Why this, Not that?

The world plays favorites. There I said it; someone had to. There is very little reason in history why some things succeed while others fail. I know what you're saying, What about survival of the fittest?

Well, before you start spouting off the hair-brained theories of some weirdo on an island trying to make a name for himself, let me just nip it in the bud. Most of the time, the difference between becoming a legend and a loser is all up to the fickle hands of fate.

Ahem! I say, The fickle HANDS OF FATE!

Thank you.

I can see that a distinguishing blog reader like yourself is going to need a little further convincing. Well, I am happy to help. There are virtually endless examples of cultural "natural selection" selecting about as unnaturally as one could imagine!

How else besides sheer chance could you explain how two barely lingual man-beasts like Stallone and Schwarzenegger

become Hollywood royalty, while a talented (and brilliant) male specimen of Adonis proportion like Mr Miles O'Keeffe is regulated to being a mere footnote in cinema history!

Why Does Circuit City close while Best Buy remains open (...at the moment anyway)? They were virtually the same exact store! Do people just prefer blue to red?

Ponderosa and Bonanza were both huge players in the competitive "Below average steak/buffet places named after the western television show Bonanza" market in the 1980's. Somehow Ponderosa remains a thriving place where seniors can have a steak, baked potato and then finish off a buffet meal with a piece of pie from a rotating pie-fridge.

While Bonanza is a place they can only remember doing those things in.

Rally's lives, Daddy'o's goes bye-bye.

Arbys is still around but Rax says "see ya later, alligator"

There were once THREE chefs on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box but now only one still remains. Why?

...Okay to be fair the grey haired guy killed the other two but I think my point still stands.

They still make trading cards of just about everything on earth but do you see POGS anywhere? Do you???

Comedy legend Chevy Chase bombs with his show on late night TV but a walking cure for joy like David Letterman is in his 86th (approximate) year!? What gives?

The Star Trek property seems destined to last forever while great new sci-fi shows like Farscape and Firefly get unceremoniously kicked to the curb!

Why does Count Chockula deserve to be on store shelves year round, when Boo Berry and Franken Berry (no relation) are only around during Halloween? Even worse, Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy stop getting made altogether!

                                                        Illustration, courtesy of Tom Krohne (Monster Fink)

Why does My Little Pony get to have the fiercely loyal adult following? Why not Littlest Pet Shop?

Mad Magazine and Cracked Magazine were both personal favorites of mine as a kid. Today, Mad is still just as Mad as ever! Alfred E Newman still isn't worrying and those fold pictures still rule!

And What became of Cracked? It went from a funny magazine to the worlds first completely list based pseudo humor website!

Sega and Nintendo shared a mutual hatred only rivaled in the corporate world by Coke and Pepsi. Apparently though despite all of its trash talk...

Nintendo was chosen. And where are we today? Well, Take a look.

This my friends, is not okay.

None of this is okay and none of it is fair.

Why BluRay over HD DVD?

Again, it must be our national preference of Blue over Red (aside from the whole Mario Versus Sonic thing I just mentioned...though, Mario wears a lot of Blue too and Sonic DOES have those giant red tennis shoes...)

Everybody said Beta max was better...why did VHS win (besides the whole porn thing I mean)

Speaking of the better man not winning, I don't know how many people I've spoken to in my life who brushed their scarf to one side, crossed their skinny-jean clad legs, lowered their fake, black rimmed glasses and said "CW, I hate Disney and I have always preferred the Looney Toons characters to The Disney Characters. They're better written and much funnier!" Apparently, none of these cartoon hipsters feel like putting their viewing where there mouths are though. Disney adds to their gold mine with each and everything they produce!

While over in Looney Toons world...

I swear every crazy attempt...

...at reviving the property...

is met with a bigger failure than the time before!

It's honestly like there's someone over at Warner Brothers holding Looney Toons by its ankles shaking it and saying "Darn it, I know there's some money in there somewhere!!"

..........

And there you have it. I could go on and on with examples both blatantly unfair and/or simply puzzling but I think I've made my point. And besides, I have to get back to blogging. I have to try to stay on the bleeding edge of pop culture relevancy. I have no way of knowing when the curious hands of fate might come out of nowhere and make me just disappear.

...And neither my friends, do any of you!



Meanwhile, at League of Extraordinary Bloggers Headquarters!!!

Daniel at thirtyish year old boy does the unthinkable and DEFENDS JAR JAR BINKS! I for one admire his courage and will fondly remember him after the torch wielding geek mob are finished with their grim work.

Personally as a big kaiju fan, I give my full support to the awesome idea submitted by Newt at Infinite Hollywood: "War Of The Gargantuans" Action Figures!!

