The Girl Version

First posted on March 4th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

          The 80’s were an amazing time to be alive and a kid. Every show was a cartoon whether it was animated or not. Each home came with hot and cold (mostly cold) running Slurpees. Sticker technology was reaching new peaks at what seemed like a weekly rate and then there were…the toys. Toys were AMAZING in the 1980’s! They glowed in the dark, they transformed into other toys, they smelled like stuff. They could do anything! Whether a boy wanted to be a police officer, a soldier, or a prince/barbarian warrior; there was a toy for that and each one was great. If there was any property in existence it had a cartoon and that cartoon had a toy. Even toys like Monchichis had cartoons and that didn’t even make any sense!

          The 80’s were also a time of another kind of change. See, up until then toys with any real level of coolness at all were boys toys where as girls toys were largely training devices created to equip the women of tomorrow with the necessary skills of cooking, house cleaning and caring for children. For some reason that is totally beyond me, people in power decided that was wrong and in 1981 The Congress of the United States passed the Childhood Recreation Hippiefication Act; demanding “awesomeness equality” across all toy gender borders.

          Totally blindsided by the bill, toy companies had to act fast and soon America was treated to a whole new world. The world of girl toys. Not given time to begin developing original girl toy concepts, the first girl toys were basically the “girl version” of popular boy toys. The most famous of these toys was Barbie, developed in 1983 as a girl toy answer to the popular large “action figures” know as GI Joe Action Force. The dolls proved almost immediately to be nearly as popular as the GI Joes themselves and have actually gained popularity as the years have gone by… What’s that you say? Barbie actually came out BEFORE GI Joe and was MORE poplar? And they actually came out in 1959 and 1964 respectively, not in 82 and 83? And the GI Joes of the 1980’s weren’t of the giant Action Force variety, they were the 3 ¾” Real American Hero Toys? ….Sshhhhh. I’m trying to write a blog.

          GI Joes and Barbies aside, the concept of the “Girl Version” toys were rampant throughout the 80’s. Sadly, some of these have been overlooked or even forgotten over the years, and these are the toys I would like to showcase today. Submitted for your approval, The Top (random) Five Girl Versions of boy toys in the 1980’s!

#1 She-Ra, Princess of Power

          In the 80’s He-Man had the power and boys everywhere became obsessed with not only the cartoons, showcasing his adventures but the huge line of toys that allowed them to create adventures of their own. But something was missing. The young girls of America cried out for a fierce warrior they could call their own! And in 1985 the characters of Masters of the Universe suddenly remembered that Adam used to have a twin sister named Adora who got kidnapped as an infant by Hordak and swept away to some other planet. And through the amazing powers of RetCon, She-Ra was born. Girls everywhere started following the weekly adventures of She-Ra as her and the rebel forces of Whispering Woods fought to free Etheria from Hordak and a bunch of scary looking, bumbling minions. Even boys loved watching the She-Ra animated series (I wasn’t the only one…right?) but that equality, for the most part, did not extend to the toy line. The toys, while technically action figures, were very much still dolls. They had “real” hair, they were pink and purple, glittery and shimmery. Even Swiftwind, who was never that tough looking to begin with, was for some reason purple and see-through. Looking back I can see what Hasbro was going for, the perfect mesh of doll and action figure, something that would appeal to girls of all stripes and for the most part I think it worked…Now MOTU collectors (even the dudes) are sure to make Princess of Power toys a valuable part of their Hasbroian Army.

  

#2 Kid Sister

          Back in the 80’s if there was one single thing kids everywhere wanted, it was for a smaller kid to constantly follow them around and do everything that they did. While those of us that actually had younger siblings questioned the wisdom of this, it was still a fact and one brave toy company called Hasbro took notice. In 1985 they introduced a new toy called My Buddy to the delight of those kids who wanted their small companion to be a lifeless, smiling doll that was so creepy that it ended up inspiring a horror movie (I don’t care what the creators say, Chucky was based on My Buddy…not Cabbage Patch Kids.)

          Girls it seemed also wanted a little brat that wouldn’t leave them alone and copied everything they did…everything! And wanted all the same toys and stuff too! I mean come on! You didn’t even like ninjas, why did you want a ninja costume like mine? But nooooo, you just had to whine until Mom and Dad bought you one too…ahem… sorry about that. Anyway after the release of Kid Sister, both boys and girls could drag a giant doll around while they climbed trees, pulled wagons and rode their Big Wheels. My parents actually fought the giant crowds to buy me a my buddy for Christmas the year of My Buddy Mania! In the long run it ended up scaring my actual little brother so badly that he had constant nightmares and it had to be packed away. I guess they weren’t ALL bad after all!

