No Chills in the Summer

First posted on July 13th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

          Okay, I realize that I’m a new guy here in the Casket Crew. The last thing that I would want to do is make waves while you ghouls are just getting to know me but sometimes I’ve just got to speak my mind. So at the risk of being controversial I’m just going to come right out and say it; I think Halloween should be in the autumn. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t celebrate that spooky holiday 365 days a year. Of course we should. I just believe that fear works best when kept cool.

          I was driving through the countryside with my werewolf bride today, it was about 86 degrees outside and we had the windows down. The sky was blue, the sun was shining and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. As I looked across the fields of green grass, blooming flowers and singing songbirds, the thought hit me. Boy, do I hate summer.


          It seems strange that I would despise a season that everyone else seems to love but I do. To begin with I hate the heat and always have. Not only does the heat rear its ugly head in the summer but so does it’s source. The horrible, horrible sun. Because of my pale “redhead” skin, I sunburn very easily and in fact can sunburn while sitting in the shade. Some days, when I walk outside into sunlight it’s all I can do to keep from pulling my cloak over my face and hissing. All that being said, the worst thing about summer has to be the fact that it feels so far away from everything creepy. The days get longer, the nights get shorter and the streets fill up with the one thing I really do fear. Other people. I always miss the chill in the air, the early sunsets, the wind blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk as they rustle around your feet. All these things announce to me the impending arrival of trick or treat, of bobbing for apples and of costume parties. In short the arrival of Halloween.

          Horror in general is at its eerie best in the fall. Monsters strike while school is in session. Ancient horrors return with the harvest moon and unless you happen to be at a summer camp, it is the height of poor taste to be a slasher in the summertime. One of the only things about summer that I appreciate are the barbeques and they RARELY get invaded by zombies. There are no vampire pool parties (or baseball games!) And creatures of unspeakable evil from the darkest depths of Hell do not enjoy flying kites. Fall is the time for bonfires for ghost stories and for the heavy consumption of alcohol, followed by the casual sex that will lead to your grisly doom.


          I hope I haven’t made any enemies out there. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who wishes for cold rain, biting wind and grey skies. Who longs for the day that the watermelons in the fields are replaced with pumpkins…Who dreams of fall.

          There are a lot of things at home in the bright sunny summertime. Children’s animated movies for instance! I’m just saying, if I end up being slaughtered by a cruel and twisted maniac neither alive nor dead with a rotted heart full of rage and revenge, then that would be bad. If this same slaughter happens and I also have to be hot and sweaty with the sun in my eyes? That just seems unnatural.

          Until next time…Sit Back Relax and Rot Away…and have a nice day!

From the Files of Cobra – The Springfield Newsletter

First posted on July 13th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link.

          Hi-ho Springfielders! Summer is finally here and I hope everyone has their barbeque grills running in tip-top shape! Mrs. DeCobray will be hosting her annual healthy eating class at the Community Center on July 1st. As usual I’m sure there will be a big turnout. Not that any of us seem to retain any of the information though!


          Speaking of July everyone had better get their keisters downtown on the fourth for the annual parade. This year our sponsor Extensive Industries promises it will be a celebration that has no match! After the parade and the crowning of this years Springfield Baroness; everyone will head to the town square for a huge potluck dinner (no healthy eating here!). There will be good food, great friends, games and activities and then after the sun goes down we can feast our eyes on the Arbco Fireworks Display. It should be a night to remember!