 While I may not fully understand the pictorial post submitted by Kal over at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool, I have to say that after seeing the name of his blog (amazing) then reading the blog description (hilarious) and the header image (indescribebly epic) I read some of the other posts and they are fantastic! Run, don't walk to this site!

What If Todd McFarlane Had Created The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hello.
My name is the Claymation WereWatcher .
As you may well know, we WereWatchers are ancient beings, at once  surrounded by the lives and choices of millions of souls…yet forced to be witness to the choices without ever getting involved. Except of course for the constant instances in which we do.

Throughout the ages of human history there have been several turning points. Pivotal moments that forever changed the course of human events and the direction that humanity as a whole would take. I believe that it goes without saying  that one of the most formative events in the history of your world is the formation of the greatest team of heroes mankind has ever known: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

In 1987 “Totally Awesome LLC” a joint corporate venture between Dark Horse Comics and Dominoes Pizza) hired too young Artist/Activists named Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, to create a marketing campaign in the hopes of boosting their sluggish sales. While Eastman and Laird had originally designed “The Turtles” as a vehicle of protest against both the nationwide epidemic of Toxic Ooze, sewer dumping and the plague of pet abandonment, they immediately resonated with the stuff-buying public and became one of the biggest moneymaking properties in the history of martial arts-trained animal history.

We all know the story of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Four turtles raised in the sewer by their master, father and sensai. A creature who began life both as a human ninja master and a pet rat owned by a ninja master who, once exposed to a terrible substance called  mutagen (which had already blinded a young actor named Ben Afleck, allowing him to see people in the rain using sonar as well as given him the ability to do amazing playground equipment parkour.) The mutagen turned The rat into a man and the man into a rat and the deposed ninja master into a ninja master rat hybrid kinda….okay okay look. I am a watcher but I may not have been paying SUPER great attention and it kinda seemed like the origin stories kept changing.  But at any rate Splinter (or master Yoshi) had pet turtles while he was living in the sewer and they crawled around in the mutagen too which turned them into human turtle monsters. They go on to learn ninjitsu, stop crime, take on a huge evil ninja master and his pet brain alien, eat a ton of pizza bring back surf culture slang, meet just under 93 other mutant animal creatures and sell enough merchandise to fill Manhattan.

The public was buying everything they could. Ninja Turtle Skateboards, Ninja Turtle Sleeping Bags, Ninja Turtle TV’s, Ninja Turtle Cars…Houses! And, on top of that, the New York Sewer System became a more popular vacation destination than it had ever been before! There were movies, books board games etc. The Turtles became so popular that they eventually starred in a crossover event with one of the most critically acclaimed Comic Book properties in funny book history. Todd McFarlane’s Spawn.

Yes that was how it happened. But as a Werewatcher I know that “the way it happened” is really only “one of the ways it happened” You see, there are millions upon millions of universes and concerning the origin of the Ninja Turtles there is another… One where their history is quite different  and just maybe, more powerful than ever. And that my dear mortal friends, is the one I’d like to tell you about today.

What if Todd McFarlane had created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Rather than being a misguided political scheme turned  pop culture darling, McFarlane’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never left the realm of…art. Unleashed upon an unsuspecting public in 1984 “Turtles”
Focused largely on the tragic figure of Casey Jones, a former professional athlete who in an attempt to preserve his legacy, made a bargain with an ancient evil in exchange for athletic talent. Unfortunately the deal came with a price in the form of a possession by a monstrous spirit. Tortured with constant maddening visions his career came to a horrible end when he murdered an opponent on national TV. Using his superhuman physical abilities he evaded capture by the authorities but was forced to go into hiding, concealing his once famous face behind a battered hockey mask. Living on the streets as a vagrant he began to dream of a redemption for a light to pierce the dark prison that his life had became and he decided that the only way to save his soul was to stop the evil the thrived in the city. HIS city.

Declaring war on the murderers, rapists and gangs that lived like a plague on the streets of New York. Living in the sewer and attacking under the cover of night. McFarlane tapped into the darkest recesses of his blackened soul to create a twisted, cold and violent world but the adventures of an insane and hyper-violent vigilante would not, alone be enough to satisfy his artistic expression The Ninja Turtles themselves added a darkly paranormal facet to the series and soon became an underground favorite among the die-hard fans. Grotesque and savage, the turtles were discovered by Casey in the depths of the sewers and soon they were fighting by his side. Even less reserved than himself the turtles seemed to physically reflect the monstrous forces that raged within him. Visually the turtles were quite disturbing, mottled skin a mouth full of rows of long jagged teeth and headbands that flowed in the wind seemingly of their own power. Led by a frothing rabid mutant rat the turtles were trained killers but it was never revealed to readers or to Casey Jones himself whether the turtles truly existed or were yet another vision of his endlessly haunted reality. The only force that kept Casey Jones even remotely grounded in reality was a young and beautiful paranormal investigator named April O’Neil. Driven into the sewer system in search of an avenging spirit she found one in the form of Casey Jones but rather than turning him in to the world she soon joined his cause and the two shared the most twisted romance since Donkey Kong and Princess Toadstool.

