Cloudy With a Chance of Purple Rain

First posted on February 26th, 2012 on The Cold Slither Podcast - CW post link

Of all the tiny, effeminate, African-American mainstream pop culture mega-stars of the 1980’s and 90’s, few drew as many comparisons as Prince and Michael Jackson. For me however there was never any comparison. As a kid I was a huge Michael Jackson fan, in fact, Thriller was one of the first three albums I ever owned. I have distinct memories of listening to that record, especially the title track and especially the Vincent Price part

But it was so much more than a record. The video was like a miniature horror movie with pop music. It was epic! I remember the disclaimer in the beginning with Michael’s declaration that the video was just for fun and he didn’t believe in the occult and was neither a zombie or a werewolf…or something like that. After all, the last thing Michael Jackson would ever have wanted to do was develop a negative public reputation. I even remember standing in a department store (probably Service Merchandise) in front of a wall of TVs, playing Thriller’s behind the scenes featurette. It demonstrated the makeup choreography and everything else that went into making such a groundbreaking music video.


The reason I never compared the two as a kid is that I didn’t even have any idea who Prince even was. Apparently, for some reason my parents thought that songs like “Darling Nikki” and “Erotic City” weren’t suitable for their kid to listen to! That being the case, my knowledge of the music and career of Prince has been sadly lacking…until now. Through my assigned research for the Cold Slither Podcast, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about the life and times of the royalty turned pop star Prince Albertinican.

The son of King Albertinican ruling monarch of all of Purpletopia, was always a little…different. He never showed much interest in his training and would sometimes skip his royal classes all together. At times it seemed as though he didn’t even want to be groomed to eventually rule Purpletopia, and truth be told he didn’t. His love above everything else, was music. He traveled to the Americas to pursue musical training causing outrage among the noble class of his country. The scandal eventually forced his father to public disown the young prince and remove all royal titles.


Meanwhile the Prince who now had begun to defiantly use Prince as his stage title had started to make quite a name for himself in the United States pop music scene. Capitalizing on Americas love of shirtlessness, his music videos were constantly at the top of whatever list measures the success of music videos! It looked as though this dishonored prince would rule after all. There was only one thing standing in his way. It seemed that in the United States, pop music already had royalty…it had a king named Michael Jackson.

It seemed that with every move Prince Made, that dastardly Jackson was one step ahead of him. Prince wrote a hit song, Michael wrote a mega hit! Prince got a sweet endorsement deal with the RC Cola Soda-Pop company and Michael Jackson gets an even better deal with Pepsi. Prince sets the hearts of millions of teenage girls on fire. Michael sets his hair on fire! It seemed there was nothing he could do to get the better of MJ. Then one weekend in an RC Cola (he had a lifetime supply) -fueled eruption of creativity Prince created one of the most staggeringly triumphant records to ever get into the unworthy hands of Mr. and Mrs. America. That album had everything the hits just kept coming.


The world held it’s breath to see how Jackson would respond. And respond he did. Thriller, as an album sold mildly the darker turn in the lyrics put some people off and nearly everyone was afraid of tiger cubs

What put Michael Jackson’s Thriller over the top was the music video for the title track. America suddenly had Thriller-mania and even Prince’s constant lack of shirts where not enough to help his video steal any of Michael Jackson’s thunder.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was everything in the 80's.

What Prince needed was a huge overproduced special effects music video extravaganza of his own! He needed a signature purple rain video. It would have supernatural elements but no monsters. Monsters were played out already. And besides, it was common knowledge that prince was deathly afraid of the dark. What he needed was a “Prince” video full of flair…full of sex appeal…full of Prince.


Here was the pitch:

It opens with a shirtless (of course) Prince wearing only tight leather pants and an ascot. He is on a picnic date with three women on a beach. The women all of whom are for some reason barely covered by sheets, feed him grapes and dab the sweat from his brow with silk scarves.

