty. McDonald’s had NO time for any of that hippie crap.

 
After eating, the usual routine was to leave the boring confines of a 1980’s fast food restaurant and step through the doors into an amazing world. McDonald Land! And let me be clear, by McDonald Land, I don’t just mean the playground, I mean McDonald Land.

Created in the same wonderful acid-induced, costume-puppet madhouse that brought HR Puffinstuff into the world. This was a place that a kid felt like he could really become a part of…at least, I always did. It was a world with armless fry-loving monsters. And a clown who wasn’t some hipster playing soccer or rollerblading (with full padding). Our Ronald McDonald was to busy for that noise. Battling Captain Crook, keeping the Fry Guys in line and monitoring the ever changing worldview of the sometimes evil / sometimes not evil milkshake loving purple blob creature known (to those who survived) as Grimmace.

There was Big Mac Cop, trying to bring some justice into that crazy mixed-up world and maybe stop the Hamburgalar’s rein of terror. It wasn’t easy. The streets of McDonald Land were not always a friendly place and sometimes you had to bend the rules and teach that scum a lesson out of their own playbook. After all, with Mayor McCheese constantly breathing down his neck, looking for results and both his badge and ass on the line; sometimes he had to do what he had to do.

 
But now all those things are gone. The mini live-action cartoons that used to be the commercials have been replaced with overproduced nonsense that makes you think McDonald’s is a place where kids go to grab some carrot-sticks in between tennis and ballet practice.

 
 
The awe-inspiring playground with their larger than life depictions of those wonderful characters have been removed and sold. What passes as a kids play area at the “new” McDonald’s is a terrible place. A labyrinth of futuristic brightly colored tubes that looks more like a giant nightmarish hamster track than anything that a normal red blooded American child would play on.

A lot of suckers out there will tell you that “You can’t go home again.” I’m here to tell you, that’s just hogwash. I can go home; all damn day!

McDonald’s, on the other hand, that my friends is a place to which you can never really go back.

Avoid the Noid

First posted on January 23th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself. Hi, my name is Claymation Werewolf, and my areas of “expertise” are cartoons, puppets and horror! In 2011 I was able to slip through the cracks and hide amongst the elite in the retro blogging community.

Happily, I now find myself out of my league, posting my insane ramblings at the Cold Slither Podcast. I’ve seen the stranger side of nostalgia and I know the truth about the pop culture you think you remember. Prepare yourself…things are going to get weird!


 
It’s 1986. The sound of your alarm clock wakes you and you quickly cast off the safety and warmth of your He-Man blankets. Bleary-eyed you make your way down the steps. Pausing only once to gather some essential equipment, in the form of a bowl of Applejacks and a tall glass of Sunny Delight. These supplies will give you the strength you need for this morning’s adventures. The strength to face…EVIL!

Image courtesy of “Two for Flinching”

Parked in front of your television, you face the most menacing collection of villains ever assembled; the villains of cartoon! You sat helpless, watching these terrible titans commit their acts of animated aggression. There stood the mighty He-Man! His trusty steed Battle Cat, trapped in an impossible snare and our hero himself weakened to the point of collapse, and falling right into the clutches of the great and terrible magic of Skeletor.

Furiously you rushed to change the channel and find an even more terrible scene! The heroic forces of the GI Joes; scattered, stand unprepared for the onslaught of the unstoppable Military Might of Cobra. Surely if these real American heroes fall, the balance of power in the world would change forever.

 
 
Changing the channel again you stand witness to the Sword of Thundera, being knocked from the steely grip of Lion-O as a storm on the horizon spells the advance of the most ancient of evils, Mum-Ra The Ever Living and his vile horde of Mutants!

Just when it seems like there is no escape from the devastation; a beacon of hope shone through. A cheerful cartoon bumper telling you that “after these messages, we’ll be right back!” You prepared to enter what has always been a constant source of comfort to every TRUE American; the world of commercial advertising! Yet, in that place of refuge hid an even greater evil, a darkness that would bring even the proud Decepticon Warriors to their knees! It was a name that sent a chill down the spine of all those who heard it and that name was The Noid!