The series carried on throughout the 80’s developing a huge cult following and taking the black and white indie comic book world by storm. As the 90’s approached however, the world of comic fandom began to demand more. They wanted color in their comics! They wanted glowing eyes! Glossier pages and much much longer headbands! Todd McFarlane was ready to answer that call and though the turtles had been exclusively his domain, he knew he would need help to turn his creation into something the modern nerd could love. Todd contacted two of the greatest people he knew. Friends he had not seen since childhood when they went on an adventure to unearth a hidden pirate treasure and save their small town from a ruthless land developer.
Their names were Mr Rob Liefeld

And Mr Jim Balent.

Liefeld was the yin to McFarlane’s Yang, taking the dark foundation Todd had created and cranking the amplifier up to eleven. He added nearly everything that the comic was missing he added 150-200 lbs of muscle to all the charaters, he added dynamic posses and an updated look with squitier eyes, more colorful costumes and oh the weapons! Rob Liefeld convinced McFarlane that what the ninja turtles truly needed was to get rid of all that ninja crap and to get some real firepower and soon the turtles and Casey Jones were sporting guns as big as their enormous arms! Todd found himself creating bigger and badder enemies to warrant the upgraded arsenal. A hideous living brain within a mechanically infused, reanimated body, giant mutant animal creatures and even a huge main villain named the Super Shredder and deformed Japanese man with a huge drill for a left arm and a machine laser gun for his right. The pages soon became so full of explosions, gunfire and blood that it was sometimes impossible to tell what was going on in the story and the comic reading public LOVED IT.

Other than some assistance with what was left of the dialogue Jim Balent found himself overshadowed by his two partners. He soon found his niche however in the character of April O’Neil and he spearheaded her makeover into a Balent style character decided that from now on she would be wiccan! He also added a couple other new features that fans seemed to really enjoy! As he would later state in an interview “Hahahaha boobies!! Ooooh yeah!!”

The Turtles continued to evolve and soon Casey Jones was written out of the story all together and soon the books were just an excuse for The Ninja Turtles to kill everyone and everything in their path with huge cartoonish guns and for April O’Neil to purse her lips and bend over things. The popularity soon eclipsed anything the comic world had ever seen. Books like Superman and Spiderman were pulled from the shelves as their were taking up too much non-Turtle space. Todd McFarlane, Rob Liefeld and Jim Balent became rich beyond their wildest dreams and soon Ninja Turtle Sewer Theme Parks were popping up all over America. The critically acclaimed film adaptations by Michael Bay only cemented the Turtles place as the most honored intellectual property in the history of man.

And so my friends, as you can see. While the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have been popular in your world it could have been so much more. I can only hope that you as a society have appreciated the works of Todd McFarlane, Rob Liefeld and Jim Balent. Recognizing their contributions to the world of Comic Books and the works of genius they truly are. Though you may never be able to hold in your hands the force of nature created by their collaboration you can know that somewhere, somewhen there are those who do.

As I take my leave of you I would like to say, in the time honored traditions of WereWatchers everywhere.

Cowabunga Dudes.

ELSEWHERE in the League Of Extraordinary Bloggers!!

I like the way Stranger With Friction thinks! I just hope he doesn't tell Charlie to think towards me!

HenchGirl wants to separate Michael Bay from His Destiny: TMNT...as if!

The Crooked Ninja Turtle Gang does the impossible, they KILL the unstoppable, unkillable, money making machine Wolverine!

The always awesome ShesCrafti puts the Cobra Kai back where they belong. In the winners circle!

I'm On A Boat, The Power of Kurt Russell.



This is a LoEB post~

      

  Everybody knows that the life of Kurt Russel has been pretty gosh-darn epic! But few have ever sat down and thought about the single thing that had a bigger impact on his life and career than anything else…until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here today to discuss Kurt Russell’s butt.

          Oh my gosh, my sincerest apologies! That should have, of course, read: “Kurt Russell’s BOAT.”

