Skellington in the Suburbs

First posted on October 11th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link



          And welcome back to Coast-To-Ghost AM, and as always I am your host, Rhett Kahn. All month, we’ve been presenting a series of personal supernatural encounters. Tonight we have the owner of the Terror Trees Haunted Attraction and paranormal investigator Guy Elliot. He is the author of the new true life horror best seller “Mr. Unlucky”. I want to remind everyone that our sponsor tonight is Claymation Brand Werewolves! when you need werewolves fast and you need them to be doughy, cartoonish and un-intimidating! And now, let’s get to our guest.


R: “Hello Guy, how are you?”

GE: “I’m good, Rhett. I’m good and you?”

R: “Always doing great, Guy! And speaking of great; I’ve been reading Mr. Unlucky and it is absolutely riveting and you say that its completely real?”

GE: “Rhett, I swear this entire story is true.”

R: “It’s just that it really is fantastic but please, go on…We’re ready to believe you!”

GE: “Oh, okay. Thanks…Okay, well it all started out on Halloween night…I know that sounds a little bit cliché but it’s the truth. See, I run what they call a haunted hayride. It’s actually a pretty big deal in that part of Kentucky during October! We get about 5,000 customers a night and cover an area stretching across about 3 acres.”

R: “—Wow! That definitely does sound pretty impressive! I think we all enjoy a good haunted house, or in your case hunted hayride.”

GE: “Yeah, I know I do! Anyway, we had just completed a huge night and had even had a live broadcast from Jonathan Johnson and Rabid Badger of Rotting Flesh Radio…It was amazing! So it was about 3 o’clock in the morning and I was walking the entire haunt path, sort of reveling in my triumph you could say. Of course I had my Fisher Price Super Ghost Detector with me as I normally do if I’m out somewhere on my own. It’s an incredibly sophisticated piece of equipment and is sensitive to the wandering lost souls…spirits so ancient that mortal man cannot even name them. It can also play AM and FM radio and the whole thing runs on just two AAA batteries! So anyway; I was just passing the part of our little show we call the Halloween Tree when I heard a funny noise.”

R: “A noise?”

GE: “Yeah…well it sounded a little like a combination of a breaking tree branch and a creaking door. And a door is exactly what it was…There was a door opening right in the trunk of the Halloween Tree. A door in a tree! It was the damnedest thing!”

R: “—But the tree, you said it was part of your haunted attraction?”

GE: “Yeah. It was part of the tour but it was an actual tree. It’s huge! About six feet around and one of the creepiest looking trees you could ever see. We actually rerouted the path so that the customers would have to walk past it….So a door starts to open in this thing and the wind suddenly kicks up and this figure steps out of it…”

R: “A figure…what was it?”

GE: “That’s a good question; a monster?…A ghost?…All I know is it looked like a skellington, I mean skeleton…Super thin, and unnaturally tall. A skull for a head, bone hands and an black pin-striped tuxedo.”

R: “A tuxedo?”

GE: “Haha! Yeah, it was wearing a sort of tuxedo black gothic-ky outfit. I don’t know what it looked like exactly…The whole thing scared the living *expletive* out of me!”

R: “So did you run? Did you get out of there?”

GE: “Hell no! I had to find out what was going on! I mean it’s so rare that a paranormal investigator actually encounters the uh… the paranormal. And to have a haunted experience in an actual haunted house?!. Wow! That’s the kind of stuff they make terrible horror movies about! I had to follow the creature and see where it was going.”

R: “Yes! And maybe keep it from harming anybody?”

GE: “Uhhhhh Yeah…Sure… Protect people. Anyway, I started trailing this guy, this thing and it was acting very weird….It walked through the little bit of field and the highway that separated us from the town that borders our haunt, and to be honest I was having trouble keeping up. It wasn’t that he was necessarily walking quickly but he took huge steps. His legs alone were nearly as tall as me and they were stick thin; it was almost like watching a giant spider walk. So picture this…by this time it was 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning and I’m chasing behind this ten foot tall gigantic stick thin skeleton wearing a tuxedo. Everyone’s out and about doing what you do on a Saturday morning but no one seems to be noticing this craziness…It actually seemed like I was the only person that saw him. So I’m freaking out and he’s walking around like he’s in an amusement park; analyzing everything and acting like he’s never been in the suburbs before! He inspecting storm drains, picking weeds, taking the license plates off of cars.”

R: “Wow! So no one ever saw any of this besides you? That is hard to believe…Not that I would ever call a ghost hunter a liar but you must agree.”

GE: “Rhett, it would seem hard to believe if I hadn’t experienced it for myself. Fortunately for my credibility I was able to gather proof!”

R: “Did you catch the whole thing on video? Amazing!”

GE: “Well not actually on video, Rhett…As you might know; it is strictly against the bylaws of the International Ghost Hunters Association to capture any kind of irrefutable proof like clear video evidence or several respectable witnesses. Although we are allowed to capture blurry photographs or video that clearly shows random static-ky light orbs that look eerily like flashlights. We are also allowed to record audio! Most of the time this audio consists of garbled background noise interlaced with sounds that may or may not be people saying whatever we decide to write on the subtitles.”

R: “And those garbled audio tracks are always very compelling, but I understand you have something even stronger?”

GE: “that’s right, Danny!”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “That’s right, Rhett…You see a few minutes in to this creature walking around in childlike wonder, it actually began to sing about what it was seeing. I have the whole thing recorded! It gets a little rough in some spots but you can make out most of it.”

R: “And what proof do you have that it was an actual ghost and not just you or someone else singing and recording it?”

GE: “Anyway, Rhett, I would like if I can to play some of the audio recording for you and your listeners.”

R: “Well I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we would love to hear it.”



—-Begin Audio—

What’s this? What’s this?

There’s pavement everywhere

What’s this?

A shop that cuts your hair

What’s this?

I can’t believe my eyes

I must be **Unintelligible**


What’s this? What’s this?

There’s people cutting grass

What’s this?

The lower middle class





What’s this?

The streets are lined with

Steel and concrete storm-drains

Everybody seems so mundane

Have I possibly gone insane?

What is this?

What’s this?





There are children throwing litter

On someone else’s lawn.

And a place to take your valuables

That you might like to pawn.





There’s people doing taxes.

Though, I don’t know what that means

And I feel down but look around

To see suburban scenes…





Oh, look

What’s this?

They’re hanging yard sale signs, on poles.

Why they’re so poorly made, cardboard!

They’re putting letters in a box?

**static**





Oh look a stand for lemonade, how cute.

Now cops have shut it down.

And why?





They didn’t have a license, but

The cities got to get a cut.

They’ll ticket every car

That’s just a minute past its meter!

This looks grand!

This looks grand!

Oh, can I ever understand?

What’s this?





Oh my, what now?

A swimmer’s hair is green?

Their pool,

Has way to much chlorine!

No weeds, to ruin their perfect front lawns

Or stray leaves to fall and terrorize…

From nature they stay sterilized….

What’s this?





There selling soap door to door

That no one wants to buy.

And no one seems to even chase

That sweaty jogging guy.





I hear the screams of people

Watching sports on their TV’s.