#3 Polly Pocket

          When I was a kid, everyone was pretty worried about over population…high rise apartments became more popular than ever and everything started to get smaller. Home electronics began to back away from giant furniture sized versions, to portable units, cars began to be more compact and toys got smaller. In fact toys got Waaaaayyy smaller. Working under the assumption that children would soon have to contain their entire play area within an area the size of a small lunch box, a huge chain of miniature toys started appearing on miniature toy shelves everywhere. There were the terrifyingly tiny Monster In My Pockets! The Pint Sized Powerhouses known as Muscle Men and diminutive drivers everywhere fell in love with Micro Machines. The two toy lines who really knew how to do small were Polly Pocket and Mighty Max. They were whole tiny worlds; Mighty Max had miniature dungeons…enemies, …allies…everything! Polly Pocket had teeny-tiny characters as well but that wasn’t all. The little characters had little pets and little clothes, little furniture etc… it was the best! And the most amazing part of all was that her whole house came in a small closeable package that could fit right in your backpack. If, for instance, you were a boy that wanted to play with Polly Pocket but wanted to keep it hidden because the other kids couldn’t accept the fact that you liked the toys because you had a serious interest in domestic engineering and fashion, not because I… um… I mean whichever kid was a sissy! Anyway Polly Pocket and her male counterpart Mighty Max were HUGE in the 80’s. In the smallest possible way of course.

#4 Easy Bake Oven

         One of the strangest examples of a Girl Version toy would have had to be the Easy Bake Oven. In 1984 Mattel decided that male kids should learn some household skills after all but at the same time they knew that boys hated cooking…they hated ovens, hell, they even hated food. What boys like were gross things; bugs, slimy things, creatures. Kids wanted slimy critters and please, for all that is good in the world don’t make them edible! So low and behold boys everywhere started mixing ingredients and putting them in an oven to cook. Of course they had to use terms like Plasticgoop and Thingmaker but dammit, those kids were cooking. At this point, toy companies were blindly copying boy toys to make equivalents for girls and what resulted was one of the biggest blunders of the “girl version” era. The easy bake oven was designed to be a Creepy Crawler Thingmaker that would appeal to girls. Well, as science has proven, while boys like snails, worms and frogs; girls are into sugar and spice and everything nice. And that is what they used in the girl creature making devices. The resulting creatures actually ended up being delicious pastries and Mattel had gone full circle creating a toy that taught girls how to be good housewives. The federal government leveled huge fines against the company but it was too late. Those delicious light bulb cooked confections had made their way into society. Mmmm, brownies.

#5 Sweet Secrets

         Transforming Toys were all the rage in the 80’s. I’m sure everyone reading this knows all about the Go Bots and their inferior and less respected cousins the Transformers. They changed from robots to vehicles or a gun…or a cassette player etc. But they were far from being the only transforming toys out there. I still have strange eggs that transform (after a lot of work) into animals…a red cheetah, a gorilla and another animal that I can’t think of right now. There were knock-off transformers, transforming non-robot vehicles; even He-Man had a couple transforming dudes that changed from boulders to boulder-men hybrids but one line of transforming toys was more mysterious…more nefarious and more secretive than any others and that toy was Sweet Secrets. Sweet Secrets actually encouraged girls to deceive everyone around them. To never, under any circumstances let any of your loved one see that your compact, lipstick, hand mirror etc were actually toys. Apparently girls were starting to collapse under the constant pressure to be a glamorous, high fashion member of society wearing enormous hard plastic jewelry. They were desperate to hide the terrible secret that they occasionally liked to play with tiny bejeweled dolls and animals. It was a hard life and I guess Sweet Secret helped take some of the enormous burden off of the shoulders of girls in the 80’s.

          At the end of the day I think the Girl Version phenomenon was a success. It helped proved that anyone could relax and enjoy themselves, even girls. In fact I sometimes wish that the trend had spread into every facet of toy design. Imagine a girl version of MadBalls or M.A.S.K. or Sky Commanders? When you start to think about what might have been, it can be mind blowing. Now, if you don’t mind I better help Polly Pocket get back to her housework. After all, this tiny little house isn’t going to vacuum itself, is it?

Cloudy With a Chance of Purple Rain

First posted on February 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

Of all the tiny, effeminate, African-American mainstream pop culture mega-stars of the 1980’s and 90’s, few drew as many comparisons as Prince and Michael Jackson. For me however there was never any comparison. As a kid I was a huge Michael Jackson fan, in fact, Thriller was one of the first three albums I ever owned. I have distinct memories of listening to that record, especially the title track and especially the Vincent Price part

But it was so much more than a record. The video was like a miniature horror movie with pop music. It was epic! I remember the disclaimer in the beginning with Michael’s declaration that the video was just for fun and he didn’t believe in the occult and was neither a zombie or a werewolf…or something like that. After all, the last thing Michael Jackson would ever have wanted to do was develop a negative public reputation. I even remember standing in a department store (probably Service Merchandise) in front of a wall of TVs, playing Thriller’s behind the scenes featurette. It demonstrated the makeup choreography and everything else that went into making such a groundbreaking music video.


The reason I never compared the two as a kid is that I didn’t even have any idea who Prince even was. Apparently, for some reason my parents thought that songs like “Darling Nikki” and “Erotic City” weren’t suitable for their kid to listen to! That being the case, my knowledge of the music and career of Prince has been sadly lacking…until now. Through my assigned research for the Cold Slither Podcast, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about the life and times of the royalty turned pop star Prince Albertinican.