His mind twisted by years of sub-standard pizza, the Noid declared war on all that was good (and Italian) in this world. He lurked in the shadows of innocent pizza parlors seeking to destroy the pies that the Ninja Turtles swore to protect. Sticking cheese to the lid of the box, cooling every piping hot slice and ultimately ruining “movie night” for families everywhere. After all, not even all the soda and VHS tapes in the world could stand up to overpriced, lousy pizza.

As The Noid engaged in his claymation chaos, leaving a trail of stale sausage and peculiar pepperoni in his wake, the nation wept. Desperate for a hero. Someone, anyone who could defend them from this deep dish dilemma. That hero arose in the unlikely form of a friendly red white and blue box…and a dream. This hero, this “Dominos” stood for justice and stood to reign supreme (and sometimes Meat Lovers) above all as a symbol of eighties delivery goodness. Dominos dared to ask for change, to overcome the odds and to take its rightful place as king of all chain pizza! Most importantly Dominos declared that all who would do evil in this world would pay! (Unless it was over 30 minutes, in which case it would be free)

Dominos held off even the evil of the Noid with their superior pizza pie and current pop-culture relevance. They beat the masked menace at his own game and once again made the non-stop onslaught of advertising between cartoon segments, a safe place for all of us.

Sadly, today things have changed. We as a society no longer stand at the hopeful shores of a sea of Crystal Pepsi. We no longer live our lives by the wise and encouraging words of Max Hedroom. All of the 80’s ideals that we all held dear are gone. The arcades have gone dark and the video stores have closed. Even the mighty Dominos has become a shadow of its former self. With these institutions gone we are left with no defense against the evil around us. All the maniacal, cruel and dreadful things that wait in the shadows of this modern world, planning to destroy us all.

Unless we all turn to the lessons of retro pop-culture, all hope might be lost. There might one day be a time when we are no longer able to avoid the fate that we have created for ourselves.. When we are no longer able to avoid…the Noid.

Claymation Werewolf has an evil plan to bring about a Nostalgia Revolution for a time when cartoons were actually good. You can find more of his posts about toys, cartoons, puppets and horror on his blog at http://claymationwerewolf.blogspot.com/.

Help The Manchines of Eternia this Christmas!

First posted on December 14th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

Citizens of Toontown, fellow Retrotarians. I come to you today during this Christmas season with a personal plea. Recently one of my many connections in the Retro Pop Culture world re-introduced me to some wonderful characters. Characters that stood in the spotlight for one brief moment. Who shared the stage with some of the most influential actors in the history of cartoon entertainment.

Manchines by Christopher Tupa

The Manchines co-starred in the He-man and She-Ra Christmas special and were received with incredible fan-fair. Flush with the excitement of success, the offers started to roll in, and it seemed like the future opened wide. Unfortunately, dreams don’t always come true and their careers took a sharp downward turn. They landed a few endorsement deals, a few knock-off direct to dvd foreign produced cartoons but even that slowly began to fade. All the while they continued to hope for that starring role in an animated series of their own. They always held on to that dream and friends, that is where I hope that one of you can help.

As many children of the 80’s will agree, The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas special is largely, plodding and predicable holiday fair. Really, just another way for Adam and Adora to cash a paycheck …That is, until about halfway through the special when something happens. It’s just one of those little moments of movie magic that changed the history of cinema. It was, the introduction of the Manchines. The Manchines were unlike anything that existed in 80’s animation! They were cute! They were colorful! They were a group of individuals each of who had a distinct personality and special skill to contribute! They uh…they were part man…part machine… The Manchines weren’t just a totally original idea in the world of animation, they had real heart! And they even came with their own enemies; the giant and evil and stiffly-moving Monstroids! These metal giants could transform from uh…transform from robot to vehicle. Anyway, the Monstroids were bad, I mean these guys threatened and attacked Hordak. Hordak! And he was already a bad guy so the Monstroids were like super secret mega zord ultra hyper bad guys! They were like BAD guys!