It seems unreal that people place

Their hopes on things like these….





The drab! The plain!

Everything all looks the same!

I’ve never been quite this content!

Who ever could imagine I’d see so much white bread.

I won’t complain but it’s a shame I happen to be dead.





I want it, oh, I want it!

I’ve began to finally see

How unlucky

How unlucky

To be stuck in Halloween

Instead of this…

Planned…community.

—-End Audio—

GE: “So you see, Tim…”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “So you see, Rhett…It couldn’t possible have been anything but a genuine paranormal experience. How else do you explain the word play and sophisticated rhyme scheme? This sighting has opened my eyes. Ghosts, goblins and everything that I’ve dedicated my life to is real…And all they want is what we already have! So I’ve decided to enjoy the things around me. The simple, the mundane…There is beauty in all of it and it’s time I learned to appreciate it. So I’ve decided to change my life! I’m leaving all of this ghost hunting behind. No more spirits, no more goblins and no more walking around at midnight in abandoned hospitals! From now on, it’s the plain life for me!”

R: “Are you also giving up running the haunt as well?”

GE: “No way! Haunted houses kick ass!”



          And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! A spine tingling tale of a life changing brush with “the other side”. And sadly, that’s all the time we have tonight.

          If you’ve enjoyed tonight’s show half as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you, then I’ve enjoyed it twice as much as you have. Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away…and have a nice day!

When Hip-Hop met Horror

First posted on September 27th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link

Most people think the world of Horror fandom is like a family. They believe that there is an overwhelming sense of acceptance and community and that we all stand united, hand in hook against whatever adversity the world can throw at us. For the most part this is all true but there is another side to the horror world as many of us know. It can be sinister, it can be competitive…I’ve only been a horror blogger for a couple of months and I’ve already been shot twice! Yes, the sad truth is that no matter how harmonious we like to imagine this world is, there are things that divide us. Freddy or Jason?….Fast Zombies or Slow? Kane Hodder or Derek Mears? Evil Dead or Army of Darkness? Any of these questions can cause an instant eruption of war between your average dedicated deadite but there is a deeper fault line running through the horror community for decades threatening to tear apart the very fabric of everything that we have worked so hard to build.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that I am talking about the Hip-Hop Horror Turf Wars that erupted in the late 1980’s and have only gotten stronger since. When hip hop or “rap” became mainstream it almost immediately began to take off in popularity. Along with its meteoric rise it ignited incredible passion among its fans. That passion took the form of completely new forms of dance, an unprecedented level of poetic expression and the light speed evolution of electronic music. Unfortunately that passion came with aggression, division, and sometimes even violence. Once the world of rap entered into its inevitable partnership with horror movies the division only became worse.


It began small, various hip-hop artists speaking about their fandom of slasher films, giant monsters, and the supernatural…horror directors like Sam Rami and Wes Craven taking on DJ duties at some of the hottest LA nightclubs, and who can forget Stephen King’s short lived segment on Yo! MTV Raps. Soon every monster, unearthly creature and undead slasher began to actively campaign for hip-hop representation. They arrived in Los Angeles by the dozen going to the offices of major record labels, meeting with top executives, slaughtering them and then starting the process all over again. Finally gold was struck, the all American first family of spooky entered in to the ultimate partnership with a struggling, up and coming rapper by the name of MC Hammer. The collective life experiences and vibrant lust for life enjoyed by the Addams’s seemed to be just what Mr. Hammer needed and he was plucked from the depths of total obscurity soon becoming the toast of the town with hit record after hit record. His popularity grew so much that at its peak he became nearly too legit to quit.

After Hammer’s success the floodgates opened and rappers were joining forces with masters of monster movies all across America. Will Smith or the “fresh prince” as he is known on the streets joined forces with the imitable Frederick J “Freddy” Krueger, when Krueger himself senselessly murdered Smith’s long time partner DJ Jazzy Jeff. Smith later said that the rhymes he created with Krueger where not only the freshest he had ever created but also the dopest. He also proclaimed Freddy one of the best natural scratchers he had ever seen. The arrival of the Fresh Prince marked a 180 degree turnaround in Krueger’s career following the end of his 8 year partnership with the Fat Boys who, after defecting from the Krueger Camp announced a newly signed contract with Michael Myers.

Their first hit song under the agreement “Devil’s Eyes (Pass the Fries)” shot straight to the top of the Killboard Top 100 Horror Charts. It wasn’t all success though …for instance when Chucky and Vanilla Ice formed their infamous White Boys and Killer Toys alliance it turned out to be a huge flop and effectively ended both of their careers. And Young MC’s ill fated “Dance Off“ with Pumpkin Head in the follow-up video to his hit “Bust a Move” became a laughing stock.


Some people weren’t content to enter into collaborations, and became crossover artists in their own right. When C&C Music Factory released their single “Things that Make You Go AAAAAHHHH!” The world fell in love with their new blood, gore and pyrotechnic driven performances. Even international artists got into the act. Seamus O’ Shame (The Leprechaun) actually became a rapper. He made his debut with a song entitled “Lep In The Hood” at the end of a movie with a very similar title. After releasing his album he realized he could lay down some ill tracks and bring people unspeakable pain at the same time and he never looked back

While the def jams were flying fast and loose and the money was rolling in, there was something much more ominous brewing below the surface. Turf wars and minor scuffles had began to break out as to who ran what horror neighborhood. The leprechaun laid claim to the Tiny Terror Zone which did not go over well with Chucky or The PuppetMaster Puppets. Jason and Michael Myers left untold death and destruction following the terrifying Silent Lumbering Killer Wars of ‘83.… It all got bad and then it got worse. For decades, record labels and horror movie producers turned a blind eye choosing to focus only on the millions of dollars they were raking in and ignoring the loss of both life and street cred. Sadly, something happened in 2010 that would make the world take notice, when Jackie Earl Haley and Samuel Bayer conspired to do the unthinkable. They murdered Freddy Krueger in cold blood. The worlds of horror, hip-hop, and hip-hop-horror fell silent. They realized that money and fame had gotten in the way of what really counts, poetic expression…and ultra violent gory movies. It was decided by all parties involved that everyone needed to get back to basics and to start doing what they did best. With that in mind, all horror/rap partnerships were dissolved.


Recently it seems as though there have been signs of a mild renaissance in the world of horror rap. Will Smith in partnership with the Saw franchise released the song Getting Jiggysaw With It and it seems to be doing fairly well in the charts so far. We can only hope that this time things will be different. That we can have a real sense of community and produce works that are all about art and not about money or “turf”. Together we can live in a world that undead, horribly disfigured, psychotic serial killers like Freddy Krueger would be proud to call home. With that in mind I hope that each of you can sit back, relax…and have a nice day!

A message from Phishbon3s:

Just realized that I never posted the links to the boss's introduction posts when he joined The Retroist and Rotting Flesh Radio. Gonna fix that now.

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First posted on April 4th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

Meet New Retroist Contributor, “The Claymation Werewolf”

I realize this is highly irregular, and far be it from me to break with tradition but I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is JC, or “The Claymation Werewolf.” And I have experienced things that some might say are impossible, others however would say Yeah I agree they ARE impossible!