The son of King Albertinican ruling monarch of all of Purpletopia, was always a little…different. He never showed much interest in his training and would sometimes skip his royal classes all together. At times it seemed as though he didn’t even want to be groomed to eventually rule Purpletopia, and truth be told he didn’t. His love above everything else, was music. He traveled to the Americas to pursue musical training causing outrage among the noble class of his country. The scandal eventually forced his father to public disown the young prince and remove all royal titles.


Meanwhile the Prince who now had begun to defiantly use Prince as his stage title had started to make quite a name for himself in the United States pop music scene. Capitalizing on Americas love of shirtlessness, his music videos were constantly at the top of whatever list measures the success of music videos! It looked as though this dishonored prince would rule after all. There was only one thing standing in his way. It seemed that in the United States, pop music already had royalty…it had a king named Michael Jackson.

It seemed that with every move Prince Made, that dastardly Jackson was one step ahead of him. Prince wrote a hit song, Michael wrote a mega hit! Prince got a sweet endorsement deal with the RC Cola Soda-Pop company and Michael Jackson gets an even better deal with Pepsi. Prince sets the hearts of millions of teenage girls on fire. Michael sets his hair on fire! It seemed there was nothing he could do to get the better of MJ. Then one weekend in an RC Cola (he had a lifetime supply) -fueled eruption of creativity Prince created one of the most staggeringly triumphant records to ever get into the unworthy hands of Mr. and Mrs. America. That album had everything the hits just kept coming.


The world held it’s breath to see how Jackson would respond. And respond he did. Thriller, as an album sold mildly the darker turn in the lyrics put some people off and nearly everyone was afraid of tiger cubs

What put Michael Jackson’s Thriller over the top was the music video for the title track. America suddenly had Thriller-mania and even Prince’s constant lack of shirts where not enough to help his video steal any of Michael Jackson’s thunder.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was everything in the 80's.

What Prince needed was a huge overproduced special effects music video extravaganza of his own! He needed a signature purple rain video. It would have supernatural elements but no monsters. Monsters were played out already. And besides, it was common knowledge that prince was deathly afraid of the dark. What he needed was a “Prince” video full of flair…full of sex appeal…full of Prince.


Here was the pitch:

It opens with a shirtless (of course) Prince wearing only tight leather pants and an ascot. He is on a picnic date with three women on a beach. The women all of whom are for some reason barely covered by sheets, feed him grapes and dab the sweat from his brow with silk scarves.

He begins to ask them if they would all like to be his “steady girl” when suddenly storm clouds fill the air and the skies open up with a downpour of the most beautiful purple rain imaginable. Prince, realizing that the violet rain will trigger his transformation gets so upset that he has to fan himself with a paper plate.


Before the eyes of the horrified (and by horrified, I mean turned on) women his leather pants rip apart and his legs are replaced by a glistening purple mermaid tail. He crawls (seductively) to the ocean shore and disappears head on into a crashing wave. There was no huge constantly imitated dance sequence. In the Purple Rain Video, when Prince transformed into a Mer-Prince it mostly consisted of him playing a seashell guitar, singing sexy lyrics to dolphins and writhing inappropriately on a coral reef.

Under the sea he swims and swirls amid sparkling lights and brightly colored bubbles chasing mermaids who giggle and play hard to get. Eventually in a twist ending the women on the beach are able to turn themselves into mermaids as well through the sheer force of their sex-drive. And Mer-Prince and the 85 Mer-Loves of his life frolic into the distance, beneath the briny deep.


To the lucky few who saw the purple rain music video, it stands alone as one of the greatest triumphs of any performers career in the history of the world. Had it aired the video itself may have actually replaced music entirely, such was it’s majesty. People who saw only seconds of it we said to have wept with joy for weeks afterward.

In the end however, it turned out that the Studio President’s Father had been killed by a mermaid and the whole project was scrapped.

They decided to just make a feature length movie about a singer instead.

An Open Letter to the Owners Of Scooby.

First posted on February 19th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

I’m going to be completely honest here guys. This post is about Scooby Doo Where Are You? If you see this blog entry at all it’s going to be HEAVILY edited. Some of the things I say make some very powerful people, very unhappy. I once wrote a smear piece about The X-Men’s Cyclops and it never even saw the light of day.

The fact remains that I never liked Scooby-Doo. Sure, I watched it as a kid but I also wore spandex shorts, denim shoes and drank two gallons of Kool-Aid a day.


But don’t worry, I’m not going to spend this whole article ripping on a cartoon that many people hold dear as an important piece of childhood nostalgia. I want to try to promote a positive atmosphere…I want to bring the online geek world together, not tear them apart…I want to…keep my job. In spite of my strong sense of self preservation, I feel like it would be irresponsible for me not to speak my mind. Even on a subject as harshly polarizing as Scooby Doo and the Mystery Gang.