He begins to ask them if they would all like to be his “steady girl” when suddenly storm clouds fill the air and the skies open up with a downpour of the most beautiful purple rain imaginable. Prince, realizing that the violet rain will trigger his transformation gets so upset that he has to fan himself with a paper plate.


Before the eyes of the horrified (and by horrified, I mean turned on) women his leather pants rip apart and his legs are replaced by a glistening purple mermaid tail. He crawls (seductively) to the ocean shore and disappears head on into a crashing wave. There was no huge constantly imitated dance sequence. In the Purple Rain Video, when Prince transformed into a Mer-Prince it mostly consisted of him playing a seashell guitar, singing sexy lyrics to dolphins and writhing inappropriately on a coral reef.

Under the sea he swims and swirls amid sparkling lights and brightly colored bubbles chasing mermaids who giggle and play hard to get. Eventually in a twist ending the women on the beach are able to turn themselves into mermaids as well through the sheer force of their sex-drive. And Mer-Prince and the 85 Mer-Loves of his life frolic into the distance, beneath the briny deep.


To the lucky few who saw the purple rain music video, it stands alone as one of the greatest triumphs of any performers career in the history of the world. Had it aired the video itself may have actually replaced music entirely, such was it’s majesty. People who saw only seconds of it we said to have wept with joy for weeks afterward.

In the end however, it turned out that the Studio President’s Father had been killed by a mermaid and the whole project was scrapped.

They decided to just make a feature length movie about a singer instead.

Skellington in the Suburbs

First posted on October 11th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link



          And welcome back to Coast-To-Ghost AM, and as always I am your host, Rhett Kahn. All month, we’ve been presenting a series of personal supernatural encounters. Tonight we have the owner of the Terror Trees Haunted Attraction and paranormal investigator Guy Elliot. He is the author of the new true life horror best seller “Mr. Unlucky”. I want to remind everyone that our sponsor tonight is Claymation Brand Werewolves! when you need werewolves fast and you need them to be doughy, cartoonish and un-intimidating! And now, let’s get to our guest.


R: “Hello Guy, how are you?”

GE: “I’m good, Rhett. I’m good and you?”

R: “Always doing great, Guy! And speaking of great; I’ve been reading Mr. Unlucky and it is absolutely riveting and you say that its completely real?”

GE: “Rhett, I swear this entire story is true.”

R: “It’s just that it really is fantastic but please, go on…We’re ready to believe you!”

GE: “Oh, okay. Thanks…Okay, well it all started out on Halloween night…I know that sounds a little bit cliché but it’s the truth. See, I run what they call a haunted hayride. It’s actually a pretty big deal in that part of Kentucky during October! We get about 5,000 customers a night and cover an area stretching across about 3 acres.”

R: “—Wow! That definitely does sound pretty impressive! I think we all enjoy a good haunted house, or in your case hunted hayride.”

GE: “Yeah, I know I do! Anyway, we had just completed a huge night and had even had a live broadcast from Jonathan Johnson and Rabid Badger of Rotting Flesh Radio…It was amazing! So it was about 3 o’clock in the morning and I was walking the entire haunt path, sort of reveling in my triumph you could say. Of course I had my Fisher Price Super Ghost Detector with me as I normally do if I’m out somewhere on my own. It’s an incredibly sophisticated piece of equipment and is sensitive to the wandering lost souls…spirits so ancient that mortal man cannot even name them. It can also play AM and FM radio and the whole thing runs on just two AAA batteries! So anyway; I was just passing the part of our little show we call the Halloween Tree when I heard a funny noise.”

R: “A noise?”

GE: “Yeah…well it sounded a little like a combination of a breaking tree branch and a creaking door. And a door is exactly what it was…There was a door opening right in the trunk of the Halloween Tree. A door in a tree! It was the damnedest thing!”

R: “—But the tree, you said it was part of your haunted attraction?”