You see, I have listened to in depth interviews with fictional characters on National Puppet Radio. I have watched black and white He-Man propaganda newsreels from WWII. I’ve seen the stranger side of nostalgia and I know the truth about the cartoons we think we remember.

I finally decided that my insane ramblings could be useful for more than just irritating my wife, and alienating loved ones. I spent years wandering the darkest shadows of Nostalgia looking for just the right venue for the Claymation Werewolf, and I believe that Retroist.Com is that place. Of course, I could not have gotten to this point without the words of encouragement I received along the way. I remember when The Retroist himself said to me: JC, I do not want your blog on my website, now please stop sending me Twitter messages! When I read those words, I knew I had found my home.

I honestly feel like I have something special to offer, that has always been missing from Retroist…absurd lies! So give me a shot. If you like what you read, then Great! If you don’t then my parents were right about me all along. Prepare yourself things are going to get weird!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First posted on July 6th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link

RFR Casket Crew Welcomes “Claymation Werewolf”: An Introduction

Hello Deadites! My name is JC or the Claymation Werewolf. Jonathan has recently been kind enough to allow me to post my bizarre ramblings on the Rotting Flesh Radio website. I have always hoped to be able to express my strange opinions and weird sense of humor to as many people as possible and blogging for RFR seems to be a great way to do just that. Plus the neighbors (not to mention the police) always get a little weird when I just yell the stuff out on the streets. I will do my very best to stay focused and not go off on tangents. Since my blog experience has been nearly 100% tangents it’s going to be a challenge but I have high hopes!

Before I start posting my “real” blog entries, I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. Since I will be writing a different kind of Rotting Flesh Blog I want to present a kind of “field guide” to the Claymation Werewolf. I know a lot of the members of the Casket Crew are a pretty intimidating bunch, full of haunt actors with an impressive list of scares and years working in the horror industry. They have been to some of the best horror conventions around and have spoken to the actors who have given their fans thrills and chills for years! Well let me tell you, I’m no stranger to horror myself. Sure my annual haunt events might be a little less Halloween Horror Nights, and a little more Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party, and while I might not know how to apply latex gore FX, I can apply a sweet Halloween temporary tattoo in seconds! It also goes without saying that my Madballs collection rivals the best assortment of custom haunted house props out there!
All of that being said I don’t want you to think I’m not tough. I once watched an entire episode of “Tales From The Crypt” and never closed my eyes even once! After all, even though you’re a little bit Friday the 13th and I’m a little bit Saturday the 14th, it doesn’t mean we don’t all howl at the same moon, right? It’s just that I need to be back in at a reasonable hour. If I don’t get a good eight hours of sleep, I can be a real monster!

Until next time…Sit Back, Relax and Rot Away…and have a nice day!

Of Pets and Monsters

First posted on September 15th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link



November 18, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two:


          I began this log under the advice of one of my most trusted associates. Call it what you like; archive diary, Etc, but the fact remains that its purpose is entirely singular. In recent weeks I was asked to look into a rather unusual insurance claim placed by a local company regarding one of its salesmen. It seems the gentleman arrived in the town on a routine sales call and just vanished into the ether. Letters were sent to town officials and were met with the response that the man in question did indeed arrive and was quickly run out of town on a rail as the citizens of the town detested salespeople. As this was a regular occurrence in their business, this had happened very frequently and the company insisted that they would have heard from Dr. Minto by now. A claim was submitted to collect on the life insurance policy purchased on Minto but before our company was willing to pay out the Forty dollars; I am to be sent into the town, conduct interviews and investigate to bring closure to this matter once and for all.



November 19, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two:


          I am currently on a carriage en route to Happy Pines, Iowa and have discovered the most incredible thing! While doing research on Happy Pines, (in preparation for my journey) I happened upon my own family name. It seems that there was a line of my ancestors that branched off some years back. They apparently moved to Happy Pines to pursue business, and shortly cut off all ties with their relatives back east. Several generations remained in the town but I could not find specifics on their whereabouts. Apparently, this trip could end up being of some interest, other than just of the monetary variety.


November 19, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two, Supplemental:

          Arrived in Happy Pines the town is strangely silent and I don’t yet know what to make of it. The few people I have encountered all have a strange look to them. It’s nothing I can put my finger on. Just the occasional flash of something…recognition or…I’m not sure but there was something. Additionally, for a place called Happy Pines, the citizens could not be more cold. No one smiles on the street and even the Land Lady at the Inn I am rooming at conducted our business with a severe, ominous tone. Stranger still, at check in she insisted that I have “always been here” and it took some negotiating to secure board for the night. One highlight is that, through conversation with the landlady, I discovered my ancestral home! My family owned a large manor house on the outskirts of town. Sadly no one of my lineage still lived in the town and the house had stood deserted for years. The only people who ever go anywhere near it now are the staff, who’s salaries are paid through a family trust. I will set out tonight to investigate the home and satisfy my own curiosity before embarking on the real business that brought me to the town.



November 20, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two:

          Incredible! I hardly know where to begin . My trip to the manor house was more productive than I could have ever imagined. The place is incredible and far more ancient than any descriptions gave it credit for. Some of the halls seem almost cavernous, and it’s almost as though the entire place breathes with a life of its own. Everything is as it was left; all of the cookware in the kitchen. The beds are still covered with blankets and the windows with curtains. Inside the most enormous library I have ever seen, are shelves filled with hundreds and hundreds of books. It’s as if there is still someone in residence here, though I know that isn’t the case. In regards to the library it would provide a feast to a bibliophile such as myself. I know that I really need to be getting back to my vocation, but I plan on return tonight to explore this reader’s paradise.



November 20, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two, Supplemental.

          A long day spent in town. No one seems to know anything about Dr. Thaddeus Minto or in the very least do not wish to discuss the matter with me. It is the strangest thing since arriving in the town, I have began to feel that at once I am a complete outsider and that everyone in Happy Pines knows me completely. I spent hours walking the streets of the town and the thing that has bothered me the most has been the whispering; which has come in two distinct forms. The first is easily recognizable but beyond my ability to explain; it comes from the people of Happy Pines. Everywhere I go people begin to talk low amongst themselves and it bares more proof of the suspicious familiarity that I have mentioned. The second form of whispers…now that’s something else entirely. It feels as though it’s coming from the town, not the people of the town but the town itself as though its alive. As though it wants something and is constantly beckoning me forward…driving me on. I have been dwelling upon it in the manor house library for hours and still have no answers. I think it’s time to rest my mind and loose myself in a good book or a few hundred. Who knows, it’s entirely possible I might discover some things about my long lost family.