An OPEN LETTER TO WHOEVER THE HELL OWNS SCOOBY DOO NOW:


Dear Sir or Madame…or Ghost?

Your intellectual property Scooby Doo, is about to be featured in an episode of the Cold Slither Podcast. This will no doubt bring your little underground show to the big leagues and when that happens all of it’s little “flaws” are going to be exposed under the harsh light of The Cold Slither Nation. Since I am recognized world-wide as a powerful, pretend cartoon expert and in that capacity, I want to try to help you guys make this Scooby Doo thing take off. With the right direction it could develop into something on par with Captain Caveman or even JabberJaw!

Look…as sad as it might be, Don Knotts is gone. He isn’t going to be able to carry your show anymore. And since there is NO ONE around today that could be that caliber of guest star your going to have to try to be a little more creative.

Scooby Doo got some huge street-cred when they asked Batman to guest star. Why not open that up to the Batman of today? I’m sure that Christian Bale would lend his goofy, cookie monster voice to the show… Of course, he might beat up a couple members of your staff, but I’m telling you that it’s gonna bring in the fans!


The one thing that Scooby Doo has always done well is the supernatural angle.

Image by Alex Pardee

The kids today love horror…look at the popularity of True Blood and Monster Squad and uh…Lost Boys, okay some of those might not be current but my people tell me that there are some supernatural vampiry type shows that are just going gangbusters right now! The one mistake they always made was that the monster always ended up being Old Man Withers or something…wearing some kind of super realistic and incredibly flexible rubber mask. What the cartoon fans want today is real monsters! Real Danger! Evil! The Occult!

Here’s what I’m thinking: Bring in Guest Stars that are actual movie slashers! You could cross promote and brind a real edge to the show Picture it!


“A Scooby Doo Mystery…on Elm St.”

“The really New Scooby Doo Movies: The Mystery Gang Meets Leather Face!”

Image By Bingo Gastation

You might ultimately have to kill off one or two members of the Mystery Gang but who cares. Just kill Velma! After all that whole “I lost my glasses” gag wasn’t even funny the first time!


While I’m on the subject of improvement; not enough has been done in the past to capitalize on the amazing leaps in sandwich technology that Scooby Doo brought to the nation. We need to have at least 50 percent more sandwich scenes. The kids today love sandwiches. Both my little rugrats take the things to school damn near every day. And they are BORING. Peanut butter and jelly or maybe turkey and swiss. These sandwiches are small enough to fit in a lunchbox they don’t have whole wedges of cheese or entire fishes or a turkey drumstick or anything on them! Its like our youth has forgotten what it means wander (in a marijuana induced stupor) into a kitchen in a clearly abandoned, haunted house, raid the illogically well stocked ice box and pile everything you find in it between to slices of bread!

Here are some things that we don’t need:

While I wholly encourage your writers to “Bump up the weird” on this show. And no I don’t mean the kind of weird that we’ve been given in the most recent verstion of the cartoon. That was weird in a bad, uncomfortable kind of way. For instance; we don’t need a scene with Velma and Shaggy making out, Scooby catching them and then accusing Shaggy of “cheating on him”

I can also do without any more musical crossovers. It was fine when you could score top notch acts like The Mamas and the Papas, Jerry Reed or The Harlem Globetrotters; but if producers reached out to “musicians” today, who knows what we could end up with. I picture an animated, nightmare world full of terrible musical acts that are if anything less real than the cartoon they would be appearing on. If any of you were tossing around the idea of Scooby Doo meets: Lady Gaga…Justin bieber…or *shudders* The Insane Clown Possee…please! For the love of Scooby Snacks reconsider! After all were trying to raise a new generation of Scooby Doo fans. Not sending our children down a path so dark and hopeless there might be no escape!

If you don’t take these obvious steps to drag your cartoon out of it’s rut, then I don’t know what to tell you. Your wasting TV space, your wasting good animation and you’re wasting my time. I mean come on guys!

Zoinks!

A Button…For Corduroy

First posted on November 23th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

And used for a LoEB post~

We all remember the heartwarming book “Corduroy” by Don Freeman. This tale of an adorable Bear’s quest to replace the missing button on his overalls.

This journey eventual ends with him finding something much more valuable; a new home (spoiler alert!). His plush adventures were an inspiration to all of us and at the same time, helped contribute to our generation’s crushing sense of guilt whenever we, for any reason, separate ourselves from our childhood toys.


Yes, we all know the story but what you may not know is that in 1989, that story was almost sullied forever. And by sullied, I mean made more awesome than any of us could possibly imagine.

Illustration by the Illustrious Sean Hartter

A young, aspiring director and destroyer of treasured memories named Michael Bay was taking Hollywood by storm! Or, at least that’s what he hoped to do. Up until then, he had only done day work, directing Super-Dave Osbourne shorts and Toonces the Driving Cat skits on Saturday Night Live. While he displayed an almost supernatural gift for absurd scenes of unnecessary destruction, he wanted more. Michael was sure that all he needed was one good project, something to really sink his teeth into.