          While we are talking about nights to remember, I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the tragedy that happened last month. A man named Flint came to visit some family Jed and Diana Stone of 1422 Meadowlane Blvd. He apparently seemed uncomfortable the entire visit and went to bed very early. At some time in the night he awoke from a nightmare and found Jed and Diana to be missing. Now it’s obvious to all of us that they were with the majority of the adults in Hank Zartan Memorial Park working on this summer’s super special secret project, but Flint was not aware of this. Frightened at being alone in the house Flint became, and I don’t want to sound to harsh, but Flint became a little bit kooky. After searching the house he began to frantically roam the streets of Springfield searching for his missing cousins. When he finally managed to track them down in the park he was beyond reason. He started asking what we were up to and who was “pulling our strings” when we tried to explain that we were planning something big for the good of all Springfield. When we asked if he might want to pitch in he started screaming something about a Cobra conspiracy he made a phone call to someone called Lady J requesting backup and then ran away. Sometime later he went to the sheriffs office and began to explain that all the townspeople were kidnapped, then accused Sheriff Dearborn of being a shape shifter and jumped through the window. He then barely survived driving his car off of a cliff. To everyone’s dismay the backup that Flint called for actually showed up and our planning and building committee soon found itself under attack by tanks, helicopters and people in fatigues with laser cannons! It was a terrible night and several of the townspeople were injured. Also it was a devastating blow to the new recreation center we were trying to build. At the time of the attack we probably only had about 3 weeks of construction left and we had been able to create the entire thing without any of the kids in town finding out. It was going to be a great surprise and a wonderful place where families could get together, play sports and in general have some great wholesome exercise. The facility was a total loss. Tentative plans have been made to attempt to rebuild whenever we are able to eventually gather enough money for more building supplies. In the meantime, the children can continue to use the athletic facilities at Springfield High.

          We contacted a representative of the army and as expected these “GI Joes” have no connection to the United States Military whatsoever. They are just a group of extremely troubled (and possibly lonely) individuals. We as a community wish these people the best and hope that someday they get the help that they urgently need.

          On a much happier note, the Springfield High Cobra’s baseball team has finished first in their division! The team, led by Keith Commander has been tearing its way through every other team in its division. Commander has gone on record saying that his boys have been absolutely ruthless and are determined to rule the state finals! Their championship game was dedicated to Jimmy Bludd who up until the final game, was the teams loyal mascot Kevin Cobra! Unfortunately a member of the GI Joe hooligans viciously attacked Kevin at the final game. He shouted “I’m gonna pull your fangs Serpentor!” and rushed the field beating Kevin with an enormous fake gun. Herman “Bazooka” Bernstien was taken into custody but not before giving Jimmy several broken bones and a massive concussion. Jimmy is doing well at Tomaxamot Hospital and is allowed visitors before 5pm Monday through Friday. Stop on by or at least send a card to our own loyal Kevin Cobra so he can be back up and slithering for victory!

          In the coming months, the founders day committee will be ramping up preparations for this years Founders Day Extravaganza. Mayor Dave Stro is promising that this will be a Founders Day we will never forget. I’m not going to give too much away but there is one secret that’s too hot to keep under my hat. This years keynote speaker will be none other than that famous Cover Girl, Courtney Krieger! She is said to be bringing a large group of friends for a big surprise and I’m sure were all exited and looking forward to a fun and peaceful Founders Day!

          And from the bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you for your hard work, for your caring and for everything you do to make Springfield just the best little town anywhere! And I’m sure that dedication will be just as strong next year when we re-write the town charter and become a terrorist organization that will inevitably rule the world and slaughter all those who would dare try to resist our domination!

          Have a great summer everyone!

Poor Marilyn: Part of America’s First Halloween Families of the Golden Age

First posted on July 6th, 2011 on The Rotting Flesh Radio Podcast and Blog - CW post link

 
 
 
          While I was in the yard today, watering the weeds, I was thinking about the American family. My thoughts of course soon turned to one of the first families of Halloween, The Munsters. I have always been a huge fan of The Munsters and still to this day delight in their presentation of the all-American way of life.


          While the show likes to explore the spooky side of things in a good natured kind of way, one element of the show rises past the light-hearted fun side of classic monsters and crosses straight over into the realm of terror. One character on the show cranks the horror up a notch and adds the edge that has made it tough to watch for some more “sensitive” viewers. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I am, of course, speaking of Marilyn Munster. Never before in the history of television have producers dared to present a character so gruesome, so terrifying and so plain! How Marilyn is related to a family as normal as the Munsters, no one will ever know.