November 21, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two:


          It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. I had to add another entry into this log. I am very thankful that the idea of a journal was given to me as I believe it will prove to be invaluable in sorting out the events I have experienced. The faceless, wordless whispering has increased to a deafening level. It began while I was pouring over the tomes in the library. I was in the midst of discovering some strange occurrence that undertook my family. The reports are sketchy, made up of diary entries and half-torn newspaper articles. There were stories of caves. Of lights from the night sky…lights from the stars and of a terrible scandal. I was beginning to uncover some evidence of the whereabouts of my ancestors and suddenly I was struck by overwhelming pain like an echo inside my mind. Then just as suddenly as it started it ceased, and was replaced by a powerful sense of purpose as if I had to carry out a long standing obligation. I was moved to explore the manor home further and discovered that more than a few secrets lived within these walls. Inside a pantry in the lower level, I discovered a false wall and after some gentle pressure I was able to get it to give under the strength of my shoulder. What was behind it I can hardly believe myself. As if I was in a serialized novel, a hall stretched before me. A hall of bricks winding into the distance, lit by torches bolted to the wall. I had no choice but to enter and to see where it led. As I began to turn what I felt was the final corner, I finally came back to myself. The cold hand of fear gripped me immediately and I beat a hasty retreat to the relative safety of the house proper. I really need to get back to my work but the events of that last few days have been a grand adventure indeed, and one I will remember to a ripe old age.


November 21, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two. Supplemental.

          I have spent all morning at my desk in the hotel. Despite my full dedication I have found it impossible to work. Despite every sense of logic and common sense, I must go back to my ancestral home. I have to find out what happened to my family. The work will have to wait I wont be able to set my mind to it until I have answers.


November 22, Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Two:

          I finally walked the length of the hall last night and the whole thing was like a dream. The hall seemed to narrow and darken the further I traveled, and the whispers at once grew louder and somehow more clear. I walked and upon rounding the final corner it opened into a vast cavern. The room was impossibly large and it almost seemed as though you could look far enough up to see the very stars in the night sky, although the fact that I was hundreds of feet beneath my family property this was obviously impossible. Either way, this was not close to being the most remarkable thing in the room. The most remarkable thing lay at its center, nearly filling the entire room with its incredible enormity.


Image courtesy of Sketch O Rama

          There was a beast…a monster laying upon the stone floor. Its size was impossible to describe. But its appearance was amazing. It was covered in red and blue fur with huge sharp yellow teeth protruding from its closed mouth. Its leathery hands and feet flexed and released in unconscious movement displaying the black and blue nails on the tip of each finger and toe. Atop its head was a shock of purple hair and two long horns. It had clearly been asleep for a long time. Asleep for ages. The entire body of the creature was covered in a heavy layer of dust, spider webs and soot. Though it lay not alive and not dead something seemed to stir as I approached, as if something within me brought life to the creature. As if I was what it had been waiting for, all these years. It began to move then and that was when I noticed the chains. Around each wrist and ankle was a shackle made of an orange material that was clearly not of this world. Imbedded in the surface of the shackles was arcane symbols of some variety. The shackles led to chains of the same bright orange color. The beast’s huge arms strained against the massive chains, forged of such heavy material no man could have created them. The longer I stood in the beasts shadow the more it seemed to waken and I noticed a weakness in the links of the chain. At the center where each shackle connected was a link that was not perfectly formed and as the beast pulled against them the chain began to separate. I was so mesmerized by curiosity and fear it was almost too late when I realized the creatures eyes were now open. As I looked up I stared into two ancient yellow eyes that tore away every pretense of every frail and pathetic façade of authority I ever falsely claimed to possess and at that moment I felt a devastating sense of servitude and loyalty to this magnificent being. Slowly a sound that words would lend no justice to began to emit from the being’s mouth; it was a call, a command and I knew that I was intended to respond. My feet began to carry me, slowly at first and then I began to run, I ran across the stone floor toward the light of the torch lit hall. I ran across bones; both human, and belonging to beings that never lived upon this planet. I ran across dirt and insects and strips of clothing and blood scattered around the destroyed remains of what used to be a Boglins sales kit. I ran until no breath could reach my lungs and no thought ignited a spark within my mind and then when I could run no more. I ran.


????

          Whether it was mere moments or hours or days I can not say with any certainty. All I do know is that I am afraid. I am terrified of what I saw. Of the signs of death, of feeding and of course of the unearthly beast hidden deep with the very caverns under the house of the people who’s blood courses within my own veins. Beyond everything else I am afraid of what I know I have to do. I now know what became of those that came before me. They fell. They fell because of their own weakness. They were unable to do what was necessary, unable to carry out our responsibility. But I now know what is expected of me and I know how to take care of things. All of the things I used to think were so important I now realize were meaningless. All that matters now is that I am the caretaker. The caretaker of this estate. The caretaker of everything…of Him. And I always will be for while it may wear chains this monster is not my pet, I am his. We are all pets of the Monster.

Put Some Monster In Your Pocket!

First posted on August 10th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Hiya folks! Seems like here lately there’s been an awful lot of talkin’ about Monster In My Pocket. Kids today with their hula hoops and their electric widgets and discoteques have been all a’flutter over these multicolored mini monsters and questions have been a’flying fast and loose. What do they mean? Are the colors significant? Where did they come from in the first place? Why do you have so many of those Monster In My Pockets? Why do you just sit around writing those ridiculous blogs all day? Why don’t you get outside, maybe meet a nice girl…get a job and move out of my basement? Maybe make something of yourself, I mean you are 45 years old, Greg! Ahem, anyway everybody’s just gotta know more about these little critters…and don’t get me wrong they ain’t just toys. They made a cartoon or two, they made a videogame for one of them Nintendos. And to answer everybody’s questions; they even made one of them funny books to explain the “origin” of the Monsters. Now, I read that funny book and I gotta say; in the words of my Grand pappy “That’s pretty good, but it ain’t how I hear’d it!” You see I happen to know that those “toys“? Well they aren’t quite just children’s play things. And the monsters their based on? Well they happen to be real.

The Original Monster In My Pocket

          I suppose the year was nearabouts 1990 and unbeknownst to most of the world, America was dealing with quite a monster problem. Yes you heard right, monsters! You know them varmints from the movies; wolfman, the witch, chimera, invisible man and what have-you. Well them beasts were just running amuck and playing fast and loose with public safety and property. Folks were dying, disappearing, turning into vampires, etc and it became crystal clear that it had to stop. And those folks that make the big decisions (shadow government as I heard tell) they came up with themselves a plan. As you all know in the late 80’s and early 90’s most of the federal budget was devoted toward repelling the invasion force from the planet Melmac in retaliation to us capturing the head honcho of their orbital guards. It goes without saying that we couldn’t just throw together a Monster Hunting Battalion…boy I still remember the good old days when we DID put together Monster Hunting Battalions…good times. Anyway, they thought themselves up a doozy of a plan; let the people do the work. Americans are a resourceful lot and they always seemed to defeat the forces of evil with a reasonable success rate in the movies, so why not try it in real life! All they needed was some initiative; something to make it worthwhile for the average Joe and Jane out there. So they used the motivational tool that has kept people working harder, longer and using more creativity than anything else in history. They used the satisfaction that comes with doing your best toward a noble goal!

          I’m kidding, they used money.

          The ultimate plan introduced placed a specific point system, and dollar amount, on the monsters. The more dangerous a specific critter was, the more money its destruction or capture brought you. For instance the Behemoth was one of your more powerful creatures and brought nearabouts Five Million dollars! Compare that to a hunchback! Now a hunchback would bring you about 15 bucks and was hardly worth the trouble of clubbing one. On top of that, half the time it just ended up being an elderly person or someone with bad scoliosis and it could quickly become a pretty embarrassing situation. No, you were better off chasing the big beasts; more danger but a whole lot more reward. Someone who brought in a really bad beast like a TV programming executive, got enough reward money to buy the network, and in fact that happened more often in the 90’s than most people think.