A film that could really show the awesome magnitude of exploding cars that he was capable of. On August 12th while vacationing with family, he ducked into a quaint used book shop. There among its adorably dusty shelves he saw it…his dream project. A small but beautifully illustrated children’s book called “Corduroy.” At first glance the precious book might not have seemed like prime action film material but Bay had a plan. He had a vision. AND he had a pitch!


The film pitch has long been an honored tradition that very few have ever done as well as Michael Bay. Of all the pitches he ever made, his Corduroy pitch reached almost legendary status. To this very day, directors and producers alike described the pitch with barely contained delight and why wouldn’t they? Just in case you’ve never heard its contents…folks say it went a little something like this.

The story opens in the home of a Navy Seal named Roy “Corduroy” Ross. He is standing at his front door in full uniform, packed and ready to go.

He is stern looking and very physically imposing. He is also a large Bear. His beautiful wife and adorable daughter stand, holding back tears and trying to prolong the moment until his departure. He steps forward to his wife and says “You take care of yourself, Sara”. She sadly smiles and gives a playful salute; “Yes Sir”. He salutes back with a serious look and says “At ease!” They stare at each other then both break out into laughter. As the laughter begin to subside he leans in and passionately kisses his wife and then they embrace…”You come back to me safe.” she whispers.


“I promise.”

Finally it is time to say goodbye to his daughter. This is visibly difficult for him but he drops to his knees, pulls her into a hug and kisses her forehead. “Be good, my tough little soldier”

“I will. I love you, Daddy.”

“And I love you.”

He finally stands and turns to go, taking one last look at the family he has to leave behind, then he turns and bravely marches down the front walk. Halfway to the car he is brought to a halt by a yell from his daughter.

“Daddy Wait!”

His little girl rushes up to meet him, hugs him again and then hands him something. “Take this with you Daddy, so you won’t forget about me!”

He takes it and chuckles, “Baby…how could I ever forget about you?” He looks at the object in his paw and realizes it’s a button. A pink and blue button that says World’s Best Daddy! Smiling, he attaches the button to his uniform, smiles at his family and giving a little wave he climbs into his jeep and drives away.

The scene fades to black and then back up as we are now in the hold of a large airplane. The scene is darkly lit and loud. Seals in combat uniforms sit in a row against the wall. A large graying Bear named General Zummi Gumitski, shouts orders over the roar of the plane. The soldiers will be dropped behind enemy lines to take out a manufacturing depot responsible for the vast majority of all of the weapons and explosives that have been smuggled to the frontlines of the war. Recently the tides of battle have begun to shift in favor of the Bulls and this weapons depot has played a large part in that. The seven soldiers being sent must kill the guards, collect the files with locations of the remaining supply lines and destroy the facility. All of this must be done before a large convoy of Bull soldiers arrives to collect supplies for their journey to the front lines. The Bear soldiers collected are the best in the world and if any Bears can accomplish this nearly impossible task…it is them.

As the debriefing continues the camera pans down the line across the brave Bears willing to risk life and limb for the good of Bear Country. As we pass over the soldiers we see Yo Gi, Bradley PoohBear, Harris (Hair) Bear, Foster (Fozzie) Wakanson, Barry Louis (Balloo) and Garrison (Grumpy) Gloomstien. Finally we come to rest on our star, Corduroy with the look of a survivor in his eyes. Black camo paint across his face and a bright pink and blue button pinned to his chest! When the plane comes into position the Bears line up at the open door and one by one jumped without hesitation into the night air.

After landing and regrouping the soldiers set out on their mission. At this point in the film we are given a chance to get to know our central characters better. There is playful ribbing between the Bears as they let off steam in preparation for battle. This would be a great point in the movie for really witty action movie-type dialogue. Questioning each others Bearlyness. We really need to capture the hearts of our viewers in this scene, really make the movie going public care about these characters so we need to capture all of the powerful charisma and personality shown by legendary actors like Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal!

As the Bear jamboree makes its way across the desert, the elite team playfully makes jokes and talk about their personal lives in inappropriately elaborate detail; almost as if they were in some sort of movie, rather than a serious and important military mission. Finally, they arrive at the weapons depot and the carnage begins. First two guards get silently killed by the cool ‘sneak up behind them and twist their heads around’ thing. Another guard gets the survival knife thrown into the back (classic!). Eleven more guards fire from atop the security wall and are all shot with machine gun, falling off one by one. Three of them do the Wilhelm Scream. After getting past the perimeter defense force they begin to Bear crawl on their stomachs into the heart of the base. Unfortunately not all the team members cared as much about stealth. Ever the maverick hothead; PoohBear suddenly charged forward, machine gun blazing. The silly old Bear took out nine soldiers before being brought down.