GE: “Yeah. It was part of the tour but it was an actual tree. It’s huge! About six feet around and one of the creepiest looking trees you could ever see. We actually rerouted the path so that the customers would have to walk past it….So a door starts to open in this thing and the wind suddenly kicks up and this figure steps out of it…”

R: “A figure…what was it?”

GE: “That’s a good question; a monster?…A ghost?…All I know is it looked like a skellington, I mean skeleton…Super thin, and unnaturally tall. A skull for a head, bone hands and an black pin-striped tuxedo.”

R: “A tuxedo?”

GE: “Haha! Yeah, it was wearing a sort of tuxedo black gothic-ky outfit. I don’t know what it looked like exactly…The whole thing scared the living *expletive* out of me!”

R: “So did you run? Did you get out of there?”

GE: “Hell no! I had to find out what was going on! I mean it’s so rare that a paranormal investigator actually encounters the uh… the paranormal. And to have a haunted experience in an actual haunted house?!. Wow! That’s the kind of stuff they make terrible horror movies about! I had to follow the creature and see where it was going.”

R: “Yes! And maybe keep it from harming anybody?”

GE: “Uhhhhh Yeah…Sure… Protect people. Anyway, I started trailing this guy, this thing and it was acting very weird….It walked through the little bit of field and the highway that separated us from the town that borders our haunt, and to be honest I was having trouble keeping up. It wasn’t that he was necessarily walking quickly but he took huge steps. His legs alone were nearly as tall as me and they were stick thin; it was almost like watching a giant spider walk. So picture this…by this time it was 8 o’clock on a Saturday morning and I’m chasing behind this ten foot tall gigantic stick thin skeleton wearing a tuxedo. Everyone’s out and about doing what you do on a Saturday morning but no one seems to be noticing this craziness…It actually seemed like I was the only person that saw him. So I’m freaking out and he’s walking around like he’s in an amusement park; analyzing everything and acting like he’s never been in the suburbs before! He inspecting storm drains, picking weeds, taking the license plates off of cars.”

R: “Wow! So no one ever saw any of this besides you? That is hard to believe…Not that I would ever call a ghost hunter a liar but you must agree.”

GE: “Rhett, it would seem hard to believe if I hadn’t experienced it for myself. Fortunately for my credibility I was able to gather proof!”

R: “Did you catch the whole thing on video? Amazing!”

GE: “Well not actually on video, Rhett…As you might know; it is strictly against the bylaws of the International Ghost Hunters Association to capture any kind of irrefutable proof like clear video evidence or several respectable witnesses. Although we are allowed to capture blurry photographs or video that clearly shows random static-ky light orbs that look eerily like flashlights. We are also allowed to record audio! Most of the time this audio consists of garbled background noise interlaced with sounds that may or may not be people saying whatever we decide to write on the subtitles.”

R: “And those garbled audio tracks are always very compelling, but I understand you have something even stronger?”

GE: “that’s right, Danny!”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “That’s right, Rhett…You see a few minutes in to this creature walking around in childlike wonder, it actually began to sing about what it was seeing. I have the whole thing recorded! It gets a little rough in some spots but you can make out most of it.”

R: “And what proof do you have that it was an actual ghost and not just you or someone else singing and recording it?”

GE: “Anyway, Rhett, I would like if I can to play some of the audio recording for you and your listeners.”

R: “Well I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we would love to hear it.”



—-Begin Audio—

What’s this? What’s this?

There’s pavement everywhere

What’s this?

A shop that cuts your hair

What’s this?

I can’t believe my eyes

I must be **Unintelligible**


What’s this? What’s this?

There’s people cutting grass

What’s this?

The lower middle class





What’s this?

The streets are lined with

Steel and concrete storm-drains

Everybody seems so mundane

Have I possibly gone insane?

What is this?

What’s this?





There are children throwing litter

On someone else’s lawn.

And a place to take your valuables

That you might like to pawn.





There’s people doing taxes.