          Sgt. Mat “C.H.” Box ran the program as efficiently as a secret paranormal government program coulda been run and in fact received several top secret unofficial medals for his invention of the rubber toy currency tracking system. The medals were of course invisible but the plan they represented was brilliant. A line of “toys” was created and distributed thought the country and a strong advertising campaign made them a national craze. Once customers became hooked, the MIMP administrators began to place information on the REAL purpose behind the collectors items. Each toy represented its ghoulish counterpart; the rubber figures would serve as a visual guide to help in spotting the creature and were marked with the point each creature held to inform the hunter how much cash they would get for bringing it down. Everybody got really into “the hunt” turning in monsters left and right. In fact, even the monsters began to turn in each other. They would collect the reward money, get tossed in monster jail, eat all the guards and then start the whole process over again. After enough guards were eaten and the monsters dispersed, the program soon faded into non-existence.

          With the monster population supposedly dealt with and some nice “walkin’ around money” in the pocket of hunters, everybody walked away happy. The toys became actual collectors items and joined the ranks of trends gone by. But friends, here is a secret just between you and your old pal Claymation Werewolf, those toys are still around if you pay close enough attention. And the real monsters? They‘re around too…try as they might, they never were able to get rid of all of us. Oops! I mean them…

          Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away! And happy huntin’ …

A Very Mogwai Christmas: One Last Christmas In July Wish

First posted on August 2nd, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          I hope everyone out there in range of the Rotting Flesh Radio airwaves had a Morbidly Merry Christmas in July! I just wanted to take a moment to send one more fake Christmas post to bookend this special time of year…and what is Christmas without a little, tasteful commercialism! With that in mind, I bring you an advertisement for one of the most sought after gifts of 1984… The Mogwai!
 
 

          This Christmas if you really care…I mean if you care the least little bit about the people who do so much for you then you need to give them a gift they’ll remember all year! Not a pocket fisherman! Those fall apart…Not a smokeless Ash Tray, those don’t even work! And besides, that it really is just one more slap in the face to us smokers, isn’t it?! I mean really! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A RESTARAUNT! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN THE OFFICE! YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN A BAR!! I MEAN A FREAKING BAR!! AND NOW THEY DON’T WANT SMOKE TO COME OUR OF YOUR ASHTRAY? IT’S AN ASHTRAY!!! IT IS AN ASHTRAY! I MEAN WHAT’S NEXT? NO SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOME??? BETRAYING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE?? BANNING EVERYTH….um…ahem…I apologize for that.

          Anyway, this Christmas give the gift that will last and last…the gift that provides hours of entertainment; the gift that keeps on giving! Give the gift of the Mogwai!

          The Mogwai is a small adorable creature that is sure to make an impression on anyone who receives it! You might think that being a cute fuzzy, adorable talking kitten-rabbit-elf beast might be enough but you would be wrong…oh so terribly wrong. If simply being irresistibly adorable was enough; I could be purchased, wrapped in a ribbon and given away as a Christmas present but that, my friends, has rarely ever happened. No this little monster thing has more than a few tricks up its sleeves! The real secret behind the gift potential of the Mogwai comes in it’s ‘extra features!’

          You see, with a few secret unlock codes your simple country Mogwai can actually create more Mogwais, and not through some gross Mogwai mating or anything. No! Just like every important piece of technology, all you have to do is add water. We at Little Chinatown Shop Industries encourage you to create no more than 11 additional Mogwais per day! Any more than that will exceed the recommended fun limit!

          And speaking of fun; let’s chat for a bit about the most fun feature of all. Your Mogwai, can actually transform from a basic model, into an advanced Mogwai or, as the kids call it, a ‘Gremlin’ This Gremlin is just as cute as a normal Mogwai but scalier, greener, more sinister and with much sharper claws and teeth. You do lose a little bit in the fluffy category but trust me you wont have time to think about it! The highly desirable, and not at all disastrous to civilization Gremlin can be achieved with simple Mogwai food. Here is the trick: simply feed your Mogwai after midnight! And that’s it. Wait until the clock strikes twelve and throw some Mogwai chow into the cage! If for whatever stupid reason you don’t want the Mogwai to become a Gremlin, it is safe to once again feed your pet at…um….actually we haven’t quite worked that out yet. It turns into a Gremlin if you feed it after midnight, but we’re not really sure when “after midnight” ends. But who cares? Once you have an army of Gremlins unleashed on your town, your hands will be full! With wackiness!*

          Super advanced Mogwais such as Spider Mogwai, Genius Mogwai, Striped Mogwai, Electro Mogwai, Thunder-Punch Mogwai or Malibu Mogwai sold at an additional cost.

          So trust me this hypothetical holiday season. No gift exchange will be complete without the greatest gift of all, a Mogwai! Even if Christmas has always brought up bad memories of some ridiculous and terrible tragic event from the past…this Christmas will be different! This Christmas, the machinery of all of those negative feelings will be sabotaged once and for all. Sabotaged by Gremlins!

          And for a limited time, with the purchase of any Mogwai with Mogwai accessories you can also Sit Back, Relax, and ROT AWAY…and have a nice day!

          *Warning: Gremlins not compatible with dogs, movie theatres, or wheelchair stair lifts!

Status Report from Phishbon3s of our leader's plan

Welcome loyal minions of The Claymation Werewolf Digital Digest! I am Phishbon3s; the CW's loyal minion, sidekick, assistant, wife and webmistress.

CW has been on hiatus since January of this year, but he has been making waves and causing confusion and/or chaos on the webs. Rest assured that the Claymation Werewolf has not been shirking his duties as an Alternative Historian. He has just need time to settle into his role as cast and crew for two podcasts!

Yes, our loyal Coo-Coo Cola Cult members, the CW has spread his brand of history to the far reaches of the interweb and has been "opening the eyes" of those poor unknowing nostalgic readers.

As his steadfast companion (at least the only one to survive the trips and experiments), I will be uploading his posts and providing links to the original content for you viewing displeasure!

The Claymation Werewolf has been welcomed into the nostalgic folds of The Retroist on April 4th, 2011 as a Team Retroist Member and is one of new Deadites of the RFR Casket Crew on July 6, 2011 for the Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast. He has been pouring through his texts and tombs, scrapbooks and files to provide insight for both of these podcasts' blogs. And posting he has! Once to twice a week for each! So through the next week I will be uploading his previous posts to his HQ's blog, and providing links to the originals!

You can also follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Myspace!
Claymation Werewolf on Twitter - @ClaymationHowl
CW on Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/claymation.werewolf
CW's Myspace page - http://www.myspace.com/464823705
CW's Deviantart page - http://claymationwerewolf.deviantart.com/

Even I can be helpful (to a degree), so here are the links to both of the Introduction pages of the Claymation Werewolf to the websites that had to incredible forethought to keep him under constant watch... er.... I mean, to keep on his good side.... whatever.