Unfortunately he also gave away any element of surprise the team might have had. Now the team had to fight in earnest. They fought their way to the center of the facilities and Corduroy secured the information they needed. All they had left to do was escape. Leaving a bloody trail of Bull behind them, the team stormed through to the exit. They crashed through the gate and walked away from the compound. Without stopping, Fozee threw a grenade over his shoulder and into the compound. In true, bad@#$ fashion, none of the Bears looked back as an explosion ripped through the blackness of the night behind them. They arrived at the designated evacuation spot. And Corduroy stopped dead in his tracks. As the rest of the team filed into the BlackBear Hellicopter, Corduroy just stood there looking down. His button. The button from his daughter was gone. It must have fell off in the fight. What to any Bear else may have seemed like the most trivial thing in the world became incredibly important. He had to have that button. He had to go back.

 
As the team filed into the copter he made his way back, ignoring the calls from his friends. With the enemy caravan soon to arrive and no other choice the team and the rescue copter left. And Corduroy Ross turned his back on safety and ran toward certain death. Corduroy arrived back at the sight of the battle at the same time as the enemy. He stared down at the Bulls in tanks trucks and all manor of military vehicles. As the enemy soldiers shouting at him in incomprehensible Bull-speak; Corduroy smiled, stepped into the light of the fire and shouted. “Gentlemen, I have come here to find my button and kick some @#$, and I don’t see my button anywhere!” Then he threw a grenade underneath the lead truck and as the soldiers scrambled from the impending explosion, Corduroy took cover. He fired shot after shot into the advancing Bulls as he continued to try to find the precious reminder of his daughter.

While the burning ruins of the base filled with Bull, Corduroy backed against a wall and fought with everything he was worth. The Bulls fired, hitting Corduroy in the shoulder but screaming he stood and fired into the crowd and soon the odds began to even. Corduroy poured rifle and machine gun fire into the waves of Bulls that poured from every doorway. Cars exploded, helicopters fell from the sky. A proud desert submarine fired its payload of sand torpedoes before crashing into the side of the depot. By the end of the main battle only a handful of Bulls stood between Corduroy and freedom. Grabbing the shoulder-mounted bazooka from a fallen Bull soldier, he destroyed the final group of Bulls and began to make his way beyond the rubble. Through exhaustion and blood loss he collapsed against an overturned tank and fell into a deep sleep. He slept through the night by the flickering light of the distant fires.
 

As the dawn broke Corduroy finally woke up filthy and bleeding but alive. He began to assess the situation. Looking across the desert and then beginning to inspect his wounds and equipment when suddenly something caught his eye. Something pink in the cuff of his pant leg. Bending down he retrieved the button that he thought was lost. It had been caught on his pants the entire time. As he began to walk into the desert, to freedom and to home, he started to laugh.


“Well, son of a b#$%#” the Bear said.

Be sure to check out the fantastic piece on Life with the Fandom! imagining a Brave Star film, by Michael Bay!
http://www.lifewithfandom.com/2012/03/league-assignment-7-next-childhood-gem.html
Christopher Tupa (League of Extraordinary Bloggers Champion) does it again!
http://ctupa.com/blog/?p=1228
Dex @ AEIOU finally finds a way for Bay to bug America (in a good way!)
http://aeiouwhy.blogspot.com/2012/03/league-post-bay-day.html

Dissect-An-Alien Autopsy

First posted on October 19th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

The following transcription was recovered from the scene of a terrible “accident” at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories. Aside from the pictures taken during the events, all photos of the scene, after the fact have been removed from the report out of respect for the families of those involved. Despite the attempt to tone-down the graphic nature of this content, we recommend that only mature blog readers view the following post.


9:00am- What we have discovered here will ultimately change, not only the face of science…but the very threads of society. Actual solid proof of extraterrestrial life has long been the goal of everyone from astronomers to crackpots and everyone in between. Now, that goal has finally been reached.

9:22am- No photos or material from the wreckage of the spacecraft will ever be released as the government has redacted all knowledge of the geography and/or technology. In a public statement US official Stone Wahler had this to say “The difficulty in the nature of the..uh…something something weather balloon. Thank you” However, our crack team of artists here at Claymation Werewolf Laboratories have actually recreated what the craft must have looked like:

9:45am- So you can plainly see how much is riding on the results of this research. Over the next several hours I will be conducting an autopsy of the alien body found among the wreckage. My words will be recorded for later transcription and thorough photographs will be taken of the entire process. Unfortunately, all hopes of attaching our own instruments to the creature proved unsuccessful as a result of the its biology. On a side note the only instrument we actually had available was a key-tar and I can’t actually see what sort of purpose it would have served anyway. All of my work will be conducted with the most sensitive and advanced tools available to modern science.

10:00am- Thorough notes have been taken in preparation of the dissection. We have also made several wonderful diagrams and drawings of the creature. If the pages of our notebook are flipped through very quickly the alien actually tap dances and then does a back-flip ending in “Jazz Hands” but I don’t suppose that would add much to the serious nature of this scientific finding.

11:00am- Assisting with the alien dissection will be my new assistant
Phishtonia Phishington Bones. I am told that she graduated at the top of her class at Evil Minion State. She is one of the most quickly advancing experts in the field of paranormal biology. I am also told that she is positively, absolutely NOT an enemy spy.