Though, I don’t know what that means

And I feel down but look around

To see suburban scenes…





Oh, look

What’s this?

They’re hanging yard sale signs, on poles.

Why they’re so poorly made, cardboard!

They’re putting letters in a box?

**static**





Oh look a stand for lemonade, how cute.

Now cops have shut it down.

And why?





They didn’t have a license, but

The cities got to get a cut.

They’ll ticket every car

That’s just a minute past its meter!

This looks grand!

This looks grand!

Oh, can I ever understand?

What’s this?





Oh my, what now?

A swimmer’s hair is green?

Their pool,

Has way to much chlorine!

No weeds, to ruin their perfect front lawns

Or stray leaves to fall and terrorize…

From nature they stay sterilized….

What’s this?





There selling soap door to door

That no one wants to buy.

And no one seems to even chase

That sweaty jogging guy.





I hear the screams of people

Watching sports on their TV’s.

It seems unreal that people place

Their hopes on things like these….





The drab! The plain!

Everything all looks the same!

I’ve never been quite this content!

Who ever could imagine I’d see so much white bread.

I won’t complain but it’s a shame I happen to be dead.





I want it, oh, I want it!

I’ve began to finally see

How unlucky

How unlucky

To be stuck in Halloween

Instead of this…

Planned…community.

—-End Audio—

GE: “So you see, Tim…”

R: “Rhett.”

GE: “So you see, Rhett…It couldn’t possible have been anything but a genuine paranormal experience. How else do you explain the word play and sophisticated rhyme scheme? This sighting has opened my eyes. Ghosts, goblins and everything that I’ve dedicated my life to is real…And all they want is what we already have! So I’ve decided to enjoy the things around me. The simple, the mundane…There is beauty in all of it and it’s time I learned to appreciate it. So I’ve decided to change my life! I’m leaving all of this ghost hunting behind. No more spirits, no more goblins and no more walking around at midnight in abandoned hospitals! From now on, it’s the plain life for me!”

R: “Are you also giving up running the haunt as well?”

GE: “No way! Haunted houses kick ass!”



          And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! A spine tingling tale of a life changing brush with “the other side”. And sadly, that’s all the time we have tonight.

          If you’ve enjoyed tonight’s show half as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you, then I’ve enjoyed it twice as much as you have. Until next time, sit back, relax and rot away…and have a nice day!

When Hip-Hop met Horror

First posted on September 27th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Raido Podcast and Blog - CW post link

Most people think the world of Horror fandom is like a family. They believe that there is an overwhelming sense of acceptance and community and that we all stand united, hand in hook against whatever adversity the world can throw at us. For the most part this is all true but there is another side to the horror world as many of us know. It can be sinister, it can be competitive…I’ve only been a horror blogger for a couple of months and I’ve already been shot twice! Yes, the sad truth is that no matter how harmonious we like to imagine this world is, there are things that divide us. Freddy or Jason?….Fast Zombies or Slow? Kane Hodder or Derek Mears? Evil Dead or Army of Darkness? Any of these questions can cause an instant eruption of war between your average dedicated deadite but there is a deeper fault line running through the horror community for decades threatening to tear apart the very fabric of everything that we have worked so hard to build.

It will come as no surprise to anyone that I am talking about the Hip-Hop Horror Turf Wars that erupted in the late 1980’s and have only gotten stronger since. When hip hop or “rap” became mainstream it almost immediately began to take off in popularity. Along with its meteoric rise it ignited incredible passion among its fans. That passion took the form of completely new forms of dance, an unprecedented level of poetic expression and the light speed evolution of electronic music. Unfortunately that passion came with aggression, division, and sometimes even violence. Once the world of rap entered into its inevitable partnership with horror movies the division only became worse.