Meet New Retroist Contributor, “The Claymation Werewolf” http://www.retroist.com/2011/04/04/meet-new-retroist-contributor-the-claymation-werewolf/

RFR Casket Crew Welcomes “Claymation Werewolf”: An Introduction http://rfrpodcast.com/2011/07/rfr-casket-crew-welcomes-claymation-werewolf-an-introduction/

CW has assured me that he will still be creating.... I mean, supplying historical documents that will be exclusive to this blog only! Bonus content as it were, for his wonderful minions and readers!



And as always, Ride Free Citizens!

~Phishbon3s

The Phantasm Christmas Special

First posted on July 26th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Deadites! In honor of Rotting Flesh Radio’s Morbidly Merry Christmas In July; I have been getting into the Christmas spirit myself lately. So allow me to discuss one of my all time favorite nostalgic subjects; The Television Christmas Special! Christmas specials are a funny subject; there are the kinds of people who absolutely love them, and then there are the people who are no friends of mine! Regardless of how you feel about these inarguably awesome productions, you have to admit that the public tends only to focus on a handful of these holiday treats and the rest just slip through the cracks. Who knows what causes a Christmas Special to be overlooked…maybe it was ahead of its time? Maybe it just didn’t hit on the right pop culture trends? Maybe it never actually existed? Who knows. The point is among these lost specials are some real hidden gems that deserve to see the light of day, and during this misplaced 100 degree Christmas season, I want to give one of these its just desserts.


          Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Phantasm Christmas Special.

          The year was 1980 and the world was still recovering from the magnificent terror unleashed upon it the year before by the theatrical release of The Phantasm! Don Coscarelli and the executives at Embassy Pictures were frantically trying to find a way to capitalize on the success of the film. There were several meetings, but in the end the decision was obvious; a made-for-TV animated Christmas Special! They turned to Don Bluth, who was unanimously decided to be the perfect animator to the bring the Phantasm to the small screen. Bluth loved the project, going so far as to say that his entire career had been leading him to eventually creating an animated special based on a gory independent horror film. Michael Baldwin, Reggie Bannister and ,of course, Angus Scrimm all reprised their roles as the voice of the characters they made famous. With brilliant animation, a top-notch voice cast and such a recognizable name, it would have been so easy to just phone-in a generic script and coast to profits. Luckily for all of us, Coscarelli chose to pen a tale that did real justice to the Phantasm empire.

          Our story begins with the usual Christmas Special title sequence as we drift through a winter night, blowing among snowflakes as the opening credits appear on the screen to the sounds of a familiar Christmas song, in this case “So This Is Christmas”. The credits wrap up and our story begins.

          Reggie and Mike are driving around at night in Reggie’s Ice Cream truck along the snowy street; past houses covered in twinkling lights and animated Santa Clauses. It may seem strange to see an ice cream truck in the middle of December at night, especially one playing Christmas carols over its speaker system…That is, until you look inside. Reggie had altered his truck and now, rather than cold treats to beat the heat; this truck deals in Christmas cheer! Roasted chestnuts, hot cocoa, candy canes, spiced cider. It’s the perfect rescue wagon for people doing late night yard decoration or chilly carolers.

          The pair wrap up their merry making and pull in to their driveway to warm up. Unfortunately, Mike is feeling anything but warm; still shaken up by the loss of his brother Jody at the hands of a fatal car crash and/or stabbing by a murderous supernatural woman. He excuses himself to go for a nighttime walk as Reggie goes into the house to start making dinner. He walks the snowy town; looking at the beautiful lights and pondering life, family and the holidays…As he walks, he passes a place we can all recognize; his local funeral parlor. To his horror, Mike sees a sight he recognizes even more. The silhouette of a figure a man. A tall man. THE Tall Man! But how could this be? Except for the end scene that may or may not have been a dream, the Tall Man was destroyed! But there he stands against the backdrop of a winter night. And he seems to be carrying a box; a long very heavy looking box. Moments after noticing the Tall Man, the Tall Man notices Mike and the terrible cat-and-mouse game begins anew. And it all starts with the one word that has been haunting Mikes dreams night after night.


          “Boy!”

          As the Tall Man begins his pursuit, Mike runs for all he is worth. He runs up the steps of the clock tower at city hall. Dodging between the bell and the clockwork, he runs with the Tall Man (still carrying his ominous box) in hot pursuit. They tear through the enormous timepiece, frightening the tiny mouse who has been working hard to repair it. Mike runs back down the steps and out of the clock, looking for a safer place to hide. They run through a seedy reindeer bar. The Tall Man chases him through a Christmas tree lot full of nothing but painted aluminum trees. They dodge between Cobra trucks carrying loads of evil rigged toys on their way to GI Joe headquarters. The evil immortal alien chased him down the streets of his town right to the traffic cop, and he only paused a moment when he heard him holler “Boy!” again. By the time they passed Scrooge McDuck’s counting house, TM’s Jawa creatures had joined in the hunt.

          They continued to race through the town, finally arriving at the community center. The River Bottom Nightmare Band was just finishing their set and Mike ran backstage expecting to find a stage door. Instead, he was met with a Christmas tree, some decorations and a solid brick wall. As the Jawas and the Tall Man closed in, Mike realized he had no where else to run and was backed against a wall. The Tall Man and his minions stepped slowly closer and closer in silence. Finally, the stillness was broken as the Tall Man slammed his box to the ground, retrieved something from his pocket and opened his mouth to speak.

          “Boy” he bellowed, “Merry Christmas!”

          Suddenly the Tall Man placed the Santa Claus hat that he had taken from his pocket upon his head. He opened the box that, as it turns out, was full of brightly wrapped Christmas presents! Out from the shadows the Jawas came forward and begin to sing. Quietly at first but growing steadily louder.

          Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!

          Welcome Christmas, come this way!

          Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!

          Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day!


          Gradually the entire group began to sing; the minions, the Riverbottom Nightmare Band, The Tall Guy, even Mike! Then Mike is surprised even further by the arrival of Reggie who smiles knowingly as he joins in on the song. They all clasp hands and sang, finally lighting up the Christmas tree and began to unwrap the gifts brought by Santa Tall Man! It is the greatest Christmas Mike has ever known and he realized in that moment that everything was going to be okay.


          As things began to wind down, the Tall Man stood pointing a finger at Mike and announced, “You might think this is the end boy! But it’s not.” Out of nowhere, a crash erupts behind Mike and two ghoulish hands break through the mirror that was conveniently behind him. The Tall Man continues, “This…Is the end!” The arms are holding a beautiful Christmas wreath with a red silk ribbon and a message in silver glitter.

          The message says, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”



          The End.

The Case for the Evil Witch

First posted on July 20th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Hello fiends! Today we consider one of the greatest sources of bone chilling, spine tingling horror. Yes, hold on to your hats and glasses, I’ve come to you today to talk about Disney Feature Animation!


          The folks at Disney have always been creative geniuses. However there is something in recent years that Disney has begun to value just as much, if not more than the actual properties they develop. You may not know this but Disney has started to take a look at the world of advertising! Yes you heard me correctly, the Magic Kingdom has begun (ever so slightly) to take an interest in the marketing of its characters and films. I know that up until now the house of Mouse has shunned commercialism in all its form, preferring to let their productions speak for themselves.