So the Manchines are everywhere in this movie! Out in front saving the day, working behind the scenes moving and shaking, wheeling and dealing, kicking it…uh…kicking it old school… There are so many amazing characters, where can I begin! There is Cutter (not in the emo/goth way) who has lobster claws for hands that can turn into buzz saws and cut probably anything. There is Zipper “Dr Huxtable” Davis who is the adorable (and not at all hideous and unfortunate monster) robot body fused to a scooter go-kart type vehicle. I have a tendency to OCCASIONALLY make up the odd fact in this blog and I’m not entirely sure what the names of the rest of the crew are so I might take a few liberties with reality for a while.

So Thermostatie, Golf Teela, and Hubbie Capp charge in to battle to defend their friends and kick some ‘way bigger and more powerful than them’ butt! What follows is a confusing collage of robot violence! PisTom uses his head and his powerful thrusting action to smash a Monstroid to pieces! Then Blendergrip and Wenchie-Poo cause one of the most terrible Monstroid (Cobra BigBoots) to fall to his doom! I want to take a second to talk about this scene. More specifically I want to talk about the sad sad case of Wenchie-Poo. Now, Old Wenchie plays a huge role in killing this specific Monstroid but he does it by having Blendergrip unwind the cable in his chest and they use it to trip the Goliath. Now, this is all well and good but it is very difficult to picture another situation in which Wenchie-Poo could be very useful in battle. Wenchie has a spool of metal cable in his chest, some kind of weird handle thing coming out of the back of his head and a wide sturdy base. That’s it. No feet, no weapons, no apparent method of locomotion, just a cable coming out of his chest. These little guys really need your help people!


As the Manchines are basically slapping the Monstroids around, the Wonder twins (She-Ra and He-Man) even get into the act! They begin systematically tearing the Monstroids apart. Including once sweet move where He-Man tangled up one of the Monstroid’s arms, let’s call him TentaArms and the robot monster starts emitting sparks and then blows up.

At the end of the fight, the mighty Monstroids are reduced to a mangled pile of scrap metal. In this scene, The Masters of the Universe, gains the distinction of being the only animated Christmas special in which the heroes slaughter an entire race of beings.

With a resume like that, you might wonder how these courageous warriors could possibly be out of work but it's true. It was obvious at the time that STUDIONAME had every intention of giving these characters their own show, to fully capitalize on the entertainment and merchandising powerhouses they would surely become. Unfortunately, due to a contract dispute between the studio brass and the Masters of the Universe actors, He-Man, Man At Arms and all the rest went on strike. Not wanting to make waves in the industry that opened its arms to them, the Manchines walked out in sympathy. The studio came down hard eventually hiring the scab actors that would help in the production of The New Adventures of He-Man, and bringing about the end of the Classic MOTU characters’ careers. Sadly one of the casualties of this labor strife was the contract of the Manchines. Their dreams of stardom gone before they ever began.
But those dreams don’t have to be over, kind Retro Readers! Through some of my associates in the ranks of the Decepticons, I was able to secure 8 Manchines a job on the set of Transformers Prime. Today they happily serve as emergency pit crew to help repair the damaged Decepticons (and to a lesser extent, the Autobots) in between scenes to help the show transform and roll out with minimum delays. But why stop there? There are virtually hundreds of hard working, bright and nicely polished Manchines out there ready to do their best for Show-Biz! They could do great in the video game industry as retro console systems…they could be spare parts for KITT (HubbyCapp, and PisTom would be especially good for this kind of work…Michael) I could even send a crate of them to The Haunted Projectionist! I’m sure a couple of them are lights or maybe an old movie projector, I’m positive there was at least one popcorn machine in there somewhere.

So please help to spread the word and let’s get these robot creatures some work. Their time to shine is long overdue and these character deserve a TV show! Once they are working in every corner of the entertainment industry people will have to take notice. They will see the hidden gem that has been waiting all this time! They will finally give credit where credit is due, and for once in this cold and bitter world nice guys will finally finish first!…or the Manchines will kill us. They’ll kill us all.