11:08am- I now make the initial incision. With this small cut, I am advancing mankind to a further height than many of us ever thought that we could reach. The childish achievements that society made, up until this point will forever be considered the feeble accomplishments of a child. For instance, no one will ever again care about that whole “first man on the moon” thing. Anyway, I happen to know that the entire event was staged…it was just a set up farce with stage lighting and artificial props. The whole thing was fake. I hate that.

11:45am- Having broken through the outer surface of the skin and the fine inner membranes. I am now able to begin to really view this creature for what it is. Incredible. The skin of the alien is almost like rubber and is completely transparent. Inside, amidst the green fluids of the body cavity are organs of the most vibrant color. They defy imagination.

12:21pm- We are now looking directly into the open cavity of the torso. It is a view that we in the lab like to call “Alien Stew”

1:30pm- After several inspections of the tissue and fluid present inside the creature, we now begin the process of organ removal. Remarkably, the organs are in no way connected to the being itself. They float freely within the abdominal fluid. Each organ is it’s own individual color and all are extremely solid and lightweight; similar to plastic. The hard consistency of the organs has allowed my assistant to easily engrave coded numbers onto the organs themselves for later inspection and individual dissection.

2:50pm- I am finally completing the process of total organ removal. Before tackling the head I am going to make one final examination of the inside of the body. I will remove the last few organs and perform a detailed inspection of the system of nerves that I have noticed spreading like a spider web within the walls of the being. I simply have to…wait…..what is this? …………….. ……… It may be my imagination but I….but it seems as though something within the alien moved. I’m sure that….No. No the alien HAS moved! The organs have began to vibrate and it seems as though the muscles of the limbs have began to contract. However, we know nothing of the physiology of this creature and it is more than likely the result of some residual energy stored inside the organs and central nervous system of the monster.

3:00pm- This is incredible! What I though to be aftershocks of the alien’s death, now seem to be genuine animation! The movement has continued and….Wait! The entire creature is!…It’s moving! The monster is actually moving its… The entire body is shifting!! I can’t believe this….It has turned to face me…I…I genuinely don’t know what to do.

3:02pm- Ms. Bones has ran from the room, stealing my notes and slamming the door behind her! The alien is now standing, entirely on it’s own power. Its eyes are now totally clear and I see an immense intelligence in them. The thing righted itself so quickly I have had no time to react!….

3:03pm- The Monster! It’s coming closer! Slowly then quickly then slowly again! As though it’s toying with me…..I just….have to……No please wait….

????-I…..AAAAAHHHHHH

????- AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEE……………………………………………………………………………

::::End of recording::::

Consultation from the Crypt! A Demon Night To Remember

First posted on October 12th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

          It’s not mystery that I make a lot of money blogging. I mean a LOT of money. I have been in this game for a long time and over the years have become not just an icon in the entertainment world but an actual titan of mythological scale. I have witnessed so many things over the years, so many changes in television, books, cartoon….nearly every aspect of pop culture and I have documented it to bring these stories to the masses so that they can, in some way, keep track of a world that sometimes seems to move at the speed of light.


          Of all the exSCREAM makeovers I have done over the years…I would have to say the most enjoyable had to be the Crypt Keeper! Who doesn’t remember this loveably rotten character from 1989-1996 (1993) HBO’s Tales From The Crypt. The show started in 1989 to howls of approval. The audience seemed to devour every episode that came out but by the end of its third year in 1992 things had started to wind down a bit. The numbers were going down and the Crypt Keeper had began to worry that his show was headed for the television morgue. So like many others be-gore him…he called me.

          I met him (surprise surprise) in the basement of his big dark scary mansion. I walked down the dusty stone steps and was met with a cavernous chamber…some kind of crazy combination of a laboratory and a dungeon…lit with candles…covered with cobwebs. I walked up to an obviously placed coffin ,crossed my arms and waited. Suddenly the mood music rose to a crescendo and the coffin flew open, up popped the good old Crypt Keeper. I waited patiently for him to finish cackling…and introduced myself. I’ll try to present the consultation to you as best as I can remember it.

          Like I said, I introduced myself and asked if he would mind if I called him Cryptie!

          “Actually”, he said. “I would prefer if you don…”

          “Cryptie” I said, “what you need is a total remake…you need to take your entire image in a whole new direction!”

          He resisted at first.


          "This schtick has brought me coffins full of money! Why I could make huge withdraws in every bank and blood bank in this city! I am known for this act. It has revolutionized terror-vision!”

          “Oh yes” I said, “completely revolutionary!! I have always loved your act. Sarcasm, murderous props and tons of ghoulish puns; it’s always been creative especially when Hitchcock was doing it 30 years ago!”

          “Granted…Alfred may have introduced films and waved a noose around but I have so much…scare-flare!! Costumes and everything!”