          Now, since Disney is new to this marketing I want to take this opportunity to explore some areas they might want to focus on, so that sometime in the future they could become a really successful company. For starters, they seem to be aiming a lot of their advertising budget on kids. Now I seriously doubt that Disney’s particular brand of entertainment will ever catch on with our nation’s youth. Obviously thirty-something geeks should be the target audience…I mean, cartoons for kids? Give me a break. But if they do feel like they want to go after a children audience they are going about it all wrong. For instance look at the groups they have picked to be the “role models.” Don’t get me wrong, the idea of grouping their characters allows for easy marketing and themed parties, etc. It’s just that the groups they chose leave much to be desired. On one hand, they’ve got Princesses; spoiled helpless princesses. Now what self respecting child would want to group up to be rich respected royalty with hundreds of servants and an adoring public? To try to answer these hard hitting questions, Disney responded by introducing the “Fairy” line. Now, with the fairies Disney was getting closer to the right track. The leader of the fairies was Tinkerbell, who’s introduction into Disney films showed her to be a supernatural, manipulative and hot-headed being ultimately capable of murder. This is obviously a more suitable figure to look up to, unfortunately so few of us have the ability to become tiny, much less winged; and checking to see if clapping can bring us back from the brink of certain death doesn’t seem worth the risk. No. Fairies, while a nice try, does not cut it either. The character Disney should focus on, the characters that could really put the company on the map, the characters that both children and adults of all ages can no doubt look up to, are the evil witches.

          The evil witch has long been a beloved figure in popular culture. Whether they are helping to feed lost children in the woods by creating incredible works of gingerbread construction, or building a young woman’s self confidence by placing real-world obstacles before her as she journeys through the land of oz. Evil witches have proven themselves to be noble, helpful and resourceful ladies. Disney has taken this art form and ran with it. So let us take a look at some of the wonderful witchy women of the Disney Universe.


          Yzma – A wise and yes, I’ll say it, incredibly attractive master of magic…lover of animals, and respected mentor to her assistant Kronk.

          Lady Tremaine- Perhaps one of the classiest of all the witches while not an official witch per-se; I would be willing to bet that if given the option of possessing awesome and dark powers she would use them (to do only the best things of course for her two…whoops, I mean three daughters)

          Cruella DeVil – Also not in possession of traditional evil magic she does wield the evil magic known as fashion. And wield it she does! She proves that you can produce real artistic expression using anything you happen to have around.

          Maleficent – Possibly the greatest of all evil witches! She can teach us all that if you really stick to a plan and never give up hope, in the end an innocent person will fall victim to your cruel and horrific curse. Plus, she can turn into a fire breathing dragon…what little girl doesn’t dream of that?!.

          Evil Queen (Snow White) – Proof that unrivaled beauty and unfathomable wisdom can exist in one person. Master of disguise, genius detective and apple saleswoman extraordinaire. Did I mention that when she talks to her mirror, it talks back?

          Ursula – Four words: Va va va voom! This full-figured big-hearted queen of the sea has more than a few tricks up her sleeves (all eight of them!) while she posses power than anyone would absolutely kill for, she never passes up a chance to help out those poor unfortunate souls out there…for a small price of course.


          So there you have it…the greatest group of role models that we as a society could ever hope for. Intelligent, resourceful and possessing both inner AND out beauty. Disney just need to come to its senses and give those femme fatales the publicity they so richly deserve. And think of the parties! Candy apples, lever pulling contests, Lady Tremaine floor scrubbing lessons! Games of capture the puppies, and who stole the voice? There really is no end to the fun that could be had! So if Disney is reading this (and why wouldn’t they be?), give these evil witches a chance, and you just might be surprised. I am absolutely sure that together they will cast a monstrous, terrifying and nightmarish curse…of fun!

          Until next time; Sit Back Relax and Rot Away!…and have a nice day.

Eating Purple People? Or much Worse?

First posted on July 15th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link

 
 
          Monsters. They come in all shapes and sizes. They all have different motivations but never forget that they are all very dangerous. Some monsters come from the darkest bowels of our world but sometimes they don’t come from our world at all. The history of these “visitations” has been a constant source of debate throughout society and has been largely ridiculed by those who claim to be experts in the journalism and science communities. Even the most extreme skeptics however would have to admit that there have been cases that aren’t so easily explained away. Cases that are so compelling that anyone would have to admit that maybe, just maybe, they’re true.

          Today I would like to talk to you about one such case, a case that has been suppressed by those in power over the years but at the time of “the event” caused an incredible stir. On August 2nd 1958, a young farmer by the name of Sheb Wilhelm Wooley was out in the fields inspecting his crops, picking up handfuls of dirt and letting them run through his fingers…basically doing all the things that farmers enjoy. At around 2 o’clock pm , while Sheb was adjusting his scarecrow, he noticed a flash above him, and then what appeared to be something coming out of the sky. As the object grew closer, Sheb realized it was heading directly for his farm. He was able to avoid the impact and the scattered debris, but his farm was not so lucky.


          The otherworldly object tore through the middle of his land, displacing all of his carefully organized dirt and killing his scarecrow. Consumed by confusion, terror and heartbreak at the loss of his straw-stuffed friend he approached the crash sight to investigate. What had appeared to be a silver streak when in flight now looked to be a craft of some sort. Badly damaged but still structurally sound. He approached the ship and suddenly it began to hum. Then it started to rock, really rocking around. It was a crazy movement that he had never seen before and he started to quickly back away when the ship opened. A creature stepped from the shadows of the craft. An alien, a…monster. And monster was a good description according to Wooley, the creature was covered in fur from head to toe. In the center of what you would call its face, was an enormous eye and at the top of his head was one long horn. Sheb has gone on record as saying “Ooh eeh, as it stepped into the daylight it commenced a shaking, I still got me a fairly good look at it. It had the look of….well I guess the best way I could put it is that it looked like some sort of people eater. Maybe even a purple people eater but I’m not sure.” When asked if he meant the alien was purple he replied. “Well sir! I tend to be fairly vague on that particular subject. I have to admit I was horrified, I actually began to beg the creature to spare my life, and ideally not eat me” The creature seemed confused and then after possibly taking a moment to process our language said, and I can still remember it like it was yesterday, it said “I wouldn’t eat you because your so tough.” It seemed utterly ridiculous. The creatures voice was so gruff… and yet, it was also high pitched and not gruff in the least…I can’t explain it, it was a confusing time. The creature than began to fly by its own power.

          This one eyed beast eventually landed on a tree. It looked undeniably menacing and Sheb Wooley knew instinctively that while he might not be directly in danger,this creature would feed and WE were its food. He tried to keep the creature talking and come up with some sort of plan but the monster seemed to see right through his actions. It started to cause the tree to swing and sway all the while talking about a plan to blend in to society enough to begin a proper “harvest“. What happened next is best expressed in Wooley‘s own words “Well bless my soul that monster transformed before my eyes he began to look more and more human all the while creati’n this terrible sound kinda like a boop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom. Now you understand that’s not word for word but it was something pretty similar.”