It began small, various hip-hop artists speaking about their fandom of slasher films, giant monsters, and the supernatural…horror directors like Sam Rami and Wes Craven taking on DJ duties at some of the hottest LA nightclubs, and who can forget Stephen King’s short lived segment on Yo! MTV Raps. Soon every monster, unearthly creature and undead slasher began to actively campaign for hip-hop representation. They arrived in Los Angeles by the dozen going to the offices of major record labels, meeting with top executives, slaughtering them and then starting the process all over again. Finally gold was struck, the all American first family of spooky entered in to the ultimate partnership with a struggling, up and coming rapper by the name of MC Hammer. The collective life experiences and vibrant lust for life enjoyed by the Addams’s seemed to be just what Mr. Hammer needed and he was plucked from the depths of total obscurity soon becoming the toast of the town with hit record after hit record. His popularity grew so much that at its peak he became nearly too legit to quit.

After Hammer’s success the floodgates opened and rappers were joining forces with masters of monster movies all across America. Will Smith or the “fresh prince” as he is known on the streets joined forces with the imitable Frederick J “Freddy” Krueger, when Krueger himself senselessly murdered Smith’s long time partner DJ Jazzy Jeff. Smith later said that the rhymes he created with Krueger where not only the freshest he had ever created but also the dopest. He also proclaimed Freddy one of the best natural scratchers he had ever seen. The arrival of the Fresh Prince marked a 180 degree turnaround in Krueger’s career following the end of his 8 year partnership with the Fat Boys who, after defecting from the Krueger Camp announced a newly signed contract with Michael Myers.

Their first hit song under the agreement “Devil’s Eyes (Pass the Fries)” shot straight to the top of the Killboard Top 100 Horror Charts. It wasn’t all success though …for instance when Chucky and Vanilla Ice formed their infamous White Boys and Killer Toys alliance it turned out to be a huge flop and effectively ended both of their careers. And Young MC’s ill fated “Dance Off“ with Pumpkin Head in the follow-up video to his hit “Bust a Move” became a laughing stock.


Some people weren’t content to enter into collaborations, and became crossover artists in their own right. When C&C Music Factory released their single “Things that Make You Go AAAAAHHHH!” The world fell in love with their new blood, gore and pyrotechnic driven performances. Even international artists got into the act. Seamus O’ Shame (The Leprechaun) actually became a rapper. He made his debut with a song entitled “Lep In The Hood” at the end of a movie with a very similar title. After releasing his album he realized he could lay down some ill tracks and bring people unspeakable pain at the same time and he never looked back

While the def jams were flying fast and loose and the money was rolling in, there was something much more ominous brewing below the surface. Turf wars and minor scuffles had began to break out as to who ran what horror neighborhood. The leprechaun laid claim to the Tiny Terror Zone which did not go over well with Chucky or The PuppetMaster Puppets. Jason and Michael Myers left untold death and destruction following the terrifying Silent Lumbering Killer Wars of ‘83.… It all got bad and then it got worse. For decades, record labels and horror movie producers turned a blind eye choosing to focus only on the millions of dollars they were raking in and ignoring the loss of both life and street cred. Sadly, something happened in 2010 that would make the world take notice, when Jackie Earl Haley and Samuel Bayer conspired to do the unthinkable. They murdered Freddy Krueger in cold blood. The worlds of horror, hip-hop, and hip-hop-horror fell silent. They realized that money and fame had gotten in the way of what really counts, poetic expression…and ultra violent gory movies. It was decided by all parties involved that everyone needed to get back to basics and to start doing what they did best. With that in mind, all horror/rap partnerships were dissolved.


Recently it seems as though there have been signs of a mild renaissance in the world of horror rap. Will Smith in partnership with the Saw franchise released the song Getting Jiggysaw With It and it seems to be doing fairly well in the charts so far. We can only hope that this time things will be different. That we can have a real sense of community and produce works that are all about art and not about money or “turf”. Together we can live in a world that undead, horribly disfigured, psychotic serial killers like Freddy Krueger would be proud to call home. With that in mind I hope that each of you can sit back, relax…and have a nice day!