          Let’s take a closer look (if we can bear it) at what separates this unfortunate girl from her more normal relatives. While she tries her best to fit in it’s obvious on sight that Marilyn Munster is destined to be an outcast. First of all she’s blonde. Blonde! Her hair is the golden color of sunshine on a field of flowers. It’s enough to make you sick, it isn’t dark or oily in the least. If that wasn’t enough, the rest of her is, if anything, even more plain. Her body is soft and curvaceous without the smallest hint of that sallow rigor mortis look that drives all the boys wild. And her complexion doesn’t have a single flaw or scar. Her skin seems to glow with life and color, and sometimes (and this is difficult for me to say) a tan. I mean, one would think that the girl had never even been dead! Her family is constantly trying to find a nice sickly looking boy to take her out but it can’t be easy. The boys that Marilyn seems to go for look like they should be on the cover of one of those horror mags you see at the supermarket checkout lane; GQ, Esquire, Sports Illustrated and the like.


          Despite the unappealing nature of these young men, they don’t stay interested for too long. Even when she does find a boy patient enough to date her and brings them home to meet the family, they end up running away in terror.

          And who can blame them? After all the girl never learned how to sew spider webs, can’t bake bat soufflé to save her death, and when she dusts the house she actually REMOVES the dust that was already there! She enjoys sporting events, dances, even rock and roll concerts! Worst of all she goes out in the daytime, on purpose! Picnics, strolls in the park; the whole nine yards. There seems to be no limit to her bizarre behavior.

          I’m a strong believer that variety is the spice of life and I like to think that there is someone out there for everyone. So maybe somewhere there might actually be someone for Marilyn Munster. Despite her flaws, her many, many flaws, she really is a sweet girl and always seems to try her best. Maybe she can find a boy who can overlook all these little quirks. Look past the radiant skin and the bright blue eyes. The sunny personality and the strange daytime hobbies…But the blonde hair? How much can one guy take?

          Talk to you again real soon, and until next time…Sit Back, Relax and Rot Away! And have a nice day.



Visit the Official Munsters Page at: http://www.munsters.com/

The League of Extraordinary Ducks

First posted on July 6th, 2011 on The Retroist Retro Blog and Podcast - CW post link

 
 
 
          In the 1950’s, radio was king. And between 1952 and 1954 there was nothing more popular in the world of radio than the genre of anthropomorphic animal action adventure. A great example of this type of show was The League of Extraordinary Ducks! Sponsored by Red & Green brand Duct Tape this half hour show kept families all over America gathered around their radio, totally captivated. The concept was pretty groundbreaking for it’s time; During Duckburg’s greatest peril, a secret governmental agency traveled the world recruiting the most powerful ducks in existence.


          The team was led by the famed adventurer Duck Dodgers and included the half alive indestructible cyborg Gizmo Duck, the flying expert and mechanical wizard Ace Duck, the mysterious mistress of magic and illusion Morgana McCawber, the homicidal con artist and thief LeQuack and the split personality Mellissa Duck, who at any moment can transform into an unstoppable destructive monster. Finally the most mysterious member of the team, loyal only to himself, the ancient vampire Count Duckula. The cartoon actors got along extremely well and got a real kick out performing and improvising together. The gang even made several public appearances at parades and fairs, in character where they would sign autographs, mingle with their loyal fans and generally have a ball.

           Despite extremely high ratings and a ton of branded merchandise, it was eventually decided that the show was just too violent and edgy for the public. The public strongly disagreed and began the first entertainment petition drive in American history, unfortunately the show stayed off the air. The actors all went on to strong careers in television. “Mellissa” and “Duck Dodgers” signed on with Warner Bros. in their upstart Looney Toons division. They were even able to appear together in several animated shorts. Dodgers became a huge star and Mellissa eventually began to work behind the camera becoming a highly respected director. “Ace Duck” and “LeQuack” went on to play recurring rolls on the hit shows Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Courage The Cowardly Dog respectively. “Count Duckula” was given his own program which became a huge hit in the UK and would later produce the spin-off sitcom Dark Shadows. Gizmo Duck and Morgana were both given strong rolls on the crime drama Darkwing Duck.


          Years later the cast was approached about turning The League of Extraordinary Ducks into a series of graphic novels but few toons were willing to leave the booming world of television for print work and they respectfully declined. The graphic novels were later re-imagined using characters from literature. While no further properties were ever created For LOED the fan base is as loyal as ever and the cast has made appearances together at several “League” conventions. There has even been quiet talk of a reunion episode produced for the internet. One can only hope that this comes to fruition. I don’t think I only speak for myself when I say how great it would be to hear the old team back together again doing what they do best, fighting evil!