          After it completed its horrific transformation and went on its way, Sheb tried to reassemble the shattered remnants of his life. But never seemed to be able to go back to life among the normal. One evening while watching the television he saw a report about a riot at a rock concert. One girl in extremely short shorts was being interviewed and began to frantically talk about a member of the band. Apparently, during the concert one of “people” on stage suddenly grew a horn from the top of his head and began to blast an incredibly loud sound from it. He dove among the confused audience and chaos ensued. Very few of the people attending the audience survived as most were either brutally killed by the rampaging rocker, or trampled by fellow victims trying to escape.


          As Wooley watched in disgust, a powerful fire began to rise within him and he knew what he had to do he had to stop the people eater. He armed himself with all of the high tech weaponry and state of the art armor available to the average farmer and sought out a partner, a partner by the name of Dr. Elliot Demento. Dr. Demento is one of the most respected theoretical biologists in history and would be key to finding a weakness in the creature’s physiology and bring him down. Understandably, it took a little convincing to get Demento on board. “When Sheb first approached me I actually laughed him out of the office, I mean wouldn’t you? A one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater? Sure looks strange to me! But after seeing his persistence I finally took a real look at all of the evidence. It totally blew me away. I mean, this was real and it needed to be stopped. Not everyone believes us but we know our destiny and we will succeed.”

          No one has heard anything from Wooley or Demento in many years but it is my true belief that they are still out there still hunting the monster that in turn hunts us all. I think they will destroy the creature, save us all, and go down in history finally gaining the respect and the appreciation of all of the people they have spent their lives attempting to protect.

          …Tequila.

No Chills in the Summer

First posted on July 13th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Okay, I realize that I’m a new guy here in the Casket Crew. The last thing that I would want to do is make waves while you ghouls are just getting to know me but sometimes I’ve just got to speak my mind. So at the risk of being controversial I’m just going to come right out and say it; I think Halloween should be in the autumn. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t celebrate that spooky holiday 365 days a year. Of course we should. I just believe that fear works best when kept cool.

          I was driving through the countryside with my werewolf bride today, it was about 86 degrees outside and we had the windows down. The sky was blue, the sun was shining and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. As I looked across the fields of green grass, blooming flowers and singing songbirds, the thought hit me. Boy, do I hate summer.


          It seems strange that I would despise a season that everyone else seems to love but I do. To begin with I hate the heat and always have. Not only does the heat rear its ugly head in the summer but so does it’s source. The horrible, horrible sun. Because of my pale “redhead” skin, I sunburn very easily and in fact can sunburn while sitting in the shade. Some days, when I walk outside into sunlight it’s all I can do to keep from pulling my cloak over my face and hissing. All that being said, the worst thing about summer has to be the fact that it feels so far away from everything creepy. The days get longer, the nights get shorter and the streets fill up with the one thing I really do fear. Other people. I always miss the chill in the air, the early sunsets, the wind blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk as they rustle around your feet. All these things announce to me the impending arrival of trick or treat, of bobbing for apples and of costume parties. In short the arrival of Halloween.

          Horror in general is at its eerie best in the fall. Monsters strike while school is in session. Ancient horrors return with the harvest moon and unless you happen to be at a summer camp, it is the height of poor taste to be a slasher in the summertime. One of the only things about summer that I appreciate are the barbeques and they RARELY get invaded by zombies. There are no vampire pool parties (or baseball games!) And creatures of unspeakable evil from the darkest depths of Hell do not enjoy flying kites. Fall is the time for bonfires for ghost stories and for the heavy consumption of alcohol, followed by the casual sex that will lead to your grisly doom.


          I hope I haven’t made any enemies out there. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who wishes for cold rain, biting wind and grey skies. Who longs for the day that the watermelons in the fields are replaced with pumpkins…Who dreams of fall.

          There are a lot of things at home in the bright sunny summertime. Children’s animated movies for instance! I’m just saying, if I end up being slaughtered by a cruel and twisted maniac neither alive nor dead with a rotted heart full of rage and revenge, then that would be bad. If this same slaughter happens and I also have to be hot and sweaty with the sun in my eyes? That just seems unnatural.

          Until next time…Sit Back Relax and Rot Away…and have a nice day!

Poor Marilyn: Part of America’s First Halloween Families of the Golden Age

First posted on July 6th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

 
 
 
          While I was in the yard today, watering the weeds, I was thinking about the American family. My thoughts of course soon turned to one of the first families of Halloween, The Munsters. I have always been a huge fan of The Munsters and still to this day delight in their presentation of the all-American way of life.


          While the show likes to explore the spooky side of things in a good natured kind of way, one element of the show rises past the light-hearted fun side of classic monsters and crosses straight over into the realm of terror. One character on the show cranks the horror up a notch and adds the edge that has made it tough to watch for some more “sensitive” viewers. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I am, of course, speaking of Marilyn Munster. Never before in the history of television have producers dared to present a character so gruesome, so terrifying and so plain! How Marilyn is related to a family as normal as the Munsters, no one will ever know.

          Let’s take a closer look (if we can bear it) at what separates this unfortunate girl from her more normal relatives. While she tries her best to fit in it’s obvious on sight that Marilyn Munster is destined to be an outcast. First of all she’s blonde. Blonde! Her hair is the golden color of sunshine on a field of flowers. It’s enough to make you sick, it isn’t dark or oily in the least. If that wasn’t enough, the rest of her is, if anything, even more plain. Her body is soft and curvaceous without the smallest hint of that sallow rigor mortis look that drives all the boys wild. And her complexion doesn’t have a single flaw or scar. Her skin seems to glow with life and color, and sometimes (and this is difficult for me to say) a tan. I mean, one would think that the girl had never even been dead! Her family is constantly trying to find a nice sickly looking boy to take her out but it can’t be easy. The boys that Marilyn seems to go for look like they should be on the cover of one of those horror mags you see at the supermarket checkout lane; GQ, Esquire, Sports Illustrated and the like.


          Despite the unappealing nature of these young men, they don’t stay interested for too long. Even when she does find a boy patient enough to date her and brings them home to meet the family, they end up running away in terror.

          And who can blame them? After all the girl never learned how to sew spider webs, can’t bake bat soufflé to save her death, and when she dusts the house she actually REMOVES the dust that was already there! She enjoys sporting events, dances, even rock and roll concerts! Worst of all she goes out in the daytime, on purpose! Picnics, strolls in the park; the whole nine yards. There seems to be no limit to her bizarre behavior.

          I’m a strong believer that variety is the spice of life and I like to think that there is someone out there for everyone. So maybe somewhere there might actually be someone for Marilyn Munster. Despite her flaws, her many, many flaws, she really is a sweet girl and always seems to try her best. Maybe she can find a boy who can overlook all these little quirks. Look past the radiant skin and the bright blue eyes. The sunny personality and the strange daytime hobbies…But the blonde hair? How much can one guy take?

          Talk to you again real soon, and until next time…Sit Back, Relax and Rot Away! And have a nice day.



Visit the Official Munsters Page at: http://www.munsters.com/