          Washed up actor, struggling carpenter and amateur poor person, Kurt Russell began got his big break on a boat in 1972. Hired by actress Goldie Hawn to design a closet in her yacht that was capable of storing 8,000 pairs of shoes and her “sweet bippy”. After the work was complete, the two became entangled in a heated contract dispute and Russell attempted to murder the Hollywood icon by throwing her into the murky depths of the sea. As a result of the accident, she experienced amnesia and was abducted by Russell who used her for slave labor to cater to the every need of himself and the actors he had hired to play his children. As a result of the free time allowed to him by the relentless oppression of the beautiful blonde starlet, Kurt whiled away his free time on meaningless pursuits like designing miniature gold courses.

          Incredibly, one of his ridiculous concepts was purchased and he became a miniature golf tycoon nearly overnight. Due to a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, Goldie Hawn agreed to marry him and the two lived for years in the lap of luxury provided by their enormous combined wealth. As time passed, however, Kurt began to grow restless.

          Wanting the status symbol that comes with billionaires buying their way into careers they have no qualifications for, but too lazy for training in the space program; Kurt Russell forced an elite scientific expedition in The North Pole to allow him to be a volunteer employee. He spent most of these months being “edgy,” drinking, and learning to fly a helicopter his spare time was mostly taken up with battling and/or becoming an ancient and cruel alien shapeshifter. He eventually caused the death of every researcher on the compound, his own helicopter and two or three perfectly good alien monstrosities.

          Stranded in the middle of a frozen wasteland, he did what many had done before him. He learned to play hockey. Quickly rising as a star in the Kurt Russell All By Himself League, he was eventually rescued by a pilot employed by Deus Ex Machina Airlines. He practiced hockey day and night and was eventually good enough to make it to the big times; playing against other people. Working (ie “buying”) his way up the ranks of the NHL, he became a hockey powerhouse at some position I don’t know the name of because I mean come on, it’s hockey, who cares? He eventually was chosen to coach the 1980 US Olympic team and they went on to humiliate Ivan Drago and his seemingly unstoppable communist hockey team.

          Always a strong believer that you should quit any activity after you win a gold medal, Kurt Russell went on to the obvious next step; he became a firefighter. Partnered with fellow unqualified celebrity-firefighter William Baldwin. He fought incessantly with Baldwin but they where admired far and wide for their bravery and commitment to protecting the public

          …until it was revealed that Kurt Russell was actually a lunatic, fire-obsessed arsonist.

          Russell was finally brought to justice and thrown into a maximum security prison where he met Sylvester Stalone who was serving time for the 1982 slaughter of a sheriff's department in Washington State.

          The two became fast friends and enjoyed action comedy misadventures and good-natured snappy dialogue before both were finally released for “celebrity behavior”

          Without a career, a home or a wife; Kurt Russell inexplicably began wearing an eye patch again and became a drifter; traveling the United States and “escaping” from various cities until finally he began to hear a familiar call from the sea. Once again Kurt Russell found himself on a boat, serving as Captain for fellow actor Martin Short and his family as they engaged in a ocean vacation with hopes of bringing their family closer together.

          Weeks into the voyage, Russell slept with Short’s wife, turned his family against him and left the actor/comedian so despondent that he refused to participate in a planned Three Amigos sequel. It was rumored that he no longer even made public appearances as the universally-beloved character Ed Grimley.

          Feeling mildly guilty for ruining Martin Shorts life, Russell slept with his wife one last time and continued on his journey. Dedicating his life to public service, he ran for Mayor of New York; gaining the cities goodwill through his history as a firefighter. Totally ignoring the fact that his firefighting career ended in his conviction as a murderer and arsonist, he was elected in a landslide. His political career was uneventful and would make for really poor blogging material (if one were so inclined) and he eventually retired. In the twilight of his career he decided to revisit, one final time, the place where it had all began and he set out on a voyage…on a boat.

          The New Year’s Eve voyage on the Poseidon was one of the most glamorous nautical year end celebrations to ever sail the North Atlantic and the guests came from all walks of life…mostly rich walks though. As all giant, disgustingly expensive ships full of wonderful rich people do; the ship predictably sank killing nearly everyone on board.

          No one quite knows if Russell survived that fateful voyage or, if he did, what became of him but years ago I ran into a salt of the earth, rugged and witty truck drive named Jack Burton and he told me that he heard Kurt Russell was thinking about getting back into acting.

          ...Hah! Good luck with that buddy!








Elsewhere in the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, Russellverse!

Apparently, KR also made movies and Green Plasitc Squirtgun gives us a list of hist 10 favorite

TJ at Geek Till It Hurts gives us a rundownd of his top 5 Kurt Russell "Characters"

Adamatomy teaches us just how cool Kurt Russell really is!