          “Oh! No argument here!! You are truly the monster of a thousand faces…why I’ve seen you come out in everything from a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat, to a fake beach scene with a death guard costume and some white sun-cream where your nose should be…or a black sweater, a beret and a fake mustache…you know…Hipster Cryptster!…But don’t you think there could be more to horror hosting than sitting behind a table in funny outfits and laughing at your own jokes for an hour?”

          “Why not? It’s always worked for the grieve-ning news! Ahahahaahah!”

          “Yeaaaahhh, that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about, Cyptie”

          “I asked you not to c…”

          “Cryptie, you could really be accomplishing some big things but premium err scream-ium cable isn’t the format for you…You need to go more main…uh…main-scream. No one is ever going to want to watch a TV show on HBO. It doesn’t even make any sense. No, to breathe new life into this whole show…get yourself re-animated!”

          “I’ve got news for you!” He gestures at various bubbling vials and electrical equipment. “I’m about as re-animated as they come! Ahah..”

          I cut off his laughter….”Yes yes cute but I’m not talking about rising from the dead, champ. I’m talking about ACTUAL animation! Cartoons!”

          “Car…what?”

          “Sigh…car-tombs….animated pictures! A cartoon TV show! My friend…I mean fiend!! What you need is more over-exposure! You need network television!

          “Cartombs? Like for kids? That would be a waste of my special brand of sKILLS! I’m not sure I would like the look of blood and guts in ink and PAINt.”

          “That’s the beauty of it, Cyrptie! There wouldn’t be blood and guts…subdued horror! No gore!”

          “No gore… no way! That concept sounds absolutely terrorble! Me without blood is like Sonny without Scare!”

          “Listen…I know it might sound strange at first but look at it this way! There are a lot of benefits to re-branding yourself as a cartoon character! You could do all sorts of wild and exotic things. Walk, for instance!”

          “Walk?”

          “Yeah, you know, the thing that every single other horror host does? Where they get up and move from one place to another by themselves?”

          “All by themselves…that sounds…unnatural“

          “It’s not unnatural, it’s animation. We would give you legs!”

          “Ooooohhh I do like the sound of that…Who’s legs would you give me?”

          “They would be your own legs! Try to focus! In this new show you could do much more active things…instead of just dressing up like a surfer and making some scary surfing puns; you could actually surf! Just you the murky depths and the sea monsters! Picture it!”

          “I like it but what will the audience think of Tales From the Crypt without the ghastly imagery?”

          “Believe me, Cryptie! Cartoons are the future of horror. Mild, toned down horror with a heavy dose of adorable comedy is what the people want. The horror fandom is no longer some bordello of blood looking for every piece of sex and violence they can get their hands on. They want heavy censorship and bright vibrant colors (by the way, you’ll be green); everybody knows that!”

          “It sounds frightfully promising!”

          “Well, let me just tip the scales for you…Imagine you…the Crypt Keeper…Actually appearing in the stories. No more just doing the introduction and the wrap-up!”

          “The star…I can see it now me! By myself, Center slayge! I’ll murder ‘em! I’ll kill ‘em! And after I’m done, I’ll do the show!”

          “Well you see…You won’t be exactly by yourself….”

          “Not by myself?”

          “Um…No. You see as part of the animated series contract, we’re going to be bringing in some additional talent….You know the usual thing; more writers, some artists and of course twoextrahosts…and caterers um…”

          “Wait wait…Did you say two extra hosts?”

          “Well yes but you’ll love them, in fact you already know them. You’ve worked with them in the old print days! The Old Witch and the Vault Keeper!”

          At that point, he amazingly stood up and started to walk out.

          “Those guys are total creeps and not in the good way…I work alone and I’m more than enough Keeper for this Crypt! There is absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind!”

          It was the point that I told him that the contract called for an all-expense-paid world cruise with The Mistress of the Dark herself, Elvira! And that unlike everything else in her life, she liked to moon bathe as nature intended!

          The deal was signed immediately and production got underway at once on the new show. Within two months the ratings started to fall and by the end of the year, it was cancelled. A new animation company picked up the struggling concept, changed the animation and lightened the tone even further but it was no use. After limping along for two more seasons, Tales from the Crypt-Keeper was cancelled permanently. The Crypt Keeper immediately returned to HBO and the show got higher ratings than at any time in its history. The Crypt Keeper became an international star and went on to unimaginable fame and fortune!

          I hope this story goes to serves to illustrate the amazing ability I have…the natural instinct in shaping the world of entertainment. Through my actions, I was able to single-handedly turn around the career of a smalltime celebrity and turn him into a household name. Sure two different animation studios went out of business and people lost millions of dollars. And sure, Cryptie won’t return my calls anymore but the fact remains that I can work magic. And who knows who I might be able to help next!! Why, with the tract record I have with horror hosts, I could really work wonders with our very own Haunted Drive-In Projectionist! Picture it…the Projectionist surrounded by an all-star cast of marionettes. They would watch a marvelously morbid movie…tell some great old jokes… and maybe…yes maybe…learn a little something about friendship along the way.

          Just a thought.

          See ya next time kiddies!! Ahahahaaaaaaaaa!